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Original poster

Cohabiting couples- do you ever share surnames?

137 replies

Greenbanana5 · 21/04/2023 08:43

Hiya,

I wondered how many, if any, women have changed their surname to match that of their unmarried partner?

I am divorced and now with my partner of 4 years. I don’t want to keep my married name and never felt comfortable with my maiden name as my childhood wasn’t particularly great. I love my partner’s name and our baby has his surname so I’m considering changing too, to be more of a family unit, but wondered how common that is?

OP posts:
aberlot · 21/04/2023 09:33

SufferingCarlos · 21/04/2023 09:26

Does anyone here HONESTLY know anyone who has done this????
I can't think of any unmarried couples who did this.

I do. She also changed her title to MRS.

They are no longer together but she still uses it.

Original poster
Greenbanana5 · 21/04/2023 09:38

It’s interesting how people are talking about getting married, which was never part of the question. I’m not against marriage but it’s something we’ve decided not to do and is another kettle of fish to just identifying differently. It’s like repeatedly saying someone should move house when they’re just talking about redecorating- completely different things!

For me, the name thing is about my identity and acknowledging being a family and I was interested to know if other people had done it.

I’m certainly not keeping my ex’s name or the name given to me by my abusive family. 😄I want to be able to move on and embrace my present and future.

OP posts:
SleepingTilSummer · 21/04/2023 09:39

MiniEggsAllYear · 21/04/2023 09:29

I dont get why you'd change your names and not just get married?

Not everyone wants to get married. 😬

I decided to change my name as I didn’t want my abusive parents surname. My partner knew I didn’t want to get married and knowing that I would give our future children my surname, he asked if I’d mind if he changed his surname at the same time so that he’d have the same surname as his children in the future.

We have 2 kids now and they share a surname with both of us.

it works for us. I don’t know why anyone gets bothered about other people doing it. I don’t care that anyone gets married and takes or doesn’t take their partners surname.

33goingon64 · 21/04/2023 09:40

Just get married.

HereForTheFreeLunch · 21/04/2023 09:40

Then just do it. Either pick another one you like or pick his. Ultimately it doesn't matter what anyone else does or doesn't do. You need to be comfortable with your name.

Maybe think about would you still keep the surname if you split up?

Tinybrother · 21/04/2023 09:41

As long as you aren’t doing anything fraudulent (which you aren’t) you can call yourself what you like.

WheresTheForum · 21/04/2023 09:42

SufferingCarlos · 21/04/2023 09:26

Does anyone here HONESTLY know anyone who has done this????
I can't think of any unmarried couples who did this.

Yes, I know two women who have done this. The world exists outside your network you know….

33goingon64 · 21/04/2023 09:43

Sorry X post, I see you don't intend to. But just remember you don't have the same legal status as you would if you were married. It's worth checking what happens in the event of separation or death if you don't marry, in financial terms and regarding your child. Also, make a will if you haven't already.

Ladderback · 21/04/2023 09:43

I think it would be silly. I wouldn't take a man's surname even if we were married. I didn't take DH's. I think it's also ridiculous to have one name for work and another for home.

PousseyNotMoira · 21/04/2023 09:47

I'll never understand how, for some women, their name is something transient - to be changed multiple times over the course of their lifetime. For this man, then that man, then because they never liked it anyway.

If you and your partner split up, and you met someone else, would you embark on name number four? At what point do you stop changing your identity (your term, not mine)?

Never have I met a man who has changed his last name multiple times. Why do you think that is?

SleepingTilSummer · 21/04/2023 09:49

PousseyNotMoira · 21/04/2023 09:47

I'll never understand how, for some women, their name is something transient - to be changed multiple times over the course of their lifetime. For this man, then that man, then because they never liked it anyway.

If you and your partner split up, and you met someone else, would you embark on name number four? At what point do you stop changing your identity (your term, not mine)?

Never have I met a man who has changed his last name multiple times. Why do you think that is?

Many women’s surnames would originally be from a man though, their fathers. That’s why the idea of choosing my own surname appealed to me. It’s mine.

RuffledKestrel · 21/04/2023 09:50

Greenbanana5 · 21/04/2023 09:38

It’s interesting how people are talking about getting married, which was never part of the question. I’m not against marriage but it’s something we’ve decided not to do and is another kettle of fish to just identifying differently. It’s like repeatedly saying someone should move house when they’re just talking about redecorating- completely different things!

For me, the name thing is about my identity and acknowledging being a family and I was interested to know if other people had done it.

I’m certainly not keeping my ex’s name or the name given to me by my abusive family. 😄I want to be able to move on and embrace my present and future.

If I were in your position then I think I would change my surname to something I liked - different from ex, the abusive family and your current partner. Pick something you like, make it yours.

As others have said, perhaps your new partner and children can change theirs to this too if they like?

Hazelnuttella · 21/04/2023 09:53

I know someone who did this and my honest (admittedly not very kind) thoughts were that she must be desperate to get married and her partner didn’t want to. I felt quite sorry for her.

burnoutbabe · 21/04/2023 09:55

i'd feel a bit sorry for you to be honest, and assume it was the woman wanted to marry but the man refused to "and this name change is just as good"

(and knowing women who have done this, thats the situation)

just seems decietful, pretending to be something you are not. (as i assume people would ask when you got married, then you'd have to tell them you are not and then they would think um??)

burnoutbabe · 21/04/2023 09:56

ah snap with @Hazelnuttella

Original poster
Greenbanana5 · 21/04/2023 09:58

PousseyNotMoira · 21/04/2023 09:47

I'll never understand how, for some women, their name is something transient - to be changed multiple times over the course of their lifetime. For this man, then that man, then because they never liked it anyway.

If you and your partner split up, and you met someone else, would you embark on name number four? At what point do you stop changing your identity (your term, not mine)?

Never have I met a man who has changed his last name multiple times. Why do you think that is?

At what point do you stop changing your identity? I guess when I’m comfortable with it which is now.

I got married at 18 after I was effectively groomed from age 17. It was an exploitative relationship. After 10 years I got free from that relationship I found a person who I really trust and am extremely compatible with, but most importantly I found myself, what I like, who I am and where I’m most comfortable.
Each to their own I guess and lots of women are dead against changing their name but having thought about it I would not feel comfortable with picking a random name.

I suppose even in the dreaded event of a future separation, I’d rather keep my current partner’s name, and live with that than any of my previous ones.

OP posts:
SleepingTilSummer · 21/04/2023 10:00

burnoutbabe · 21/04/2023 09:55

i'd feel a bit sorry for you to be honest, and assume it was the woman wanted to marry but the man refused to "and this name change is just as good"

(and knowing women who have done this, thats the situation)

just seems decietful, pretending to be something you are not. (as i assume people would ask when you got married, then you'd have to tell them you are not and then they would think um??)

You have no idea about OPs circumstances. She’s been divorced, I’d be more likely to presume she has assets she wants to protect so is making a sensible choice to not marry. It’s very old fashioned that you presume women want to get married. You should check your thinking.

Who cares if people think ‘um’? Sad when people live their life around other people’s reactions instead of just doing what suits them.

MrsMariaReynolds · 21/04/2023 10:00

Why not just get married then?

Fwiw, I AM married and didn't change my name. Too much of a faff. DS and DH share a last name, and I have my own, but that does not diminish our family unit in any way.

There are many better benefits to marriage than a name change.

SueVineer · 21/04/2023 10:01

To answer your question, I cohabited with my ex. I never felt the need to change my name (at all or to his name). We had two dds who we double barrelled (I would just have called them after me but this was a compromise).

I don’t see any need to change your name on marriage or otherwise (men don’t do it). But if you want to go ahead.

as for all the usual 50s housewives jumping out the ether- marriage doesn’t necessarily bring you “protection”. If I had married I would be much worse off now. I’m more able to manage as a single mum because I kept my assets and income and didn’t have to split it with my ex.

Original poster
Greenbanana5 · 21/04/2023 10:02

People seem quite angry about this thread 😄 making all sorts of assumptions and quite strong statements.
I was interested in knowing if anyone had done it that’s all.

OP posts:
jobadoo · 21/04/2023 10:02

in non-Western cultures women don't change surname after marriage, or ever during their lifetime. That's more than half of the world's population.

SleepingTilSummer · 21/04/2023 10:03

Greenbanana5 · 21/04/2023 09:58

At what point do you stop changing your identity? I guess when I’m comfortable with it which is now.

I got married at 18 after I was effectively groomed from age 17. It was an exploitative relationship. After 10 years I got free from that relationship I found a person who I really trust and am extremely compatible with, but most importantly I found myself, what I like, who I am and where I’m most comfortable.
Each to their own I guess and lots of women are dead against changing their name but having thought about it I would not feel comfortable with picking a random name.

I suppose even in the dreaded event of a future separation, I’d rather keep my current partner’s name, and live with that than any of my previous ones.

Show quote history

Glad you’re now free and happy OP. Just do what you feel comfortable with.

SueVineer · 21/04/2023 10:03

SleepingTilSummer · 21/04/2023 10:00

You have no idea about OPs circumstances. She’s been divorced, I’d be more likely to presume she has assets she wants to protect so is making a sensible choice to not marry. It’s very old fashioned that you presume women want to get married. You should check your thinking.

Who cares if people think ‘um’? Sad when people live their life around other people’s reactions instead of just doing what suits them.

Show quote history

Exactly. And what kind of pathetic morons Judge women for being unmarried mums in 2023. Pride and Prejudice is not real life you know

burnoutbabe · 21/04/2023 10:04

oh i am all for women not marrying as its sensible to protect assets (as i myself don't). i'd think "sensible lady to not tie herself again"

but then don't try and pretend you are married by changing your name. its like you are ashamed of your choices and don't want other people to think you are not married.

Original poster
Greenbanana5 · 21/04/2023 10:05

@SleepingTilSummer

Thank you 🙏
I hope everyone is having a nice day.

OP posts: