Wife wants to meet another man

[Treeline5]

My wife told me she's going to meet a man for coffee.

It's a work thing. Not someone she works with, but someone who works for another company and they've chatted in cross company zoom/teams meetings etc..and then started emailing each other, all work related, and have now decided it would be nice to actually meet each other. Again, for work purposes. They don't work on anything together, not working on any projects together, just both have the same job type for different companies, so that is their common ground. "Bounce ideas off each other" is what she said.

She told me about her plans. I commented that I don't know why you have to meet him, feels like you've got a good working relationship with him, but now you want to take it to the next level to become friends.
I said it's great that you're networking and making new contacts in your industry, she told me loads of stuff about him, where he lives, family background, wife children etc..so has obviously got to know him well enough so far without actually meeting him, so why the need to take it any further?
I know this comes across as massively jealous. But who does this? Men don't do this for any other reason than you know what. Are women different?
I'm not suggesting my wife has any other motive here, but he probably has. I don't know who invited who.

My wife is very annoyed at me for saying what i thought.

Men have been doing networking in exactly this ways for ever. This is how the old boys club has always worked - people in the same industry connect socially, and this helps jobs and careers
Exactly this.
And women are the ones disadvantaged if they're end up missing out on networking opportunities because other women think their spouse is fine to have network chats man to man, but if a woman is involved it's not ok. Nice way to keep the patriarchy going.

Wow, your thinking is seriously messed up.

Maybe you can't meet someone of the opposite sex without it being sexual. Most people can.

If you were my partner I would split up with you for being so controlling.

Oh for crying out loud. Would you bat an eyelid if this work contact was female and your wife was going to meet her for a coffee? No.

I hate to break it to you, but you are being completely and totally unfair. Just because this person is male instead of female does not mean that there is anything going on that shouldn't be. It is perfectly possible for male and female work colleagues to socialise with one another without there being an ulterior motive.

And your assertion that men would only want to meet a female colleague like this for one reason? Well that says more about you than you realise.

‘Cool wives’ is both an expression born out of internalised misogyny, and a weird policing of other women’s behaviour. It also has sod all to do with whether I trust DH to remain faithful. No marriage is proof against infidelity unless you’re both locked in a bunker 24/7. But I’m equally certain that forbidding DH to see any other women besides me socially would impoverish his life and have a negative effect on our joint happiness, just as my life would be impoverished by not having good, uncomplicated friendships with men as well as women.

It must be depressing and frightening to live in this state of continual paranoia, and to view the other sex solely in terms of their sex organs.

As a female, I would and do - meet male colleagues in my field even if not working "with" them. I also meet females. I do this to bounce ideas off them, chat and moan about work. I don't meet them for affairs. I also work in a male dominated field so tends to be more men. And I'm single, not unattractive and mid 30s, but I am yet to discover they're meeting me for sexual intentions. OP, relax

Op, I understand your concerns.

Unfortunately you can't stop anything from happening. My advice would be to as if you don't care, but be very very aware of what is going on.

And this is another reason why women’s careers are more difficult.. Networking as a woman or with a woman is always viewed suspiciously..

There are a lot of concerning replies on this.

Why wouldnt you know someone's marital status and family situation after talking for a while?

In my job, I spend a lot of time in one on one situations with members of the opposite sex. Even take them out for dinner. Some of them, I really enjoy the company of and we spend time talking about things other than. Work and even at weekends and evenings.

It's called being social.

I'm not a cool wife I'm a paranoid jealous wife. But I know that's because of me and my brain, so I bite my tongue and let him get on with meeting other women when he says he's going to.

If he cheats, or wants to cheat, my stressing and saying anything won't change that. I like to think he won't, but he might. That's life.

He probably feels the same when I'm hundreds of miles away in a hotel alone over night and taking men for dinner....it's part of my job but really what's the difference?

You need to sort your self out OP. How you feel is one thing, if you voice that and act on it...that's something else entirely.

Wow. Just…. Wow.

and saying men only do this for “you know what” is a reflection only on you, not on all men

But who does this? Men don't do this for any other reason than you know what.

Ah. So this is the only reason you yourself would arrange to meet a female colleague. Does that mean you are incapable of treating female work colleagues in the same way you would treat male colleagues?

That says a lot about you, that does.

They may be friends.

Its fine to make new friends as an adult.

I did my teacher training with a very good looking man of the same age.
We became friends and often meet up because we have so much in common.
We do not fancy each other at all and he’s never acted inappropriately towards me.

These are your own insecurities that you need to work on.
It’s very unfair that you are projecting these onto your wife (or husband if this is a reverse).

@Treeline5 my experience of people with your attitude is you are projecting your thoughts and motivations on to your wife. If anyone is likely to have designs on the person they're meeting it would be you, which is why you cannot comprehend that your wife does not.

Contacts and networking are important. There's quite literally no ulterior motive. I network with both men and women gasp without a chaperone! Even, dare I say it, one on one😳

6 weeks of brief office conversations will garner the info from your OP. I know because I've been in a new job that long and have those stats on many colleagues - most of which aren't regular (daily) contact. That's what you do to create relationships in the work place.

They don't actually work together. No need to know each other. But now they do, they want to build on it and become friends under the pretense of work.

And why is this a problem?
It's normal.

My DH took a woman out for lunch yesterday. She has just started at another organisation doing the same job he does so the met for lunch.
It's called networking and building relationships.

but it's a lot more likely to happen if they meet a member of the opposite sex than if they meet a member of the SAME sex.
I'm bi-sexual. Does that mean I can't network with men or women?

Monitoring? Christ on a bike - she's not in prison!

I have never understood this BS. As human beings on this earth for a very short time we have the right to build friendships with whom ever we choose.
It angers me so much. OP, you question why she needs to met this man, the answer is simple. She wants to met him.

I'm always building up my contacts in other companies I work with as you never know when you might want to pick their brains, or see a job there i like the look of etc but taking it up a notch and meeting for coffee? No, that's unnecessary.

I think you're right to be a bit suspicious.

Yeah I can kind of see it from both sides. I kind of see your point too. If he was an actual work colleague and they worked together i could understand why they would want to meet as friends and discuss work stuff. I do not understand why 2 strangers on the internet need to meet in person. They can fire their ideas at each other online unless they feel that they would inevitably meet through work related purposes in real life in the future anyway.

Fair enough if you trust your wife and feel there is nothing to worry about but as a pp has said, there is a fine line between having a working relationship and meeting someone in person from online! Many people who post about affairs on this site, their partner seems to have met them through work.
Obviously I wouldn’t try to stop her going and I certainly wouldn’t act jealous at this point but just sit back and wait to see how this ‘friendship’ develops.
If she starts coming home from work ‘late’ or has to keep meeting this ‘friend’ for work related stuff all the time or stops leaving her phone around where you can get hold of it, maybe then is the time to be more suspicious but for now I’d just try not to think about it too much. They might meet once and then things might taper off and they might never see each other again.

Almost all my work friends are male. I have more in common. DH has - and never has dad - issues with me meeting up, going out for dinks etc, even one-on-one. She's allowed to meet up with other males. You don't own her. If you trust her I don't see the issue.

This fairly basic personal information is what happens when people talk and get to know each other. It is not exactly bedroom preferences! I know all these details, and more, including significant birthdays, holidays, and hobbies about many of my colleagues. And I have no intention of shagging any of them!

Your mind set is that they are meeting for sexual curiosity. This may come as a huge shock but not all people think like you, not all people just think about the opposite sex in the way that you do.

I have male friends. I know that some of them would shag me given the chance because they've told me 🤷🏻‍♀️ I also know that some of them wouldn't but it crossed their mind and that's how they knew they wouldn't. I think it's a fleeting thought in most men's minds because its a fleeting thought in most men's minds when they see a woman walking down the street so to think they haven't considered a woman they like, get on with and spend time with is ridiculous and naive.

However, you either trust your partner not to act on it or you don't. And you should still be mindful that one day they might. Because people do.

When I'd been seeing my boyfriend for 3 months, I was supposed to have a night out with a female friend. I didn't know beforehand that she'd already invited a male friend of hers too. Anyway, on the day, she tested positive for covid so didn't come. He and I went alone because we'd both bought tickets. I'd never met him before. I spoke to my boyfriend about it and said I'd like to go to the event but I wouldn't if it made him uncomfortable at all. He told me to go. So I did.

We spoke about it several months afterwards and he was surprised to find that I wouldn't have responded in the same way.

People are allowed to have different boundaries.

This. Women on here are always told to trust their instinct, trust their intuition.

Lots of cool replies on this thread. It’s no wonder the divorce rates are so high.

That makes no sense. Do you think that not being 'cool' about it prevents divorce or prevents your spouse from being unfaithful? Of course it doesn't. On the contrary - a lot of the people who worry most about their partner having friends of the opposite sex are probably worried because they don't trust their partner, which means they are probably more likely to end up divorced than the so-called cool ones.

It's coffee... seriously.
This can be really important in some sectors.
Men have been doing this sort of thing for years!