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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Men not being attracted to obese women

557 replies

itchyhands3 · 20/04/2023 12:50

I've just watched a video by an' expert' emphatically saying that men do not as a rule find obese women attractive unless they have a specific fetish for obese women.

I don't know what to think for I would be considered obese on scales but certainly don't feel I look obese and consider myself relatively attractive and some men have expressed attraction towards me
.
I'm 5'7' and over thirteen and a half stone . Size 14-16 .I am 49.
This has really unsettled me for some reason. How insulting . But is it true ?

OP posts:
HyacinthBookay · 20/04/2023 13:44

FranksOcean · 20/04/2023 13:23

I’m a size 18/20/22 therefore consider obese, morbidly obese even. I have had attractive partners and have one currently. They obviously have found me attractive, must be the boobs and bum! and how I carry myself

Omg! When I am fatter (as I am now) my boobs are fantastic, but when I lose weight they are like (you guessed it) deflated balloons. If only I could lose weight and keep the boobs I'd be happy.

Blossomtoes · 20/04/2023 13:45

My bloke says that sexual attraction resides in the grey fluffy stuff between the ears. Since he’s seen me at size 10 and size 16 and it hasn’t made any difference, I tend to believe him.

FrostyFifi · 20/04/2023 13:45

I think in general people will be more attracted to those that most closely meet societal beauty standards but within that clearly we're all individuals of different ages, sizes, tastes... so I don't think it's useful to say that men do or men don't as if men were a monolith.

Felixss · 20/04/2023 13:46

motherofkevinnotperry · 20/04/2023 13:42

I'm 18-20 and still get the offers of help, interest and men flirting with me, making comments etc.

I do take good care in my presentation and I agree with the post saying it matters. I agree it does.

I took very good care of myself, hair done , makeup etc I did have some much older men opening doors etc and stuff. Now its more conventionally attractive men and its everywhere. It definitely makes a huge difference whether we want to admit it or not. Its a status thing as well men want a slim partner to show off to their peers.

Twinedpeaks · 20/04/2023 13:46

I'm surprised by this. I'm obese (size 18/20) and never get a whiff of attention.

TellMeTheMewth · 20/04/2023 13:48

There are some men who think they speak for all men who have ever existed (looking at you Jordan Peterson) and I also think there's a lot of toxic masculinity style peer pressure on other men to outwardly express an idealised or stereotypical version of woman.

I think plenty of men are genuinely attracted to women of all shapes and sizes. And then many more men are attracted to women they fell in love with whose bodies have changed over time.

Yes, some men fetishize obese women purely for their obesity but some men fetishize petite and skinny bodies too, but we don't go around saying all men who like skinny women are fetishists, do we? So there is some systemic fatphobia at play there.

Another point is obviously historical and cultural differences in the perceived ideal of a woman's body. There's been a huge rise and acceptance of how attractive "thickness" is as trends have moved on from the 90's and early noughties. And again the operative word is trends.

Once thing I will say that flies in the face of that, as unfortunately I do believe there are diminishing returns on this. As you look at bigger and bigger women you will probably get a smaller proportion of men who find them their ideal body type, and a bigger proportion of fetishists, but that goes for literally every physical characteristic possible. It's probably more noticeable with weight though as it's probably one of the largest ranges a human can have physically - you can be very skinny or absolutely massive, and that's not limited by any other factor.

In my personal experience, and I believe this is backed up by some science, is that weight distribution comes into play for determining how attractive a figure is moreso than weight (again up to a point). I've always had an hourglass body with a stupid amount of weight carried on the thighs and hips. I've had much male attention in my life, even at higher weights, and plenty of conventionally very attractive men interested. If you have a straight/apple shape, the excess weight might not be doing anything positive at all.

However I am at my highest weight ever and I do feel I get less attention, but there are also other factors at play so it's not really a truly fair comparison. I'm not saying I expect to have the same amount of attention now at a size 20 as I did at a size 12, but I've gone from having a lot of other stereotypically attractive traits (long hair, styled hair, pretty make up, nice clothes) to sterotypically unattractive traits (short damaged hair from bleaching, no time for makeup or hair styling most days, throwing on leggings and a t shirt because I WFH and don't have to make an effort).

So basically I don't believe for a second men aren't attracted to curvier women, I actually have a bias toward being curvier and find curvier women prettier myself, and I'm obviously not the only person on the planet who would feel this way.

HyacinthBookay · 20/04/2023 13:48

MsCunk · 20/04/2023 13:07

Men shag piles of leaves, exhausted pipes, and jars of peanut butter. Worrying about your own shaggability is a waste of time. Live your life free from the shackles of male approval.

And if you watch Obsession on Netflix you'll see that they also shag cushions. Very vigorously

Kanaloa · 20/04/2023 13:49

I’m slim and I don’t get men falling over themselves ‘everywhere’ to do things for me 😂 maybe I have a hard face! I find sometimes people will be helpful or kind. Most times people are just doing their own thing.

Hocuspocusnonsense · 20/04/2023 13:49

Depends on the man.

I think a lot of men regardless of their own age and weight still want a slim, very attractive and younger woman they can ‘show off’ and they still want their friends to think ‘you lucky fucker!’ I’ve seen it so many times.

Kanaloa · 20/04/2023 13:49

Like when it comes to opening doors I would think it’s pretty unusual for men to be doing it for you ‘everywhere.’ Mostly people just hold the door for the person behind them.

HyacinthBookay · 20/04/2023 13:49

Kanaloa · 20/04/2023 13:49

I’m slim and I don’t get men falling over themselves ‘everywhere’ to do things for me 😂 maybe I have a hard face! I find sometimes people will be helpful or kind. Most times people are just doing their own thing.

Get fat and you'll realise how nice men used to be to you when you were thin.

NameChangedSoYouDontKnowHowBrokenMyHeartIs · 20/04/2023 13:50

I think there are women out there who for what ever reason do not believe they have had interest from men.

If one hasn’t even once been asked on a date in their entire life, what else could it possible mean?
I don’t understand why it seems to be almost a taboo that some women just are left out.
Few commenters tried to be funny and say that men fuck anything, I can promise you this is not true (not that it would be compliment or anything).
But imagine how it feels for somwone like me.
It’s so humiliating.

Felixss · 20/04/2023 13:51

Kanaloa · 20/04/2023 13:49

Like when it comes to opening doors I would think it’s pretty unusual for men to be doing it for you ‘everywhere.’ Mostly people just hold the door for the person behind them.

I've been both fat and thin there's a huge difference in mens attitudes . Put on weight and see what happens.

IcedPurple · 20/04/2023 13:51

What did the 'expert' say about obese men? Do women fancy them? I know I don't.

Princessfuckingpeach · 20/04/2023 13:51

I'm obese and have been my whole life, due to medications I need, less than being a greedy bastard.
Never had a problem.
Never struggled to pull an absolute worldie. I've had sex with models and the occasional actor/rockstar.
Not particularly stunning in the face either.
But I am someone who faked being confident until I was.
Now madly in love with a gorgeous man who all my friends fancy.
Confidence is key and those who don't have it. Pretend.

crosstalk · 20/04/2023 13:52

OP just ignore the ridiculous stuff in the papers especially if it starts "scientific studies show ..... ". As PP have said, it's mostly down to personality and confidence. If you don't like yourself or get blown back by these stupid articles, then why should anyone else? The male type I go for is slim and tall, but I've ended up married to a fat man of average height because he makes me laugh, we enjoy many of the same things etc.

Thesharkradar · 20/04/2023 13:52

It cuts both ways, just as many men are overweight.

MilkshakeEarthquake · 20/04/2023 13:53

Kanaloa · 20/04/2023 13:49

Like when it comes to opening doors I would think it’s pretty unusual for men to be doing it for you ‘everywhere.’ Mostly people just hold the door for the person behind them.

Have you ever been fat? I’ve been both and there is a massive difference in how I’ve been treated. It’s very hard not to notice

AliceTheeCamel · 20/04/2023 13:54

IcedPurple · 20/04/2023 13:51

What did the 'expert' say about obese men? Do women fancy them? I know I don't.

Yep me neither tbh.
That was my first thought on reading this thread, I think it cuts both ways.

Tigofigo · 20/04/2023 13:54

I think anything that changes someone's proportions changes their attractiveness eg they no longer have a defined waist or neck, same when you see very skinny people and their bones protrude and their heads look too big. Neither is attractive on the surface.

But then let's be honest neither is a really big hook nose, wonky small eyes, acne, hunchback etc.

HyacinthBookay · 20/04/2023 13:54

IcedPurple · 20/04/2023 13:51

What did the 'expert' say about obese men? Do women fancy them? I know I don't.

God, I really hate saying this...I want to lie and say that I do fancy obese men, but I don't. I wouldn't go out with an obese man. Seeing myself write that is quite shocking actually - I've never thought about it before. That's pretty awful. Prejudice...

Tigofigo · 20/04/2023 13:55

NameChangedSoYouDontKnowHowBrokenMyHeartIs · 20/04/2023 13:50

I think there are women out there who for what ever reason do not believe they have had interest from men.

If one hasn’t even once been asked on a date in their entire life, what else could it possible mean?
I don’t understand why it seems to be almost a taboo that some women just are left out.
Few commenters tried to be funny and say that men fuck anything, I can promise you this is not true (not that it would be compliment or anything).
But imagine how it feels for somwone like me.
It’s so humiliating.

I've never been asked on a date and have been size 8-12 most of my life

TuesdayJulyNever · 20/04/2023 13:55

I grew up listening to similar advice, mostly from women’s magazines about how men didn’t like “stick insects” and preferred “real women” all while advertising impossible beauty on dangerously thin models.

The more shit they make us feel the more shit we buy, and the more shit we tolerate.

can you tell I’m perimenopausal?

Frankbutchersfangs · 20/04/2023 13:56

I also agree with the comment made by one of the other posters about men negging women to boost their ego - you see it all the time: “scientific research shows women are most attractive to men between 17-25”🙄🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

surely this kind of shit has been done over and over??

Kanaloa · 20/04/2023 13:56

HyacinthBookay · 20/04/2023 13:49

Get fat and you'll realise how nice men used to be to you when you were thin.

Strange men literally aren’t nice to me, thin or not. I don’t experience men bringing packages into the home for me, rushing to open doors, or anything else. I have very few interactions with strange men in public that aren’t them serving me in shops or paying for a bus ticket, or me serving them.

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