Men not being attracted to obese women

[itchyhands3]

I've just watched a video by an' expert' emphatically saying that men do not as a rule find obese women attractive unless they have a specific fetish for obese women.

I don't know what to think for I would be considered obese on scales but certainly don't feel I look obese and consider myself relatively attractive and some men have expressed attraction towards me
.
I'm 5'7' and over thirteen and a half stone . Size 14-16 .I am 49.
This has really unsettled me for some reason. How insulting . But is it true ?

I am not bothered about people being rude to me, or not believing me when I tell them things, if I was, I wouldn't be on MN would I! I quite enjoy explaining things, and I know that a lot of people read and are interested - as I read and am interested when people explain things to me. People being rude are just showing their personal problems, and if they want to be rude and remain ignorant, their issue - not mine. It is quite strange how threatened people seem to be by scientific facts though! 😂

I was a maths teacher, I have taught maths for 30 years, I resigned a couple of weeks ago for health reasons, although will still technically be employed until July. I am also a statistician, specialising in virology and genetics, in other words, as free lance I help design experiments, and analyse outcomes, I did this full time before teaching, and part time since, more since lockdown, and more now I am not physically able to teach. All teachers secondary teachers have a speciality, and are expected to keep up to date in it, whether through training or working, or just reading.

I dont mind being asked, stuck in bed, can hardly move, enjoy the chat on MN.

This is the crux of it. Not really a gender issue

Many thanks for answering me again Nimbo. I am very sorry that you are so unwell and are stuck in bed - I am in very similar circumstances as I have various disabilities, but unfortunately I have been bed bound for about 5 years now. It's bloody boring isn't it, the same 4 walls nearly all of the time!? I hope that your illness is one that you can recover from, or at least not be always bed bound with it. I think it is great that your various science qualifications give you some variety and choice in what jobs you can do from bed. 😊

I can completely understand now why you enjoy the ups and downs of Mumsnet so much. Unfortunately my self-esteem is very low, and when I get 'spoken' to the way you have been, I get quite miserable. My posts are nearly always very long, and they often take me over an hour to type, due to two of my disabilities, and then when I check my post before sending I see how many mistakes I have made, which then take an age to correct. I invariably still miss some of them anyway 🙈

I often get "told off" for the length of my posts - I was once quite good at summarising, but my brain is very slow these days, so not only do I find it difficult to says things in a quick and succinct way, I also find word retrieval quite difficult. I frequently have to try and explain to Google the word I am looking for, and in a way that Google can understand well enough to be able to throw up some suggestions for me, which I can then use in an online thesaurus to suggest other words, in the hope that the one I want will show up, or that I will at least find an acceptable alternative for it! 🥵

Once again. I hope you feel better soon Nimbo
🌻🌻🌻

My boss was told she was obese by her doctor. She's a size 10 and runs 10-15k every week. Would he say she counts? No

Wtf..

what a lovely post, thank you! yes, I am very lucky I can do freelance from bed, very lucky indeed. I am sorry you are ill too, and totally sympathise with having to try and google the word you want - happens to me too! ALso, I am typing one handed most of the time, so lots of mistakes for that reason too.

I am sorry people being nasty have spoilt some of mumsnet for you - I really hope you are still able to enjoy it, and skim past the horrible posts without letting them affect you.

Yes, 4 walls get very boring! I hope you get some good days too, and feel better xx

@TheLadyofShalott1 have you tried chat gpt for similar words? It's a language model so should perhaps be better than google.

I have always been 10/12/14 until I had my last baby and got to 20 stone. I wouldn't have expected anyone to find me attractive but a few did including my partner (but that was just because he loved me) and it embarrassed me.. I didn't stay that size for long. I don't personally find fat men attractive so can't expect anyone to find me attractive at that size. But this is just me, I'm glad others are attracted to all shapes and sizes!

The only thing I'm getting from this is that I hope like hell I don't still give enough of a fuck about whether men are attracted to me or not to start a thread about it when I'm 49. I struggle to give a fuck now at 38!

Also tickling the lower end of 'obese' at 5ft6 and 13.5 stone, and I do hate that - not because I'm worried men won't find me attractive, but because my knees hurt and I can't run properly. Hoestly, is there not a point at which we are allowed to just stop giving a fuck what men think? When? Do I have to be drawing my pension?

PS my DP still wants to have sex with me, but I don't for a second delude myself into thinking that means he finds my wobbly, postnatal, size 16 attractive... it's just that I'm his only legitimate option and he likes having sex! The 'exhaust pipes' comment was spot on - a lot of men will sleep with anyone pretty much if they can do so without risk (or sometimes even with). If a man makes the effort to actually talk to you, listen to you, make any kind of effort for you... that's a far more reliable indicator of attraction than whether he wants to stick his dick in you.

Can you please stop saying men fuck pipes
and animals?
For second try and imagine how it feels to be told you are worse than rusty pipe and a farm animal?
Have some human kidness.

Much bigger and I probably would be put off though - even if I found them physically attractive, I doubt their lifestyle is going to be compatible with mine. I did date a larger lady for a while, she was easily size 20 odd (22-24 at a guess), about 5' 4". I genuinely tried to see beyond her size, and give it a fair chance, and if we'd really clicked personality wise I think I could have been able to disregard her weight and health issues. I'm no althlete, but I do live an active lifestyle. So when a 30 year old gets out of breath climbing the stairs, has constant knee and hip pains, and won't even walk 200 yards up the road (driving instead), that's majorly off putting. I just kept thinking that if she's got these health problems at this age, what's she going to be like in 20 years time

I 100% agree with this. I wouldnt classify size 14-16 as "obese" either. But totally agree that if someone is morbidly obese then I wouldnt date them. Its not just about looks- why are people assuming its just this alone?, its also about lifestyle/compatibility too and we just wouldnt be compatible. I am also very active and enjoy an active lifestyle and being with someone who shares that. I wouldnt be happy living a sedentary lifestyle which would mean I'd be doing lots of things on my own if they were unable to participate. Thats not what I want from a relationship, I like to share experiences with the person I am dating.

No-one is saying someone is 'worse'. Just that men wanting to fuck you has no bearing on your attractiveness (not even subjectively to them!).

PS my DP still wants to have sex with me, but I don't for a second delude myself into thinking that means he finds my wobbly, postnatal, size 16 attractive... it's just that I'm his only legitimate option and he likes having sex!

What would he have to do to convince you that he still thinks you're sexy?

Postnatal feels awful, I know, but even after you recover, both of you will continue to change as you get older. Do you think he'll never find you attractive again and even now he is just using you for sex? Will you stop finding him attractive as he gets older?

No, I hadn't heard of it, but I will try it next time, thanks x

Yeah but its not true is it? I know plenty of men who have turned people down for sex. Buying into a stereotype that men will shag anything no matter how disgusting (eg pipes or leaves or whatever) isnt very complimentary towards women either. You could conclude from that, that any man who has shagged a woman found them as gross as a sheep. Its hardly kind to either gender.

Thanks @Nimbostratus100 😊 xx

I bet he does find you attractive. Are you still attracted to him with extra weight and aging?

PS my DP still wants to have sex with me, but I don't for a second delude myself into thinking that means he finds my wobbly, postnatal, size 16 attractive... it's just that I'm his only legitimate option and he likes having sex!

That's horrible Does he do or say things to make you think this or is it just resulting from low self esteem?

I wouldn't be able to have sex with somebody if I thought for a moment they were not attracted to me!

😂

To be honest I don't think physical attraction matters significantly in a long term committed relationship - I mean if you are repulsed by someone or some aspect of someone that's a problem, but otherwise, IME, you don't maintain that 'phwoar' feeling even if the other person doesn't change physically significantly (cue a host of people coming to tell me how much they still want to rip their DH's clothes off, but anyway).

I've said what would indicate 'attraction' to me (especially in the context of a LTR): real engagement, listening, talking. I suffer with a low libido (at least in part due to ME finding the way by bigger body looks and sounds during sex rather offputting) but if we manage to spend an evening actually communicating, rather than off in the house doing our own thing or slumped together in front of the TV, then I find sex a much more natural event, because it's not about pretending we are both desperately overcome with physical desire for each other's bodies, but that we are continuing down a path already taken towards closeness, intimacy, knowledge of each other, and sex is another way of intensifying that.

The two aren't mutually exclusive though, it sounds quite depressing to believe that you are hands down no longer physically attractive to your partner and just have sex because you're otherwise close.

You can still have sex due to physically attraction and because of LTR intimacy. Have you had a chat with your DP about how unattractive you feel in his eyes?

It's not really horrible - it's a result of common sense, viz, that if he was sexually attracted to my body when I was 21, firm, slim (thought I was fat of course as all 21 year olds do), with good clear skin and a very high sex drive, it doesn't make sense that he would be attracted to my overweight, achy, flabby, tired body which is frankly more often than not not in the mood.

As I say for me, physical desire isn't the be all and end all in a committed relationship. If he'd put on about 4 stone in the time we've been together, or gone bald, it wouldn't have bothered me (as it is he's still incredibly slim and youthful, must have some portrait in the attic rotting visibly :P). When we got together he had long lovely hair, which is one of my big ticks for finding a man sexy. He's cut it off now. Doesn't matter. Because I don't expect to be all fizzing with horniness 15 years into the relationship with two small kids to look after. Call me unambitious if you will.

He doesn't say or do anything to make me feel like he doesn't like my body, quite the opposite. I know he wants to have sex with me, because he wants to have sex, with me. That doesn't mean he find my body, as it currently is, attractive, and it would be ridiculous to suppose he did really. If that was his type, he'd have never got together with 21 year old me!

No because it isn't a problem for me. How I feel about my body is a lot more important to me. He isn't obliged to have sex with me if he doesn't want to, so how he feels about it is not particularly relevant. Whereas I have to live in here.

As I say he's barely changed in 15 years - cut off his long hippy hair and grown a beard (miss the hair, like the beard!) but remained very skim and looks generally exactly the same as he always did. That'll be the 'not bearing two children', if only they sold that in Superdrug :P