Fast advice needed please - partner and escorts

[Aprilbreakup]

DP went away and left his email signed in. I noticed messages from women.
Looks like hes on dating websites and escort websites. I have found messages of him requesting meet ups with escorts. Secret phone numbers.

Obviously this is the end of us. I have got screenshots and emailed them to myself so he cant deny it.

He'll be back in less than 1 hour. Do I need to play it cool and gather more evidence or can I say it out when hes back?

Send the screen shots to his family before he spins a tale about you being at fault.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/how-to-separate1/getting-a-divorce-or-dissolution/

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/how-to-separate1/

But this apart what’s the rest of the goss? Is he an ok dad provider etc? Husband/ drinker. @BlitzExcel has a good point in not just dismissing your whole marriage. Even in divorce you may want him to continue to have a good relationship with the boys. Remember all this is about him and not about you.

A good dad doesn’t cheat on the mother of his children and threaten her physical and mental health.

A good provider doesn’t spend family money on prostitutes.

I think the bag is a good option. But as you’ve already been told, he could just come in the house and you couldn’t stop him and you think he won’t take this well. The only thing you could do is call the police if his behaviour becomes intimidating. Do you have anyone, who could come to you, preferably a trusted male whilst you do this? You have young children to consider.

Wtf is that misogynistic crap? Are you a man that uses escorts? And this is hitting too close to home? And 'what's the goss'?, Seriously? Get in the sea with that carry on.
He can be a good father and provide for his children even once his marriage ends. Divorce doesn't preclude that. It just shows she's capable of determining boundaries and modelling strong relationships for her kids.

@Aprilbreakup stay strong. You are worth so much more than a trashy partner and these champion twatwaffles that are projecting their own inadequacies onto you.

They might think that its impossible to save the marriage, in the heat of the moment/when emotions are high. But many a times, it's more likely to be saved than what most people think. The key deciding factor is how OP's husband responds when being confronted.

I'm not suggesting that the OP is taking it lightly. I'm simply saying that divorce is a option (akin to a nuke) that has massive consequences and should be thought through clearly and rationally before proceeding. Not decided in the heat of the moment.

I would be sure the children aren’t home when the confrontation happens.

You can’t lock him out of the house so you need to decide if you want to be at home and tell him it’s over in person or if you want to pick him a bag with a text and screenshots and hope he leaves the house while you aren’t there. If you are going to be at the house, I agree you should have someone with you.

I would also refuse to engage in any discussion. Just keep restating you have made your decision and it’s over. No need to get into it. He can give you his excuses and I would just respond with the same sentence. I have made my decision and it’s over and all I am prepared to discuss is how best to minimize harm for the boys.

In your shoes I think I'd go for coup d'état. So I'd get a lawyer that I liked instructed. House valued. Papers together. Really get a good bit ahead of him.

Decide what you want and what you'll accept.

Id also get counseling asap. Pay for it or you'll never get it.

Then I'd let his brother know, with emailed evidence, at the same time as packing up all his stuff and locking him out. I'd leave all his stuff on the door step, plus enough of the proof. And the divorce papers.

Id remove the discussion element, he's lost all rights to cause any more damage. He can go to fuck.

‘Goss’ the OPs whole life has just imploded.

And a good father does NOT put the mother of his children at such extreme risk emotionally, mentally, sexually and physically. Let alone the financial implications of spending family money on escorts.

I’m reconciled myself after an affair but a husband who has wilfully chosen to use escorts and hookup sites is a completely different kettle of fish, for me his sexually exploitative and misogynistic core would be too much for me.

@Aprilbreakup my heart breaks for you today and your boys. The road ahead will be hard but your future self will thank you and be proud of everything g you’ll achieve in the next few years.

In the interests of acting quickly, I’d take half of any shared money and put it somewhere safe, then inform the brother, then pack and leave the bag out and then on Monday, start the legal processes.

For some people infidelity is a dealbreaker. They already know there is nothing to sane. The trust is gone, the disrespect and betrayal is high and they have zero interest in considering staying. For them the marriage is over from the moment of discovering the infidelity.

Other people don’t see infidelity as a deal breaker and see it as you do, it is something that can be worked through and reconciliation can happen and they are open to moving forward in the marriage depending on how remorseful the partner who cheated is.

Right now, OP wants out. She doesn’t want to live with a man who is sleeping with escorts. Divorces don’t happen overnight. If in a few months, she decides actually infidelity isn’t a dealbreaker for me and I want to consider reconciliation, then she can but she needs to do what feels right and safe for her right now.

I’m baffled by those saying the marriage can be salvaged and OP needs to think carefully before wants to separate etc. Is she now being blamed for the possible damage she may cause to the children if she doesn’t choose to just accept her husband’s actions?

I mean, what the hell?!

Her shitty husband is the one to blame for this and when/if the marriage breaks down it will ALL be his fault.

I honestly don’t see how any relationship can survive this. This isn’t a one off affair, this is a husband trawling internet sites so he can pay to sleep with escorts. It’s disgusting.

I don’t see how that could ever be forgiven.

Hi op

So sorry you're going through this.

It's not legal to change locks etc but in most cases there's no comeback when this does happen.

My advice is to tell people. I didn't tell people that my husband left for someone else, because, like you, I felt shameful.

After that, when do you tell people? It's hard to pick a moment.

I'm glad you've got proof and feel so clearly you want him gone.

Agree there is nothing to save and no discussions to be had. He will just lie and bluff.

Get all your financial shit together ASAP, move half of all things to an account he can't touch.

Fucking men, honestly.

Take care.

You know what's right for you OP. I'd probably suggest taking a day to think through how you want things to be going forward, get some quick legal advice if you can, and then act.

Sending you strength today
I agree with PP who said to look after your
mental health
how’s the time to throw everything at it
therapy , GP especially if son has SEN

its so easy it’s say this but striking when the iron is cold is always better in terms of you and how you handle this
easy to say
let me know if you need any recommendations for a good family lawyer or
divorce coach

he also needs to focus on the kids
to put them first when he realise what he’s lost

"Standard" infidelity is one thing, but men who use sex workers are sociopathic. In that scenario the infidelity itself comes way down the list of fucked upness IMO.

I'm really sorry to read what you're going through. Sending you some care and you seem like a strong person. I too couldn't forgive that.

Oh dear, are you a religious fundamentalist or something?

The op already decided. Can you not read either?

''@BlitzExcel

They might think that its impossible to save the marriage, in the heat of the moment/when emotions are high. But many a times, it's more likely to be saved than what most people think. The key deciding factor is how OP's husband responds when being confronted''

You seriously need to raise your standards...No one with basic of self-worth wants to stay in a relationship with a cheating low-life who uses prostitutes.

Back to you OP:

• I would take a day off work (if you work) and when your husband goes out to work I would have someone come in to change the locks, pack his bags and leave them outside with a copy of one of the emails on top of it and a note saying that you are filing for divorce and that he should find alternate accommodation and that your solicitor will be in touch
• maybe get a friend to stay with you while you are doing that in case he kicks up a fuss
• get yourself an urgent STIs check
• inform close family members as to why you are doing this so he does not have a chance to spin it against you.

There is no need for further discussions with someone like that as far as I am concerned.

Save yourself the need to hear his fake excuses and he might even try to blame you for what he did...so no reason to give him any more chances to upset you.

What is an escort? Do you mean prostitutes?

@BlitzExcel · Yesterday 21:15

That's for OP to decide. My point is - divorce should be a last resort and explored only after attempts to save the marriage prove futile. It's not as straightforward as it seems and has an immense impact on children. One shouldn't take this lightly at all.

What a lot of nonsense.

if this guy cared one bit about his marriage and children he would not be having sex with prostitutes and risking the relationship.

Don't bother the OP who has enough on her hands already with this type of ludicrous advice.

I am so sorry for you. Just be prepared for the fact that he will tell you that he never met the escorts. He will use the excuse that he “gets off” on texting them to arrange a meeting, and that he backed out.

Do you have a joint bank account? Can you check your statement for that week?

I found out my ex husband had been meeting people from swinging websites and getting up to all sorts. I didn't want to confront him as I knew I didn't want to listen to whatever excuses he had. The evidence was clear.

The next night when he left for nightshift I printed out some of the screenshots of his profile, messages he'd been sending people etc. I packed all his stuff into bin bags and left them in the hallway. I the decorated the hallway with the print outs. Left him a note to take his stuff and leave and that I would be in touch in due course. I stayed at my parents that night. I never saw him again. The whole splitting of assets and divorce was done via lawyers. We didn't have kids though.

Sorry for all you are going through OP

Your husband’s behaviour is appalling and inexcusable.

Have you found any financial evidence of paying for escorts? I know nothing about this and assume they will be disguised in some way.

I wish you all the best in dealing with this. You have mentioned his brother. You clearly know him well, but are you reasonably certain that he will provide support to you rather than your husband?