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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Boyfriend of 8 months has just found out an ex has had a baby

320 replies

WonderingPondering1806 · 22/04/2023 11:43

Hello all

Im not a mum but I’m hoping to get some advice from people who are.
Context I am 28, 29 in a month my bf is 29, 30 in a month. We met in October last year and it’s been the best relationship of my life. I’m not exaggerating. We spoke for 8 hours the first time we spoke and we went on holiday within a month and I moved in after 3 months. We met on bumble. We’re both successful him more than me he’s on 6 figures and I’m not far behind. We’re both really ambitious and equally as dorky.
Anyways his last encounter before we met was the end of august. Tbf my last encounter before him was shorter so I’m not mad at that lol
His situation ended badly to the point they blocked eachother. Last last week the ex got in contact with him via LinkedIn to let him know she’s having a baby and it’s his. He had all of a week to come to terms with it and she was born last Sunday.
He wants to be as involved as possible and is willing to support her. He still loves me and he still wants our life and future together.
Hes still going to do a dna because you never know especially since they were rocky at the end. They broke up because in his words, they had nothing in common, she was talking to other guys, she’s not ambitious and is happy with a mediocre life (which he definitely isn’t and I’m not either) and she had another child. I’m sure there was negative points on his side too but I only have his side.

Basically my question/ advice I’m seeking is how to be ok with it because right now I’m not and I think I’m being unreasonable, but I can’t help it. I feel jealous I’m not the one to share all this with him for the first time. He still wants kids with me and marriage and everything. Hes been very reassuring so that’s something but I can’t help it. And I don’t want to end up resenting anyone.
Its not the issue of him having a child. I’ve dated guys before with kids. It’s because it’s so fresh and I have no idea where they stand with eachother other than his word, whereas in the past it’s been guys that haven’t been with their exes for years. What if she wins him back in my head. She’s the mother of his child. They could be this happy family unit. I’ve never been insecure before this but this has really thrown me.
I love him more than anything and I want us to work but I hate how I feel.

Thanks for reading. I appreciate all perspectives but please don’t be mean. Like I said I’m not a mum and I know I’m not handling it well I’m just looking for advice. Thanks 🙏

OP posts:
70isaLimitNotaTarget · 22/04/2023 15:37

Clymene · 22/04/2023 15:10

@70isaLimitNotaTarget - I hope you're including the OP in that as she thinks the ex girlfriend lied about using contraception

No she says What if she said she was on something but lied

Not the same as Well I think she said she was safe to get him to ditch his condom and get pregnant

.

Clymene · 22/04/2023 15:39

Freefall212 · 22/04/2023 15:33

Surely OP has seen the message the ex sent telling him she was pregnant. This whole view that he has known all along and is a deadbeat is a pretty easy thing to prove or disprove as either the message he says he received is or isn't in his inbox.

That doesn't prove he didn't know she was pregnant.

Timing wise, she conceived in July. I suspect he then dumped and blocked her and hoped she'd terminate the pregnancy. She didn't so she's contacted him to tell him she's about to have his baby.

determinedtomakethiswork · 22/04/2023 15:39

I would be very guarded about this. If it was a bad breakup, wouldn't she be more likely to have an early abortion? If not wouldn't she talk to him because she would need him financially? Unless he was violent or controlling that I can't imagine why she wouldn't have told him. Do the dates absolutely pan out?

Truestorypeeps · 22/04/2023 15:40

Should I be concerned that I only have a 'mediocre life' as I live in a 3 bed semi, drive a 9 year old car, have two children, and only earn average money?! :-D

I've had flashy cars and earned more, seen the world, I'm still happier now in my 30's than I was in my 20's. Maybe the fancy fucker lifestyle isn't for everyone eh.

determinedtomakethiswork · 22/04/2023 15:41

Why are you making it personal? You're not going out with him are you?

determinedtomakethiswork · 22/04/2023 15:41

ReliantRobyn · 22/04/2023 15:33

You sound like a bit of an underachiever by nature but I think here you have to leave him. Don't let him drag you down. You are still young.

Why would you say such a nasty thing about her being an underachiever?

Lili132 · 22/04/2023 15:42

darjeelingrose · 22/04/2023 13:21

He said she is not ambitious and is happy with a mediocre life? He sounds awful, no wonder she didn't tell him she was pregnant. She may have struggled with the decision to tell him.
You say he wants to be an involved as possible and is willing to support her. I don't know if her is the mother or the baby, but it's a bare minimum isn't it, to support the baby if the baby is his.
Anyway, as to you, you don't come to terms with anything at the moment. You wait for the DNA test. You won't be meeting this baby any time soon if either of them is at all decent. Your boyfriend will get a few visits perhaps, but let's face it, it's a relationship that clearly didn't end on good terms, and he is dismissive of her, so she's not going to want to spend time with him, and a little baby shouldn't be without their mum when they are so small.

Are you for real? Being matched in level of ambition, life goals is extremely important! We never judge women for wanting ambitious men. Yes being a single parent puts obstacles in place so having children in general but he stated that she was happy as she was meaning didn't try to improve - they had different values! It doesn't mean he judged her or told her something nasty to her face, it means he recognised they weren't compatible.
And telling a man that he's a father only after giving birth it's not OK. Unless there is a huge back story or he lied I would be worried about what kind of person she is.

piedbeauty · 22/04/2023 15:44

Were they having unprotected sex? If he was willing to dtd without contraception then I have no sympathy for him.

This might be too tricky for you. It's a lot to cope with. I'd get the dna test done, see what the result is and take it from there.

Freefall212 · 22/04/2023 15:44

Clymene · 22/04/2023 15:39

That doesn't prove he didn't know she was pregnant.

Timing wise, she conceived in July. I suspect he then dumped and blocked her and hoped she'd terminate the pregnancy. She didn't so she's contacted him to tell him she's about to have his baby.

Well she wouldn't be contacting him to tell him she was pregnant and about to have his baby if they had already known before they broke up. It is a very different message if both know about a pregnancy and the message is about the imminent birth or if he is being told about it for the first time and the message is about surprise - I am pregnant with your child and about to give birth.

blondiiiee · 22/04/2023 15:46

Oh he definitely knew.
August last encounter?
October he met you?

I'm pretty sure she would have told him before all this blocking happened.

Sounds very narcy

JocelynBurnell · 22/04/2023 15:49

His baby daughter was born last Sunday. A baby born on April 16 is almost certainly conceived in July and he said his 'last encounter' with her was end of August.

It is almost certain that he knew (or feared) she was pregnant and scarpered!

CandlelightGlow · 22/04/2023 15:49

Clymene · 22/04/2023 15:39

That doesn't prove he didn't know she was pregnant.

Timing wise, she conceived in July. I suspect he then dumped and blocked her and hoped she'd terminate the pregnancy. She didn't so she's contacted him to tell him she's about to have his baby.

How would a man having a casual relationship that ended quickly "know" somebody is pregnant? It just doesn't make any sense.

And of course if there is a message saying "I've just had a baby and you are the father" then how is that not a clear indicator that the mother of the baby knows the dad has no idea?

OP this is mumsnet so a fair number of posters will be 100% sure your DP is a complete malicious manipulative sleaze bag no matter what.

If I were you I would want to see the message from the ex and then moving forward, I would just try and frame it for what it is - he's showing his good form by wanting to be involved and provide. He still sees you as his life partner and future.

Not saying it doesn't suck, but if and when you two decide to have DC, it will still be his "first" of so many things as he hasn't been involved in the pregnancy process. I think it's natural though because it feels an incredibly intimate and close thing to have a child with somebody, but remember he has chosen to be with you.

LBFseBrom · 22/04/2023 15:50

This does sound like a difficult situation for your boyfriend and obviously you are affected. What is good is that he does not intend to shirk responsibility.

Nobody can advise you what to do but I think you could probably carry on much as you are for now, enjoying the relationship you have, but not making a firm commitment. You are still young, WonderingPondering, and you only have to look at posts on here to see how difficult it is to have a live in partner with children, even more so when you have a child of your own.

Take it easy with your relationship, have fun, be supportive and wait and see how things pan out before getting in too deep.

Good luck.

CandlelightGlow · 22/04/2023 15:52

determinedtomakethiswork · 22/04/2023 15:39

I would be very guarded about this. If it was a bad breakup, wouldn't she be more likely to have an early abortion? If not wouldn't she talk to him because she would need him financially? Unless he was violent or controlling that I can't imagine why she wouldn't have told him. Do the dates absolutely pan out?

To be fair I think it's becoming more and more socially acceptable and normal to be a single mum and even conceive alone.

She may well have decided she wanted the baby but not the relationship. A quick look at relationships or pregnancy choices show that lots of women make similar choices and don't want the hassle of the man.

blueshoes · 22/04/2023 15:53

It might work out, it might not. The important thing is not to rush into things with him and take the time to observe him. If he knew about the baby and planned this all along (with love bombing, moving you in, flattering you about your ambition and then dropping the bombshell once you are emotionally committed), the mask will drop at some point. He will say something off or wrong or behave in a counterintuitive way.

You can pretend to go along with this, so as not to tip him off, and get him comfortable so that he will start to slip up.

Personally, I'd watch him for 3 months and if by then I am not convinced he is genuine and sincere, I'd move out.

This is assuming the DNA test confirms it is his. Make sure you see the actual results, as opposed to what he tells you it says and work out carefully that the timing of the pregnancy and birth match up and there is no overlap.

Take it slow with him from now on but don't waste too much more time on him. You are young.

fruitbrewhaha · 22/04/2023 15:54

He thought she wasn’t ambitious and did t want to carry her. And yet now he will have to because he is an idiot.

OP, this guy’s judgement is shit. Bin him off.

Robinni · 22/04/2023 15:56

Felixss · 22/04/2023 14:53

I'm really not skeptical the baby is his. It's wishful thinking how many men are utter shits and lie saying they broke up ages ago didn't know she was pregnant. Meanwhile he was shagging them both.

Having children is by definition mediocre because they thrive on structure and routine.

@Felixss you made me chuckle! Yes children are monotonous at times, which is why I said the new addition wouldn’t really shake the dynamic of things in OP’s life much IF she is planning on having babies in the near future anyway. It will be another one to add into the mix (albeit part time, if that), essentially the cake is the same!

It might be less mediocre for OP as they will be able to afford live in nanny etc and they can organise the structure and routine for them. But kiss the couples holidays and discovering yourself in Rome goodbye.

What makes me doubt things is that it’s rather convenient that the ex appears now, just as he’s flying high in a new relationship with a woman who is superior to her in terms of qualifications and salary. The “baby card” is all she has to play if she has an interest in him. And beyond this, who would you rather be paying CM, Scott from down the pub who’s in and out of work, or Mr Big with six figure salary?!

Not disputing that he could have been involved with OP and OW at the same time. But women can be as shifty as men when there’s something in it for them. OW is not exempt from being able to lie or make a mistake on dates because she is female. OP and DP are right to get the DNA test done before shelling out for the sproglet.

DartmoorWild · 22/04/2023 15:56

The thing I've learnt, sadly later in life, is how very credible people can look you straight in the eye and absolutely lie to you. People who are upright, seemingly genuine people can and do lie.

This guy had every reason to lie to you. If he admitted he knew about the pregnancy then he'd have to admit he'd lied to you and that would well and truly burst your honeymoon bubble. Better to wait until he absolutely had to tell you, because in his head he probably thought he didn't want to hurt you or scare you off.

Also, being a man with a child on the way puts him out of that 100% career driven no responsibilities category that he seems to hold so dear. Which wouldn't match up to the aspirations of your relationship.

Furthermore, I bet if you spoke to his ex you'd gey a very different story.

I'm confused as to why you think he wouldn't lie to you?

backinthesea · 22/04/2023 15:59

OP - it's very likely it's his child - single parents don't find it easy to date much, so what are the chances.

Don't try to give this a go. You would feel sick every time the phone rings, for a good year or two.

Every other weekend isn't very much - but your partner will put all his overtime work and life admin into the other weekend, and you will notice that for you, the 'good' weekend is the childfree one, while for him it is the one with the child. So there will never be a good weekend. You will find the weekends with the child tiring and full-on, when you had planned for other priorities, perhaps adventures, over the next few years.

There may be some game-playing and tension until they work out a good co-parenting relationship. He will share some of the drama with you and you will be angry and upset. However, you will also find it hard to cope with the joy and all the upsides - because it isn't your own child.

When you come to buy a house you will need to pay for an extra bedroom. He might well decide he can only afford to have two children - while perhaps you would like two of your own. And this might be years into a marriage where he initially signed up to what you wanted - but he can always reasonably choose to prioritise the needs of his current child, and change his mind.

There will be nursery fees, and later on, extortionate school trips that you would never agree to for your own child, that your partner feels pressured to fund. There are college fees and living expenses, perhaps well into their 20s. Also support for a deposit on a property, a first car and first wedding. You will feel guilty for feeling resentful, but also feel that it's a high financial price to pay, and that these are things you weren't raised to expect, and didn't expect to provide for your own children.

You will be asked to do pick-ups when he is unexpectedly working late, or if the child's mother is unwell. You will find that your job becomes less important to him - for example, if you have a big deadline but you're needed at home. You will find yourself taking on a lot of responsibility that you never expected. If you have your own child, you will find that you are carrying more than half of the load for your own child - and you might suspect he finds his other childcare commitments quite convenient at times. You and any children you will have will have to work around the pickups and school runs and first child's activities and social life, and you will begin to mind on behalf of your own child that your partner just cannot do as much. And the child themselves may not warm to you, and may have challenges and needs that would strain even the strongest relationships.

And if you ever voice resentment, people will shut you off because they always put themselves in the shoes of the mother rather than the new partner. Because most people would not take this on - they recognise they would not be up to it. So, since they rule it out as an option for them, they assume that if you have kept it as an option for you, you must have known what you were letting yourself in for, or perhaps that you were unlikely to meet anyone else and you should just be grateful. They may also assume the relationship was more serious than it was, or that he was not honest with you, or perhaps that you were the other woman.

There is a lot of social pressure on women to accept male mistakes because the bigger picture is the needs of the child - and of course the needs of the very important male partner. Women are expected to be helpful and forgiving. But you only get one life, and you're young. Too much of his time, attention and finances will be elsewhere rather than the joint future you had in mind. It will demoralise you bit by bit.

The saddest thing will be if he truly is as lovely as you say. He will feel guilty and he will be so, so sorry. Even if you decide to carry on, it's quite likely that you would then cope by building more of a life of your own. Which he would struggle with, because he wanted the dream, a lovely family life and children with someone he truly loves, and will react to you being more detached. You may then find yourself having to comfort him as he processes how his life has changed in ways he didn't expect. You will find that you are always the third priority.

Or, you could meet someone else, and have a better chance of everything you dreamed of. Perhaps talk to a counsellor who can help you work out what it is you really want, and whether he really is a non-negotiable part of your future.

PriamFarrl · 22/04/2023 15:59

When you are wearing rose tinted glasses red flags just look like flags.

funinthesun19 · 22/04/2023 16:03

You’ll never be able to have the life you planned with him as it will always feature his ex and his child. It might not seem that big of a deal now because the baby is a newborn and just days old, but soon he (you?) will be decorating a nursery for a child that isn’t yours. 🙁

Good luck to you if you go ahead and make it work with him. Let’s just hope the parents aren’t a pair of CF who want your help raising the child. Chances are slim.

Clymene · 22/04/2023 16:03

None of us know what the message said or if the OP has seen it.

QuickGuide · 22/04/2023 16:03

Robinni · 22/04/2023 15:56

@Felixss you made me chuckle! Yes children are monotonous at times, which is why I said the new addition wouldn’t really shake the dynamic of things in OP’s life much IF she is planning on having babies in the near future anyway. It will be another one to add into the mix (albeit part time, if that), essentially the cake is the same!

It might be less mediocre for OP as they will be able to afford live in nanny etc and they can organise the structure and routine for them. But kiss the couples holidays and discovering yourself in Rome goodbye.

What makes me doubt things is that it’s rather convenient that the ex appears now, just as he’s flying high in a new relationship with a woman who is superior to her in terms of qualifications and salary. The “baby card” is all she has to play if she has an interest in him. And beyond this, who would you rather be paying CM, Scott from down the pub who’s in and out of work, or Mr Big with six figure salary?!

Not disputing that he could have been involved with OP and OW at the same time. But women can be as shifty as men when there’s something in it for them. OW is not exempt from being able to lie or make a mistake on dates because she is female. OP and DP are right to get the DNA test done before shelling out for the sproglet.

You think ex really believed he'd just cough up without a test?

Peapodburgundybouquet · 22/04/2023 16:04

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 22/04/2023 13:58

Same. You both sound like bores who measure success in life by income. I’d have run out the door at the comment about her being happy with a mediocre life. Not too mediocre to shag without a condom though? Probably one of these guys who love bombs the shit out of women at the beginning.

And so it begins. The aggressive comments that will drive an OP away from her own thread.

Fuck sake.

HyacinthBookay · 22/04/2023 16:07

Why the rush? It can sometimes be a red flag when relationships move this fast. I would urge caution even though you have convinced yourself that you love him. In my experience real love builds over time, but I am sure you won’t listen. It all sounds too dodgy. Do you know why the ex didn’t tell him about the baby.

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