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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Boyfriend of 8 months has just found out an ex has had a baby

320 replies

WonderingPondering1806 · 22/04/2023 11:43

Hello all

Im not a mum but I’m hoping to get some advice from people who are.
Context I am 28, 29 in a month my bf is 29, 30 in a month. We met in October last year and it’s been the best relationship of my life. I’m not exaggerating. We spoke for 8 hours the first time we spoke and we went on holiday within a month and I moved in after 3 months. We met on bumble. We’re both successful him more than me he’s on 6 figures and I’m not far behind. We’re both really ambitious and equally as dorky.
Anyways his last encounter before we met was the end of august. Tbf my last encounter before him was shorter so I’m not mad at that lol
His situation ended badly to the point they blocked eachother. Last last week the ex got in contact with him via LinkedIn to let him know she’s having a baby and it’s his. He had all of a week to come to terms with it and she was born last Sunday.
He wants to be as involved as possible and is willing to support her. He still loves me and he still wants our life and future together.
Hes still going to do a dna because you never know especially since they were rocky at the end. They broke up because in his words, they had nothing in common, she was talking to other guys, she’s not ambitious and is happy with a mediocre life (which he definitely isn’t and I’m not either) and she had another child. I’m sure there was negative points on his side too but I only have his side.

Basically my question/ advice I’m seeking is how to be ok with it because right now I’m not and I think I’m being unreasonable, but I can’t help it. I feel jealous I’m not the one to share all this with him for the first time. He still wants kids with me and marriage and everything. Hes been very reassuring so that’s something but I can’t help it. And I don’t want to end up resenting anyone.
Its not the issue of him having a child. I’ve dated guys before with kids. It’s because it’s so fresh and I have no idea where they stand with eachother other than his word, whereas in the past it’s been guys that haven’t been with their exes for years. What if she wins him back in my head. She’s the mother of his child. They could be this happy family unit. I’ve never been insecure before this but this has really thrown me.
I love him more than anything and I want us to work but I hate how I feel.

Thanks for reading. I appreciate all perspectives but please don’t be mean. Like I said I’m not a mum and I know I’m not handling it well I’m just looking for advice. Thanks 🙏

OP posts:
Felixss · 22/04/2023 16:11

Robinni · 22/04/2023 15:56

@Felixss you made me chuckle! Yes children are monotonous at times, which is why I said the new addition wouldn’t really shake the dynamic of things in OP’s life much IF she is planning on having babies in the near future anyway. It will be another one to add into the mix (albeit part time, if that), essentially the cake is the same!

It might be less mediocre for OP as they will be able to afford live in nanny etc and they can organise the structure and routine for them. But kiss the couples holidays and discovering yourself in Rome goodbye.

What makes me doubt things is that it’s rather convenient that the ex appears now, just as he’s flying high in a new relationship with a woman who is superior to her in terms of qualifications and salary. The “baby card” is all she has to play if she has an interest in him. And beyond this, who would you rather be paying CM, Scott from down the pub who’s in and out of work, or Mr Big with six figure salary?!

Not disputing that he could have been involved with OP and OW at the same time. But women can be as shifty as men when there’s something in it for them. OW is not exempt from being able to lie or make a mistake on dates because she is female. OP and DP are right to get the DNA test done before shelling out for the sproglet.

My household income is 185k and its still monotonous even with money. I feel like all this if is wishful thinking for op. It will most certainly be his baby. Most women won't lie about paternity because the man will ask for a test. Why even bother to lie the truth comes out. OP will desperately trying to convince herself the baby is not his when it probably is

backinthesea · 22/04/2023 16:20

Basically my question/ advice I’m seeking is how to be ok with it because right now I’m not and I think I’m being unreasonable, but I can’t help it.

It's okay not to be okay with it. You're not being unreasonable. It's an entirely human response.

I think you want to know: can you adjust? Can you be the bigger person?

Well - you can, but you will pay a price in adjusting. And it will change you. You might become bitter and resentful. And even if you get over that, adjustment just takes so much time. Do you want to spend a couple of years feeling conflicted? This is meant to be an uncomplicated and happy time - and it's completely okay to say this situation isn't for you.

Change2banon · 22/04/2023 16:22

I’m not sure the dates add up to be honest. Just wait for the dna and go from there.

Snaaaaacks · 22/04/2023 16:23

He needs to get the dna test before you make any decisions, I wouldn't be surprised if this woman sees him as a meal ticket and he turns out not to be the father after all. I'm not sure I'd continue a relationship with someone who had a child in these circumstances or even older children as they will always have an impact on your family and your children you eventually have together. At your age and stage of life I'd want someone without any baggage.

bumblebeees · 22/04/2023 16:23

Results

billy1966 · 22/04/2023 16:24

backinthesea · 22/04/2023 15:59

OP - it's very likely it's his child - single parents don't find it easy to date much, so what are the chances.

Don't try to give this a go. You would feel sick every time the phone rings, for a good year or two.

Every other weekend isn't very much - but your partner will put all his overtime work and life admin into the other weekend, and you will notice that for you, the 'good' weekend is the childfree one, while for him it is the one with the child. So there will never be a good weekend. You will find the weekends with the child tiring and full-on, when you had planned for other priorities, perhaps adventures, over the next few years.

There may be some game-playing and tension until they work out a good co-parenting relationship. He will share some of the drama with you and you will be angry and upset. However, you will also find it hard to cope with the joy and all the upsides - because it isn't your own child.

When you come to buy a house you will need to pay for an extra bedroom. He might well decide he can only afford to have two children - while perhaps you would like two of your own. And this might be years into a marriage where he initially signed up to what you wanted - but he can always reasonably choose to prioritise the needs of his current child, and change his mind.

There will be nursery fees, and later on, extortionate school trips that you would never agree to for your own child, that your partner feels pressured to fund. There are college fees and living expenses, perhaps well into their 20s. Also support for a deposit on a property, a first car and first wedding. You will feel guilty for feeling resentful, but also feel that it's a high financial price to pay, and that these are things you weren't raised to expect, and didn't expect to provide for your own children.

You will be asked to do pick-ups when he is unexpectedly working late, or if the child's mother is unwell. You will find that your job becomes less important to him - for example, if you have a big deadline but you're needed at home. You will find yourself taking on a lot of responsibility that you never expected. If you have your own child, you will find that you are carrying more than half of the load for your own child - and you might suspect he finds his other childcare commitments quite convenient at times. You and any children you will have will have to work around the pickups and school runs and first child's activities and social life, and you will begin to mind on behalf of your own child that your partner just cannot do as much. And the child themselves may not warm to you, and may have challenges and needs that would strain even the strongest relationships.

And if you ever voice resentment, people will shut you off because they always put themselves in the shoes of the mother rather than the new partner. Because most people would not take this on - they recognise they would not be up to it. So, since they rule it out as an option for them, they assume that if you have kept it as an option for you, you must have known what you were letting yourself in for, or perhaps that you were unlikely to meet anyone else and you should just be grateful. They may also assume the relationship was more serious than it was, or that he was not honest with you, or perhaps that you were the other woman.

There is a lot of social pressure on women to accept male mistakes because the bigger picture is the needs of the child - and of course the needs of the very important male partner. Women are expected to be helpful and forgiving. But you only get one life, and you're young. Too much of his time, attention and finances will be elsewhere rather than the joint future you had in mind. It will demoralise you bit by bit.

The saddest thing will be if he truly is as lovely as you say. He will feel guilty and he will be so, so sorry. Even if you decide to carry on, it's quite likely that you would then cope by building more of a life of your own. Which he would struggle with, because he wanted the dream, a lovely family life and children with someone he truly loves, and will react to you being more detached. You may then find yourself having to comfort him as he processes how his life has changed in ways he didn't expect. You will find that you are always the third priority.

Or, you could meet someone else, and have a better chance of everything you dreamed of. Perhaps talk to a counsellor who can help you work out what it is you really want, and whether he really is a non-negotiable part of your future.

Between the above and @DartmoorWild excellent posts, you would be very wise to read and re read them.

They have likely nailed your situation.

The way he spoke about his ex is how he feels comfortable speaking about a woman that may be the mother of his child.

He really did a hatchet job on her between her mediocrity, coasting, other fellows... so much wrong with her, but he was with her.

Chronologically it is very possible he did know and scarpered but now has to come clean to you.

His is not a character I would depend on.

If he is the father and is now going to be involved (as he should be), your future, where you live, EVERYTHING, will all be affected by this news.

Being a step parent is absolutely thankless.

RosieLeaLovesTea · 22/04/2023 16:24

WonderingPondering1806 · 22/04/2023 13:54

Ok I apologise how that came out and it’s not to slight anyone. I just mean we’re both super ambitious and that’s a quality he values hence why they didn’t work out. He doesn’t want a partnership where he’s carrying them and he said he thought that’s what would happen with them. He’s always been more attracted to an equal and supportive thing. An example is that I just got a promotion and he literally couldn’t stop telling me how proud he was of me.
Its really not to say I think we’re better or anything but ambition and career is a factor we both really value. I added it to show why they didn’t work out. I really apologise I don’t want to sound snobby. I’m from a working class and I would never think that way.

I think I would be more worried about his views of ‘carrying people’. If you have kids your priorities may change. You may want to work part time. If you have a drop in salary will he feel resentful thinking that he is carrying you? If I read it correctly she had a DC and just had another? So maybe she could not work full time.

Iceicebabytoocold · 22/04/2023 16:31

They broke up because in his words, they had nothing in common, she was talking to other guys, she’s not ambitious and is happy with a mediocre life (which he definitely isn’t and I’m not either) and she had another child.

whilst the ex was all these things you have listed she was good enough to shag. Sounds like you have a right gem here!

heartbroken40 · 22/04/2023 16:35

OP, please do update us over the years. Many of us older mumsnetters already know how it will end (spoiler alert: with an affair on his part and/or divorce)

And I'm also very ambitious - but I wouldn't have slept with a "'mediocre" man while your "perfect" boyfriend slept with her and got her pregnant. What does this tell you about him? Will you feign ignorance when he starts shagging women after you have children?

I know you would never leave him right now but at least keep your eyes open because this is doomed to failure

Crunchymum · 22/04/2023 16:35

WonderingPondering1806 · 22/04/2023 13:56

One million percent. I always have and have always been safe.
and that’s not fair really to say about him. What if she said she was on something but lied. They were together and it wasn’t a ons
or what if it failed.

Lots of supposition there. What does he say the contraception situation was?

Freefall212 · 22/04/2023 16:37

Iceicebabytoocold · 22/04/2023 16:31

They broke up because in his words, they had nothing in common, she was talking to other guys, she’s not ambitious and is happy with a mediocre life (which he definitely isn’t and I’m not either) and she had another child.

whilst the ex was all these things you have listed she was good enough to shag. Sounds like you have a right gem here!

Most people have sex in relationships that eventually break up due to being unhealthy or bad or are too incompatible. They only dated a few months. It takes time to get to know someone, to find out they are talking to other men / women, to get past the initial superficial to find out how ambitious they are or aren't in life. And yes, people have sex during that getting to know each other stage. Very few people wait until they are sure this person is the one before having sex.

GinUnicorn · 22/04/2023 16:40

Honestly OP I don’t think you want to hear this but there are some huge red flags here.

In a relatively new relationship I’d expect ant partner to have been taking precautions with their sexual health.

He also talks disparaging about his ex the mediocre comment is vile.

He jumps very quickly into intense relationships. Moving in after three months is so quick - you are just getting to know each other at this stage.

He seems to equate money with success. What would happen if you become unwell or have a child and go on maternity?

The last point is if this child is his then if he is any kind of decent person he will be putting them first and you will have to face a future where his ex is always around. Is that what you want out of life?

19lottie82 · 22/04/2023 16:46

Honestly OP? I’d walk away. You’re still young and can find someone else without this drama.
Either you won’t be his main priority and he will be spending a lot of time with his ex OR you will be his first choice and he’s a crap dad / person. You’re stuck between a rock and a hard place.

ModestMoon · 22/04/2023 16:57

she’s not ambitious and is happy with a mediocre life

Lol!

Apart from that ridiculous comment, only you know whether this relationship is worth weathering this storm for.

SuperSange · 22/04/2023 16:59

So if you get married and pregnant, will he be posted off with 'carrying' you when you're not earning? Will your life have become mediocre? I'd be very careful if I were you.

WhatNoRaisins · 22/04/2023 17:00

Is he one of those big job men?

AllIeveknewonlyou · 22/04/2023 17:02

Another one who doesn't like the use of the word mediocre. OP has it occurred to you that you and he are mediocre in other ways aside from ambition/money folliwing your logic?

Yes DNA test, counselling, take it from there.

Quandary45 · 22/04/2023 17:07

If you don't think you can be OK with this situation, that is fine. Don't ever feel like you have to bend and flex for a man - if this doesn't feel right, move along. You're young and you can still go out, have fun and meet plenty of others without the baggage.

If you feel like he's the one and you might be able to get over this, I would still wait for the DNA results, and if positive, I would observe how he responds to the first few months of the child's life - how involved he is/how he is with the child/money matters/how he treats the ex and you of course. If at that point you're unhappy with any of these, walk away - it would still not be too late for you to move on.

Like other PP I would be less concerned with the situation itself (unless he has lied to you and did know about the pregnancy) but I would watch closely and judge his character on what happens next.

I think she's done you a favour TBH if you decide to stay - if he thinks having kids and having a quiet life is "mediocre", you might want to be weary of dreaming of your own family with him. I think it's brilliant when a woman is a high flyer, but it is so difficult to balance it all when you have a child. And you can judge his reaction to it all before you put yourself in that situation.

samestyle · 22/04/2023 17:14

I would leave this situation, I think this is too much to cope with.

BadNomad · 22/04/2023 17:17

What does "be as involved as possible" look like? Involved as possible means at least 50/50. Will that work with his super ambitious career goals? Or does he mean he'll pay her the minimum CM so it has the least impact on his quality of life?

HundredMilesAnHour · 22/04/2023 17:18

WonderingPondering1806 · 22/04/2023 13:54

Ok I apologise how that came out and it’s not to slight anyone. I just mean we’re both super ambitious and that’s a quality he values hence why they didn’t work out. He doesn’t want a partnership where he’s carrying them and he said he thought that’s what would happen with them. He’s always been more attracted to an equal and supportive thing. An example is that I just got a promotion and he literally couldn’t stop telling me how proud he was of me.
Its really not to say I think we’re better or anything but ambition and career is a factor we both really value. I added it to show why they didn’t work out. I really apologise I don’t want to sound snobby. I’m from a working class and I would never think that way.

Well he clearly didn't value ambition that much for the 4 - 5 months he was having unprotected sex with his ex in her mediocre world. You need to take your love goggles off OP and have a long hard look at this guy.

raffika · 22/04/2023 17:23

I don’t have any advice to add, as you’ve received plenty, but I just wanted to share my experience of a similar situation.

When I met my husband 15 years ago, an ex was pregnant with his child and I had to consider whether I was up for that. I decided to see how things went - my family were worried, my friends thought I was mad.

All these years later we’re still together, happily married, nice home, good careers, we see his child often, I’ve never contributed to the child financially except on occasion by choice, and we’re now having a baby of our own.

So things can work out, even with the odds against you.

HyacinthBookay · 22/04/2023 17:25

Change2banon · 22/04/2023 16:22

I’m not sure the dates add up to be honest. Just wait for the dna and go from there.

that was my instinct but I didn’t do any calculations.

Hocuspocusnonsense · 22/04/2023 17:28

I feel for you I was in a similar situation.

I met someone and dated for 3 months before his ex popped up and said she was pregnant and going ahead with the baby. She’d waited so there couldn’t be any discussion about whether she would keep the baby or not. She was 6 months pregnant.

I will be honest with you.

It put a HUGE strain on our relationship. We stayed together for 12 years but, for the first two she tried everything to get him back and be a family. She initially invited him to come and see the baby whenever he wanted day or night. She would call him at all hours. She would ask him to go round there and help her if the baby was unwell. She insisted she always had to be there too. Their child was 3 years old and she would still insist she had to be there on every contact. Days out she would go along too. Visits to his family she would go along too. Christmas Day visit had to be at her house. I wasn’t allowed anywhere near the child.

They went backwards and forwards to court. I wasn’t allowed anywhere near the child and was even named in the court papers as being a threat to their child and it was a condition that I would not be involved with their child. Their child was 4 when I first saw her.

When the child was about 3 and she realised she couldn’t get him back she switched to being horrible. Would obstruct any contact. Accused him of being a risk to their child. Sadly contact eventually dwindled and he gave up when their child was about 10.

I had so so many upsetting times over the years. I hated the control she had over him, the games she would play. I resented him experiencing his first child with someone else, even though it wasn’t his choice and it wasn’t a normal experience.

It is a horrible situation to find yourself in and will make a difference to your relationship.

doistayordoigo · 22/04/2023 17:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Sorry, at what point was I bragging? I was simply replying to the OP that only she can decide based on how she feels and her knowledge of her boyfriend, and providing my own story for context.

As it happens my DH's ex left him, not the other way round, and he went to court to get access to his son. He paid maintenance until his son was 22, and has seen him regularly throughout his life. Which of the above makes him a deadbeat absent father?

He's a brilliant dad to both my stepson and our two sons.

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