Boyfriend of 8 months has just found out an ex has had a baby

[WonderingPondering1806]

Hello all

Im not a mum but I’m hoping to get some advice from people who are.
Context I am 28, 29 in a month my bf is 29, 30 in a month. We met in October last year and it’s been the best relationship of my life. I’m not exaggerating. We spoke for 8 hours the first time we spoke and we went on holiday within a month and I moved in after 3 months. We met on bumble. We’re both successful him more than me he’s on 6 figures and I’m not far behind. We’re both really ambitious and equally as dorky.
Anyways his last encounter before we met was the end of august. Tbf my last encounter before him was shorter so I’m not mad at that lol
His situation ended badly to the point they blocked eachother. Last last week the ex got in contact with him via LinkedIn to let him know she’s having a baby and it’s his. He had all of a week to come to terms with it and she was born last Sunday.
He wants to be as involved as possible and is willing to support her. He still loves me and he still wants our life and future together.
Hes still going to do a dna because you never know especially since they were rocky at the end. They broke up because in his words, they had nothing in common, she was talking to other guys, she’s not ambitious and is happy with a mediocre life (which he definitely isn’t and I’m not either) and she had another child. I’m sure there was negative points on his side too but I only have his side.

Basically my question/ advice I’m seeking is how to be ok with it because right now I’m not and I think I’m being unreasonable, but I can’t help it. I feel jealous I’m not the one to share all this with him for the first time. He still wants kids with me and marriage and everything. Hes been very reassuring so that’s something but I can’t help it. And I don’t want to end up resenting anyone.
Its not the issue of him having a child. I’ve dated guys before with kids. It’s because it’s so fresh and I have no idea where they stand with eachother other than his word, whereas in the past it’s been guys that haven’t been with their exes for years. What if she wins him back in my head. She’s the mother of his child. They could be this happy family unit. I’ve never been insecure before this but this has really thrown me.
I love him more than anything and I want us to work but I hate how I feel.

Thanks for reading. I appreciate all perspectives but please don’t be mean. Like I said I’m not a mum and I know I’m not handling it well I’m just looking for advice. Thanks 🙏

I suspect this is what happened.

And / or he dumped and blocked her when he found out she was pregnant.

Then he love bombed and rushed you along in order to bury his head in the sand about the pregnancy.

You should be worried.

There is a lot that doesn’t add up and dynamics and pace that suggest someone in a panic.

The reality of him being involved in the life of his newborn daughter is being in the company of his x - he won’t he having time away on his own with the baby for years.

There is a risk that they will rekindle their relationship through a shared family experience.

This is a mess that you don’t need to involve yourself in but I suspect he deliberately rushed your relationship, moving in etc in a manipulative way so that you were tied to him emotionally and practically when the news broke.

I would find out if he has lied or withheld the truth - and if you find out this to be the case then their is zero trust and he has hoodwinked you and you need to leave because the ‘roller-coaster’ relationship wasn’t real or mutual - it was duplicitous and self serving.

You deserve much much more than this.

Sadly, I agree with this. He doesn’t sound like a great person. Sorry. You said you wanted us to be kind but I take it you don’t want us to tell lies about what we hear.

I was thinking the same!

OP you both sound so childish, describing your age and "birthday next month" thing sounds so teenager-y...

Who cares why he split up with the last girl, and whoa on the judgement about her approach to life, he sounds like a very smug human to be honest.

I think given he is about to be a co-parent and won't have a CLUE, it could work well for you. You can both learn on the job. But please, I'm not being nasty, rein in your combined judgement of someone else.

The woman has for some reason felt very strongly about not telling him (she will have some view of your ex for sure and it won't be a good one) but has changed her mind. She may be led by her experience with the father of her other child. Who knows. It is very possible to co-parent really effectively so for the love of god you both need to go into it with no judgement of her. She is the one doing the really hard bit.

@backinthesea is absolutely correct. I’m a stepmother and recognise lots of that post

@Ooolaaaala dumped and blocked her probably in the hope she wouldn't continue with the pregnancy...

some men also desperately try and get someone else and a new relationship very quickly in the hope that this will also trigger ex to end the pregnancy.

Yes another possibility.

Will be interesting to hear the x version and timeline.

To add to this, if he is genuine and desperate for a relationship with his child, his ex will forever have a hold over him. He will have to keep funding more and more of his child's expenses so that she does not make it difficult for him to see the child. Your own children may end up shortchanged.

The guy sounds absolutely full of self-importance - thinks he is somehow too good for a single mother and that she's 'mediocre'. He was willing to jump into bed and have unprotected sex with her, but has deemed himself too good for her long term? To me that stinks of a man with very problematic views on women he thinks are below him - can just essentially use them. He's certainly no prize.

But you wouldn't know this yet as you're still in the honeymoon phase so convinced he's the best thing since sliced bread. You can't see the wood for the trees.

I wouldn't get involved if I were you. It will be ridiculously hard with a newborn (which she won't want you involved with, and I don't blame her) and you'll likely get to the end and realize he's a prat anyway

I AM STRUGGLING A BIT HERE. YOU DON'T MENTION MUM, DAD, OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS, BEST FRIENDS ETC. IN 6/7 MONTHS HAS ANYONE MET HIM? WHAT DO THEY THINK? ......... IF NOT, WHY NOT?

SORRY FOR CAPS, BAD EYESIGHT

To add to what other posters have said - you're about two steps away from 'mediocrity' yourself. Pregnancy, illness, redundancy. Most of us are way closer to homelessness than we are being millionaires. He is not too good for her and you are not better than she is. I am always wary of men that try to build me up by shoving other women down

It's really not wise to be putting all your faith in a man who speaks like this about a woman he was with - a single mother who is likely trying her very best. I think (most) single mothers are superwomen actually. Can't be easy

Her lack of ambition and mediocre life means she's not good enough as a partner, but he still shagged her for several months, and presumably at times without protection.

He sounds like a Prince OP, well done you.

Some list!

Has a whiff of the "crazy ex" to me🙄.

He thinks he's some catch.

Everything he has said about her, is how he'll likely speak about you in future.

You sound spectacularly naive.

Stay with him and I imagine you have more than a really tough dose of reality ahead of you.

It would be so silly to dismiss the variety of wise posts here that more than likely have the measure of this guy that you really don't know from adam.

Good point there from pp that we are all close to ‘mediocrity’ as he calls it. I was ‘career orientated’ and ‘ambitious’ and my life changed overnight. You are being very naive there op, especially as you don’t have children yourself and you don’t appreciate how life can change in a way you didn’t foresee or plan for.

Yes OP your post does have a vibe of you being "superior" to her about it- she's "mediocre" in his words but you're more on his level right?

You're in the honeymoon phase and he's made you feel special, you're better than her. I don't think you probably mean to come across this way, but you are naïve.

As others have said, she was good enough to have sex with for several months, and unprotected sex.

And I can almost guarantee you that he knew about the pregnancy earlier on. It would be incredibly rare for a woman to hide a pregnancy from the father and then tell him at such a late stage, what would she gain from doing that? It makes no difference to her putting in a claim for CMS or anything like that as a PP suggested.

OP and her boyfriend are very young and clearly immature.

they seem very focused on money. I earn a six figure salary - but I am incredibly mediocre😂. I work so hard I have no time to truly enjoy life.

My friend earn less than half of what I do and is as far from mediocre as any person could be! she enjoys art and culture, lives quite an alternative life style, camps in remote places around the world and is the happiest person I know.

OP and her boyfriend need to grow up. A large house, an Audi, a cleaner and £40k
kitchen are mediocre!!!!!

OP - the only way this will work longer-term is if you are able to see yourself as on the same team as your partner and the child's mother.

Dehumanising language and imagining her away won't do. It's tough for mothers even living with their children's fathers to afford to work full-time - because of childcare fees - and most people just don't earn enough anyway, regardless of how talented they are or how hard they work. This is why people are reacting to you using the word 'mediocre'.

You will need to use every bit of grace and recognition of the fundamental equality and dignity of all human beings - including those who didn't do so well at college, or who made different life choices, and single parents with children to different people - to make this work.

That said, if we were to join in the status-focused mindset: a few days ago, you and your partner were well-matched. Well, now you are now not well-matched. He has baggage and you are 'out of his league'.

But he will not see it in that way, because he sees this as not his fault and something that came out of nowhere. His instinct will be that if you really love him you will embrace everything about him, seeing the best of him, and who he truly is.

Which is all well and good, and perhaps you are that saintly. But would he have dated you if the boot were on the other foot - he would have seen you as wanting different things, having different values, you would not have been in as good a job...

I agree with others that IF this was a dealbreaker for you
I certainly wouldn’t blame you for walking away
it’s baggage +++
hes going to have to navigate Co parenting and child support with someone he dated for a while and it ended acrimoniously with

this must probably suck to wrap your head around

I agree - he sounds like a twat.

And it’s interesting that he told you that one of the reasons he left his ex was because she already had a child with somebody else….

Well now he’s the one in your relationship who has a child with someone else.

I bet he expects you to stick around though.

He’d also best prepare himself for a life of mediocrity that he was so adamant he didn’t want either.

This sounds like a total nightmare and would take its toll on a very well established couple, never mind a couple just 8 months in.

I hope you’re prepared to slip into second place on his list of priorities (or possibly 3rd if he focuses a lot on his ex too due to this scenario arising) and I wish you the best of luck OP as I think you’re going to need it!

Yep

Ouch

I mean, if some of the posts here were trying to be constructively supportive and guiding to the OP about the situation she’s potentially facing, I guess that would be something, but instead it’s just a sea of sheer relish telling her her boyfriend is going to cheat on her once they have kids and tearing strips off her for what’s happened…

Your relationship has moved way too fast especially at your ages
I'm old and cynical but I would wonder if he knew about the pregnancy and that was the reason they split... Fast forward 9 months and he has you involved
Anyway Wait for the DNA results and step back a bit

I just mean we’re both super ambitious and that’s a quality he values hence why they didn’t work out. He doesn’t want a partnership where he’s carrying them and he said he thought that’s what would happen with them

At your age I would have presented as equally career focused and driven, and, at nearly 50 it’s true that my career has progressed well.

But - DH and I have had children and as such there have been large swathes of time where he has financially “carried” the household, as you do in a partnership.

Your identity within this very new relationship seems to be that of the independent career woman who isn’t financially needy. This is your version of Not Like The Other Girls.

Which is great, but given how quickly he’s love-bombing you with promises for the future, you need to work out what “financially carrying” means to him. Will you have to pay for yourself and a baby on maternity leave? Will you have shared or separate accounts? Who will organise and pay for child care? Who will take time off for a sick child? Who will look after a severely disabled child?

It’s easy to claim now that you’re Not Like The Other (needy) Girls but life comes at you hard, and if you want a family with him, the reality of female biology means there will be times when you physically can’t be at work.

The new baby will need to be financially supported for the next two decades - given your current focus on money, how do you feel about your boyfriend financially “carrying” his child?

You’re all loved up but objectively he doesn’t sound a good catch. Love-bombing, moving very fast, denigrating his ex and now a new baby he supposedly didn’t know anything about. You should leave.

The OP can be fully informed to prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

There likely are a lot of older PP who will have seen or heard of situations / dynamics like this before and are just sharing their experiences - ones that at 28 the OP won’t have a clue about.

The tone of posts has changed but I think it’s in response to frustration/irritation at the OP covering for her BF actions and concern that she could sleep walk into something fundamentally v v messy that currently she has no obligations to rather than any intentional ‘relish’.

It’s easy to claim now that you’re Not Like The Other (needy) Girls but life comes at you hard, and if you want a family with him, the reality of female biology means there will be times when you physically can’t be at work.

100% agree with this from @nolongersurprised .

Sadly though, I don't think I'd have believed this in my 20s. I also thought I was ever so non-mediocre. Never dreamed I'd go part time after having DD, or that I'd co-sleep with her so much, or breastfeed her for over 2y. I thought she'd just slot into my glamorous life (snort) without affecting it much. Also never dreamed for a moment what a devastating emcs I'd have and how much help I'd need from my DH. I was the definition of needy, I remember him having to hand me in and out of the shower the first few days.

Sadly we are doomed not to be listened to by younger women, and younger women are doomed to experience all the shocks we're trying to protect them from.

Anyway, although I'm (just) a part time teacher and a suburban mum, and I don't earn 6 figures, I don't feel like I'm living a mediocre life. I'm living the dream, it's wonderful.