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Original poster

Cohabiting couples- do you ever share surnames?

137 replies

Greenbanana5 · 21/04/2023 08:43

Hiya,

I wondered how many, if any, women have changed their surname to match that of their unmarried partner?

I am divorced and now with my partner of 4 years. I don’t want to keep my married name and never felt comfortable with my maiden name as my childhood wasn’t particularly great. I love my partner’s name and our baby has his surname so I’m considering changing too, to be more of a family unit, but wondered how common that is?

OP posts:
Lastnamedidntstick · 22/04/2023 21:48

GCWorkNightmare · 22/04/2023 21:32

that someone who doesn’t change their name, doesn’t use Mrs, and doesn’t wear a ring is pretending not to be married?

that’s been me for 19 years.

I can’t comprehend why anyone would change their name to a man’s anyway, but doing it without the legal protection of marriage is absolute madness.

Marriage isn’t always “protection” though.

if the woman is the higher earner, has more assets, pensions, and is generally financially more secure, marriage could mean they end up giving away half of everything they own.

StripeyDeckchair · 22/04/2023 22:20

I've never changed my name (on 2nd marriage)& my children (2 from each marriage) all have my name.
Given the divorce statistics and the fact that women usually end up as resident parent it amazes me that anyone changes their name or gives their children the fathers name.

Mind you both partners have difficult surnames to get right, one just wierd English & one nonUK

Mindovermatter247 · 22/04/2023 23:06

I’ve been with DP for 19 years, neither of us care about marriage, we practically do everything that married couples do anyway. I have no interest in having dp’s surname b3cause it’s horrific… I have the nicer surname, kids have his surname because that’s how we were both brought up, kids get the dads surname.. it’s unique but horrible.

MeetMyCat · 22/04/2023 23:19

Hazelnuttella · 21/04/2023 09:53

I know someone who did this and my honest (admittedly not very kind) thoughts were that she must be desperate to get married and her partner didn’t want to. I felt quite sorry for her.

This!

Dithyramb · 22/04/2023 23:20

No one I know of my generation even considered changing their name on marriage. It’s a bizarre, reactionary decision.

TheaBrandt · 22/04/2023 23:30

Sorry I too would assume you had wanted to be married and been fobbed off with a name change and would feel abit sorry for you.

An ex of mine insisted that if we ever got married he would take my surname as it was better than his and he was the youngest of 4 boys anyway. I liked that about him!

Boomshock · 23/04/2023 05:20

Dinosaurus123 · 22/04/2023 11:05

My mum did it and it never caused any problems I don't why people would think it would cause problems, so what if ppl assume your married does it matter? No

My mother did too, and pretended she was married...even to me.
It was quite the shock to find out that my dad was married to someone else and I had secret half siblings.
There was no cheating as far as I know, he just left and they never divorced and he pretended his family didn't exist.

EdgeOfACoin · 23/04/2023 09:45

Personally, if I came across a woman who had taken her partner's surname without being married, I would assume she was desperate for the guy to marry her and he didn't want to.

But then I'm married and didn't take my husband's name. I don't really understand why women still do this.

xfan · 23/04/2023 10:21

cosmiccosmos · 21/04/2023 08:59

All these men with amazing surnames! Always baffled how sometimes ther have sisters who don't like the name! Crazy!

Fgs OP either keep your current name or go back to your maiden name, it looks ridiculous to change your name each time you get together with a different man.

This made me laugh, great comment @cosmiccosmos

TakeMyStrongHand · 23/04/2023 10:47

No no no!

In life, do what works for you but I always judge this so hard! You're giving up a part of yourself. If he won't marry you, why would you take his name? It's like pretending for a man who won't pay you that respect. Have respect for yourself. Own your name. If you don't like it, make one up!

I'm not married and hate my surname so feel I'm well placed to comment on this.

I would rather be married but DP has legitimate reasons for not wanting to and I would rather be with him than married to my second choice. It also affords me my financial stability as it's not automatically his. Mortgage is both so we have stability together where required and stability separately.

DD has both of our surnames using mainly his in every day life because it is better.

Lastnamedidntstick · 23/04/2023 11:03

StripeyDeckchair · 22/04/2023 22:20

I've never changed my name (on 2nd marriage)& my children (2 from each marriage) all have my name.
Given the divorce statistics and the fact that women usually end up as resident parent it amazes me that anyone changes their name or gives their children the fathers name.

Mind you both partners have difficult surnames to get right, one just wierd English & one nonUK

This works for women though, but not for men who have a child with more than one mother.

dh already had a child when I met him, his ex was very “traditional” so marriage, changing names, “proud to be Mrs” crap (until she cheated). She’s now changed her name to OM’s, so only had the same name as her kids for about 2 years.

so we discussed giving our children my name, but one of the reasons we had for going with his is so the siblings could all have the same family name. That and the fact that having been through one split and being nrp, the name gave him a tie, especially with schools, dr’s etc where different name would have it assumed to be stepdad. He had to resort to legal letters a few times anyway as generally he didn’t get the same automatic acceptance and a parent that a woman has.

Fifthtimelucky · 23/04/2023 13:09

I only know one (unmarried) couple that did this. They split up over 20 years and she still uses his surname. When they split she had been using that name for many years and thought of it as her name, so didn't see any need to change it.

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