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Original poster

Boyfriend of 8 months has just found out an ex has had a baby

320 replies

WonderingPondering1806 · 22/04/2023 11:43

Hello all

Im not a mum but I’m hoping to get some advice from people who are.
Context I am 28, 29 in a month my bf is 29, 30 in a month. We met in October last year and it’s been the best relationship of my life. I’m not exaggerating. We spoke for 8 hours the first time we spoke and we went on holiday within a month and I moved in after 3 months. We met on bumble. We’re both successful him more than me he’s on 6 figures and I’m not far behind. We’re both really ambitious and equally as dorky.
Anyways his last encounter before we met was the end of august. Tbf my last encounter before him was shorter so I’m not mad at that lol
His situation ended badly to the point they blocked eachother. Last last week the ex got in contact with him via LinkedIn to let him know she’s having a baby and it’s his. He had all of a week to come to terms with it and she was born last Sunday.
He wants to be as involved as possible and is willing to support her. He still loves me and he still wants our life and future together.
Hes still going to do a dna because you never know especially since they were rocky at the end. They broke up because in his words, they had nothing in common, she was talking to other guys, she’s not ambitious and is happy with a mediocre life (which he definitely isn’t and I’m not either) and she had another child. I’m sure there was negative points on his side too but I only have his side.

Basically my question/ advice I’m seeking is how to be ok with it because right now I’m not and I think I’m being unreasonable, but I can’t help it. I feel jealous I’m not the one to share all this with him for the first time. He still wants kids with me and marriage and everything. Hes been very reassuring so that’s something but I can’t help it. And I don’t want to end up resenting anyone.
Its not the issue of him having a child. I’ve dated guys before with kids. It’s because it’s so fresh and I have no idea where they stand with eachother other than his word, whereas in the past it’s been guys that haven’t been with their exes for years. What if she wins him back in my head. She’s the mother of his child. They could be this happy family unit. I’ve never been insecure before this but this has really thrown me.
I love him more than anything and I want us to work but I hate how I feel.

Thanks for reading. I appreciate all perspectives but please don’t be mean. Like I said I’m not a mum and I know I’m not handling it well I’m just looking for advice. Thanks 🙏

OP posts:
HeartBrokenWife · 22/04/2023 15:04

I’m wondering if any other mothers of two on this board have managed to avoid “mediocrity”? If so, how? Do you change dirty nappies in a particularly stylish way? Dress like a sexy stripper in the weeks after giving birth? Or perhaps you popped behind a filing cabinet to give birth, then shot straight out again, wearing a pair of killer heels and a business suit to carry on chairing the monthly board meeting? Designer hats off to you if you did. If you didn’t, please join the rest of us ambitionless mediocrities on planet earth 🤪

Freefall212 · 22/04/2023 15:07

QuickGuide · 22/04/2023 15:03

I don't really want to be around anyone who criticises others and I certainly don't criticise my adult children's partners. There's nothing to be gained there!

Show quote history

So how can any of your children ever break up with a partner? If they can never be critical of anything any of them do - they just have to stay with them forever regardless until their partner decides to marry them or break up with them? They aren't allowed to want someone they are compatible with and to realize there is an incompatibility and voice that? You woul de very disappointed in them as a human and would no longer to around her if your daughter came to you and said she was breaking up with her boyfriend because one of their incompatibilities is that he doesn't have ambition and is happy with a mediocre life.

You have never said anything negative or critical about anyone ever?

PollyAmour · 22/04/2023 15:08

Chances are, he'll fall in love with his baby daughter AND rekindle his love for her mother and you will be out of the picture pretty quickly.

polkaday · 22/04/2023 15:09

polkaday · 22/04/2023 14:18

I know besides the point but why did you feel the need to give both your ages to the month like your babies? Why not round up?

I would still like to know, please could you answer this? @WonderingPondering1806

I think the income reference wasn't necessary either but I dont mind that so much, I guess it paints a picture a bit more.

Anyway, to the point. I'd wait till the DNA results came back and probably start mentally distancing myself in the meantime or atleast put a PAUSE on this relationship especially given you're going at a 100mph. If he is the father, personally I would be getting out of there. Lots of reasons - you are forever tied to this child. It will impact your life a lot more than you might realise. There is an ex. Why start off like this when youre '29, 30 in a month'? Also, the child would deserve a more accepting stepmum than I would be. The world is your oyster, there are many single '29, nearly 30' year old men. I wouldnt want to suffer the consequences for an action I didnt commit. All the best!

Clymene · 22/04/2023 15:10

@70isaLimitNotaTarget - I hope you're including the OP in that as she thinks the ex girlfriend lied about using contraception

QuickGuide · 22/04/2023 15:13

Freefall212 · 22/04/2023 15:07

So how can any of your children ever break up with a partner? If they can never be critical of anything any of them do - they just have to stay with them forever regardless until their partner decides to marry them or break up with them? They aren't allowed to want someone they are compatible with and to realize there is an incompatibility and voice that? You woul de very disappointed in them as a human and would no longer to around her if your daughter came to you and said she was breaking up with her boyfriend because one of their incompatibilities is that he doesn't have ambition and is happy with a mediocre life.

You have never said anything negative or critical about anyone ever?

Show quote history

You can decide someone's not for you/not the love of your life/ things aren't working out, without doing a character assassination with everyone you subsequently meet.

My exes on the whole are perfectly decent people who will make good partners for someone else, but not for me. The ones who weren't I'm glad to be shot of but don't feel the need to tell everyone how awful they were and I really don't spend much time talking to new partners about old ones.

viques · 22/04/2023 15:15

If the baby is his then see it as an indicator of how he will respond if and when you decide to have children together sometime in the distant future. I hope you are both being a bit more responsible about contraception than he and his ex were.

DartmoorWild · 22/04/2023 15:16

This is where I'd place my money:

a. He knew about this pregnancy long before he told you.

b. He's love bombing you right now, so will say all the stuff he thinks you want to hear ' you're better than her because of X,Y or Z' which he knows will appeal to your ego and has clearly worked.

c. He's told you quite plainly that if your ambition wanes you'll become mediocre which means you're of no value to him. Think on this if you want to get into the family life with this guy.

d. He looks down on people and he will probably look down in you when you are no longer interesting to him.

e. once the reality of paying for a child kicks in, he will future fake you about having kids with you because he won't want anymore drains on his time that will impact his career

This child will forever be in his life now, as will his ex. Future birthdays, Christmas, holidays will now involve his daughter and ex so your honeymoon bubble is now going to be very different.

Are you happy to fill in the financial gaps? perhaps cynically that's why he's happy with a career woman. You can help pay for the lifestyle he wants and he gets to play dad on the side.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/04/2023 15:16

He doesn’t want a partnership where he’s carrying them

This makes me very, very wary. I smell financial abuse all over it, honestly. What happens when you have children with him, op, and perhaps you want/need to stay home with the children for an extended amount of time, maybe forever if a child has disabilities? Will he beat you over the head with the fact that he's "carrying" you?

Quitelikeit · 22/04/2023 15:18

Do you realise that out of his 6 figure salary he is going to be paying handsomely for that baby? Roughly £800 a month ouch!

Tbh I wouldn’t stay

Emmamoo89 · 22/04/2023 15:18

You need to run the other way

C1N1C · 22/04/2023 15:19

I'm thinking this was a planned pregnancy... reminds me of "I'm dating a rich footballer and I got pregnant intentionally" lady a few months back... you say she's not well off, or ambitious, or interested in him, but he's on six figures, AND she waited until there was literally a baby popping out???

Starseeking · 22/04/2023 15:19

You're far too young to get caught up in this sort of drama.

Chalk up the past 8 months as a great experience, move on, and find another man at the same stage in life as you are.

Quitelikeit · 22/04/2023 15:20

I don’t think it’s bad that the op and her man seek out someone who is equally as ambitious

There are some professions that I would never ever date!

JocelynBurnell · 22/04/2023 15:20

PollyAmour · 22/04/2023 15:08

Chances are, he'll fall in love with his baby daughter AND rekindle his love for her mother and you will be out of the picture pretty quickly.

Not likely.

At least, not while the OP is earning a near six-figure sum, paying rent and having sex with him.

Freefall212 · 22/04/2023 15:24

JocelynBurnell · 22/04/2023 15:20

Not likely.

At least, not while the OP is earning a near six-figure sum, paying rent and having sex with him.

Show quote history

You do realize that many women are competent humans who can work in well paying jobs, like sex, and who are happy to be financially stable and independent? Why wouldn't she have a good job, have sex with her boyfriend and pay rent? Sounds like they both do and are pretty equal. Do you have an issue with a woman being seen as an equal?

Pollydolly13 · 22/04/2023 15:27

I think you need time to think it over. It will change the dynamic of your relationship. Does he seem shocked about the baby? I think you need to consider if you want to do the whole forever thing with someone who has a child. If he is involved the baby will be coming to stay at some point?

JocelynBurnell · 22/04/2023 15:27

DartmoorWild · 22/04/2023 15:16

This is where I'd place my money:

a. He knew about this pregnancy long before he told you.

b. He's love bombing you right now, so will say all the stuff he thinks you want to hear ' you're better than her because of X,Y or Z' which he knows will appeal to your ego and has clearly worked.

c. He's told you quite plainly that if your ambition wanes you'll become mediocre which means you're of no value to him. Think on this if you want to get into the family life with this guy.

d. He looks down on people and he will probably look down in you when you are no longer interesting to him.

e. once the reality of paying for a child kicks in, he will future fake you about having kids with you because he won't want anymore drains on his time that will impact his career

This child will forever be in his life now, as will his ex. Future birthdays, Christmas, holidays will now involve his daughter and ex so your honeymoon bubble is now going to be very different.

Are you happy to fill in the financial gaps? perhaps cynically that's why he's happy with a career woman. You can help pay for the lifestyle he wants and he gets to play dad on the side.

In a nutshell.

QuickGuide · 22/04/2023 15:28

Freefall212 · 22/04/2023 15:24

You do realize that many women are competent humans who can work in well paying jobs, like sex, and who are happy to be financially stable and independent? Why wouldn't she have a good job, have sex with her boyfriend and pay rent? Sounds like they both do and are pretty equal. Do you have an issue with a woman being seen as an equal?

Show quote history

One thing she won't ever be in this relationship is "equal". He's always gojng to have far more important commitments for a start.

Exaspa · 22/04/2023 15:28

If you stay with this person, don't, whatever you do, get ill or made redundant or get pregnant and risk mediocrity yourself or you'll be in exactly the same boat as the "mediocre" ex.

High flying thirty somethings never think it could ever happen to them but life has surprises up its sleeve even the best of us can't predict. I bet you both look down on wait staff and cleaners as "mediocre" as well??

Greenfairydust · 22/04/2023 15:32

I call this absolute bullshit.

  • your relationship moved really quickly which could be a red flag
  • he claims he knew nothing about the pregnancy because they conveniently blocked each other. Really? how likely is that?
  • ''they had nothing in common, she was talking to other guys, she’s not ambitious and is happy with a mediocre life''. That's a lot of bad-mouthing about an ex and now potentially the mother of his child and the ''mediocre life'' makes him sound really arrogant.

My take on this is that he was a crap partner and ran away the minute she said she was pregnant claiming it was unlikely to be his baby so she must have been unfaithful...

Now that the baby is born the mother has told him she will seek DNA testing and he will have to pay child maintenance so he know it can't hide this from you any longer and is spinning you a different tale.

Wise up.

ReliantRobyn · 22/04/2023 15:33

You sound like a bit of an underachiever by nature but I think here you have to leave him. Don't let him drag you down. You are still young.

Freefall212 · 22/04/2023 15:33

Surely OP has seen the message the ex sent telling him she was pregnant. This whole view that he has known all along and is a deadbeat is a pretty easy thing to prove or disprove as either the message he says he received is or isn't in his inbox.

noimaginationforausername · 22/04/2023 15:36

Mum and stepmum here and I'd run if I were you! Dating/marrying a man with kids is hard work, it's not being fun step mum and part time dad it's having two other people permanently in your life forever.

It's holidays with a child that isn't yours, it's every other weekend, school plays and parent evenings that they will be going to together, birthday parties you may or may not be invited to (depends on how reasonable the Mum is), shared Christmases and school holidays.

I'd take a step back and have a good think if you can do the whole step parent thing, without being patronising you're young and have all the choices in the world so this doesn't have to be it.

IKnowItsNotMine · 22/04/2023 15:36

🚩🚩🚩🚩

I don’t believe that he’s just found out.
I don’t believe it could be another man’s baby.
I don’t believe it’s a coincidence he fell head over heels for you so quickly.

Have you spoken direct with her yet ?

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