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Original poster

Cohabiting couples- do you ever share surnames?

137 replies

Greenbanana5 · 21/04/2023 08:43

Hiya,

I wondered how many, if any, women have changed their surname to match that of their unmarried partner?

I am divorced and now with my partner of 4 years. I don’t want to keep my married name and never felt comfortable with my maiden name as my childhood wasn’t particularly great. I love my partner’s name and our baby has his surname so I’m considering changing too, to be more of a family unit, but wondered how common that is?

OP posts:
TheFlis12345 · 21/04/2023 08:46

Do you and your partner plan to marry at some point?

Fireyflies · 21/04/2023 08:54

I think everyone would assume you were married if you do that. Would that bother you, or is it what you want? How does your partner feel? Any reason not just to get married?

CapaciousHag · 21/04/2023 08:54

It would be a stupid thing to do.

Why pretend you have all the legal protection of marriage, when you don’t? It would be giving yourself a very false sense of security. And also confusing for your child, who will begin to understand the parameters of marriage as s/he moves into the world of school.

Don’t you need to be clear about what you want from your relationship, going forward?

AlexisR · 21/04/2023 08:56

Interesting question, I don't think I would recommend it for the reasons highlighted above - everyone will think you are married and it will be a bit confusing if anything ever happens and you need any kind of legal help/ intervention.

Fireyflies · 21/04/2023 08:56

To answer your question, no I never considered altering my surname to my partner's when I was with my kids dad. It never really caused any problems not having my kids surname. I'm now married (to someone else) and did change my surname, whicker while maintaining my maiden name for work which tbh, has caused a few problems with bank accounts, ID, etc.

cosmiccosmos · 21/04/2023 08:59

All these men with amazing surnames! Always baffled how sometimes ther have sisters who don't like the name! Crazy!

Fgs OP either keep your current name or go back to your maiden name, it looks ridiculous to change your name each time you get together with a different man.

Felicity42 · 21/04/2023 09:00

You'd just be pretending to be married. It'd be weird. Why don't you just get married in a registry office, no fuss.

Beachbum21 · 21/04/2023 09:00

I know someone who did this. I did thought it was strange at first but years on I can see why they decided to do it. They are very happy and it works for them.

My MIL also remarried but wanted to keep her previous marital name as it's the same as her children and it still is to this day.

I think it's a personal choice. If you can't see yourself getting married but want to feel connected with the children in that way and it's not upsetting your partner then why not!

quietnightmare · 21/04/2023 09:03

Never thought of it but see why you would want to. Personally I would get married but if it's not in the cards and you want to match your child's name then I see your logic and would do it

At minimum I wouldn't keep my ex's name

Bamaluz · 21/04/2023 09:05

My mother did this, then found out that it gave her no protection whatsoever if her partner died, she would not be next of kin legally and his property would be inherited by his family. She had thought she would be his common law wife, but this is just a myth.
They got married.

Clymene · 21/04/2023 09:05

You should get married. You are massively financially vulnerable having children without getting married.

SleepingTilSummer · 21/04/2023 09:07

We’re not married. We chose a new surname and both changed to that. Our children have that name as well.

OneRingToRuleThemAll · 21/04/2023 09:08

I know someone who did this. They split and she still has his surname.

As long as you go into it knowing it's just a name and doesn't give any "rights" then go for it.

SleepingTilSummer · 21/04/2023 09:12

Clymene · 21/04/2023 09:05

You should get married. You are massively financially vulnerable having children without getting married.

Not always. It depends on the circumstances.

BobbidyBibbidyBob · 21/04/2023 09:13

Wow some very dramatic and OTT responses here. I'm sure OP is under no illusion that changing her name will "give her the legal protection of marriage". OP, if it would make you happy and your partner agrees and you are essentially in it for the long haul with no desire to get married then why not. It is certainly not "stupid" to do so.

Asterales · 21/04/2023 09:14

We did the same as @SleepingTilSummer . It works well for us, both of us use our original surnames at work as we have qualifications/professional reputations in those names.

People often say that having a child outside marriage makes you financially vulnerable, but don't take that as read - it very much depends on your own earning capability; qualifications etc, and on what other legal protections you have in place (wills, insurance, power ot attorney etc). It's worth looking into it further before making any decisions, rather than just accepting that "not being married makes you vulnerable".

Oatsamazing · 21/04/2023 09:15

I would quite like to do this as my surname is always mispronounced and misspelt. My partner's is an easily spelt common name and we have a daughter together. I have more financial security than my partner and work full time so don't want to marry for security.
I quite like sharing a surname with my sister though so doubt I ever will.

Franticbutterfly · 21/04/2023 09:15

You get the name when you get the ring. Just get married.

Icedlatteplease · 21/04/2023 09:18

Personally I can see every benefit in having the same surname as your children.

As long as you are aware that it is just a name change not a change in legal standing.

Also marriage doesn't benefit everyone, I definitely wouldn’t get married again and lost a lot through my marriage. tbh I wouldn’t give a child a different surname to mine either

validnumber · 21/04/2023 09:25

BobbidyBibbidyBob · 21/04/2023 09:13

Wow some very dramatic and OTT responses here. I'm sure OP is under no illusion that changing her name will "give her the legal protection of marriage". OP, if it would make you happy and your partner agrees and you are essentially in it for the long haul with no desire to get married then why not. It is certainly not "stupid" to do so.

This!
If you want the same surname as your child then to for it.
I also agree with the getting married isn't always a financial benefit to the woman brigade Grin!

SufferingCarlos · 21/04/2023 09:25

You can technically do it but it would mislead people into assuming you are married and why not just get married?

SufferingCarlos · 21/04/2023 09:26

Does anyone here HONESTLY know anyone who has done this????
I can't think of any unmarried couples who did this.

Jellycats4life · 21/04/2023 09:28

I’m married and kept my surname. My kids have never been fussed that my surname is different to theirs.

We just need to kick this obsession with sharing surnames in family units.

I agree that if you want your partner’s surname and to feel like you’re married, just get married.

MiniEggsAllYear · 21/04/2023 09:29

I dont get why you'd change your names and not just get married?

aberlot · 21/04/2023 09:31

Clymene · 21/04/2023 09:05

You should get married. You are massively financially vulnerable having children without getting married.

OP hasn't mentioned her finances so how could you possibly know this?

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