Grown up stepdaughter disowned me

[2marriages1love]

Hi
12 yeas ago I met a man who was separating from his partner.
I had known him 26 years previously - we had a brief affair. We both had partners and I had two children.
cut a long story short, we were going to leave our partners but one of my boys has Cerebral Palsy and my Ex threatened to financially cut me off if I left him (he ran his own business)
so we stopped the affair and that was that. The man I had the affair with had told his partner and, naturally she was furious. I actually wrote her a letter apologising and explained my feelings. She blamed me 100%.
They went on to have two daughters.
i tried to leave my husband many times as I was so unhappy but he was coercive, controlling and had a level of passive aggression you could not fathom.
Bear with me.
I eventually left my husband who I will refer to as S.
The man I had the affair with found out - I will call him B.
B came looking for me and tried and tried to get me to meet with him as he and his partner had agreed to split.
i kept refusing - I guess I was scared of getting back into a relationship.
eventually I gave in, we met up and it was as though no time had passed and we fell straight back in love.
B’s daughters were 4 and 11 at the time. Mine were grown up.
B moved in with me. His Ex kept asking who his new partner was. He avoided telling her for a while but when she found out it was me she was apoplectic and decided she wanted him back. There was a lot of manipulation and he kept going back to her because of the children and then couldn’t bear to be without me so would move back in with me. This went on a bit.
Meanwhile I had met his girls and we got on really well, particularly the older one. She could be a bit of a diva and was a little histrionic like her mother but she was clever, funny and came to our wedding when B and I married. She moved in with us and refused to speak to her mother for six months. No idea why.
Part of her drama was pretending to be afraid of dogs. I had one at the time and she got used to her and would walk her in the lead.
one day she decided to go back and live with her mother and sister (I had encouraged her continuously to try and keep contact - you only have one mum, blah blah)
B and I bought a brand new house together. My dog had got run over a couple of years previously, it was devastating. The girls continued to visit on weekends.
We decided to get a puppy and B sent pictures of it to his girls.
All Hell let loose. I began getting viscous texts from the older daughter which began with “well you got your new house and now you have a dog which is the cherry in the cake” she went on to bombard me with horrible messages stating that I knew she did not like dogs and basically she would never forgive me. Arguments went on between her and her father and for two years they did not speak until one day her mother phoned B and said she had enough of this division and that she felt they should reconcile. Reconcile they did. However I was still the bad guy and she would not speak to me for a further 9 years.
meanwhile, whilst living at home with a mother who supposedly hated dogs and with a supposed dog phobia that had caused such a massive rift, she bought herself a puppy.
Now this made me quite angry and I told B this.
However he continued as if nothing had happened (although he did agree that they had made themselves look rather stupid) and he and the girls met up regularly.
When B turned 50 I arranged a huge family get together with his family. I texted the elder daughter and asked if she would come. She replied she would come “purely for his sake”. Ok. The day went well but despite me trying to make conversation with her this daughter made Zero effort. She is now 21.
i have heard nothing since.
The crux of my issues with this is that I can’t stop being angry that B and his daughter carry on as if in parallel worlds. He has never pulled her up on the hypocrisy of getting a dog, her previous behaviour and how badly she treated me.
When she lived with us I completely went out of my way to support her, help her with homework, projects etc. Pick her up from school. Take her clothes shopping. She even started her period when she was estranged from her mother and I bought her a “happy grown up present” of some Gucci perfume and looked after her.
I want to know how to stop being angry - couple counselling helped a bit but I feel unsupported by B for playing happy families after the huge hurt she caused me.
He says I overreact- maybe I do?
I know he loves me to bits and I adore him but I just want this angry upset to go away.
Any advice would be appreciated.
Sorry for the long post but this was a quarter of a century in the making!

"She could be a bit of a diva and was a little histrionic like her mother"
Jesus, you had an affair with the woman's husband and you say this about her. I can understand why his DD isn't your no1 fan, you certainly aren't coming across well in this whole scenario

Thank you for your responses.
i actually feel quite relieved that most of you have told me to suck it up.
But I just wanted to make something clear - this man and I had an affair 8 years before either of these children were born.
The second time we met and got together, both he and his partner had separated and their relationship was OVER, by her choice. She asked him to get out and find a bedsit near to their home so he would be able to be available when required.
But thank you - you have put everything in perspective.
i feel a little hurt by the comment that I need an “empathy chip” installed. Throughout the 6 months the daughter lived with us - and at my suggestion - we went to family therapy in order for her to be able to understand and come to terms with the situation we were all in and to try and encourage her to see her mother.
I also encouraged her and her father to try to reconcile when they weren’t speaking.
i never want him to “cut her out” - that’s ridiculous.
i think all I want deep down is some acknowledgment from him of how hurt I felt.
For now, thank you. It’s nothing to do with me. I’m

OP the detail around the affair is irrelevant. He cheated on their mum with you. It's fine to want B to recognise your pain but that needs to be in private. Not pulling his dd up on something which happened when she was a kid.

If she is civil and polite when she has to be then that is all she has to be. She is an adult and responsible for her own life.
She will possibly improve.

No wonder his DD wants nothing to do with you. I wouldn't either. I have zero sympathy.

She's understandably angry - if I were her I wouldn't have anything to do with your dh either.

You broke up her mum and dad and whole family - of course now she’s old enough to understand she’s going to be angry with you.

Now is when you both own up to your actions and speak to them like adults, apologise and try your best to move on.

But to be clear, you need to apologise to your step children - not the other way round.

Oh sorry just read your latest update!

Because???

Again, I did not split their family up. They had separated. I’m not sure why nobody is getting this - they had split - through her choice- she has her own partner - we got together a year after they split.
I am happy to acknowledge everything everyone is saying but he came looking for me. I ignored him for a year. She was happy for them to separate.

It feels like too much drama you've tried just ignore it. I wouldn't have gotten back with the guy the second time around.

Split them up or not which I agree u didn't do as they had kids after your affair...a stepmother is always stereotyped as someone who is 'evil' and broke h Yh e family apart. They're not your kids. Let it be.

Goodness op. She was young and angry at the situation, it was never about rhe dog, get over it and move on and try to have some empathy for children in a difficult situation.

She was happy for them to separate but not to have wasted a decade of her life with a man who was pining after you for that whole time.

If he cheated on you, you forgave him and then a decade later found out he was with the OW, would you believe they'd had no contact for that whole time? I wouldn't.

This.

Her dad knows this and that’s why he won’t say much.

Shit dad, shit partner. You can’t really be surprised OP. He’s a coward who had an affair and fucked his kids up. Now he’s making you miserable too. What a catch.

I've got 3 DSS. All grown up now but I'm only close to 2. I couldn't care less about the one who doesn't like me as it was like living with an abuser and I had really had my fill of that with my ex. When he lived with me I did my best for him and I know I changed his attitude to education and he has been successful. I think I'm quite happy that I was a positive force in his life but if I never saw him again I'd be fine. I encourage DP to have a separate relationship with him.

@2marriages1love the bit that sticks out for me is the back and forth between his family and you. The kids were there and experienced the hurt and confusion of that.

It wasn't you that did it but blaming you is much easier than continuing to blame their dad because they love him and parent/child relationships are complex and difficult.

I think you do need to suck it up and try and let it go tbh. Your husband has done a good job of fucking up those kids with his indecision. Try not to let yourself pay for his crap parenting.

He avoided telling her for a while but when she found out it was me she was apoplectic and decided she wanted him back. There was a lot of manipulation and he kept going back to her because of the children and then couldn’t bear to be without me so would move back in with me. This went on a bit.

He went home, slept with her for a bit, got bored, popped back to yours & so on & so forth.

Stop martyring yourself, you had a massive role in the breakdown of their relationship particularly in the eyes of any children involved.

It is also possible that with time this woman will also go low contact with her dad. It's just easier to limit relationship with a stranger one dislikes (in this case: you) than a parent. He is really the one who messed up, and over a decade of messing up is almost impressive - just not in a good way.

However, you were there, you saw the mess and you did nothing to stop it. So she has no reason to like you

Thank you all for your contributions regarding this. It has been extremely insightful.

Can you really not see that the affair was probably a contributing factor to the split?

You dont talk in the nicest way about either your husbands ex or his daughter with all the 'histrionics', 'drama', 'manipulation', 'diva'

I feel so sorry for those poor girls in all of this with their dad there and gone and there again

Of course she doesnt want anything to do with you. You were around when she went through massively confusing and emotional time in her childhood and whether or not you name yourself for any of it it's totally understandable that she blames you for some of it.

You have absolutely no right to a relationship with her and the fact that you want your DH to risk messing up his relationship with her on your behalf shows you are still putting yourself first and those children last

It wasn't you that did it but blaming you is much easier than continuing to blame their dad because they love him and parent/child relationships are complex and difficult.
Also, they may not know exactly what was going on back then. I remember being very pissed off with my stepmother on one visit because she got annoyed for what seemed like no reason. Many years later we discussed this in passing and it turned out that the culprit was my dad: he'd got totally mixed up about our planning and told her the wrong thing, then also didn't understand why she was confused and told us the wrong thing. It was like a game of Chinese whispers.

Your dh was having his cake and eating it. Do you not think for a second he went back to her several times. When you marry your mistress a vacancy occurs. I'm not suprised given the history she doesn't want to see you.

@2marriages1love I'm going off in a different direction but bear with me. You bought a new house with DP. How do you own it? Apologies as you may have all this covered already but having read a lot of threads on here now a lot of people buy as joint tenants and then one set of children from a previous relationship are screwed over with inheritance when their parent is the first to pass and the property passes to their partner/ spouse and only their children inherit.

I understand you don't feel supported by your DH but I do think it would be hard for him. Let the daughter go and let DH have his time with her. Don't get involved it just gives people more power to control and cause pain. Concentrate on you and yours.