Men not being attracted to obese women

[itchyhands3]

I've just watched a video by an' expert' emphatically saying that men do not as a rule find obese women attractive unless they have a specific fetish for obese women.

I don't know what to think for I would be considered obese on scales but certainly don't feel I look obese and consider myself relatively attractive and some men have expressed attraction towards me
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I'm 5'7' and over thirteen and a half stone . Size 14-16 .I am 49.
This has really unsettled me for some reason. How insulting . But is it true ?

I have a lovely friend who is shy, low self esteem etc and never gets asked out by men and is quite down about that. If I told her "cheer up love! men will shag a rusty pipe/animal/gross thing so you'll be fine" I doubt it would do much for her self esteem. Its not about being "offended" its just a stupid reductionist trope that isnt even true

Obviously it isn't true! Are all obese women single!? I think not.

Men are generally more desperate than women and some men have a fat fetish. But on the other hand women can be more understanding and less focused on appearance.

I didn't say you were beautiful. I wouldn't know. The women I have in mind aren't "beautiful" (and nor am I). But they are not ugly. And despite what you're saying here, I really, really don't believe you are either.

I know it's easy to say, but try not to let those arseholes get to you. They are worthless misogynists who will say anything to hurt you. Possibly they weren't attracted to you (did they all look like Chris Hemsworth?) but that doesn't mean a thing. Nobody is attracted to everyone, nobody is attractive to everyone and it's a particular type of arsehole who has to be abusive about it. The exact kind you wouldn't want pursuing you.

I don't think you're at all lacking for wanting a relationship (that's one of the most normal human drives) or pathetic or anything like that. Not at all. Without knowing you, there's only really so much I can say. But I do know that you are not unlovable. And while I can believe you might not be stunning, I don't believe you're ugly.

And I do know that whatever you look like, you have inherent human worth and are enough, as you are.

I always think I look better at a lower weight. I have just gained weight and became anxious about it, feeling that I need to lose it. But for some reason i can’t be bothered this time and I have been thinking lately that I feel “safer” at this weight as though I have a bit of protective padding between me and the world. I don’t want male attention.

I have also started to notice that I have been getting appreciative looks from men and women. I thought I was imagining it but just now I was in the Pret and when I got up to leave a bloke said that I was beautiful to look at. A nice compliment and I’ll take it.

I am not young and I am overweight What is the point of my post? God knows - just an anecdote.

There are some contradictions here. Some say that men are not choosy at all and would shag anything with a heartbeat and then they say that men are shallow and go for good-looking pretty women. So which one is it?

Depends on who you ask.
I’m a swamp monster, never been on a single date or asked for a quick fuck from men, who apparently would fuck pile of leaves and lambs.
So, I’d say men want pretty women.

Pretty, or at least okey looking women get more attention, and that’s why they think men a desperate and anyone, sorry - anything, would do.

Well for a shag, I don’t think the majority of men care. But for a relationship I think they care more about how a woman looks.

I think the underlying issue is that women need to be a lot more choosy about who they have sex with. There is always a risk that he might overpower you and hurt you. Or turn into a menacing stalker who you can't get rid of who then overpowers you and hurts you.
Because it's much less likely to happen the other way around men can afford to be less choosy....they are significantly less likely to suffer any adverse consequences.

Let's say you're right.

You STILL have human worth and are important to the world.

It is so much harder for young people who are generally very looks-obsessed. As you get older the playing field gets levelled: many of the once beautiful become “hideous” compared to what they used to be while the plain Jane’s or what they called in my day the “ugly” ones (which I would have classed myself) come to seem pretty lovely - again in comparison to what they were. In other words everyone is doomed to look hideously ugly at some point in their lives - except for the very beautiful who have those incredible cheekbones. And men become even more hideous than women because women tend to look after themselves better.

so to the person who despairs of meeting someone just be patient.

Addendum: Every single person I know who wants a partner has gained one - regardless of their looks. When that doesn’t happen for someone they are either looking in the wrong place, going after the wrong blokes or have some deep rooted resistance to intimacy.

I'd say it's true. Now that I'm fat I get hardly any male attention whatsoever. I don't think it's insulting more that it's simply a fact. Plus I personally prefer non obese men probably for the same reasons the other way around. It's unattractive being obese. You might be able to pretty your face dress well etc but underneath is a layer of health problems even if they're not obvious yet, they're coming!

Both.

They're as choosy as they can afford to be. So the more they bring to the table the greater their options. Given multiple options they will pick women most attractive to them. Just as women would in reverse. For some men this would mean young slim blonde and pretty, for others it means something else that's in line with their personal taste. The less attractive the man the more limited his options and the less chance he has of getting his ideal. Unless his ideal is his own 'level' of course. Again much like women.

But also different blokes. Some are really fussy about appearance some not so much. Some would always have a fit gf, but they’re not so fussy for a one nighter or a fling.

I get less attention from men when I’m a bit heavier after having a baby (say about 2 stone heavier than my usual weight - which is small tbf). Thinking about why this is, I think it has a lot to do with the fact I don’t wear fitted styles when I feel heavier, although I’ve got bigger breasts and a better bum and I’m less athletic looking when I am heavier. So I definitely think how we exude confidence through lots of different things plays a part in our magnetism or whatever.

I think that if you asked a sample of men to describe their ideal woman, very few of them would include overweight /obese in the description However I don't believe that holds true in their actions and in who the end up with.
I do think weigh dispersion makes a bjg difference ie flat stomach with curvy hips and thighs is more desirable than stomach rolls with skinny legs.

Self confidence ( regardless of size ) is one of the most attractive traits

Its absolutely both. Trashy men with no respect for women, will shag women who they think are unattractive. Or get into a relationship with them and pick at their 'flaws'.

Decent men will respectfully turn down a woman they're not keen on. They'll say ' you're not my type/not looking for anything serious'

Both exist. Men are not one person.

This is still operating under the assumption that men are automatically finding obese women unattractive though.

I do think the word obese does have negative connotations though. Even though in my own head I'm picturing a woman (vainly) like myself who is bigger but has a nice figure and isn't insanely big, when I read it back it feels almost like I'm lying or being delusional! Because the image I have conjured at my own words, even if I didn't mean it to be so, at seeing the word "obese" is someone really massive.

Internalised fatphobia I guess?

Also not many people would choose to use the word obese but I still reckon a decent proportion of men would say things like big boobs, big hips, big thighs.

@NameChangedSoYouDontKnowHowBrokenMyHeartIs

I've read your replies on here and they're really really sad and it shows that you don't think much of yourself.

But (and I'm not being goady) if you're genuinely this unhappy why don't you change that? I'm guessing it's more than half a stone when you replies to PP, but if you don't look after yourself and put the work in. (Groomed hair, clean face, polished nails, nicely fitting clothes, losing weight etc) then you'll just accept the way you are and shut the world out and think everyone hates you and thinks you're fat and ugly.
Help yourself out a bit and instead of telling the world that's what you think about yourself, do something about it.

@NameChangedSoYouDontKnowHowBrokenMyHeartIs

Also you say you won't be blamed or shamed for wanting a partner. You have literally shamed yourself many times over and over on this thread.

If that's how you view yourself, how do you expect others to view you?

Which brings me back to the question, if it's appearance and weight stopping you, why don't you change it.

The only person shaming you here, is you, which is really sad.

This is still operating under the assumption that men are automatically finding obese women unattractive though.

Oh, I was just talking in genera - whoops. Still, some do, some don't.

@DHsPoorBack Yes those 'bodies' we wore under shirts and low tops in 80s and 90s and early 2000sxwere fantastic for those of us who are 'big up top' or a bit baggy round the middle- they may not be fashionable but it's reminded me to google if you can still get them- they really suited me and were great under a slightly too low cut top

That discussion was not in reference to obesity.