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Original poster

Cohabiting couples- do you ever share surnames?

137 replies

Greenbanana5 · 21/04/2023 08:43

Hiya,

I wondered how many, if any, women have changed their surname to match that of their unmarried partner?

I am divorced and now with my partner of 4 years. I don’t want to keep my married name and never felt comfortable with my maiden name as my childhood wasn’t particularly great. I love my partner’s name and our baby has his surname so I’m considering changing too, to be more of a family unit, but wondered how common that is?

OP posts:
sugarspices · 21/04/2023 10:06

I know someone that did this because they didn't want marriage but wanted a family unit with the same name - she also hated her maiden name. I didn't think twice about it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Also agree that the 'legal protection' that comes from marriage isn't always the case. I am getting married next year but tbh it puts me in a much more vulnerable position than my fiancé. We earn about the same. I have a property, savings & pension - he has none of those and is self employed. I stand to lose a lot more than he does!

If you're worried about being next of kin for inheritance just sort out your wills.

SueVineer · 21/04/2023 10:08

burnoutbabe · 21/04/2023 10:04

oh i am all for women not marrying as its sensible to protect assets (as i myself don't). i'd think "sensible lady to not tie herself again"

but then don't try and pretend you are married by changing your name. its like you are ashamed of your choices and don't want other people to think you are not married.

Why is changing your name “pretending to be married”? Lots of married people don’t change their names.

SleepingTilSummer · 21/04/2023 10:09

Greenbanana5 · 21/04/2023 10:02

People seem quite angry about this thread 😄 making all sorts of assumptions and quite strong statements.
I was interested in knowing if anyone had done it that’s all.

I had some very, very strong reactions to my surname change, even though it was to a shiny new one. It really does seems to anger some people, I was really shocked.

I also changed my first and middle name. Shocker! Again, abusive parents and I wanted to cut all ties and hated that my name was chosen by them. Some people really did lose their minds, just acquaintances, so no one that had any real investment in my original names. It was bizarre!

😅

SleepingTilSummer · 21/04/2023 10:10

SueVineer · 21/04/2023 10:08

Why is changing your name “pretending to be married”? Lots of married people don’t change their names.

Show quote history

Because they presume everyone is desperate to be married. 😬

burnoutbabe · 21/04/2023 10:10

most people being introduced to Mr X and Mrs X would assume they were married? its hardly a wild assumption.

same as if the OP changes her name to X now, they'd assume they had quietly married at some point.

CurlewKate · 21/04/2023 10:27

Absolutely not. Under any circumstances. My dp occasionally uses mine for things like booking restaurants because it's shorter and easier to spell ( unusual, I know. It's usually men's last names that are shorter, easier to spell and more euphonious) but he has his name and I have mine and our children have both. Why any woman would give their child their partner's name completely baffled me.

AbsolutePixels · 21/04/2023 10:35

Get married, then change your name. Marriage will protect you financially and provide a more stable environment for your child.

WilkinsonM · 21/04/2023 10:38

I know a woman who did this. I never asked her why but she was the higher earner and cared for her DP so I don't think marriage was something that would have benefited her much.

WilkinsonM · 21/04/2023 10:39

AbsolutePixels · 21/04/2023 10:35

Get married, then change your name. Marriage will protect you financially and provide a more stable environment for your child.

Marriage might protect her financially but it might not! I'm getting married soon and having a legal contract drawn up around MY property as I have more and earn more than DP. Don't make assumptions. As to whether it's more stable for children - again the assumptions! Who's to say they are planning on children together? Married couples are no more likely to stay together after children than cohabiting ones.

Vicliz24 · 21/04/2023 11:07

I did exactly that when my children were young . I wanted the same surname as them . I never married their father and in fact when I married my now DH I kept my children's name even though they're both adults .

CurlewKate · 21/04/2023 11:09

@AbsolutePixels "Get married, then change your name. Marriage will protect you financially and provide a more stable environment for your child."

Get married it you want to. No need to change your name.

All the financial security (with the exception of one element that only applies to people with significant amounts of money) can be arranged easily without needing marriage.

More stable environment? Bollocks.

Lcb123 · 21/04/2023 11:09

Why not just get married, even small at registry office. It would make the admin of name changing easier. Saying that I'm married and won't be changing my name as can't face the admin!

SufferingCarlos · 21/04/2023 11:16

WheresTheForum · 21/04/2023 09:42

Yes, I know two women who have done this. The world exists outside your network you know….

Show quote history

And do you not find it weird? Do you not judge them?

CapaciousHag · 21/04/2023 11:17

‘50s housewife’ here! Grin

I was a lawyer in a previous life - and have seen first hand (professionally and personally) how women can be screwed over by apparently lovely men once they spilt up.

And of course - if the OP is one of the few whose personal financial position is stronger if she remains unmarried I would face expected her to mention that in her OP.

CapaciousHag · 21/04/2023 11:19

Hmm ‘I would have …’

SufferingCarlos · 21/04/2023 11:21

The marriage protectiveness thing is true for most women. If a woman is so minted or so successful and rich she probably has her own solicitor and been advised already but for the average woman she will take time off work or work part time and it benefits her financially to be married so it is valid advice IMO.

aberlot · 21/04/2023 11:23

CapaciousHag · 21/04/2023 11:17

‘50s housewife’ here! Grin

I was a lawyer in a previous life - and have seen first hand (professionally and personally) how women can be screwed over by apparently lovely men once they spilt up.

And of course - if the OP is one of the few whose personal financial position is stronger if she remains unmarried I would face expected her to mention that in her OP.

Why would you expect her to mention her financial situation on a thread where she is asking about names?

incitethismeetingtorebellion · 21/04/2023 11:24

I wouldn't do it but then I wouldn't change my name if we got married. If someone else wants to do it so they all have the same name then crack on. I might assume that you wanted to get married and he didn't but then that's none of my business.

Sleepygrumpyandnothappy · 21/04/2023 11:26

Hi @Greenbanana5, sorry your thread has derailed. I know one person considering doing this, so they all share the same name as a family unit.

People will probably assume you’re married, but so what? People assume DP and I are married just because we have a baby.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 21/04/2023 11:28

I’m considering changing too, to be more of a family unit

Do you think there might be something here worth exploring, given your other thread, the age gap between you and your dp and the minimal contact you have with your (estimated) 6 year old from the previous marriage?

Might you be seeing the name change as a sort of quick fix, emotionally?

ladykale · 21/04/2023 11:33

Genuine Q - why on earth don't unmarried women give children their surname? It should obviously be the case and then avoids this ridiculous scenario OP is suggesting. I wouldn't like to have a different surname to me child so I get it

Phoebo · 21/04/2023 11:35

Sorry, but I think that is really weird if you're not married. I even think if you are married, taking the man's surname is becoming less and less common

Phoebo · 21/04/2023 11:35

Sorry, but I think that is really weird if you're not married. I even think if you are married, taking the man's surname is becoming less and less common

MrsMikeDrop · 21/04/2023 11:36

aberlot · 21/04/2023 09:31

OP hasn't mentioned her finances so how could you possibly know this?

Show quote history

Standard MN response of course! God forbid if she's a SAHM! 😉

CapaciousHag · 21/04/2023 11:47

Why would you expect her to mention her financial situation on a thread where she is asking about names?

@aberlot The OP mentioned her baby, so she almost certainly has already suffered some financial disruption through maternity leave and/ or childcare. She also made it clear she is unmarried. In the general run of things that combination puts women at a disadvantage. So it is crucially relevant - and papering over by changing your name might seem a bit … pointless. If the OP had said “But don’t worry, my decision not to get married is informed by my current strong financial position” no one would need to waste time querying her situation.

Anyway, the thread has moved on …