Wife wants to meet another man

[Treeline5]

My wife told me she's going to meet a man for coffee.

It's a work thing. Not someone she works with, but someone who works for another company and they've chatted in cross company zoom/teams meetings etc..and then started emailing each other, all work related, and have now decided it would be nice to actually meet each other. Again, for work purposes. They don't work on anything together, not working on any projects together, just both have the same job type for different companies, so that is their common ground. "Bounce ideas off each other" is what she said.

She told me about her plans. I commented that I don't know why you have to meet him, feels like you've got a good working relationship with him, but now you want to take it to the next level to become friends.
I said it's great that you're networking and making new contacts in your industry, she told me loads of stuff about him, where he lives, family background, wife children etc..so has obviously got to know him well enough so far without actually meeting him, so why the need to take it any further?
I know this comes across as massively jealous. But who does this? Men don't do this for any other reason than you know what. Are women different?
I'm not suggesting my wife has any other motive here, but he probably has. I don't know who invited who.

My wife is very annoyed at me for saying what i thought.

you’re being ridiculously controlling and possessive. She has to ask permission to see a work colleague? Seriously?

She wasn't asking permission, and neither does she need to ask. She told me what she was doing, and I communicated my feelings about it.

Actually my husband did this yesterday with a female contact. Met her for lunch, in fact.

Never crossed my mind that it would be anything other than a business meeting. I believe she will be a very useful contact going forward.

He does it with male contacts as well. It's called networking, and is an integral part of the job for many people.

But who does this?

Erm, everyone?!

Yeah I get networking, they've been doing that, why the need to actually meet him

Do they?

Mate, you're being a jealous arse. People of the opposite sex are capable to meeting up for all sorts of reasons that don't include sex.

Just because apparently you can't meet up with a woman without it being a sex thing, doesn't mean no man can. My best mate is a woman, we've known each other over 20 years and never so much as kissed.

Sounds fine. She's meeting someone in the same line of work who she's had some work related contact with already. It's networking.
You'd have no issue if he was a she.
Do you not trust you partner?

I would be monitoring her very closely

But why meet? I don't understand the need?

And I’d be divorcing someone who did this very quickly.

It’s work based networking. Totally fine.

I can understand your feelings about it OP. In this modern, enlightened world there’s not much you can do without being seen as over reacting but your feelings are still valid. And if you were a woman whose husband was going off for coffee with a work colleague, there would be plenty folk on here saying that it would set their alarm bells ringing.

I try to see things on a human level. I have plenty male friends who, when I meet up with them, my husband doesn’t bat an eyelid. However they mostly existed before husband was on the scene. It should still stand that I can make new male friends as well as new female friends. I have done so but there are other times when my gut feeling is that with some, there is a ‘connection’ that could easily be taken further if either of us chose to do so. It’s having the trust in yourself and your partner that this will never happen. Humans are complex.

Because it helps consolidate the relationships. It makes a difference to meet in person.

In my last job I would travel internationally to meet someone (usually a man) for lunch. Often one for breakfast, another for lunch and another for dinner. Virtually is not the same.

How's your marriage? If it's solid this is nothing to worry about.

From what you have said, I can see your point

I would not be happy if my husband did this

I don't think it's worry. More disappointment.

Why does my wife feel like she needs, or wants another male friend in her life?

One, if not both, will be thinking..."just want to see how attractive they are"

I personally think at this point it's not work related at all. It's beyond that.

They don't actually work together. No need to know each other. But now they do, they want to build on it and become friends under the pretense of work.

OP - Your last post nailed what I was thinking.

There’s a fine line with work/client relationships and this is crossing it.

Own your suspicion, that’s your intuition telling you something’s “off”.

It may be nothing right now but this is the step beyond keeping it professional.

Hidden in plain sight springs to mind.

There isn’t a limit of how many friends one can have. She’s perfectly entitled to have ‘another man’ in her life.

They work in similar fields, they get on, they want to build a friendship. This is perfectly ok.

I have male colleagues who I don’t work with on a regular basis and I meet them to socialise, chat etc. I’ve managed to avoid shagging them.

So, if my DH had said to me what your DW said to you @Treeline5 I would be saying to him (gently) that of course that's fine, but just keep remembering to be aware, because sometimes these types of meetings can threaten the boundary walls of the marriage. I'd obviously point out that you're not accusing her of having weak boundaries, but sometimes other people may. It might sound patronising to say it but it worked for me as my DH seemed genuinely to be clueless about other women wanting to be anything more but friends, until we almost reached crisis point and I pointed it out to him.

You need to work on your insecurities. Meetings in person esp networking kind are much more efficient in person. If my husband told me he think there is an alterior motive for a coffee meeting with an industry colleague I would be furious with him. You have issues, not her

It’s disappointing that your wife is meeting a basic human need of social connection?

Do you expect to be everything to your wife? Do you find everything you need in her?

It’s this stifling idea of relationships that creates a fertile breeding ground for secrecy and emotional affairs. She’s an autonomous person, as are you, with needs that can’t and shouldn’t be met in her relationship with you.

She needs friends. You sound like you do too!

Your post title makes it sound as if she wants to have an affair or open up the marriage.

No, this is nothing to be concerned about if you have a good relationship.

Don't follow any advice about monitoring her, that is bonkers.

I would not be happy at all.

But why wouldn't she just want another male friend? Do you feel you're supposed to occupy the only Male Place in her life? That's pretty arrogant, and primitive.

I have a husband I adore. I still have several male friends, some met through work, some via other means, whom I see often. One (though we no longer live in the same country, so it's now a matter of phonecalls and texts, is an ex from a long time ago.) It's no different to having female friends, unless you're of the same opinion as Wahabi-ism -- that unrelated men and women cannot be in the same space without sexual impropriety.

I've read so many mumsnet threads where people insist that if a posters DH so much as says hello to another woman then they are cheating or want to.

I've read several threads exactly like this but with genders reversed and it's always that the man is a lying pig, that it's disrespectful to meet up with another woman for coffee, that the poster should leave etc.

Anyone in such threads telling op to trust her DH is called naive or accused of being a coolwife if they're ok with their DH having opposite sex friendships.

For what it's worth I think OP is being overly jealous and that friendships are fine between men and women but I was surprised to read how different the responses were than what I would usually read.