Wife wants to meet another man

[Treeline5]

My wife told me she's going to meet a man for coffee.

It's a work thing. Not someone she works with, but someone who works for another company and they've chatted in cross company zoom/teams meetings etc..and then started emailing each other, all work related, and have now decided it would be nice to actually meet each other. Again, for work purposes. They don't work on anything together, not working on any projects together, just both have the same job type for different companies, so that is their common ground. "Bounce ideas off each other" is what she said.

She told me about her plans. I commented that I don't know why you have to meet him, feels like you've got a good working relationship with him, but now you want to take it to the next level to become friends.
I said it's great that you're networking and making new contacts in your industry, she told me loads of stuff about him, where he lives, family background, wife children etc..so has obviously got to know him well enough so far without actually meeting him, so why the need to take it any further?
I know this comes across as massively jealous. But who does this? Men don't do this for any other reason than you know what. Are women different?
I'm not suggesting my wife has any other motive here, but he probably has. I don't know who invited who.

My wife is very annoyed at me for saying what i thought.

But, again, this isn't the same as the scenario the OP has described.

I'm not saying you're wrong. I agree with you in the scenario you describe but it's different.

But it's also common for me to meet up
With people from different organisations who do the same job as me. That's what's happening here and it's normal in many sectors.

Also, many posters are talking about meeting up with male colleagues so my scenario applies to their responses.

You're projecting here. Not every man would have sex on their mind in this scenario but it sounds as though you would.

It is a tricky one.

In an ideal world, there is nothing wrong about networking over a coffee. However, if this is the only ‘networking’ coffee your wife has ever gone on, I would be suspicious, especially if she has had ‘mentiontitis’ about this guy recently.

I would have thought a weekday would be more normal for this but, according to some posters above, this is how they like to spend their weekends.

Ultimately, if you have been with someone and you know well, you kind of notice behaviour changes, even if you can’t put your finger on it.

But what can you do, other than keep an eye on it? If coffees turn into dinners and they then start happening to go on business trips to the same places, you will have your answer.

Yanbu I network and go for coffees with blokes at work. There’s no way in this world I’d be meeting up with someone I don’t even work with at a weekend unless it was the only time we could get together to discuss something important like a job I wanted to apply for at his company, for example.

The amount of communication they are having is weird. Ignore people saying this is normal and what they do. Of course that’s just utter BS. Your gut is telling you what’s quite obvious, there’s something more going on.

You’re not controlling or abusive, you just don’t want to be played!

Also depending on what industry they are in, there could actually be serious issues with them bouncing ideas off each other while working at different companies!

Have I missed something... where does it say this is happening at a weekend?

Worse case, your partner wants an affair
Basically they could have one even fishing from the company pond so to speak.

That aside, I'f it's business they would another woman make any difference ?

Usually you can discuss ideas better in person than over chat ect. Then if corporate espionage is involved then it certainly needs to be off the books and an in person meeting, especially with digital tracks ect.
And before people go omg corporate espionage ect, it's quite common.

You don’t sound good with the following, @Treeline5.

I don't think it's worry. More disappointment.

Why does my wife feel like she needs, or wants another male friend in her life?

I agree with you OP. The meeting in person isn't necessary for the networking as they have already been doing this virtually. She should just be honest, they are wanting to be friends, it's no longer just work related.

And I don't see the need for married people to be forming new friendships with the opposite sex either (friendships that predated the marriage are a different matter, but even then, the level of intimacy in those friendships should take a step back IMO when one person becomes involved in a relationship).

Sounds like u r paranoid.

And I don't see the need for married people to be forming new friendships with the opposite sex either (friendships that predated the marriage are a different matter, but even then, the level of intimacy in those friendships should take a step back IMO when one person becomes involved in a relationship).

Why? Im not being facetious but I genuinely don't understand why if you're in a trusting, secure relationship.

I'm bi-sexual so how would that rule apply to me? Am I not allowed any friends?

I work for myself but I'm a very tight knit industry. I often meet men in the same boat for coffee / walks / lunch with absolutely nothing else on my mind apart from business.

Hope that reassures you.

Makes me sad that's how you must view all your own female interaction though - as a potential leg over situation. Creep.

No, you have to live a friendless life in case you accidentally have sex with someone. No one is safe.

There's something quite hilarious about the bosom-hoiking about there being 'no need' for married people to have opposite sex friends. Come to that, is there a need to have any friends?

(My mother, born into a conservative rural background in the early 1940s, thinks that women don't need women friends after they get engaged, because the point of female friends is that you go to dances together to help one another bag a man, after which you have no need of them any more. She is almost certainly utterly horrifed that I still see a lot of my male and female friends, and that I go away with friends of both sexes, with and without DH.)

I was at a conference for 4 days and the venue happened to be not far from where a male colleague lived so we arranged to meet up for coffee before I left on the last day. We've known each other virtually for best part of a year, get along well and have a lot of work related crossover so it seemed obvious to want to meet in real life. It was great to chat in person and I can 100% guarantee there was zero sexually motive or attraction on either side. And yes I told my husband afterwards in the context of 'this is what I've been up to all week' - he was pleased we'd finally met and that was the end of the conversation.

Seriously I couldn't live with someone who trusted me so little - If you have no cause for suspicion or alarm this should be a complete none issue.

Assessing the attractiveness of people of the opposite sex is completely normal. It is a biological / innate necessity or else humanity would have ended long ago. Posters on here comment on the attractiveness or unattractiveness of men all the time.

No, you have to live a friendless life in case you accidentally have sex with someone. No one is safe.

I think that's probably for the best. I mean, I've never been unfaithful in my life but clearly I'm running a gauntlet every time I meet someone and talk about anything other than work.

There's something quite hilarious about the bosom-hoiking about there being 'no need' for married people to have opposite sex friends. Come to that, is there a need to have any friends?

Maybe we should all go back to lockdown and have all interactions via zoom. I mean that worked well didn't it??

Many people who have cheated seemed trust worthy to their spouses. People do cheat. It isn't that rare. It happens, even if you trust them. It seems this board usually screams he's cheating anytime contact with any other women is involved but suddenly in this thread, cheating is impossible.

I don't think anyone is saying cheating is impossible.
People are just pointing out that networking is normal and doesn't automatically mean someone is cheating.

You are ridiculous

That's absurd.

Things I've learned about customers this week

1/. One is going through a divorce and it's messy
2/. One is expecting a new baby
3/. One is about to propose to his girlfriend
4/. One is going to be booking a holiday this weekend
5/. One had her pants on inside out all day and didn't realise
6/. One had daahl for lunch and didn't enjoy it
7/. One was desperate to finish for the day and was going to have beer and stir-fry for tea
8/. One had a headache and it was bugging him
9/. One was going to get his hair cut after our phonecall
10/. One was going on a tinder date that night

Etc etc

With colleagues

1/. His partner has just booked to have a tummy tuck at the clinic I had my boob job after I recommended it to her. Never met her. Recommended via him, she called me and we chatted.

I have a "no work" call once a week with this guy for 45 minutes.

2/. Another male colleague isn't sure of he wants another baby yet or not, so he needs to talk to his partner about contraception

I do over night stays with this guy, and actively asked him to come to my next long distance meeting for moral support.

3/. 5 of the men on my team have vasectomies
Ok, I didn't need to know this and can't remember how it even started. I think I started it.

4/. The new bloke on our team is married, had two step daughters of 18 and 16, and has two bio children of his own and it's getting loud.

Etc. Etc etc.

It's called normal conversation.
They all know I've had issues with my eldest at school this week, what my husband does for a living and in-depth information about my argument with my mom.

It's called conversation.

OP I get where you're coming from, my ExH met a woman in work, similar to your situation, worked in different teams, no joint projects but attended meetings etc together, she was having an issue with colleagues in her team and ExH told me all about it, and her. Started talking about her all the time and what do you know, he started seeing her behind my back. They are together now, and in fairness have been for 5 years plus now, so it was obviously right for him and for her. Not so much me and our DCs. Of course I'm not suggesting this is what your DW is doing but I can understand why it makes you uncomfortable.

Presumably his wife interacts at work with men on a regular basis but there is something about this specifc scenario and specific dynamic and his wife's behaviour with this specific man that seems different and is making him feel a different way.

If he is anti his wife having any male friends or contacts - that is a major issue. If this specific friendship is making him uncomfortable, that is a different and valid feeling. Could be subtle signs in how she talks or how excited she is or how she dresses or a change in some way for example when interacting with this man vs other men at work that gives him a different feeling.

What you should have done, OP, is keep all the details of your question the same, but pretend to be a woman concerned that her husband was meeting a female colleague for a ‘networking’ lunch. MN is notorious for double standards, so it’s likely tou would have received very different replies.

Trust your gut OP if something feels off. Sadly even if these things start innocently they can in time escalate. And before anyone jumps in my ex from 5 years ago had a female colleague who he used to go for coffee with, all work related, he would mention she was married, fast forward 6 months and she'd left her husband and they were an item. Shit happens. I dont think either of them set out to have an affair, but i ignored my gut in that situation and regretted it.

This attitude that friends are less important when you’re in a relationship or married is so depressing. My friends are AS IMPORTANT as my relationship and I encourage my partner to nurture his friendships too, with men and women. I also like making new friends of both sexes (and my partner and I are both bisexual so according to this thread we should just lock ourselves away and never interact with anyone).

If someone’s going to cheat, being possessive won’t stop them. If you don’t trust your partner end the relationship.