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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fast advice needed please - partner and escorts

177 replies

Aprilbreakup · 21/04/2023 20:44

DP went away and left his email signed in. I noticed messages from women.
Looks like hes on dating websites and escort websites. I have found messages of him requesting meet ups with escorts. Secret phone numbers.

Obviously this is the end of us. I have got screenshots and emailed them to myself so he cant deny it.

He'll be back in less than 1 hour. Do I need to play it cool and gather more evidence or can I say it out when hes back?

OP posts:
Original poster
Aprilbreakup · 21/04/2023 21:26

BrimFullOfAsher · 21/04/2023 21:20

Messages from other women as in from personal email addresses? Or as in them being from an escort websites email address?

On the escort website I can see the message exhange, so he messaged a load asking if they were free that day. The two that responded he asked for price then gave them his number to arrange through whatsapp.

On one dating website, he has his photo and says 'attached but looking for fun' and he reached out to a couple of local women on that directly

OP posts:
MissLucyLiu · 21/04/2023 21:27

This is horrible! ewww! I’ve never ever understood why men would do this!! I am all for women power and if a woman is getting paid to do it whatever. But for the guy?! Ewww how disgusting to pay for someone to want to spend time with you!!!

send these screenshots to his family ! Absolutely disgrace! Don’t let him in. Just message him best you stay away until we are both calmer and the kids are asleep. Get a hotel. Bai.

Original poster
Aprilbreakup · 21/04/2023 21:28

ZekeZeke · 21/04/2023 21:25

I'm sorry you are going through this.
Please get yourself a health check/STD test.

I will 😣

OP posts:
MissLucyLiu · 21/04/2023 21:28

Aprilbreakup · 21/04/2023 21:26

On the escort website I can see the message exhange, so he messaged a load asking if they were free that day. The two that responded he asked for price then gave them his number to arrange through whatsapp.

On one dating website, he has his photo and says 'attached but looking for fun' and he reached out to a couple of local women on that directly

Show quote history

You don’t need any more evidence from that. It doesn’t matter if he ended up fk in them or not. It is done sealed and binned!!

even the fact he’s trying to meet up is enough !

MissLucyLiu · 21/04/2023 21:29

Aprilbreakup · 21/04/2023 21:28

I will 😣

Show quote history

Do you work , will be be able to pay for child support etc.

Original poster
Aprilbreakup · 21/04/2023 21:31

Yes I work so can support mine and thd kids expenses fully on my own if needed.

He works too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Aprilbreakup · 21/04/2023 21:35

He'll be back soon.

I think I'm gonna try and hold it in tonight, then tell him tomorrow and ask him to leave.

I dont want the kids to hear us arguing tonight, they are both here asleep 😔

OP posts:
Truestorypeeps · 21/04/2023 21:35

Jesus, Mary and Joseph. I'm so sorry OP. I can't imagine how you are feeling, your whole world has been flipped upside down, the poor children. He's ruined everything for a couple of shags. If I was you I'd be so angry... Are you going to play happy families while you figure out next steps? I'm not sure I could stop myself saying, I know, you fucking filthy bastard, how could you,, as soon as I laid eyes on him. Most people seem to advise getting a solicitor asap.

Truestorypeeps · 21/04/2023 21:37

Have you a supportive friend who could be there when you ask him to leave? Preferably a burly bloke or two...

snowgirll · 21/04/2023 21:37

Dear God. I'm so sorry that you're in this position.

Original poster
Aprilbreakup · 21/04/2023 21:38

Truestorypeeps · 21/04/2023 21:35

Jesus, Mary and Joseph. I'm so sorry OP. I can't imagine how you are feeling, your whole world has been flipped upside down, the poor children. He's ruined everything for a couple of shags. If I was you I'd be so angry... Are you going to play happy families while you figure out next steps? I'm not sure I could stop myself saying, I know, you fucking filthy bastard, how could you,, as soon as I laid eyes on him. Most people seem to advise getting a solicitor asap.

I'm gonna try hold it in tonight then think tomorrow with a clearer head and hopefully no kids in the house. I have no idea what my rights are here but doubt theres any chance of speaking to a solicitor over the weekend - possibly Monday.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 21/04/2023 21:39

He’s hooked up or tried to with 4 women. Thats just awful. Well done for keeping it together.

Original poster
Aprilbreakup · 21/04/2023 21:40

Truestorypeeps · 21/04/2023 21:37

Have you a supportive friend who could be there when you ask him to leave? Preferably a burly bloke or two...

No - I think my best bet would be to tell his family first, then his brother would possibly be able to keep him calm and get him away.

OP posts:
Twopoodlesarebetterthanone · 21/04/2023 21:55

Good luck with holding it together!! I lasted about 15 seconds before I blew when I found out my partner was being unfaithful.

Nottamug · 21/04/2023 22:02

OP am so sorry to read this .Your whole world has imploded. Definitely wait until tomorrow. Any chance you can have a headache tonight and ask him to sleep in the sofa/ spare room...he is the last thing you want near you tonight. 💐

Original poster
Aprilbreakup · 21/04/2023 23:08

I pretended to be asleep when he got in.
He is now asleep and I'm awake and cant sleep because I'm so angry.
He must have a secret phone so planning to go in search of it when hes asleep in the morning. It must be in his van.

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 21/04/2023 23:48

You don’t even need to discuss it and be witness to gaslighting and all the bullshit
you know what you know
you know he will deny it
and you don’t need him to agree to a divorce
you just end it x

just ignore him for the weekend
let him figure it out

benfolds5 · 22/04/2023 00:10

I'm sorry you're in this situation, it's awful (I've been there). When you confront him, no doubt he will lie and minimise and find excuses for what he's done. Perhaps cry/beg you not to end things. It's tough, so tough, to stay strong in the face of that, and so tempting to just back down and agree to forgive and move on. Especially when there are young children involved, and maintaining the status quo seems like the best and safest option. However, you'll never trust him again, and you'll be constantly wondering if and when he's going to cheat again. It sounds like you've made the decision to end things, although perhaps tomorrow you'll feel differently, and you might swing from one decision to the other as you grapple with the stuff he's throwing at you and the consequences of the different decisions. Seeing a solicitor as soon as possible is a good idea - it will make you feel more in control and you'll have an idea of where you stand. STI test also necessary, as PPs have said. It will feel like your head's been put in a blender for a while...you need to speak to close friends and/or family, you'll feel so much better with the support and advice of those who know and love you. You have nothing to be embarrassed about, this is completely his doing. Whatever happens, you will be OK. He doesn't deserve you.

Moser85 · 22/04/2023 03:04

BlitzExcel · 21/04/2023 21:15

That's for OP to decide. My point is - divorce should be a last resort and explored only after attempts to save the marriage prove futile. It's not as straightforward as it seems and has an immense impact on children. One shouldn't take this lightly at all.

Show quote history

She already decided.
Some people know the second they find this stuff out that the marriage is over and that it is not possible to save.
She doesn't in any way sound like she's taking it lightly.

Moser85 · 22/04/2023 03:16

He must have a secret phone so planning to go in search of it when hes asleep in the morning. It must be in his van.

He might or else they use secret apps and things like that. Someone linked to this before a 'UK punting' forum 😤They read the threads on here and slag off the wives/girlfriends. They are vile. The whole scene is vile. Another woman found her husband on there when she looked at the forum.

https://www.ukpunting.com/index.php?topic=368270.0

You don't need more evidence. You have enough. Don't let him gaslight you or try to make out it wasn't that bad. And if you do start to feel sorry for him and his sad little face then have a read on there about what those bastards really think.

Get a punting phone!!! Man caught texting WGs by pregnant wife

Get a punting phone!!! Man caught texting WGs by pregnant wife

https://www.ukpunting.com/index.php?topic=368270.0

Freefall212 · 22/04/2023 03:25

Op, you don’t need to search for a secret phone or get into the minutia of any of it. You have the facts you need to know he is cheating with escorts. I wouldn’t even debate or argue about this with him. Make factual statements and tell him your decision that the marriage is over and the my discussion you will have is how to end it in the best way for the kids. I wouldn’t even get into the details of what you saw. This isn’t something you need to want to work through and who cares what he says right now. You know and he knows he was cheating with escorts. Who he met and how many times and what they did - why get into details or denials. It changes nothing.

Blossomed · 22/04/2023 03:52

I’m so sorry this has happened OP - what a horrific discovery to make. Like others have said, you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of (unlike your DP - urgh!). I hope you get all the support you need. Asking for his Brother to be there when you confront him sounds like a good idea.

Original poster
Aprilbreakup · 22/04/2023 06:12

Thanks everyone. Just awake with a massive headache.
Will tell him its over this morning.

You're right, I dont need to get into the detail and I dont want to either.

I've seen enough. On the dating website he is there as 'attached male seeking females' - its crazy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Aprilbreakup · 22/04/2023 06:19

Sorry for all the posts - just have no one to talk to at the minute. Oldest DS is 10 and has SN. Its going to be tough with him.

OP posts:
Temporaryname158 · 22/04/2023 06:22

Good luck this morning @Aprilbreakup

have it out this morning. He’ll go on his day out and you can pack his bag whilst he’s gone and leave it at his parents/brothers and inform him on the fact you’ve kicked him out and to go there.

I presume he isn’t taking the kids with him? As you mention them not being there today