Mum can't afford to live

[Theamofm]

My mum and dad split 3 years ago. Before mum had a great lifestyle and had no money worries. Dad covered it. Mum worked but was only pocket money really. Mum now lives alone and works long hours and a lot of travelling. She's early 60s and it's tiring her out. She's that tired at weekends she's not going out to meet anyone, and not only that she can't really afford it. She earns enough to survive basically. Tried universal credit and she can't get it. What help is out there? We could assist a bit if it was desperate but we dont have an endless pot that could go on forever. How do other people cope? What happens when she has to stop working? It really worries me. Thanks,

OP’s mother only has to fend for herself. She pays £300 for shared ownership and is still in dire straits. This shouldn’t be the case

This is probably why some of us have wondered whether she's still in the habit of "living for now" and believe that the first priority is a proper budget - something she might easily resist, which would be a major clue in itself

The talk about supporting each other is well and fine, but there's only so much which can be done about a mindset

I’m saying the men are to blame. Not you. The patriarchy did it. They expected women to cook, clean, baby machine and be a slave. Now, things are more equal yet we still have some women becoming SAHM’s and conforming to that 1950’s housewife who get shafted. But, surely you could have worked part time at the very least?

My point is SAHM make themselves financially vulnerable, screw up their career options and financial stability. Read the statistic on how many women are in poverty when they teach pension age. It’s shocking.

It’s not depressing or judgemental to point this out. These days there’s no excuse with wfh and childcare options.

Women couldn’t get a bank account with their husbands knowing or mortgage in their own name, yet I’m being depressing and judgmental for saying SAHM should be financially independent.

Anyway, I come from an immigrant working class family - my parents drilled it to me always be financially independent and never reliant on anyone.

Also what would have happened if your DH left, would you have expected the state to fund your poor financial choices?

Or god forbid, he died or got ill - then what?

Too many women don’t live in real world and that’s why they suffer financially. Men don’t have this problem.

Also, let me guess you work part time whilst your DH is full time. Screwing your pension.

No, I couldn't due to my Dh's working pattern . But I did use the time to gain a qualification via the OU so that when I did return to work I was the higher earner and DH could go part time to cover childcare.

I do get what you are saying BUT every situation is not clear cut 🤷‍♀️

@Babooshka1992 From Hansard 3 June 1980: ‘On 31 March 1979 there were 28,700 places in local authority day nurseries in England and Wales, and private premises were registered to provide all-day care for up to 22,600 children’. In general it was not accepted that it was the States job to provide day care to enable the parents of young children to go out to work which is also quoted in Hansard.

It wasn’t until the Children’s Act 1989 that there was the start of regulation of all childcare.

The first maternity leave legislation was not introduced until 1975. Have a look at the regulations and you will see as to how little statutory maternity leave and pay women were entitled to. And that only covered about half working women due to the long qualifying periods. It wasn’t until the 1990s that maternity leave was extended to all working women.

Before the 1990s the majority of women with preschool children were not in a position to be able to continue in their previous jobs, or even consider taking another full time job until their children went to school. Legislation and lack of childcare provision was not on their side.

People saying it was common to not work in 1990s - not my experience. Had ds then and worked full time. No judgement and no problems getting nurseries then childminder once school age. My dm- now nearly 90- always worked - difference is she couldn’t afford to pay into private pension and for some of her life was working in her ex husbands unsuccessful businesses so didn’t get full state pension so now relies on pension credit to top up. Because of this though she gets a lot of other benefits.
Im nearly 50 and being financially independent has always been important to me so when marriage ended it meant financially I’m ok as was never dependent in first place and have always paid into my pension.
true - I’ve missed out on time with my dc and fancy holidays etc but my priority was always being financially independent in case we separated and I’m so glad I took this route now I’m single.
Always tell my dd to never be financially dependent on a man - she’s witnessed her friends mothers who didn’t work or were part time struggling after divorce but first hand saw me ok.

See again, your DH working pattern. I just don’t understand, why so many women prioritise DH career? Couldn’t he find something more family suitable?

Glad it worked out for you though.

Exactly. I just don’t understand why so many women are comfortable with giving up their career and prioritising DH’s career. Not long ago women couldn’t get mortgages in their own name or bank accounts without their DH knowing/approval. It’s sad to see women put themselves through this then cry poverty when they reach pension age. If you asked a man to give up his career, he’d rather get a divorce than do that.

No, not everyone lives and works in urban / town locations, access to employment in rural areas was much less 30 years ago so he was basically self employed. Earned well though.
But judging the past through the prism of the present never works, I could not have just picked up a part time job around his job as some weeks he was on 24/7 .
Similarly he couldn't have breastfed our 3 DC while I worked. It's nothing to do with the patriarchy, it was just us muddling through the best we could, like thousands of others did and still do.

Also what would have happened if your DH left, would you have expected the state to fund your poor financial choices?

You're a bloke, aren't you?

They weren't poor financial choices, they were a joint decision that worked for us. And if he'd left me, my rights as a married woman plus my ability to work would have meant I wouldn't have needed benefits - other than child benefit.

Or god forbid, he died or got ill - then what?

Insurance and work. Contrary to popular misogynistic opinion on MN, taking a few years out when dc are little doesn't diminish your earning potential.

Also, let me guess you work part time whilst your DH is full time. Screwing your pension

Wrong again. I work full time and my pension is better than his. We're an economic unit and he'll benefit from that.

They are poor financial choices to be a SAHM because you miss career progression, pension and CPD. Why did you return to work, if SAHM is better?

You can make all the excuses you want, the reality is you chose where you wanted to live and no one forced you to be so rural. My point is women should be financially independent and not use men as a meal ticket, then expect government to fund their poor financial choices.

If he worked 24/7, that shows he didn’t prioritise you or your career potential and that’s what is sad. These days men do much more and help out, they do school runs, cook and clean. That’s the way it should be.

And why do you work full time, if SAHM to you is the better option? Just proves my point again, being a SAHM is a bad decision.

What a load of claptrap. Meanwhile in the real world......

Yeah, in the real world I work full time and haven’t taken any gaps. I’ve seen first hand how damaging it is. Never putting myself in that position. I’d rather die.

Yeah, that’s fine. Call me selfish, I really don’t care - I prioritise myself. Not be DH’s beck and call, like a 1950’s slave. No thanks.

Well now your just making shit up - 1950's slave, DH's back and call ??
I was the main earner for 20 years. I am nobody's slave, unfortunately that doesnt fit in with your set ideas , but that's your problem, not mine.

Then, why are you arguing with me? I literally said women should work full time, not be dependent as that’s bad as it fucks up their pension. Men treat them like leaves and don’t do anything domestic. I don’t really get your point or why you replied to me? Like look at what happened to OP after being a SAHM, working for pocket money - she’s fucked in her old age. Poverty. Do you really think women should think like this? All I’m saying is women shouldn’t prioritise dh career, they should have their own aswell and pay into pension. In case if they do split, she can cover all the bills and mortgage. She doesn’t have to suffer. What’s wrong with that?

Hang on, so no man has ever done anything domestic if they have a female partner?
And I believe in choice and doing what works in your particular family situation, THAT is why I'm arguing .

No, if they have a SAHM. They expect her to do all cooking, cleaning and laundry. I’ve seen this first hand in my family so it’s most likely made me very cautious. I don’t believe in choice for women to give up careers, because men don’t do that. They don’t give up to become SAHD. Wonder why that is? Not to mention cost of living crisis. Hard to get jobs as it is.

When I say my family, I mean Indian culture is very patriarchal. Still today in India, girls are expected to cook, clean and do laundry etc birth babies that’s it. There’s nothing more to her. Actively people educate sons instead of daughters because they are no point. Hence financial abuse and SAHM which is what I disagree with.

anonymous, I know loads of people from the Indian sub continent who are well educated and go out to work. They can employ someone to clean. Maybe they do the majority of cooking but their men also cook and often very well.

We should not stereotype. I accept there are women who are expected to do the majority of the chores and child care but that happens amongst the English too.