Men not being attracted to obese women

[itchyhands3]

I've just watched a video by an' expert' emphatically saying that men do not as a rule find obese women attractive unless they have a specific fetish for obese women.

I don't know what to think for I would be considered obese on scales but certainly don't feel I look obese and consider myself relatively attractive and some men have expressed attraction towards me
.
I'm 5'7' and over thirteen and a half stone . Size 14-16 .I am 49.
This has really unsettled me for some reason. How insulting . But is it true ?

Sometimes I do feel a bit bad/guilty that I've changed so much and he so little appearance-wise. But down that road lies self-hatred, which won't help anyone. So I just remind myself he's more than welcome to take it or leave it, he's not stuck with it.

I assume the point when heterosexual women no longer care whether men find them attractive is the point when either they are already in a relationship that meets their sexual and emotional needs, or they no longer have those needs. If you reached either of those points at 38, then that's good fortune, not an indicator of a superior mindset. Women who still want to have sex with men obviously need to be able to attract one who meets their own standards and who is willing to oblige them. While the second might be easy, the first may not, so its understandable single women who want a man give some thought to these things.

I know plenty of large women who have happy relationships with men. Having said that I have only ever been with very slim men. Men with a really fat beer belly turn me right off, and I debate how exactly they get sight of their genitals or indeed manage to use them for their intended purpose.

OP - you are not obese - you are nicely rounded!

That is exactly what people are saying.
That men aren’t picky and they’d fuck pick-a-gross-thing.
Now if people are saying men would fuck a dirty plastic bag, covered in vomit, how is it supposed to make women who have never had any intrest from any man, ever, feel?
How?

Sigh. Well if people are going to go out of their way to feel offended then they will. If anything, what this is attempting to do is decouple female attractiveness from the validation of men wanting to shag them. That is the end of the telescope you should be looking down, not the one that says 'you're less than a vomit-filled plastic bag'.

Stop measuring yourself against some mythical level of attractiveness, as if that's the only thing that's worthwhile for you as a human being. That's the point.

Essentially what most men, most of the time, look for in terms of sex (practically, not in their fantasies) is availability. If said women who have 'never had any interest from any man, ever' had ever been out clubbing, wearing next to nothing, knocking back shots and feeling guys arses on the dance floor, believe me they would not be running in the opposite direction.

Have you ever heard the one from all those classically 'beautiful ' women who never get asked on dates because the men don't think they;re in with a chance? That is not an issue of attractiveness, but of availability as percieved by men. They think the bar they have to jump will be too high to be worth the effort so they don't bother. Same with very shy women, very reserved women, women who come across as 'too strident/too feminist' (read show an unusual level of self-respect for a woman in our patriarchal culture) - regardless of the level of physical attractiveness, most men will give such challenges a swerve in favour of an easier option.

Obesity is an illness. Ill health is not attractive.

That said, as others have said, men are not exactly picky when it comes to casual sex.

I’d just like to say to this, that I personally donmt care about the sex stuff - don’t really know what the fuss is about, but I do want love and companion, a life partner. And I am missing out, devastatingly so.
I know you have to have sex in order to a man to love you, I’ve made my peace with that.
But still gotta be good looking enough to get it, and if one doesn’t (at least in the beginning) the at least as a woman, you are shit out of luck!

That's just fucking stupid. You can't decouple female attractiveness from men wanting to shag them. Outside of same sex attraction, which is a small minority of the population, that's literally what female attractiveness is. The ability to attract a sexual partner. For most women attractiveness is gaining a man's attraction. Men's attractiveness, again outside of same sex attraction, is direct coupled to making women want to fuck them. It's what those words mean.

This doesn’t make any sense.
The fact that you try to say choose to be offended (?) just makes it clear you’re not understanding anything.

I think @NameChangedSoYouDontKnowHowBrokenMyHeartIs , you are possibly overfixated on the whole 'finding a life partner' thing, possibly because (if I'm reading you right) you haven't had one and therefore may have a very romanticised view of what that's like. And you have pinned your not having a partner on your (self-percieved) lack of sexual attractiveness.

In reality it could just as easily be that you are very shy, or come across as self-sufficient, or in some other way not signalling your availability. Or not, I don't know, I don't know you.

Also in reality, if Mumsnet is anything t go by, the romantic ideal of a life-partner is often very different from the reality, especially for heterosexual women. Love, as it is experienced by women and sold to us via popular culture, is not necessarily the same thing that men feel. Companionship comes with a side order of constant compromise. Life is very long, and sometimes is more easily endured with someone by your side, sometimes that same person can make it much harder.

Anyway I'm waffling now and being called names so I think I'll pack it in. I certainly, at no point, was intending to tell any woman she was less attractive than an exhaust pipe or a vomitty bag, which I would have thought was obvious.

I know we haven't met, so it'll be hard to convince you of this, but I'll bet anything you are NOT hideous.

I know a couple of women who have never had relationships and say they have never had any interest from any men. They are not ugly. But they're bad at flirting and recognising when men are interested.

I've seen men look at them and when I say it's happened, they dismiss it and say I'm imagining it or lying to make them feel better. I'm not.

They aren't very aware of their sexuality and they're not very good at flirting. It's tough.

But they are NOT repulsive and unshaggable. And I really, really, really doubt that you are.

It's in the mindset and external signs. I know you can't think yourself conventionally beautiful, or be someone you're not. But I will bet anything you are not hideous and you have had interest from men...you just didn't see it.

I am so tired of single people being blamed for being single, shamed of being sad of their singleness and then told relationships suck anyway, you’re not missing out, bla bla bla.

Break-up with your partner then, tell everyone to break-up with their partners, let’s all be single then! Prove me it’s not worth having.
Cause you know, it’s better that way or whatever.

Bullshit.
If they are so horrible, why do most people want it / have it / stay?
Again and again and again?

It’s natural and human to want a life partner, I will not be shamed or blamed for it.
Literally everyone around me and most of the population wants it / has it / wants to keep having it.
I will not be made a weirdo of wanting the same thing than the rest of population out here.

Children. Often.

And by all means want it. But then you need to pursue it. Not sitting around waiting for attention from men.

Oh yes and the other reason - finances.

@DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder

I know we haven't met, so it'll be hard to convince you of this, but I'll bet anything you are NOT hideous.

But they are NOT repulsive and unshaggable. And I really, really, really doubt that you are.

It's in the mindset and external signs. I know you can't think yourself conventionally beautiful, or be someone you're not. But I will bet anything you are not hideous and you have had interest from men...you just didn't see it.

I know I jeep repeating myself and I’m sure you mean well.
But this just makes it worse.
I own a mirror, I know what I look like. I’m not going to post a picture or describe how I look.
You just going to have to take my word that it’s bad, really bad.
And it’s painful when people try to deny my lived reality.
I’m not shy Blake Lively who plays stupid and feels sorry for herself just for the sake of it .
Or refuse to see men around me, in my reality men around me don’t see me at all or are rude (”I’m talking to the pretty one” ”move fat ass” list goes on, or ignore me - blanks me totally, like I’m not even there.
I am not blushing beauty who’s just unsure of herself.

I dont think obese men are attractive, I can see why some men wouldnt find obese women attractive.

@IDontWantToBeAPie is your boss Asian? People of different ethnicities can be considered medically obsese at lower weights than others. Higher risk of diabetes at a lower BMI.

Men will always be "un-attracted" to something, unless they're attracted to it.
Some men like slim women, some don't. Some men love women who are muscly, some don't. Some men love overweight women, some don't. Some men love brunettes, some don't. Some men value personality and character over physical appearance, some don't.

Try not to get caught up in being concerned over the wants of men - are you how you want to be? Are you happy in your own skin? That's what should be important - the confidence of someone being comfortable in their own skin is more attractive to me (and many others I'm sure) than someone's size and appearance. My DP has put on a few stone since we got together and although he's in the process of losing this as he'd like to be as fit as he used to be, my love for him hasn't wavered as it's the person I love, and I find that his personality makes him attractive to me both emotionally and physically.

You might personally find it an unattractive quality in a man for him to value a woman's physical size over their overall appearance and personality - those men are unattractive to me in the same way that I, as someone with an underweight BMI and a figure similar to an ironing board, am likely unattractive to people who like curvier woman. Every person has preferences when looking for a partner, likes and dislikes, dealbreakers, things they love and things they dislike, but everyone has different preferences. Plenty of men are in very happy relationships with overweight/obese women and not due to them "fetishising" size as suggested by the expert, but either because it's just the particular body type their find most attractive or even if it's not, they don't value someone's size as an important factor when choosing a partner. Don't let that "expert" get you down OP, it sounds like he has his own issues to work through.

Then, in the nicest way, do something about it if it makes you unhappy.

Crap hair? When was the last time you went to a good hairdresser?

Do you get your nails done? I don't feel put together if my nails look shoddy and chipped. Got a £40 gel nail home set up and I do them once a month watching a film.

Too fat? I've put on half a stone. No excuses here. I've eaten too big portions of dinner for yonks, and loads of left over Easter eggs. My clothes are tight fitting. They then look a bit rubbish. So I can go and buy a new wardrobe and accept the size I am, or I can discipline my eating habits and walk a bit more to shift the weight. If you are very large, it will initially come off very easy. It's the very last bit that's stubborn.

Eyebrow waxes are under a tenner. Eyebrows make a massive difference to your face, and can really perk you up.

Shapewear? What are you wearing as underwear? My clothes fit very differently over the top of my saggy but comfy old maternity support vest bras, than over a proper bra. DM has a few rolls around the midriff and she had these almost leotard looking things she wears under dresses that completely smooth her out.

Then there's the more costly stuff, teeth improvements, fillers, Botox, hell even proper surgery like a nose job or other things that can totally change your appearance. I have Botox and lip filler. I literally look ten years younger for it.

What are you doing to help change what you're unhappy with?

On the one hand, generally men aren’t attracted obese women, and women aren’t attracted to obese men.

But 60% of the U.K. population are now overweight and obese - so comprises have to be made on both sides.

This is so true!

Very true, however the compromises aren't equal!
A pp mentioned that she's into swinging and is overweight, she gets plenty of action and has had a great time. An overweight man would not get lots of attention from women in the same way.

Half a stone?
Are you joking? Is this a joke post?