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Original poster

Grown up stepdaughter disowned me

146 replies

2marriages1love · 19/04/2023 14:45

Hi
12 yeas ago I met a man who was separating from his partner.
I had known him 26 years previously - we had a brief affair. We both had partners and I had two children.
cut a long story short, we were going to leave our partners but one of my boys has Cerebral Palsy and my Ex threatened to financially cut me off if I left him (he ran his own business)
so we stopped the affair and that was that. The man I had the affair with had told his partner and, naturally she was furious. I actually wrote her a letter apologising and explained my feelings. She blamed me 100%.
They went on to have two daughters.
i tried to leave my husband many times as I was so unhappy but he was coercive, controlling and had a level of passive aggression you could not fathom.
Bear with me.
I eventually left my husband who I will refer to as S.
The man I had the affair with found out - I will call him B.
B came looking for me and tried and tried to get me to meet with him as he and his partner had agreed to split.
i kept refusing - I guess I was scared of getting back into a relationship.
eventually I gave in, we met up and it was as though no time had passed and we fell straight back in love.
B’s daughters were 4 and 11 at the time. Mine were grown up.
B moved in with me. His Ex kept asking who his new partner was. He avoided telling her for a while but when she found out it was me she was apoplectic and decided she wanted him back. There was a lot of manipulation and he kept going back to her because of the children and then couldn’t bear to be without me so would move back in with me. This went on a bit.
Meanwhile I had met his girls and we got on really well, particularly the older one. She could be a bit of a diva and was a little histrionic like her mother but she was clever, funny and came to our wedding when B and I married. She moved in with us and refused to speak to her mother for six months. No idea why.
Part of her drama was pretending to be afraid of dogs. I had one at the time and she got used to her and would walk her in the lead.
one day she decided to go back and live with her mother and sister (I had encouraged her continuously to try and keep contact - you only have one mum, blah blah)
B and I bought a brand new house together. My dog had got run over a couple of years previously, it was devastating. The girls continued to visit on weekends.
We decided to get a puppy and B sent pictures of it to his girls.
All Hell let loose. I began getting viscous texts from the older daughter which began with “well you got your new house and now you have a dog which is the cherry in the cake” she went on to bombard me with horrible messages stating that I knew she did not like dogs and basically she would never forgive me. Arguments went on between her and her father and for two years they did not speak until one day her mother phoned B and said she had enough of this division and that she felt they should reconcile. Reconcile they did. However I was still the bad guy and she would not speak to me for a further 9 years.
meanwhile, whilst living at home with a mother who supposedly hated dogs and with a supposed dog phobia that had caused such a massive rift, she bought herself a puppy.
Now this made me quite angry and I told B this.
However he continued as if nothing had happened (although he did agree that they had made themselves look rather stupid) and he and the girls met up regularly.
When B turned 50 I arranged a huge family get together with his family. I texted the elder daughter and asked if she would come. She replied she would come “purely for his sake”. Ok. The day went well but despite me trying to make conversation with her this daughter made Zero effort. She is now 21.
i have heard nothing since.
The crux of my issues with this is that I can’t stop being angry that B and his daughter carry on as if in parallel worlds. He has never pulled her up on the hypocrisy of getting a dog, her previous behaviour and how badly she treated me.
When she lived with us I completely went out of my way to support her, help her with homework, projects etc. Pick her up from school. Take her clothes shopping. She even started her period when she was estranged from her mother and I bought her a “happy grown up present” of some Gucci perfume and looked after her.
I want to know how to stop being angry - couple counselling helped a bit but I feel unsupported by B for playing happy families after the huge hurt she caused me.
He says I overreact- maybe I do?
I know he loves me to bits and I adore him but I just want this angry upset to go away.
Any advice would be appreciated.
Sorry for the long post but this was a quarter of a century in the making!

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 19/04/2023 20:13

I imagine by now she knows of the first affair and may have deduced she and her sister basically exist because her father’s affair partner had a child with cerebral palsy. That’s a heavy burden. And a lot to get over.

sugarspices · 19/04/2023 20:29

I'd say she'll get over it eventually however she's already held this grudge for an awfully long time. At 21 she's still got a lot of growing up to do. It's probably easier for her to blame you for the family breakdown/her ignoring her mum, than it is to blame her father. Don't let it come between you and your husband.

HermioneWeasley · 19/04/2023 20:37

After the hurst SHE’S caused YOU?

Are you serious?

monsteramunch · 19/04/2023 20:40

There was a lot of manipulation and he kept going back to her because of the children and then couldn’t bear to be without me so would move back in with me. This went on a bit.

Sorry but what a rubbish dad to have done this back and forth. Poor kids. I don't know how you could have continued to find him attractive when he was doing that.

Pashy · 19/04/2023 20:46

Imagine being this much of a victim in life.

Here’s a handy tip, OP; when you fuck a man and break up his family, the impacted children won’t be your besties.

CatherinedeBourgh · 19/04/2023 20:47

People are getting the order wrong. The way OP tells it she did not have an affair when he had two daughters, he had an affair before they had any. She then got together with him again when he was split up from his wife after they had had the dc.

That said, you cannot resent your dh for having a relationship with his adult dc even if they don't want to have a relationship with you. They are not obliged to see you, they can see their father away from you. You cannot gatekeep his relationships, particularly with his family, and if you have any desire to do so you need to have a good hard think about why this is. It's not part of a healthy relationship.

wineNcheeseifYplease · 19/04/2023 20:47

ComtesseDeSpair · 19/04/2023 14:55

I think you forgot the TL;DR which is ultimately “I was the woman that my now partner had an affair with and as a result his daughter can’t stand me and wants nothing to do with me.”

The rest is all static. You can hardly expect her to feel differently, however hard you later tried to make her like you. This is just something you have to accept is the outcome of the affair. Encourage your partner to try to rebuild whatever relationship he can with his daughter, and stay out of it yourself.

I also agree with this. Stop framing everything as you being the victim.

Frith2013 · 19/04/2023 20:56

I'm sure they were histrionic, by the time you and your fancy man had ruined their mental health.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/04/2023 20:59

She then got together with him again when he was split up from his wife after they had had the dc.

I think he was 'split up' not split up.

PaintedEgg · 19/04/2023 21:14

Some people won't like you even if they are in some degree in your life - and being an affair partner of her father is something she is perfectly entitled to dislike you for. A child seeking presence / help from her parent does not mean she needs to forgive or even like said parent's partner.

Leave it be, she owes you no gratitude or forgiveness, and we're all villains in someone else's story

ComtesseDeSpair · 19/04/2023 21:16

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/04/2023 20:59

She then got together with him again when he was split up from his wife after they had had the dc.

I think he was 'split up' not split up.

Yup. “B came looking for me and tried and tried to get me to meet with him as he and his partner had agreed to split.“

I’d bet my house that if you asked B’s then partner about this that she was totally unaware this is what they’d “agreed.”

Atethehalloweenchocs · 19/04/2023 21:19

I think you are getting a hard time here, and that your partner needs to lay down the law with his daughter. Not about the past - you have to let that go - but in terms of how she treats you, he needs to expect that she is civil.

Pashy · 19/04/2023 21:22

he needs to expect that she is civil

Why?

ComtesseDeSpair · 19/04/2023 21:27

Atethehalloweenchocs · 19/04/2023 21:19

I think you are getting a hard time here, and that your partner needs to lay down the law with his daughter. Not about the past - you have to let that go - but in terms of how she treats you, he needs to expect that she is civil.

She’s an adult who has the agency to choose who she spends time with. She doesn’t want to spend time with the OP or pretend to like her so presumably feels it best all round that they just don’t see each other. It seems to be the OP, who wants her partner to punish his adult daughter for her childhood behaviour over some literal shaggy dog story who is behaving uncivilly.

Irritateandunreasonable · 19/04/2023 21:30

He went back and forth between two women, because he couldn’t choose. What ever lies he’s told you he told her the same - which were brilliant and convincing because you both embarrassingly blame each other.

Of course she hates you - you’re not the victim in this, she is. She turned to you as a confused, vulnerable teen, she owes you nothing. You had a huge part to play in the breakdown of her family, you and her Dad.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/04/2023 21:34

This sounds like a bloody soap opera. So you and ‘DH’ are both liars and cheats, have gone backwards and forwards and you wonder why his daughter doesn’t want to be best friends with you!? Get a grip!

mybeautifuloak · 19/04/2023 21:34

ComtesseDeSpair · 19/04/2023 14:55

I think you forgot the TL;DR which is ultimately “I was the woman that my now partner had an affair with and as a result his daughter can’t stand me and wants nothing to do with me.”

The rest is all static. You can hardly expect her to feel differently, however hard you later tried to make her like you. This is just something you have to accept is the outcome of the affair. Encourage your partner to try to rebuild whatever relationship he can with his daughter, and stay out of it yourself.

Wrong. Your version missed out the enormous long but where the girl didn't die am with her own dm and lived with the OP very happily. But that messes with your self righteousness rhetoric

mybeautifuloak · 19/04/2023 21:36

Famzonhol · 19/04/2023 15:27

You had an affair with her father and contributed hugely to her parents splitting up. You’ll never be her best friend.

I think you read a different post. The two of them went there separate ways. He had two dc. They only got together years later when OP has split and dh and the ex were in the process of splitting. Nothing to do wit the OP

PaintedEgg · 19/04/2023 21:37

mybeautifuloak · 19/04/2023 21:34

Wrong. Your version missed out the enormous long but where the girl didn't die am with her own dm and lived with the OP very happily. But that messes with your self righteousness rhetoric

Show quote history

sounds like they lived at the same house

besides, hindsight is a wonderful thing - you can look back at your life and realise that someone who was nice to you was also a root cause of a lot of drama in your life and not want to see their face ever again unless absolutely necessary

GulfCoastBeachGirl · 19/04/2023 21:37

Atethehalloweenchocs · 19/04/2023 21:19

I think you are getting a hard time here, and that your partner needs to lay down the law with his daughter. Not about the past - you have to let that go - but in terms of how she treats you, he needs to expect that she is civil.

"Lay down the law"? To a 21 year old woman? Ridiculous.

His daughter doesn't want a relationship with the OP, and that's her prerogative. Having her jellyfish of a father, who bounced in and out of her life like a human pingpong ball, " lay down the law" is preposterous. He's lucky she's willing to have a relationship with him, frankly.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 19/04/2023 21:37

Because decent human beings treat each other civilly? She does not have to be in touch if she does not want to be. But if she does see her dad, she has to be polite to his wife.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 19/04/2023 21:41

And yes, lay down the law. Set limits. Call what you like. I know MN does not like step parents, and defend bad behaviour because, frankly, a lot of people on here dont seem to understand basic manners. But the behaviour being described is ridiculous.

GulfCoastBeachGirl · 19/04/2023 21:45

@Atethehalloweenchocs But the OP hasn't said that his daughter has been rude to her. The daughter doesn't appear to want any contact with the OP.

I do of course agree that any contact they may have should be civil. They are both adults and should conduct themselves as such. Absolutely.

Seas164 · 19/04/2023 21:46

This situation will continue to piss you off until the day you can see that you're not the victim at the centre of it.

Accept that what happened was a mess, and it impacted the children far more than it did you, you were the adults, they were dragged along behind you. What went on while you all chopped and changed and made your minds up has had life long ramifications for them.

How about you support your DH to salvage the best relationship he can after all that's happened with his DC, and maybe try to show some grace and awareness, because there's not much of either in what you've written.

woodenfork · 19/04/2023 22:15

Once you make a decision to have an affair then to the other people involved, ie the ex and her daughters, you will always be a bad person. Plain and simple.
It makes no difference whatsoever whether you are kind and a good person in every other aspect of your life, you will remain the person that caused them pain.
I think that if you knowingly choose yourself and your own feelings and desires over the feelings of others, then you should own that choice and understand that you can't have it both ways. You can't prioritise yourself and expect those you hurt to like you.