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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fast advice needed please - partner and escorts

177 replies

Aprilbreakup · 21/04/2023 20:44

DP went away and left his email signed in. I noticed messages from women.
Looks like hes on dating websites and escort websites. I have found messages of him requesting meet ups with escorts. Secret phone numbers.

Obviously this is the end of us. I have got screenshots and emailed them to myself so he cant deny it.

He'll be back in less than 1 hour. Do I need to play it cool and gather more evidence or can I say it out when hes back?

OP posts:
DieselBlue89 · 22/04/2023 06:23

So sorry you're going through this. Sending you strength for this morning. Xx

Needapadlockonmyfridge · 22/04/2023 06:25

I am sorry.
He is a complete shit, isn't he.

I think the suggestion above - pack a bag for him and drop it to his family - is a good one.

You snd your kids will get through this, even though it must feel terrible right now. X

Redglitter · 22/04/2023 06:25

I'd pack a bag for him when he's out & leave it on the doorstep for him coming home complete with copies of his profile & emails

Sorry you're going through this

Kedece2410 · 22/04/2023 06:30

BlitzExcel · 21/04/2023 21:02

I don't think you should make any rash decisions. Gather the evidence, find a good time to sit down, calmly confront him, and ask for the truth. Depending on how he responds, there is a chance you can save the marriage. Remember, don't make rash decisions. First order of business is to sit down and talk.

Why on earth would she want to save the marriage. He's been seeing escorts & doing God knows what. Soon as he signed up for that site he showed how little he thinks of her or their marriage.

Dashel · 22/04/2023 06:43

Could you get someone to come and take the DC out for a bit so they aren’t there when you talk and he leaves? Go for breakfast at their grans or something similar?

I am so sorry that he is such a shit. I wouldn’t be able to forgive either.

Original poster
Aprilbreakup · 22/04/2023 06:47

Dashel · 22/04/2023 06:43

Could you get someone to come and take the DC out for a bit so they aren’t there when you talk and he leaves? Go for breakfast at their grans or something similar?

I am so sorry that he is such a shit. I wouldn’t be able to forgive either.

That is what I was thinking of doing.

Others though here have given me the idea of letting him know when hes out and just leaving a bag outside for him. I actually think I'd prefer that. I dont want to discuss it, I just want him to go away.

OP posts:
Lollipop20 · 22/04/2023 06:47

@Aprilbreakup just a post to say I’m thinking of you, don’t let him make you question yourself as in this situation he will more than likely get defensive and throw it back at you or he could break down either way remember the reactions are only because he got caught, who knows how long he would be doing this for if you didn’t find out xx

MyTruthIsOut · 22/04/2023 06:48

I’m so sorry you are going through this, I can’t even imagine how you must be feeling. Men can be such bastards at time.

You are being incredibly brave and good luck with however you handle things today.

DeflatedAgain · 22/04/2023 06:49

So sorry OP 😞

What a scumbag. I know it will be hard on the kids but you need to do what's best for you and your family.

This will give you the chance to meet someone in the future when you feel ready who absolutely adores, respects and cares for you. My ex serial cheated on me after a long time together and I found out in a similar way to you (initially I was embarrassed but that feeling goes away eventually). I left him and married a wonderful man - I've never been happier.

You seem so strong and I know you've got this. X

user1492757084 · 22/04/2023 06:53

Arrange your ducks in order.
You have time to seek legal and medical advice.
I'm sorry that this happened to you.

Wc100423 · 22/04/2023 06:56

Start trying to find his other phone possibly under the seat in his van? Hopefully it will be easy enough to find if he thinks you don’t go in there. Be careful. Sorry this happened to you and you are being so strong and resilient making sure the next moves you make put you in the best position to get this cheating throwback out of your life.

LarryStylinson · 22/04/2023 06:56

BlitzExcel · 21/04/2023 21:15

That's for OP to decide. My point is - divorce should be a last resort and explored only after attempts to save the marriage prove futile. It's not as straightforward as it seems and has an immense impact on children. One shouldn't take this lightly at all.

Show quote history

@BlitzExcel what the actual hell is wrong with you?
Man (potentially father of daughters) has been paying to use the bodies of other people's daughters for sexual gratification like they are a disposable commodity.
Why would anyone have such little self respect that they would stay in a marriage like that and model that as an acceptable way to be treated in supposed 'partnership!'

halfthesun · 22/04/2023 06:59

So sorry that this is happening. My ex had an affair with my BF - she told me on the phone while I was home with my two very in DS. Get plenty of support and expect anger, sadness and plenty of other emotions. Remember you have nothing to feel guilty about - often the guilty person tries to make you feel bad. I was accused of breaking up the family although he had the affair. Daffodil

partypompoms · 22/04/2023 07:00

Good luck today op

Try to tell someone today that will support you, it's common to feel embarrassed but remember you are innocent here

Original poster
Aprilbreakup · 22/04/2023 07:03

LarryStylinson · 22/04/2023 06:56

@BlitzExcel what the actual hell is wrong with you?
Man (potentially father of daughters) has been paying to use the bodies of other people's daughters for sexual gratification like they are a disposable commodity.
Why would anyone have such little self respect that they would stay in a marriage like that and model that as an acceptable way to be treated in supposed 'partnership!'

Show quote history

2 boys we have so don't want them to grow up thinking his pathetic behaviour is acceptable and do the same when they are adults.

OP posts:
Original poster
Aprilbreakup · 22/04/2023 07:04

halfthesun · 22/04/2023 06:59

So sorry that this is happening. My ex had an affair with my BF - she told me on the phone while I was home with my two very in DS. Get plenty of support and expect anger, sadness and plenty of other emotions. Remember you have nothing to feel guilty about - often the guilty person tries to make you feel bad. I was accused of breaking up the family although he had the affair. Daffodil

I have no doubt that he will try to blame me for not wanting sex etc.

OP posts:
Dashel · 22/04/2023 07:04

If you leave a bag outside for him, is he likely to create a scene or just go? You could still send the DC out for the day and lock him out.

I know legally you can’t get the locks changed but if you decide to do that this afternoon then it might be better if they aren’t there. Do you need some downtime to cry or process what has happened without having to be strong?

Original poster
Aprilbreakup · 22/04/2023 07:15

Dashel · 22/04/2023 07:04

If you leave a bag outside for him, is he likely to create a scene or just go? You could still send the DC out for the day and lock him out.

I know legally you can’t get the locks changed but if you decide to do that this afternoon then it might be better if they aren’t there. Do you need some downtime to cry or process what has happened without having to be strong?

He will go mad.

I could cry but I dont feel sad, I feel numb. And my head is spinning.
I had PND after our youngest was born and after a while I stopped feeling anything, aside from anger I felt emotionless.Thats how I feel now.

I've been feeling mentally really well this year, the best I have in years which makes me angry that this is going to set me right back.

I just keeping hugging DC this morning thinling I'm so sorry their life as they know it has been destroyed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Aprilbreakup · 22/04/2023 07:21

He was messaging the escorts on 28th and 29th March, then took it to whatsapp so I cant see times and dates booked, but then he did come home late from work on 30th 😡

OP posts:
Dashel · 22/04/2023 07:24

I think it’s quite normal to be in shock at this point and to go through stages like you do for death. You are grieving the life you thought you had and the future you thought you were going to have.

It is going to take a while to process and that is normal.

In a few days I would think of what you can do to support your mental health at this hard time. It’s going to be tough on yourself and the dc so how can you help yourselves? For me it would be things like spending time in nature, exercising, yoga and things like that. You will have a lot going on so make sure you do make that time to do things like that.

Longsight2019 · 22/04/2023 07:25

Prepare for him to deny any actual physical contact. He’ll have made lots of approaches that never “paid off”, but some will have and no matter how much doubt he causes in your mind with his denial, make sure that you stand firm.

Fraaahnces · 22/04/2023 07:28

I think I would leave a bag at his workplace - (he’s not going to make a scene there) quietly tell him that you know everything and don’t want him coming home or contacting you. Send him a text with the same (and copy in the evidence) send his brother a copy of the text you have sent your DH (including the evidence) and let him know that he might be hearing from your soon to be ex husband.

forthisinamechange · 22/04/2023 07:32

@Aprilbreakup what a terrible shock. You sound like you have a plan and if it's easier let him go out and then lock him out and tell him not to return.

hollydolly252 · 22/04/2023 07:33

So sorry you are going through this op. I'm hoping that he will be embarrassed enough by his sleazy behaviour that he'll do the decent thing and fuck off. But you never know. I think it would be good to have support when you confront him, even if it's a friend or relative sat outside in the car. Just so you know you're not alone. Stay strong, you sound very focused. The emotion will come but for now keep that clear head and do what needs to be done.

Sittwritt · 22/04/2023 07:45

Fraaahnces · 22/04/2023 07:28

I think I would leave a bag at his workplace - (he’s not going to make a scene there) quietly tell him that you know everything and don’t want him coming home or contacting you. Send him a text with the same (and copy in the evidence) send his brother a copy of the text you have sent your DH (including the evidence) and let him know that he might be hearing from your soon to be ex husband.

Yeah I mean this is the wanker she’ll have to be connected to for the rest of her life so let’s just act juvenile to get him to kick off like a cornered lion at the circus. Bullshit like that can lead to serious difficulties for you with child arrangements etc.

Look there is surviving infidelity and then there is prostitutes. The latter is gross just in volume of the germs he’s been knowingly exposing you to. He can have his dubious lifestyle but explain that makes it very hard for you to want ti be with him. Now you have him begging. Not cornered but begging. He’s less likely to fume. Less likely to want revenge in terms of how much he gets the kids for. That’s when you drop the bombshell that it’s not something you could live with as you know your worth and that’s not to be exposed to AIDS, hepatitis, herpes. You understand his need may be biological or an addiction but it’s but something you want to be part of. In any way.

Denies it? Say I know you never intentionally meant to hurt me, but there is no going back from this. You took away my sense of agency and that I can not forgive you for.

Make it more about STDs than the cheating I’d say, the reasons why it’s repulsive. You still have to deal with this Twit for sometime as kids grow up.

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