Wife wants to meet another man

[Treeline5]

My wife told me she's going to meet a man for coffee.

It's a work thing. Not someone she works with, but someone who works for another company and they've chatted in cross company zoom/teams meetings etc..and then started emailing each other, all work related, and have now decided it would be nice to actually meet each other. Again, for work purposes. They don't work on anything together, not working on any projects together, just both have the same job type for different companies, so that is their common ground. "Bounce ideas off each other" is what she said.

She told me about her plans. I commented that I don't know why you have to meet him, feels like you've got a good working relationship with him, but now you want to take it to the next level to become friends.
I said it's great that you're networking and making new contacts in your industry, she told me loads of stuff about him, where he lives, family background, wife children etc..so has obviously got to know him well enough so far without actually meeting him, so why the need to take it any further?
I know this comes across as massively jealous. But who does this? Men don't do this for any other reason than you know what. Are women different?
I'm not suggesting my wife has any other motive here, but he probably has. I don't know who invited who.

My wife is very annoyed at me for saying what i thought.

Men don't do this for any other reason than you know what.

This is not true. Men meet all the time for networking within the same field. Be it pubs, golf courses etc. I bet if she was meeting another woman you would not have a problem.

I work in a male dominated field and have to work with numerous men every day both within my company and outside (vendors, other SME's etc). When you meet face to face it just enables the conversation to flow better and you develop a stronger WORKING relationship. I also find it enables the actual gender to be put to one side a bit further.

As women we have loads more hurdles to get through and if suddenly we cannot work on the same playing field as men then it makes progression that much harder. You do not understand the male privilege you hold.

Out of interest is she allowed to meet with other men for hobbies etc?

Why does my wife feel like she needs, or wants another male friend in her life?

I think this is appalling. You are seriously saying your wife shouldn’t have male friends?

@Treeline5 - Would we be having this conversation if it was a woman she was meeting?

if the answer is no - then all your points about not understanding why she needs to meet this person are redundant and your whole premise of the post is based on a lack of trust of your wife and her boundaries/your relationship.

I wouldn't be happy with this. Experience has taught me men and women can't be 'just friends'.

I think that, in general, men don't want to spend a lot of time with women unless there is the prospect of a shag at some point.

However, women can be a lot more naive. Your wife may be approaching this very innocently.

But why meet? I don't understand the need?

Presumably that's because you don't see the point of meeting or talking to a person of the opposite sex unless you want to have sex with them? If so, that's very much a you problem, I'm afraid. I doubt your wife feels that way - most women don't, imo. Neither do men who aren't either controlling or lliving in the dark ages.

And yet experience has taught me the complete opposite. I have good male friends who, if they're biding their time to shag me, have been biding it for decades.

Why does my wife feel like she needs, or wants another male friend in her life?

If she had met a female colleague under similar circumstances, then would you be worried?

I met a male friend for coffee this week. Met another colleague for a drink after work. I cultivate new friendships with men in the same way I make friends with women. I don't get the issue.

If my husband expressed his 'disappointment' in this, I'd be fucking livid.

If my DH had the same reaction as you I would find it very odd and controlling. I would find it upsetting and distressing. I want to manage my career in my own way, but I don't want to upset my husband. Why doesn't DH trust me? This is what would be going on in my head.

It feels irrational because I don't think your DW wants to cheat. Firstly, most people who want to cheat would lie and say they are in a group meeting or meeting someone of the same sex. Second, they would find a way to do it despite your preferences. So good luck trying to "stop" a partner who wants to cheat.

On the other side, networking and meeting people in person is completely normal. I mostly work with men, many live abroad or in different parts of the UK. I normally work remotely. But if they were in the country or area I would meet in person. If my DH said anything I would feel outraged and really sad: he doesn't trust me to make my own career decisions (if I think this meeting is important, it is) and he doesn't trust me to be faithful???

On the trust portion, and "maybe the person she is meeting has other ideas": this feels like an age old control tactic- I trust you, it's the man i dont trust. Or - what will other people think. There is always a man who wants to shag a woman. Married women can't spend their lives not leaving the house, not going to the gym, not talking to a man a work, not going for drinks with friends etc. because she might meet someone who wants to shag her. Do women need to hide away indoors??

Trust your wife to do the right thing even if the other person has other bad intentions. However, most likely that person does not, they are just networking. Otherwise, this could turn into a pattern of domination and control and your wife could grow to resent you.

This is from someone who has previously been with a lying serial cheat, and a (different) serial controller.

Men don't do this for any other reason than you know what. Are women different?

Maybe you and the men you know have sex on the mind when talking to women? Don't judge her by your own standards.

If you hadn't said that your wife knows where he lives and that he has children and a wife, i wouldn't be bothered, but why if it's simply work related, does she need to know such personal details?
If I was meeting up with a work colleague for work purposes only, personal details such as kids and wife would be completely irrelevant and not appropriate. So I'd be very cautious. There was no need for him to disclose such personal details if it's strictly a work related relationship...

Me neither.
Lots of cool replies on this thread. It’s no wonder the divorce rates are so high.

What a total arse hole you are...jeez lighten up and leave the woman alone you have serious issues. Mind they do say the accuser is the cheater 🤣 either way your so in the wrong I would never want to be with a man like you!!

I will just ask this @Treeline5 is this a bit of a reverse? Are you actually female/the wife, and it's your husband who is meeting a female work colleague.

So rude and unnecessary. Bet you don't speak to people like this in real life.

I feel the situation sounds a bit unusual, I would be suspicious too.

Is there a backstory of insecurity?

This is just the most ridiculous comment that always pops up on these threads...

Eg... 'If you are a married woman, and your husband was meeting a male friend, would that bother you?' Of course it wouldn't. Because a member of the same sex is not very likely to fancy your husband, and there is not going to be any romantic or sexual attraction. There is far more likely to be sexual or romantic attraction between members of the opposite sex. (If they're all heterosexual, obviously.)

This 'what if it was a member of the same sex' crap people spout on these threads is just the most stupid and ridiculous line. As a member of the opposite sex is far more likely to be attracted to your partner than one of the same sex! And workplaces affairs are very common.

@Treeline5 whether you are a husband whose wife is meeting a male colleague, or whether you're a wife whose husband is meeting a female colleague, you're not being unreasonable. It's perfectly natural to feel insecure and a bit worried and a bit jealous. The chances of something happening when your spouse is meeting someone of the opposite sex socially might be small in some cases, but it's a lot more likely to happen if they meet a member of the opposite sex than if they meet a member of the SAME sex.

Ignore the naysayers on here, and the 'cool wives.' (Yeah that's what I said, COOL WIVES. So shoot me!) Hilarious how these women act like their husband/partner would NEVER cheat. Oh nooooo, not their precious men. They trust them implicitly! 😆

Actually I do trust my OH implicitly cos Wierdly he doesn't have a habit of falling into vaginas when he's at work, or even out of it.

And Wierdly I know most of my colleagues relationship status, partners name, what kids they have etc. Even just people I've met and talked to a while, it's a natural conversation. I'm not waiting to fall on anyone's penis either.

It's a sad state of affairs when you can't be trusted to meet someone of the opposite gender for coffee, especially when you are open and honest.

Lots of cool replies on this thread. It’s no wonder the divorce rates are so high.
It's "cool" to not veto perfectly platonic networking coffees based on the sex of the company?

I read the "I'd never tolerate my husband/wife going for a coffee with someone if the opposite sex because I should be the only person of the opposite sex in their life, why would they ever want to meet ot get to know someone other than me" as by far more likely to contribute to divorce rates. It must be stuffing to be told that you're not to make friends with 50% of the population to appease an insecure partner.

Actually I do trust my OH implicitly cos Wierdly he doesn't have a habit of falling into vaginas when he's at work, or even out of it.
Exactly this, and also if my DH wanted to have an affair he would do it anyway. I'm not a cool wife. I just don't believe that restricting interactions with 50% of humanity will make my marriage stronger.

People are fairly stupid if they think they think they're affair-proof by banning their spouse/partner from openly having platonic coffees.

He’s not banning her. He’s just not happy about it and wonders why she feels the need. He’s perfectly entitled to feel that way, especially as lots of people do have affairs.

Kinda agree with this. There are two things with this that raise my suspicion. First, if he’s a work colleague that she’s never met in person why so much detail. How come she knows so much about his personal life?
Leading to the second point, is she giving you this info about him being married with kids to, as someone else put it, ‘hide in plain sight’ and to assuage any potential raising of eyebrows coz ‘he’s married with kids therefore he doesn’t pose a threat’. Why does that knowledge need to be aired if it’s just a work meeting?

Men have been doing networking in exactly this ways for ever. This is how the old boys club has always worked - people in the same industry connect socially, and this helps jobs and careers.

@Treeline5 if your whole self esteem and confidence in your marriage is based on trying to make sure your W is never near other men - you will never be happy.
Grow up.

@Treeline5

why do they have to meet? Cos they want to. Cos they get on, obviously have stuff have in common work wise, like talking to each other

why do you meet up with your friends? Same reasons will apply to her and this guy

I don't think you're being unreasonable. If my husband was uncomfortable with me meeting a man for coffee, I wouldn't go as his feelings are more important than a random person.