Husband doesn't allow overnight guests

[Abbi634]

My husband and I recently got married. We live in London and we have 2 spare bedrooms that aren't often used. I thought this would mean we could have friends and family to stay occasionally. But my husband objects.

He won't let me have friends to stay for the night if they're in town. I've told him this wouldn't happen more than once every two months, and that I would take care of everything. But he said no, they should get a hotel. He said he 'needs his own space'. So if a good friend who lives abroad is in London and asks to stay the night, I can't say yes - even though I really want to.

He also objects to close family coming. I suggested that my sister and family could come and stay for a long weekend. She lives the other end of the UK and has two daughters, aged 6 and 4. I love my nieces and I think it would be fun to have them to stay. My husband said no - and said they should stay in a hotel. He said he 'needs his own space' and it would be too much to have them here. (He would however meet up with them during the day for a meal/activities).

He says he is ok with my parents sometimes staying for a weekend, but he said has made it clear he doesn't want it to be often.

I feel sad that I can't be hospitable with our spare rooms. I enjoy having friends and family to stay (doing a nice dinner in the evening, having brunch etc).

I feel he's being unfair. It would not be often - just once every two months or so. Is it reasonable for me to think that? And to be sad about it?

Barring your partner from having friends and family to stay, even - coercive and controlling.

It's not coercive or controlling. What if he said no pets and OP's parents wanted to bring a dog round?

This place is nuts. Personally, I'd put up with people staying - it can be tricky but it's fun to have people round.

Still, saying no to it, isn't controlling. Controlling would be saying op can't go out or have anyone in his house. His issue is specifically about them sleeping over. Unreasonable? Maybe. Controlling? No.

Stop watering down the meaning of words.

He is not being coercive or controlling.

He’s not stopping OP from seeing her family or friends.
He just doesn’t want them staying over which is fair enough.

If she wants to see them so bad then she can see them during the day or sleep at theirs.

But for her it’s not about being able to ban his friends/ family from staying, it’s about wanting her friends/ family to stay occasionally in what’s also her home.
So it is him who sets the rules, not both of them, but it’s not just his house.

Both parties in a relationship have the absolute right to decide who doesn't come into their home.

That‘s a bit over the top. Not wanting a particular person you might have some personal issues with coming to your house is one thing, telling your partner their friends and family can’t stay is another.
I can’t imagine my husband claiming „the absolute right to decide“ which one of my friends or family was allowed to come into our (not „his“) home and I wouldn’t do it either. (I might not love my MIL staying with us, I wouldn’t dream of banning her though.

It’s not a question of disliking house guests, it can be a valid need to have your home be your private space.

It’s not controlling if it is something you genuinely need versus your partners preference. Needs trump wants.

I wonder if DH wanted his mates to stay around and OP didn’t want them to, if posters would be calling her controlling and coercive.

@ShowUs "I’m with your DH and I couldn’t think of anything worse than having people staying over all of the time."
I agree. What about what the OP wants, which is her sister for a weekend every 2 months?

If he literally can't cope with being around people, then he can pop off to a hotel for a weekend.

But there's no real information to suggest that he's neurodiverse. It's much more likely that he is trying to isolate the DP from friends and family. Unfortunately it's a tried and tested tactic amongst a certain kind of man.

And people then going 'he's just being a prick because he's autistic' - nonsense.

OP wants more than that. It was friends for a weekend every other month, plus her sister, brother in law and their two DC every so often, plus her parents now and then.

I think it is a bit off for you to say “he’s being a prick because he’s autistic”
Hes not being “a prick” you are attaching condemnation to his behaviour and needs that you should not be.

If an introverted/autistic person cannot handle house guests it’s not them “being a prick” and furthermore just going to a hotel isn’t the solution you think it is. It would put them out among strangers which is exactly what they do not need. They often need their own space.

It’s actually much more likely for a person to simply be introverted and/or autistic than to be a criminal embarking on a campaign of domestic violence.

Agree

Indeed, I think some people consider compromise to be a weakness... the same people who end up alone and bitter, but who at least get their own way all the time and don't have to compromise god forbid!

My ex was like this. We were never allowed overnight guests. All my friends and family lived far away and I was embarrassed as they often asked to stay. Like I say, he's my ex!

But there's no information at all that he's autistic.

And behaviour that isolates your partner from her friends and family is not okay. She can't even have her sister stay for the weekend. It's coercive, controlling, and abusive. By any standard.

He clearly isn't trying to isolate op from her friends and family as she said he's happy to spend time with them during the day, going out etc...

He just doesn't want people staying in their house, which I totally get, especially if it's as frequent as op is suggesting.

And we know from loads of threads on here that visitors start to take the piss and assume they can stay whenever they want.

@inamarina

I would agree with your point when it comes to parents. It's unreasonable not to allow your partner to host their parents once in a while (unless they're massive cfs). But anyone else can find somewhere else.

Personally I would love to host people I just don't have the space. But I can understand that for some people it's very stressful and feels like an invasion to have overnight guests. One partner can't just bring in guests anyway and disregard the other's feelings.

For him it's a matter of not being made extremely uncomfortable and anxious in his own home, while for her it's not even a personal need/want. It's about the convenience of her friends. How can anyone think that trumps his need for sanity in his own home?

Would you say it's reasonable for him to smoke in the house, even though she hates the smell? And even that wouldn't be comparable, as smoking would be his personal want, as opposed to him wanting something on behalf of a stranger.

Would you say it's reasonable for him to allow his friends to smoke in the house or would she have the right to absolutely ban it?

The OP's sister lives 'at the other end of the UK'.

'Sorry sis, you can't come to stay, Dave doesn't want you here. You'll have to get a hotel. It'll only set you back a couple of hundred quid, and I can meet you in town for a few hours'.

Of course it's isolating.

If there is no information that he may be autistic, then there is no information that he may be controlling either because saying no to overnight house guests with only a rare exception is a symptom/indicator of both.

And you are fibbing a bit by saying OP can’t even have her sister stay for the weekend because the OP said she has suggested her sister AND family stay which included two young children.

Tons of even nonautistic/extroverted adults reasonably do not want children staying overnight in their home.

OP isn’t being isolated from friends and family by them needing to spend the night elsewhere. He has said he is fine with house guests during the day.

Not all autistic people are introverted, anti social and hate overnight company, my ds is quote the opposite. Just spent the weekend celebrating Eid with 20 family /friends. He's also arranged sleepovers soon with a few more so it's a myth that all autistic people are introverted. Some struggle with social communication skills but not all, however they might struggle with other issues.

Being uncomfortable with house guests can be an autistic trait.

Taking steps that isolate your DP from her family is controlling. Simple fact.

The OP says her parents are allowed to stay occasionally, but he has specifically banned her sister and her nieces.

Of course it's isolating.

No... why can't they spend a day together or plan a day out? She's not banned from the house!

Not wanting however many overnight guests has morphed into forbidding op from seeing family and her aging to meet up in secret in town.

OP isn’t being isolated from friends and family by them needing to spend the night elsewhere. He has said he is fine with house guests during the day.

I get the feeling some people assume having spare rooms for overnight guests is the norm, hence throwing out throwing inappropriately. Can people not fathom that others don't have spare rooms and manage to get by?

It is isolating because the chance of sister coming to visit at all is greatly reduced if she has to pay for accommodation as well as travel.
I don't understand how he seems to have the veto on this. Doesn't the house belong to them both? So he can express a preference but I don't see how he gets to overrule his wife like this.

I'm introverted and love my own space but we have big families and often have people to stay. If it gets a bit much for me I take myself off to our bedroom for some down time and watch something in there or read.

What would really concern me about this is does he really mean an absolute no, no matter what circumstances. We live in a city and recently my nephew, who lives in another part of the country, was seriously ill in hospital nearby. His parents were regular overnight visitors during that time. We've also had one of my family contact us late at night and ask to stay when she wasn't safe where she was. I would have been disgusted if my husband tried to say no in these situations.

This

I had to double check I'd read all the OP's messages as I'd missed the one about him being autistic - she never says that?