Husband doesn't allow overnight guests

[Abbi634]

My husband and I recently got married. We live in London and we have 2 spare bedrooms that aren't often used. I thought this would mean we could have friends and family to stay occasionally. But my husband objects.

He won't let me have friends to stay for the night if they're in town. I've told him this wouldn't happen more than once every two months, and that I would take care of everything. But he said no, they should get a hotel. He said he 'needs his own space'. So if a good friend who lives abroad is in London and asks to stay the night, I can't say yes - even though I really want to.

He also objects to close family coming. I suggested that my sister and family could come and stay for a long weekend. She lives the other end of the UK and has two daughters, aged 6 and 4. I love my nieces and I think it would be fun to have them to stay. My husband said no - and said they should stay in a hotel. He said he 'needs his own space' and it would be too much to have them here. (He would however meet up with them during the day for a meal/activities).

He says he is ok with my parents sometimes staying for a weekend, but he said has made it clear he doesn't want it to be often.

I feel sad that I can't be hospitable with our spare rooms. I enjoy having friends and family to stay (doing a nice dinner in the evening, having brunch etc).

I feel he's being unfair. It would not be often - just once every two months or so. Is it reasonable for me to think that? And to be sad about it?

I too think this is a personality clash rather than being unreasonably controlling.

It is not uncommon for people with autism and/or introverts to need their homes to themselves with no overnight guests. This isn’t controlling as it is an actual need for their own mental health, it’s not about keeping you from anyone.

I think that you wanting friends as overnight guests every other month, plus families of four (parents plus two children) staying as guests on top of that would be too much for many people. It can be hard to go from a couple in a home to four adults and two children especially if home is where you can relax and recharge from a stressful job/work week.

I think that he has compromised by saying that your parents can stay every so often. He may be able to build a tolerance from that to one friend staying over once or twice a year.

I like houseguests and I am not an introvert but I would find that to be a lot. If my husband wanted our place to be where his friends stay after a night out, his borhter and kids visit every couple of months and his parents come for semi regular weekends...I would find that exhausting.

We go away a lot of weekends or I have things planned with friends and family so to have to entertain whenever we were home for a weekend and free (as that would be the only times all his houseguests could come) and not really have any relaxing weekends at home would be too much. I would tell him to go and see his parents for a weekend or to go and visit his brother and I would spend the weekend in my Pjs at home alone!

Who owns this house? What are the spare rooms for?

No Yanbu it's not much to expect to be able to allow friends or family down once a month to stay.
At best he's a controlling arse, at worst it's a sinister plot to alienate you from friends and family.
I'd be considering if you can spend the rest of your life like this.

I love hosting and having people over. I couldn't be married to a man like yours. What are you going to do?

I don't like overnight guests either but need to tolerate them occasionally. Obviously , you can't turn your house into a free for all if your DH isn't keen but banning them completely isn't on.

He has already compromised in any case.

not really. Saying her parents can stay but only rarely is not a compromise. A compromise is there you find the middle ground.

I would be furious if my OH insisted that someone come to stay and I didnt want that and if I started a MN thread about it everyone would be saying he was controlling and why does he get the final say blah blah blah

I bet you'd be equally furious if your OH refused to let anyone stay insisting it was only their opinion that counted.

In situations where there is a binary choice, one person has to have the final say.

This isn't a binary choice. It's not like deciding whether to have children (which is a true binary choice).

This ridiculous refusal to find the middle ground is controlling. It's not like the OP wants to have guests staying over every single weekend.

Once every few months is actually quite a lot. I'd be the same, luckily my wife agrees!

It's as much his house as it is yours and no matter the decision, one is going to be upset.

We both put them in a hotel that's half a mile away.. it's far easier... they get their own space and we don't feel exhausted after it's all over for having to cater for them.

Do either of you work from home (or both)?

I used to be very happy to be hospitable and have people to stay. Both of us now wfh and DD is at school which puts in another routine that is not flexible in term time, and my view has completely changed. Tried it and it has been very hard, whether it was for a couple of nights or for a week. Absolutely like trying to have someone in your office as well as in your home, and not having reasonable headspace for work or for entertaining.

The people who have stayed haven't understood how tight time is for us all, how wfh has changed the outlook, even if we have tried to explain carefully, and feel short-changed, probably with good reason. It's this that puts me very on edge now, even when trying really hard to be able to give a welcome and offer relaxation time.

There seem to be 2 schools of thougth on this:

• He is controlling and thinks he's in charge, and you have to follow orders
• Having people stay in the house genuinely makes him uncomfortable, and he has a right not to be uncomfortable in his own home
• (there's a third option which is that both statements are true)

So, @Abbi634 do you think your SH is showing signs of thinking he's in charge / controlling / bossy / thinks he has authority over you?

Or is he otherwise a decent human being who acts as an equal to you, respects you decisions, compromises, would be respectful if you said 'no' about something that made you uncomfortable, doesn't boss you around or expect compliance?

If it's the latter, then I wouldn't force visitors on him in the short term, and I'd ask him to consider trying it, but not pushing something that gives him a genuine anxiety.

If it's the former, then you have much bigger issues than having overnight visitors, because you've married an controlling man and this will inflitrate all areas of your marriage. You will need help to leave him.

I think that this has a whiff of alienation about it.

But I also hated my ex-MIL coming to stay. She was a pain in the arse, a really fussy eater, expected to be waited on hand and foot and I would have to get up at sparrow's fart to drive her to early Mass on Sundays while XH was sleeping off his hangover.

But I recognised that she was his mum, it mattered to him, and he had every right to have her to stay, so I sucked it up.

Could you send him to a hotel when people stay? He sounds like a nightmare.

That depends on the MIL. My MIL was so awful to me that I think refusing to allow her in my home is very reasonable. Not that I'd have stopped DH having her to stay if he really wanted to. I'd just take off on my own little holiday for the duration and make the most of it.

His house ? I think you mean their house, or do you think only men get to decide? Marriage means equal partners. This is 2023 not 1923.

@thedancingbear You are insulting someone who shares your views! Read my reply again, a bit more slowly.
I pointed out that rather than being coercive and controlling (as most on this thread are claiming), there is always the possibility that an autistic would be unable to cope with overnight guests. Did you miss the fact that this is the very household I live in?? We rarely have guests because I accept that my ND husband and children all find it extremely uncomfortable.

Sorry but your ‘D’H sounds vile and controlling. What happens if you say that you want someone to stay and stick to your guns?

Why does he need his space? As it’s your space to. It does sound controlling. But I’m also wondering about wether he finds socialising overwhelming? Asd traits possibly?

Allocate a spare room to each of you. You can have friends in yours. The miserable cunt can keep his empty or sleep in it himself...

Again, this isn't about where the coffee mugs go or which channel to watch, where sometimes one owner decides and sometimes the other.

Bringing guests into the house is bringing people into his space and making him feel crowded. As the other owner you have the right to use the space, but not to make it uncomfortable for the other.

A good analogy given by a PP is smoking. It might be his space too, but if the smell of smoking bothers her, she would have every right to not allow any smoking in the house. That's because it would have a strong impact on her and her comfort.

As to her relationships suffering, as has been suggested by some, that is just utterly ridiculous. I have siblings and plenty of good friends in various countries abroad, and the fact that they haven't the space to host me has never impacted our relationship. All it means is if I visit those countries I need to sort out my accommodation - and I've never yet had to camp out in a tent.

Most people probably don't have space to host, yet manage to have perfectly good social lives.

@Goodread1
You're obviously bonkers.

A house in London can become the place to stay of choice for friends who aren't really coming to see you but are there for some other reason, such as the Coronation in two weeks' time.

That I can understand the objection, but not family a few times a year. I'm also concerned in the way the OP expresses it.

I’m really surprised by the responses!

I’m with your DH and I couldn’t think of anything worse than having people staying over all of the time.

I can only assume most of the posters who enjoy having guests around often only work PT or have much more extroverted personalities.

Whereas I’m the opposite. My home is my space where I can relax and I don’t have to be ‘on’ all of them time and I couldn’t imagine coming home from work and not being able to properly relax.

You say it’s only every couple of months but it seems you would

But he is being coercive and controlling.

Not liking house guests - fine, we're all different.

Barring your partner from having friends and family to stay, even - coercive and controlling.

Neurodivergence doesn't make you an arsehole.

The thing is with marriage is that you need to find a compromise, he doesn’t get to laterally decide decisions such as this, I’m assuming you pay toward the home also.

Sorry posted too soon.

It seems you have a lot of people who you want to stay over and it would be much more regular.

I can see why he wouldn’t want his home becoming a doss house.

There have been plenty of threads about living in nice areas and CF always wanting free accommodation.

Sorry but I wouldn’t remain married to someone so controlling. Can’t even have your own sister and nieces to stay when you’ve got 2 spare bedrooms? Assume this wouldn’t even be that often. Totally out of order