Fast advice needed please - partner and escorts

[Aprilbreakup]

DP went away and left his email signed in. I noticed messages from women.
Looks like hes on dating websites and escort websites. I have found messages of him requesting meet ups with escorts. Secret phone numbers.

Obviously this is the end of us. I have got screenshots and emailed them to myself so he cant deny it.

He'll be back in less than 1 hour. Do I need to play it cool and gather more evidence or can I say it out when hes back?

I agree that you must not hide to protect him. Don’t carry the burden of his shameful behaviour. Tell your family, your friends, your neighbours, YOUR GP, the neighbour good gossip, the local ducks on the pond. Hold your head high and let him carry it all.

Secondly, he has played hard and fast with your health. Get a full STD checkup. That bastard took your marriage and your life for granted by doing this.

Obviously send evidence to his family before they can start to believe his lies, but don’t expect that they will be your allies. They won’t.

Get all of the legal documentation out of the house before you tell him. Get copies of every bank statement, credit card statement, loan repayment, insurance, etc. Find out whose name is on which bill and check that they are all up to date. Set up an account in your name only and transfer half of your joint savings into that and ensure that any future pay goes nowhere near any joint accounts.

Go to lawyer. Asap. If you don’t like them, go to another.

The laughable naivete of these posters who think that men whose values lead them to internet "date" and use prostitutes ("but I never actually met one! I was just curious, I get off on messaging them!" ....... Yeeeaaah, right; will somehow stop doing that when the danger of being divorced has past.

Once a punter, always a punter.

And that type of cheating too - trawling online dating - it's not even falling for an affair partner through everyday, natural contact .... It's searching and being proactive without any emotional/established involvement. That's not the type that's one off.

Totally agree, get ahead of him and stay in control

Sort of tempted to start a business.

Discreetly place ANPR cameras outside local brothels. Builds database of when these idiots come and go. People can enter registration numbers for £10. They get an automatic text when the car parks up, and another when it leaves.

Donate all profit to women’s aid.

OP I’ve been where you are, you have my sympathies. I stayed for years but it was broken and I eventually left.
A word of warning from me, this can be a source of great shame, your husband may behave in ways you don’t expect if he thinks you will share this information with others. Protect yourself, make sure a close family member is aware of what has happened and can potentially be in the house when you make it known to your husband that you have discovered what he’s been doing and you want him to leave.

Lots of talk here about divorce but from what I can see they aren't married

Whatever you do OP don’t do this.

You have kids. He can make your life very difficult. It’s not about revenge or having him cornered as tempting as if us.

It’s about you not wanting to be with someone like that. The proof is so strong, and conclusive, there is nothing to discuss. There is no why. He just is. Filth and perversion.

Preserve class and respectability as that way rage, seething, anger, it’s all on him, as it should be.

Now I know this is unacceptable and a dealbreaker but once dealt with you have to be in touch with him for at least about 10 yrs for the sake of yr boys. So make it as civil as you can bear to make it.

The UK punting links are interesting

It’s like they all have a hobby

and that hobby is putting their dick in different pussies , it’s not about the women at all
its just putting it in a hole that they like 👍

I actually feel sorry for them in a weird way

what a frustrating hobby to have !
expensive
time consuming
risky
and probably stressful

im so glad I dont have a penis

Did you even read the OP directly above your post, she's done that 🙄

I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP. I had a cheated ex H, had the same visceral reaction as you to it all, and I got rid as soon as he went away to work for the week - literally all his crap in bin bags shoved in his car ( he works on boats).

it was fucking hard - we share a DS - and there were times I considered taking him back. To my shame, I once begged him to come back so we could be a “family” again. But I got over that and am so pleased looking back that he declined to come back. Best thing that ever happened in hindsight but it was a horrible few months.

Now he’s his new wife’s problem not mine. We have a civil relationship for DS, luckily I was clear on the STD check front.

You WILL get through this. Tell your family and friends straight away so they can support you and DC. Get a solicitors advice first thing Monday ( luckily we rented and it was all in my name as I’d been here years before we met ) to get support for the housing issue and access to the kids. Do a benefits calculation to see what you’d be entitled to and work out maintenance.

It seems like so much to deal with all at once I know - it’s horrible. But you’ve got this - you have strength, self respect and boundaries. You also have a strong love for DC and want to protect them. All this will help you in the coming weeks / months. But truly, it’s better to go through all this shit to get to the other side Happy, healthy and no more untrustworthy dickhead partner!! The marriage was over as soon as he went on the dating sites and the final mail in the coffin was prostitutes. Don’t feel embarrassed on his behalf - HE fucked up, not you, and it’s good you have a ton of proof for when he starts spinning a sob story to you or others. Fuck him the prick. Sending you unmumsnetty hugs ❤️

Just on a practical note, it's obvious from UK punting that they park all over, wherever there's parking (not always available on street near flats being used by sex workers) .. one of the things they mention in reviews is where to find parking, which could be a number of places nearby) and where to get cheap food afterward.

Ah okay. My experience of brothels is limited. We have one near us and a lot of the guys just park right outside.

Will continue to think on this.

Oh op sending you strength to get through this awful thing
You will do it, you're stronger than you think and the children will help you get through it ❤️

Always s easy to spot the men on the thread isn't it? JHC get some standards Blitz

@BlitzExcel has a good point in not just dismissing your whole marriage

But why would op not dismiss their whole marriage when her husband has done that??

That's what someone does when they decide their marriage is irrelevant when it comes to seeking and having sex with other women on dating sites, and with sex workers...... They decided their marriage was irrelevant.

So why should it be relevant and have value for op.

Her h placed their marriage on the house of cards that exists when it is only likely to survive if his wife continues to not find out about his repeated infidelities and sex worker use.

(He will claim until the cows come home that they were only attempted infidelities, and that he never followed through on using sex workers ..... What the reality is however ...... Is likely to be a different story).

He decided to put their marriage in that precarious position, and a position based on deception/his wife's ignorance - in a position where it may well not survive if he was ever caught out.

Where is his value on his marriage in that? He chose to risk it over and over.

(And he is very likely to return to risking it after a while if he's forgiven).

So, why is op supposed to value the marriage and not "dismiss" it.

I'm sure ops h would be not "dismissing" his while marriage and making it work and attending couples counselling where he'd get (unfairly) indirectly blamed for her behaviour, and going for his std checks, and working in forgiveness - if he found out she'd been messaging other men on dating sites (at the very least) and making appointments with male escorts ... ..not.

He can't even be faithful when she is. So what would he be doing if she was caught out doing this?

Like most men, he'd be gone and she'd have been called a few choice words for females who cheat or who are perceived as promiscuous.
Her fitness for parenting would also be likely to questioned robustly. You see men are apparently still good fathers when they fuck around on their spouse, but women are mental, unfit slappers.

At the very least, he'd just use it to you his activities with other women, if he even stayed, which his doubtful.

*At the very least, he'd just use it to up his activities with other women, if he even stayed, which his doubtful.

It’s ok to do it at a time when you feel emotionally ready.
I too wouldn’t have done it last night either.

But this is weighing on you and it is going to make you ill if you keep it in for too long.

Try and find the most convenient time for you.

Do you have any one to watch your DC?
It would be nice if you can have the house to yourselves so you can talk to him properly without worrying about them.

It’ll also give you time to process it before work on Monday.

To answer a few qs here
We use separate bank accounts and I dont have access to his, but he received extra cash that week at the end of March so I assume he paid cash.

I dont expect his family to be on my side but do think his brother would try to stop him from being violent and leave.

We're not married but its the house I need to figure out. Joint mortgage, both names on the deeds. I can pay the full mortgage but cant pay his share out.

but do think his brother would try to stop him from being violent and leave.

The fact that you instinctively think he might be violent when caught out/confronted about his - at the very very least - messaging other women on dating sites and messaging prostitutes .... Shows there's more than "just" this to his character issues.

Joint mortgage, both names on the deeds. I can pay the full mortgage but cant pay his share out.

I'd contact the mortgage provider as a first step.

They're bound to encounter this situation relatively regularly.

Then a solicitor, maybe cab etc

He has never touched me but will throw/kick things when in a rage.

But you're right, I wasn't happy anyway.