Cohabiting couples- do you ever share surnames?

[Greenbanana5]

Hiya,

I wondered how many, if any, women have changed their surname to match that of their unmarried partner?

I am divorced and now with my partner of 4 years. I don’t want to keep my married name and never felt comfortable with my maiden name as my childhood wasn’t particularly great. I love my partner’s name and our baby has his surname so I’m considering changing too, to be more of a family unit, but wondered how common that is?

It seems odd to me to change your name to your partners name without being married, although I knew someone who did that.

I am divorced (for years now) and with DP, but kept ExH surname thinking me and DP would marry at some point and I would change. DP doesn’t want to marry me (thats another story) so I have now reverted to a new name.

My maiden name felt like my baby name. Luckily my middle name can be used as a surname so I have changed to use that instead (essentially just chopping off old surname). Very happy that I have done so!

is there another option for you?

What is odd about wanting to have the same name as your child? I would think it's more odd to want to have a different name to your child.

OP didn't ask about any of this. OP asked about names. Not finances. Not marriage. Names.

Why do people keep saying this?
You ask on a public forum, you don't get to control the answers. It's not an exam. People can reply however they wish and she can disregard comments. These issues were brought up because they are directly relevant and connected to the question. It's not a 1+1 calculation it's a discussion. That's how it works on chat forums.

Call yourself whatever you like, just do a deed polll.

And better for her to know in advance that most people as demonstrated here think it's strange and offered a very valid alternative to achieve what she wants to achieve which is marriage.
I bet if it were about something else that is less triggering like a style and beauty topic she would have welcomed alternative suggestions and ideas, it's only because she and other posters had this hit a sore spot for them that they are being arsey about widening the discussion.

Marriage can also leave you in a lot of debt!

How would it make it easier? Surely the admin of the wedding would be more of a ballache?

@SufferingCarlos

Why do people keep saying this?
You ask on a public forum, you don't get to control the answers.

It was part of a wider conversation where someone thought OP should have mentioned her financial position when she posted.

I don't give a shit what people say and I'm not here to control answers but equally it's reasonable to ask why something thought that should have been disclosed on a thread about names.

I'm not married, its not for me, but I sometimes refer to DP as DH or don't correct people if they assume I'm married and I wear an engagement looking ring on my ring finger <gasp>

Some people can get a bit weird if it looks like you're married but not, like its taking something away from their relationship 🙄

I know a few people who have changed their name for various reasons. If you want to just go for it, no one else's opinion on this subject matters and if people think you're married who cares!

My mum did this before she had her children so we would all have the same surname. They split and she stuck with the name so we would remain the same. Now both her children have different surnames and she still has his. She may change it but at this point it's been 30 years so she'd have a lot to change.

The only person I know who did it basically did it because she wanted to seem married when her partner wouldn't marry her. He's a millionaire many times over now (they met late teens/early 20s and are in late 60s now), so he's really managed to short her sadly and kept her tied to a relationship she should have left decades ago (the lack of marriage, not the name change). I always assumed they were married, so I think you will run into that issue - or having to explain to people why you didn't invite them to the 'wedding'.

That said, while it would be my personal preference to be married, I do get the desire to change your name and be a family unit. I was very ready to get rid of my dad's surname as he was a jerk and never involved in my life and long dead at that point. It didn't feel like 'my' name. The name I share with dh and dc is much more 'my' name than that one ever was. So I do get the desire to do it.

I can't see any reason not to as long as you're prepared to do lots of explaining at first because I expect people will be confused.

someone thought OP should have mentioned her financial position when she posted.

Slightly more nuanced than that. As a matter of thread etiquette I generally hope that a poster would make it clear if they’re in a situation that is not the standard one people might assume. When an OP doesn’t do that you can get dozens of responses based on a misunderstanding.

https://www.patients-association.org.uk/next-of-kin

The other issue!

Exactly - in my co-habiting situation, I'm financially much better off being unmarried!

The ‘originating from a man’ thing never really made sense to me, either. Men’s names generally also came from their fathers. It’s not considered a mark of transience for them. Why is it the case for women?

I genuinely don’t care where my name came from. It’s my name.

That said, I completely understand your approach of choosing your own name. That’s entirely yours and I get the motivation behind it. I don’t get the motivation of changing your name (and, in OP’s framing, your identity) multiple times for multiple relationships.

Looks desperate.

One of my grandmothers did this because my grandfather refused to marry her, so that’s what I think of when I hear of people doing this. It’s pretty common.

if you don’t want to get married for whatever reason- choose a new name for you both and both change your name via deed poll.

I’m married and I haven’t changed my name out of principle, so the thought of adopting this patriarchal custom for a man who didn’t even propose to me is absolutely mind boggling

I don’t know anyone who has took their partners surname when cohabiting. I know a few married women who have kept their maiden name though. I don’t think there is a right or wrong.

Weird isn’t it.

i didn’t change my name but still many people still address me as “Mrs dh”. They don’t seem to understand that it isn’t some sort of compliment that I’ve managed to snag a man.

the posters getting upset here seem to think that there’s some sort of cachet to being married and are pissed off that someone could get the marital privilege of name changing, without actually being married.

o/p do what you want. So what if people think you’re married?

fwiw I like having a different name to my kids. I don’t quite get why people are so tied to it, it’s for a relatively short period in my life and tbh it’s never really come up. Especially if you have girls- if you think women should change their names, then you aren’t going to have the same name forever anyway.

Yes I did. I’m married now but I changed mine deed poll when my children were born because I didn’t want a different surname

Can I just say it’s a pain in the arse for car insurance. Computer says no when I lived with my husband. Wasn’t married but had mrs and the same surname

just to warn you!

the posters getting upset here seem to think that there’s some sort of cachet to being married and are pissed off that someone could get the marital privilege of name changing, without actually being married.

This is the most egregious misstating of facts I’ve seen all year!

And yes people thought we were married and it was particularly funny when we did get married as it was

dl you sammy fisher take Freddie fisher (same Surnames). Hehehe.

apart from that I don’t know if people thought I was married. It never really came up….

Me!!!