Wife wants to meet another man

[Treeline5]

My wife told me she's going to meet a man for coffee.

It's a work thing. Not someone she works with, but someone who works for another company and they've chatted in cross company zoom/teams meetings etc..and then started emailing each other, all work related, and have now decided it would be nice to actually meet each other. Again, for work purposes. They don't work on anything together, not working on any projects together, just both have the same job type for different companies, so that is their common ground. "Bounce ideas off each other" is what she said.

She told me about her plans. I commented that I don't know why you have to meet him, feels like you've got a good working relationship with him, but now you want to take it to the next level to become friends.
I said it's great that you're networking and making new contacts in your industry, she told me loads of stuff about him, where he lives, family background, wife children etc..so has obviously got to know him well enough so far without actually meeting him, so why the need to take it any further?
I know this comes across as massively jealous. But who does this? Men don't do this for any other reason than you know what. Are women different?
I'm not suggesting my wife has any other motive here, but he probably has. I don't know who invited who.

My wife is very annoyed at me for saying what i thought.

What a load of tosh. I meet people all the time breakfast, coffee lunch afternoon tea. Several times a week its how modern business is done. You can only learn so much on zoom. It you want to collaborate and build your network this is how it's done.

I think you have it the wrong way round

yes that’s what happens when it’s a husband with a female friend or colleague, but those are the threads that are wrong (all men must be cheating)

this one is broadly sensible

Sorry just re read and your last paragraph is clear. I think we agree

This. Women on here are always told to trust their instinct, trust their intuition
And yet when men have an instinct or an intuition and express it posters fall over themselves to label him abusive and controlling. 🤷‍♀️

There's a big difference between a relationship/friendship that is justifiably setting off an internal niggle and being the sort of person (male or female) whose red flag button is activated at the mere thought of your other half having a coffee with someone of the opposite sex.

The type of people (male and female) who think the way to affair-proof their relationships is to veto most contact with the opposite sex are at best misguided, and at worst they are paranoid and controlling.

Any partner who wanted to tell me I couldn't go for coffee with a work colleague would be giving ME the red flags that they're likely to be insecure, needy, and eternally seeking validation and reassurance.

You can only learn so much on zoom

Exactly, it's really difficult to build relationships on zoom. It's why I still travel around the world meeting people in person because online just isn't the same.

She’s networking. It’s extremely important. I am having coffees with colleagues from other companies all the time on the weekend and sometimes I even arrange family dinners together. It is how certain industries re enforced connections and you gain valuable insight when you need it if you were to move jobs / compare bonuses/ getting the promotions .. you are being very unreasonable and to be honest if my partner would’ve even suggested he’s uncomfortable with this I wouldn’t have dated him in the very beginning. Has she ever done anything in the past that has even caused you to have concerns? Where is this all even coming from?

And then you get fired for obeying a reasonable work request. Seriously in my industry working lunches working breakfasts are par for the course.

Disobeying obvs.

Erm I wouldn't be impressed with the pure level of contact and the sheer amount of personal information being told to my husband by a work person. I especially wouldnt be impressed if he then got angry when I voiced it

we get a feeling when something feels off. It can come out in a possessive sounding way, especially if it's unfamiliar.

I meet with my male boss almost every day and sometimes that entails coffee, lunch or drinks. We also travel internationally together.

As a result we know each other very well and this includes personal stuff. It's why we work so well together and why were so effective.

There's nothing wrong with this approach.

networking my ass.!! If she starts making a extra effort on her appearance. Make up / perfume She is having a affair

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. My DH would absolutely not stand for me meeting another man for lunch even behind the pretence of work. If it’s work related then she needs to keep it work related over zoom calls or speaking in the office at the very most. Even if you trust your wife this man probably has bad intentions.

That diffferent to what's being proposed here though isn't it?

I honestly don't know how some people function in the real world.
It's networking ffs.
It's normal behaviour!!

No wonder women are still massively underrepresented in certain jobs and at certain levels if just going for coffee means we're having an affair.

Even if you trust your wife this man probably has bad intentions.

Sorry but this is bollocks. Nobody knows of this is true. Even if it was, she doesn't have to act on it and can shut it down.

No I don't think so, meeting for coffee during the work day is work.

Your user name speaks volumes

There are many posts on here from women whose husband's have met a new female friend whilst at a running club or whatever.

The overwhelming response is generally that pre existing female friends are ok but new ones are something to be wary of.

Tbh, I kind of agree with this. A new friend who is introduced to the partner who becomes a friend of the couple or at least known to to the partner is different to an 'unnecessary' meet up with a new friend.

If they actually worked together it might be different (although plenty of affairs start at work) but they don't.

If it were a requirement of their job it would be different. But it isn't.

I really want to say no its fine. After all, I've never cheated with a male friend. But in all honesty, I wouldn't be happy with this particular scenario.

They don't work together though.

The OP's wife wouldn't get fired for not meeting up with a man she's in a similar industry to but doesn't work with.

Op, your feelings are valid.

Your wife is also valid in wanting to meet up with this man to network.

Yes, this is how some affairs start. People get to know each other at work, the chat goes beyond work, they start to build an emotional connection, they then start to flirt and slowly it turns into more. I think sometimes it even catches the people involved off guard as their intentions were never to cheat and they may have met up with many other men to network without this happening.

You have voiced your feelings which is also fair and part of good communication in a marriage. She can also feel disappointed with your feelings if that is the way they come across to her. People view situations differently. You aren't and can't tell her what she can and can't do. She has to decide how much your feeligns on this do or don't matter to her and ultimately she will do as she sees fit. It could end up being completley platonic, it could turn into more. You have no way to know at this point (and likely at this point she isn't meeting up to cheat - she just knows they have a good connection and she wants to build that in person). I think this is a watch and wait. It could be nothing and it is really insecurity on your side or it could be good intuition that this is different from other networking she has done and there is something there.

But, again, this isn't the same as the scenario the OP has described.

I'm not saying you're wrong. I agree with you in the scenario you describe but it's different.

God I regularly meet men for coffee including friends, work colleagues and sometimes contractors that I've been emailing but haven't met until in the coffee shop

I tell my husband and he sometimes requests a tray bake, if it's a coffee shop he likes

Just because you only see women as sex objects and would only meet up with one for “you know what” or to “see how attractive they are” doesn’t mean all men are on that extremely low level. Your poor wife.

One, if not both, will be thinking..."just want to see how attractive they are"

If I was your wife I'd be looking for someone else. You're sexist, misogynist, caveman views would have me running .

*your