Boyfriend of 8 months has just found out an ex has had a baby

[WonderingPondering1806]

Hello all

Im not a mum but I’m hoping to get some advice from people who are.
Context I am 28, 29 in a month my bf is 29, 30 in a month. We met in October last year and it’s been the best relationship of my life. I’m not exaggerating. We spoke for 8 hours the first time we spoke and we went on holiday within a month and I moved in after 3 months. We met on bumble. We’re both successful him more than me he’s on 6 figures and I’m not far behind. We’re both really ambitious and equally as dorky.
Anyways his last encounter before we met was the end of august. Tbf my last encounter before him was shorter so I’m not mad at that lol
His situation ended badly to the point they blocked eachother. Last last week the ex got in contact with him via LinkedIn to let him know she’s having a baby and it’s his. He had all of a week to come to terms with it and she was born last Sunday.
He wants to be as involved as possible and is willing to support her. He still loves me and he still wants our life and future together.
Hes still going to do a dna because you never know especially since they were rocky at the end. They broke up because in his words, they had nothing in common, she was talking to other guys, she’s not ambitious and is happy with a mediocre life (which he definitely isn’t and I’m not either) and she had another child. I’m sure there was negative points on his side too but I only have his side.

Basically my question/ advice I’m seeking is how to be ok with it because right now I’m not and I think I’m being unreasonable, but I can’t help it. I feel jealous I’m not the one to share all this with him for the first time. He still wants kids with me and marriage and everything. Hes been very reassuring so that’s something but I can’t help it. And I don’t want to end up resenting anyone.
Its not the issue of him having a child. I’ve dated guys before with kids. It’s because it’s so fresh and I have no idea where they stand with eachother other than his word, whereas in the past it’s been guys that haven’t been with their exes for years. What if she wins him back in my head. She’s the mother of his child. They could be this happy family unit. I’ve never been insecure before this but this has really thrown me.
I love him more than anything and I want us to work but I hate how I feel.

Thanks for reading. I appreciate all perspectives but please don’t be mean. Like I said I’m not a mum and I know I’m not handling it well I’m just looking for advice. Thanks 🙏

Do not commit to feeling anything or accepting anything.

Each to their own but for many this would be it.

Even if it was as he says, he now has a baby from a very recently ended relationship.

To many that simply wouldn't be something they would want to be entangled with.....all a bit too Jeremy Kyle.

Many simply wouldn't want to be explaining this in their circle of family and friends.

I appreciate that may sound pretentious, I am just being honest and to let you know you would not be unreasonable to feel this way.

Also him not wishing to carry someone is absolutely his choice, but clearly he is not someone to be rushing into having children with.

His high salary will now be hit with a CM claim.

I would tread very very warily.
I would commit to nothing.
I would prepare for this not working out.

I am so sorry, you must be so disappointed.

I don't. I have lived with a few people and none of them were required to support me as a dependent because we lived together. Nor was I required to support my partner as a dependent when he moved in with me. We had jobs and worked and shared bills and continued to both be equals. Same with roommates. It is very possible to live together without being supported by someone else.

The person with the “mediocre life” was good enough for hm to have sex with. And to bring a child into the world with. What a horrible and immature way to speak
about the mother of his child. I sure hope the child never hears you speak about her mother like that.

You both sound very young. You Writer about h

You write about him like a teenager writing about her first crush.

What a dramatization of the reality of the situation! Your overexaggeration sounds more teenage like than Ops post.

I find this even more worry tbh.

After 7 months you are in a situation where you have talked about marriage and kids plus you are super ambitious (which is great) .
But he doesn’t want a relationship where he has to ‘carry’ the other person? With your emphasis on money and success, and the ‘mediocre life’ comment I really hope he doesn’t turn into some of the ‘D’ H on here who then don’t support their partner when having a baby and on May leave , put nothing towards baby stuff or nursery etc
I would move on. Too complicated .

• Mat leave

I’d Chuck this one back in the ocean if it were me. The lifestyle you are drawn to with him is about to change & his commitment rightly now needs to be to his child. You are only 8 months deep, your feelings for him might feel huge but if it’s meant to be it will, in the meantime I’d save yourself the headache. For what it’s worth a similar situation happend when I first met my husband, baby turned out not to be his but I left him whilst all the drama unfolded. Wev been married with children 6 years this year.

It's almost as if people on here have never spoken a bad word about an ex, not to mention before knowing of any baby they've accidentally fathered! This whole 'mediocre' nonsense people have jumped on is so blood pathetic. We have no idea what exactly he is referring to in life as 'mediocre' but apparently he's a dickhead anyway - MN is wild.

Patronising much!

My ex was an absolute arsehole to be married to, he nearly destroyed me. I don't go around bitching about him though. And I certainly wouldn't tell the next guy that I was married to a narcissistic prick.

And I'm not sure why you even brought that up as my comment was about people who think they're better with their high flying jobs.

you both sound a bit immature.

if you want to have kids with this man be careful. How will finances work when you are on maternity leave? It sounds like he will only respect you if you are matching his earnings - what if you can’t?

he is in a large salary at a young age. Assume he is working in a very high pressured long hours sector - and if you are earning. Around £80k you must be too.

I also assume you are living in a high cost city - probably London?

will he resent the child support payments?

assuming he earns £120k that’s £1,000 per month to the mother. This also assumes he doesn’t have the baby overnight - will you do that?

lots to work though here - tread very carefully

Please re read what you have said about him. He sounds awful. Big red flags here OP. I worry for you if you have children with him. Don't expect him to be super supportive of you. Baby maybe, but not you.

I think you've added a new layer of complexity to your relationship.

First and foremost I'd be waiting for dna results before doing anything much.

If baby turns out to be his you need to have an open discussion about how this is all going to look.

I agree with others that you've already complicated things by rushing things at the beginning but that's by the by.

I think your perfectly valid mourning the idea that you won't share those things together for the first time and also perfectly valid not knowing exactly how to be ok yet - it's all so new and uncertain. However, if it is going to work long term you are going to have to be ok with it.

It also sounds like cms on his salary is going to be considerable to so you're going to have to figure that into your lives too. I'm not saying either of you will be unhappy about paying, just that it will be a considerable new expense you weren't expecting even days ago!!

You also need to factor into your feelings how you are with him having a relationship with his ex. Maybe even one day you ending up with a relationship with his ex

I highly doubt you will tell the next guy positive things about your ex. Why is your ex allowed to be an absolute arsehole and a narcissitic prick but OPs boyfriend can't havean issue with a lack of ambition in a partner?

Your comments make no sense at all. It is normal to break up with people because there is some incompatiblity and that incompatibility being one person lacks ambition and is happy with a medicore life is not some rare thing. As I said, read these boards - posters will be told to break up with a guy who has no ambition and is happy to cost along in a medicore life.

He doesn’t want a partnership where he’s carrying them and he said he thought that’s what would happen with them. He’s always been more attracted to an equal and supportive thing. An example is that I just got a promotion and he literally couldn’t stop telling me how proud he was of me.

Well, at least you know why he moved on from her so quickly and latched on to you.

Supporting this child will cost him financially and reduce his standard of living and this was something that he clearly did not want because he is a selfish git.

But lucky him! By latching on to you, he can cut his expenses, restored his finances all the while supporting his child. No wonder he couldn't stop talking about your promotion. He won the lottery and has managed to turn the situation around.

If you ever become pregnant or no longer earning a near six-figure sum, he will be gone in a flash. He will find someone else in a matter of weeks and you won't be able to contact him

Please tell me you realise that you can do so much better.

Why are you coming up with scenarios that might explain away his behaviour? It should be the very first thing YOU asked HIM. 'How did this happen? Were you having unprotected sex with this woman, who you describe in derogatory terms? Why were you doing that?' Then see how he answers, and gauge if he is being truthful or not.

You are so lost in emotion that you seem to have switched off your capacity for critical thinking and your ability to make healthy independent decisions about your own life. It is NOT your job to find this situation okay; nor to happily accommodate him (and his child and his ex); nor to continue thinking that he is a great guy when clearly he is not and never was.

Wake up!!! The romantic daydream is OVER.

One of you needs to find somewhere else to live - so you can both think clearly and make the best possible decisions for the future.

I'm really not skeptical the baby is his. It's wishful thinking how many men are utter shits and lie saying they broke up ages ago didn't know she was pregnant. Meanwhile he was shagging them both.

Having children is by definition mediocre because they thrive on structure and routine.

There's a difference between telling the next guy positive things and not slagging them off.

Thing didn't work out, we weren't compatible, we wanted different things. Fine. She was happy with her mediocre life as a single parent. Not fine.

Also, tell me why I'm right, not why she's wrong. In fact really, don't talk about her at all.

One million percent. I always have and have always been safe.
and that’s not fair really to say about him. What if she said she was on something but lied. They were together and it wasn’t a ons
or what if it failed.

Well no, you haven't though have you? Otherwise you wouldn't have needed to get an STI test straight after you had sex. HIV can take months to show up on a screening after exposure so I'd get tested again.

I don't like the way you describe the two of you and then how you describe his "mediocre" ex. Once he meets the baby, prepare for her not to be so mediocre.

Sorry OP but I think this has red flags all over it & I'd probably walk away (I know that's easier said than done when feelings are involved.) At your age I wouldn't want the hassle, you haven't even been together very long. Sorry if that sounds harsh but I'm getting old & cynical! This must be really difficult & you have my sympathy.

Did he live with this mediocre ex? Did he have anything to do with her other child?

Oh please. This is such nonsense. I bet if you asked the male partners of 100 women on this site if they knew anything negative about an ex of their partner or why they had broken up, most would have something to say. The idea that no one talks to a new partner about why a past relationship ended or incompatiblites they had is nonsense.

And if your daughter with a great job and salary that she had worked hard for came home and said mom, I realize my boyfriend doesn't really have any ambition and just is good with a mediocre life - you would be mad she was slagging him off and how dare she criticize him and nothing wrong with no ambition and enjoying a mediocre life? No, you woudn't.

DNA test and if it is positive and the baby is his I would have a 3 month break to have a think so you can both think calmly and see whether you really want to make a go of it.

Ah yes but that's for people using them

So, so many posters on this thread have decided he had unprotected sex , because obviously THEY WERE THERE

MN wisdom is woman gets pregnant= man didn't use condom.
Always the man's fault . Condom failure is never taken into account .

DNA test really as soon as physically possible .
Then decide from there .

I don't really want to be around anyone who criticises others and I certainly don't criticise my adult children's partners. There's nothing to be gained there!