Grown up stepdaughter disowned me

[2marriages1love]

Hi
12 yeas ago I met a man who was separating from his partner.
I had known him 26 years previously - we had a brief affair. We both had partners and I had two children.
cut a long story short, we were going to leave our partners but one of my boys has Cerebral Palsy and my Ex threatened to financially cut me off if I left him (he ran his own business)
so we stopped the affair and that was that. The man I had the affair with had told his partner and, naturally she was furious. I actually wrote her a letter apologising and explained my feelings. She blamed me 100%.
They went on to have two daughters.
i tried to leave my husband many times as I was so unhappy but he was coercive, controlling and had a level of passive aggression you could not fathom.
Bear with me.
I eventually left my husband who I will refer to as S.
The man I had the affair with found out - I will call him B.
B came looking for me and tried and tried to get me to meet with him as he and his partner had agreed to split.
i kept refusing - I guess I was scared of getting back into a relationship.
eventually I gave in, we met up and it was as though no time had passed and we fell straight back in love.
B’s daughters were 4 and 11 at the time. Mine were grown up.
B moved in with me. His Ex kept asking who his new partner was. He avoided telling her for a while but when she found out it was me she was apoplectic and decided she wanted him back. There was a lot of manipulation and he kept going back to her because of the children and then couldn’t bear to be without me so would move back in with me. This went on a bit.
Meanwhile I had met his girls and we got on really well, particularly the older one. She could be a bit of a diva and was a little histrionic like her mother but she was clever, funny and came to our wedding when B and I married. She moved in with us and refused to speak to her mother for six months. No idea why.
Part of her drama was pretending to be afraid of dogs. I had one at the time and she got used to her and would walk her in the lead.
one day she decided to go back and live with her mother and sister (I had encouraged her continuously to try and keep contact - you only have one mum, blah blah)
B and I bought a brand new house together. My dog had got run over a couple of years previously, it was devastating. The girls continued to visit on weekends.
We decided to get a puppy and B sent pictures of it to his girls.
All Hell let loose. I began getting viscous texts from the older daughter which began with “well you got your new house and now you have a dog which is the cherry in the cake” she went on to bombard me with horrible messages stating that I knew she did not like dogs and basically she would never forgive me. Arguments went on between her and her father and for two years they did not speak until one day her mother phoned B and said she had enough of this division and that she felt they should reconcile. Reconcile they did. However I was still the bad guy and she would not speak to me for a further 9 years.
meanwhile, whilst living at home with a mother who supposedly hated dogs and with a supposed dog phobia that had caused such a massive rift, she bought herself a puppy.
Now this made me quite angry and I told B this.
However he continued as if nothing had happened (although he did agree that they had made themselves look rather stupid) and he and the girls met up regularly.
When B turned 50 I arranged a huge family get together with his family. I texted the elder daughter and asked if she would come. She replied she would come “purely for his sake”. Ok. The day went well but despite me trying to make conversation with her this daughter made Zero effort. She is now 21.
i have heard nothing since.
The crux of my issues with this is that I can’t stop being angry that B and his daughter carry on as if in parallel worlds. He has never pulled her up on the hypocrisy of getting a dog, her previous behaviour and how badly she treated me.
When she lived with us I completely went out of my way to support her, help her with homework, projects etc. Pick her up from school. Take her clothes shopping. She even started her period when she was estranged from her mother and I bought her a “happy grown up present” of some Gucci perfume and looked after her.
I want to know how to stop being angry - couple counselling helped a bit but I feel unsupported by B for playing happy families after the huge hurt she caused me.
He says I overreact- maybe I do?
I know he loves me to bits and I adore him but I just want this angry upset to go away.
Any advice would be appreciated.
Sorry for the long post but this was a quarter of a century in the making!

I understand your frustration but tbh why worry now. All the previous history is water under the bridge. I’d just be glad that someone who can be so dramatic & inconsistent wasn’t in my life anymore as no doubt something else would crop up in due course for her to take exception to. She’s an adult & her relationship with her DF doesn’t have to affect you as he can have one separately now she’s an adult. Men are usually rubbish at handling this kind of dynamics, usually anything for a quiet life & you said you adore each other so try to move on & forget about it

I think you forgot the TL;DR which is ultimately “I was the woman that my now partner had an affair with and as a result his daughter can’t stand me and wants nothing to do with me.”

The rest is all static. You can hardly expect her to feel differently, however hard you later tried to make her like you. This is just something you have to accept is the outcome of the affair. Encourage your partner to try to rebuild whatever relationship he can with his daughter, and stay out of it yourself.

I think you forgot the TL;DR which is ultimately “I was the woman that my now partner had an affair with and as a result his daughter can’t stand me and wants nothing to do with me.”

This tbh. His relationship with his daughter has nothing to do with you really. They're adults. You don't need to be involved. She doesn't like you, which is fair enough.

You say you feel unsupported by B but what is it you want him to do? He's her dad and will always want a relationship with her even if she doesn't like you. Would you like him to cut her out?

I would just let them get on with it, it's nothing to do with you.

You say that she's dramatic "like her mother". You had an affair with the woman's husband then he went backwards and forwards between you both. I think I'd be dramatic too.

It must have been really upsetting and confusing for his children to grow up stuck in the middle of this mess. Of course she's angry!

Her father is just as bad but he's still her father so it will be easier to blame you. She's an adult now and there's no need for you to be involved with her. Just leave her and her father to have a relationship.
You think he should take your side but he probably feels guilty for the way he behaved when she was growing up and needs to make it up to her and so he should!

You had an affair with her father and contributed hugely to her parents splitting up. You’ll never be her best friend.

She really doesn't owe you anything, what exactly to you want your partner to do?

You can't see why this man's daughter doesn't like you/doesn't want to have anything to do with you when you broke up her parent's marriage and continued to be a source of conflict thereafter?

Words fail. 🙄

You helped a girl for a short time who was probably only there because she felt abandoned (repeatedly) by her father and therefore wanted to be near him, even though he (and you) was the issue. She blamed her mother and didn't speak to her for 6 months because her mother was safe to do this to. Her father wasn't because he kept leaving and coming back.

This small amount of entry level 'parenting' you think entitles you to forget ruining her life.

Seek family therapy to understand how she feels. You need an empathy chip installed. Yours has malfunctioned.

Well the daughter didn't seem to be that angry about the father and OPs relationship when it suited her, when she was ignoring her own mother and being 100 percent supported in all ways by the OP. Another instance of father's new wife being made to feel like the paid help and second class add on by everyone including her soppy DH.

I feel unsupported by B for playing happy families after the huge hurt she caused me.

What do you feel is the alternative? He’s already lost her for 2 years and there’s been high levels of drama from all involved, he’s not going to jeopardise things now she’s speaking to him again. He’s not trying to force a relationship between you or expecting you to forgive her. He’s just carrying on seeing his daughter, which doesn’t really cost you much.

In what way does he think you’re being dramatic? Are you telling him not to see her? Demanding an apology from her? Asking him to choose between you or putting conditions on his relationship with her? It’s not clear.

Be thankful she’s cut you off. What exactly do you want with her? Nothing presumably - so everyone’s a winner.

This is a fundamental misunderstnding of child psychology.

Children sometimes cling to people they don't trust, who they can't rely on (OP and her father). They push trusted people away (the mother). Because they know those people won't reject them.

Poor confused kid.

He is quite right to continue to have a relationship with her while removing you from the equation. She is his daughter, she will always be more important than you and that’s the way it should be. You and his daughter don’t need to have anything to do with her and it’s cruel to try and make her father choose you over her by saying he needs to support you.

I am nearly always on the side of the stepmum because they tend to take alot of shit but my god, you and your DP have managed to fuck up the lives of so many people over the course of the years. Do you think you can act like you have and everyone will play nicely? You are tone deaf and there is no advice I can give. For once I am actually going to say to a stepmother... Suck. It. Up. Pray that his children start to heal, for their sakes not yours.

Maybe she grew up and understood more about what happened and the affair and decided she wanted nothing to do with you.
As a teen she might not have fully understood what happened.

It sounds quite traumatic having your dad moving in and out of your family home all the time.

I understand the dog thing not making any sense but when you look at the bigger picture, it's understandable she doesn't want to play happy families with you.

It’s you not the dog. Her father cheated on her mother with you and broke up the family to live with you.

I can’t quite get my head around the self-centeredness of talking about hurt/anger over how badly she treated you. This can’t be serious?

I can see why you’re angry but what else could B do? He wants to Mai rain a relationship with his DD and as mentioned goes along for an easy life. I guess he doesn’t want to be on the receiving end of her rath.

She sounds like someone I wouldn’t want in my life so ignore and move on and live your life. You can’t control those around you, only your behaviour and your reaction to their behaviour. So rise above and fuck it.

Maintain

I get being upset at what’s happened but after not seeing his daughter for a period of time I also understand why he wouldn’t want to rock the boat with her

I feel unsupported by B for playing happy families after the huge hurt she caused me

Has it really not occurred to you that she felt unsupported and hugely hurt by her dad when he fucked off and messed them around coming and going?

He’s still her dad, she wants to maintain a relationship with him so she choses to forgive him or at least overlook his behaviour. But she doesn’t owe you anything.

This is exactly what I was going to say. When I was young I would happily visit my father and the woman he left my DM for. As I got older and started to understand the hurt and disruption they caused I became less inclined to play nice.

Don't put DH in the position of being in the middle between you, that won't help.

I have some sympathy for you but clearly the girl and her mother are always going to be against you and you need to just accept it tbh. The details of who does what are irrelevant. You are the other woman and they won't ever forgive you.

Don't let it cause a rift between you and DH. She's an adult now and will hopefully soon be too wrapped up in her own life to keep winding you up.

I don’t like dogs terribly myself, I’m scared of some breeds and not others. She overcame her dislike of one dog for her dad’s sake, then it died, and rather than considering her and buying a cat or a rabbit you got another one so she had to go through the process all over again. Later as she was older she may have been around dogs more and perhaps found a breed she liked and wasn’t scared of and got one for herself. That’s ok. Children are allowed to grow up and change their mind. She doesn’t owe you dog-liking any more than she owes you friendship.

This has hit the nail on the head 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻