Mum can't afford to live

[Theamofm]

My mum and dad split 3 years ago. Before mum had a great lifestyle and had no money worries. Dad covered it. Mum worked but was only pocket money really. Mum now lives alone and works long hours and a lot of travelling. She's early 60s and it's tiring her out. She's that tired at weekends she's not going out to meet anyone, and not only that she can't really afford it. She earns enough to survive basically. Tried universal credit and she can't get it. What help is out there? We could assist a bit if it was desperate but we dont have an endless pot that could go on forever. How do other people cope? What happens when she has to stop working? It really worries me. Thanks,

I meant loads of 'women' but said 'people', above in my first sentence.

Now I can see where you are coming from I understand your stance . I am guilty looking at this through the prism of my own experience and for that I apologise.

No problem! This is why I mentioned immigrant earlier because unfortunately my Mum didn’t get opportunity to get educated before marriage (she married quite young and moved to new country, learnt new language etc). She and my Dad are still together but she said she found SAHM lonely and isolating much preferred going to college/uni them job. She told me and my sister to never be dependent and work because it’s so lonely. We don’t have much close family which doesn’t help..

I'm glad your mum encouraged you to aspire to a better life, anonymous.

Thank you!

She should be entitled to universal credit. I work 37.5 hrs a week and get around 600 from universal credit as i have to pay rent. She can appeal their decision or she can claim housing benefit to help towards her rent.

She can reduce her hours to be able to get more help off the government

No she can’t , she can blimming well work full time hours as an able bodied woman and the rest of us who do this won’t be paying our taxes for someone who has frankly made foolish life choices.
id love to cut my hours and get so called government handouts. Wouldn’t we all prefer this to actually working for our own money.
Jeez.

Of course she can't ! UC would expect her to be working full time unless she has a medical reason for not doing so.

Frustratingly annoying that some people think this is an option isn't it !

Have you tried approaching charity? There is a specific one that helps women with regular outgoings. It may take some of the heat off mum. It is called The Society For The Assistance Of Ladies In Reduced Circumstances. They can't help with electricity bills etc, but they make regular small payments for things like Broadband, TV licence, phone line. I wish your mum every happiness for the future.

It's depressing that some people are blaming this woman for not being psychic.

@anonymousxoxo we had a smart Indian couple came to view the quite posh house we rented when we were moving on- she carried a baby, clearly spoke English (as I heard them talking outside the house) but whilst looking round the house, she never uttered a single word and just trailed her husband and the agent around and didn't say a single word. It was quiet clear to me she had no say whatsoever . It's easy to forget this kind of attitude still persists with some in many cultures

Ah well that explains then.

but you don’t need much foresight to realise women get divorced, their husbands die and forgot to renew the life insurance, their husbands gamble it all on Red Rum in the National, or some other disaster that all too commonly can happen in real life.
it is back to the advice to rely only on yourself only.
if you don’t make provision for your own old age why the hell do you think the other people who have, should subsidise you.

Yup :(

This is what I was trying to say, hence why I added the immigration part. Especially where I (my parents) originally come from, girls are told to stay quiet - cook, clean, do laundry and birth babies there’s nothing more to her. They don’t want to educate women either, because they see no point and men as the “legacy heir”. Men from India like to have control, in UK it’s not so bad. For example, girls having to move with in laws after marriage etc. All that crap.

I don’t mind pulling my weight and doing household choices 50/50%, that’s the way it should be.

This is why I’m so passionate to stay full time, not be a SAHM because I’m really worried that will happen to me.

At least with working, I can get a mortgage on my own name and pay the bills if I had to leave otherwise I’d be royally screwed.

Also, I want to help my parents out when I can (Dad had a stroke unfortunately so can no longer work, physically is ok) so need money for this aswell.

@anonymousxoxo personally I agree with you and given the state of how things are and the fact that spousal maintanance has virtually gone out the window I think any young woman having kids has to consider the fact she'might' end up virtually 100% responsible for the children , as so many men are quite crafty in getting out of what they should pay if things break down. That's not always the case but I think it's best to be aware that if you are a SAHM you are making yourself vulnerable and with possibly not much on your CV for quite a lot of years- even if you do 12 hours I think it's better to 'keep your hand in' ! Obviously if you have a very rich husband and a lot of assets you are less vulnerable- but that often isn't the case.

As women we should be careful who we judge. Lots of women think they have a shared understanding in their marriage of roles and shared responsibility within a marriage. When it goes south who's most likely up suffer? Women.

I have nothing but sympathy for OPs Mum and I hope she finds some financial security. It's so tough to presume you are looked after for life and then to discover you are so vulnerable.

I got divorced at 43. I'd struggled to do my best with a career and caring for my (then very shy) children. But I had a career and several of my friends said it gave them serious pause for thought - how would I manage if I split with my husband? Can't say I haven't suffered - I have - but not financially. I earned more than my XH and have continued to do so and the gap has widened more and more. And with that I've had independence and choice. And given my kids a great life.

That's interesting.

I always thought it was an option if there were children at home? So many in my teams (before I retired) opted to work part-time and said they were financially better off due to the various benefits (WTC/CTC/UC etc.) their family received as a result, even when their partner/husband was a fairly high earner.

Perhaps that's changed, but I only retired a couple of years ago?

Government policy (which is all of our business) in relation to taxation, benefits etc drives people's decisions to be a SAHP. So it's not just what individual people think. Unless your OH earns well enough to be unaffected by any of that.

Personally I think children do benefit from having a significant amount of parental time in the early years, but unless there's illness/disability this shouldn't be required once kids are back in school.

If 'support' means going 'rah rah do what you want' I certainly can't, in good faith cheer on any friends of mine who decided to give up work without pointing out what she'd be losing. Quite a few of my friends had never considered the loss of pension etc.

And I wouldn't support any policies, as I have seen suggested on here to give sole earner families (single parents excepted) tax breaks because it's a luxury - not a necessity.

I would and do however support better quality childcare/wraparound care, flexible working. And more subtle things like at a corporate level stamping out expectations for people to dedicate significant amount of personal time to meaningless socialising in order to get ahead.

I'm glad that societal expectations are changing such that women are expected to work AND equally men are expected to do their bit. It makes me happy every time I see school drop off/pick ups, plays etc boldly displayed in everyone's calendars. Male, female, junior, senior.

Of course maybe I'm privileged in that I work in a shortage occupation but this is the ideal - of both parents having work and kids. Instead of 'dividing it up'.

1000%, even part time is fine and perfect option of best of both worlds. No one in interviews asks if previous job was part time or full time.. If needed apply for full time jobs and enthusiastic during interview stage to work full time. I've had multiple interviews, no one asked if I worked part time. Not even once.

Since covid-19, so many office jobs are hybrid/remote (this doesn't replace childcare at all - my parents help me out with childcare until they get their 30 hours free). I go office 1 day a week, rest I'm at home. I have career progression to and work 8-4, sometimes till 5 if I have to on emergency. I would be an absolute idiot to give this up.

The main thing is keeping hand in work, you never know what's round the corner - divorce, death, illness or parents needing help in old age. Money makes life sooo much easier.

We still don't understand how £300/month on housing is taking all the lady's earnings.

Yeah I agree with this, I think it's ridiculous free childcare starts at 3 not 1. That's when maternity leave ends. So for "2 years" women are ruining their career potential, then people wonder why women are wanting to have less children or opting out of it all together. I love the calendar part too, my colleague actively does drop off/pick ups and cooking. Many of the male colleagues at my work place do. One colleague has double barrelled his surname, his wife's surname actually comes before his on the hyphen I mean.

Children will grow up, leave and then what will happen? Once children reach secondary school they're much more independent, then university/work or whatever they decide to do. What will happen to me?

Then, pension/poverty. It's too risky to become a SAHM.

@anonymousxoxo and maternity leave is only paid for 9 months so saying it’s a year long is assuming a woman can live off £0 for 3 months. I’m having to go back after 9 months and we will be paying a second mortgage- worth in childcare costs for years