Grown up stepdaughter disowned me

[2marriages1love]

Hi
12 yeas ago I met a man who was separating from his partner.
I had known him 26 years previously - we had a brief affair. We both had partners and I had two children.
cut a long story short, we were going to leave our partners but one of my boys has Cerebral Palsy and my Ex threatened to financially cut me off if I left him (he ran his own business)
so we stopped the affair and that was that. The man I had the affair with had told his partner and, naturally she was furious. I actually wrote her a letter apologising and explained my feelings. She blamed me 100%.
They went on to have two daughters.
i tried to leave my husband many times as I was so unhappy but he was coercive, controlling and had a level of passive aggression you could not fathom.
Bear with me.
I eventually left my husband who I will refer to as S.
The man I had the affair with found out - I will call him B.
B came looking for me and tried and tried to get me to meet with him as he and his partner had agreed to split.
i kept refusing - I guess I was scared of getting back into a relationship.
eventually I gave in, we met up and it was as though no time had passed and we fell straight back in love.
B’s daughters were 4 and 11 at the time. Mine were grown up.
B moved in with me. His Ex kept asking who his new partner was. He avoided telling her for a while but when she found out it was me she was apoplectic and decided she wanted him back. There was a lot of manipulation and he kept going back to her because of the children and then couldn’t bear to be without me so would move back in with me. This went on a bit.
Meanwhile I had met his girls and we got on really well, particularly the older one. She could be a bit of a diva and was a little histrionic like her mother but she was clever, funny and came to our wedding when B and I married. She moved in with us and refused to speak to her mother for six months. No idea why.
Part of her drama was pretending to be afraid of dogs. I had one at the time and she got used to her and would walk her in the lead.
one day she decided to go back and live with her mother and sister (I had encouraged her continuously to try and keep contact - you only have one mum, blah blah)
B and I bought a brand new house together. My dog had got run over a couple of years previously, it was devastating. The girls continued to visit on weekends.
We decided to get a puppy and B sent pictures of it to his girls.
All Hell let loose. I began getting viscous texts from the older daughter which began with “well you got your new house and now you have a dog which is the cherry in the cake” she went on to bombard me with horrible messages stating that I knew she did not like dogs and basically she would never forgive me. Arguments went on between her and her father and for two years they did not speak until one day her mother phoned B and said she had enough of this division and that she felt they should reconcile. Reconcile they did. However I was still the bad guy and she would not speak to me for a further 9 years.
meanwhile, whilst living at home with a mother who supposedly hated dogs and with a supposed dog phobia that had caused such a massive rift, she bought herself a puppy.
Now this made me quite angry and I told B this.
However he continued as if nothing had happened (although he did agree that they had made themselves look rather stupid) and he and the girls met up regularly.
When B turned 50 I arranged a huge family get together with his family. I texted the elder daughter and asked if she would come. She replied she would come “purely for his sake”. Ok. The day went well but despite me trying to make conversation with her this daughter made Zero effort. She is now 21.
i have heard nothing since.
The crux of my issues with this is that I can’t stop being angry that B and his daughter carry on as if in parallel worlds. He has never pulled her up on the hypocrisy of getting a dog, her previous behaviour and how badly she treated me.
When she lived with us I completely went out of my way to support her, help her with homework, projects etc. Pick her up from school. Take her clothes shopping. She even started her period when she was estranged from her mother and I bought her a “happy grown up present” of some Gucci perfume and looked after her.
I want to know how to stop being angry - couple counselling helped a bit but I feel unsupported by B for playing happy families after the huge hurt she caused me.
He says I overreact- maybe I do?
I know he loves me to bits and I adore him but I just want this angry upset to go away.
Any advice would be appreciated.
Sorry for the long post but this was a quarter of a century in the making!

She could be a bit of a diva and was a little histrionic like her mother

Her mother, the husband of hers that you were shagging?

Her mother, the wife of the man who kept dilly dallying between her and you?

I think you have a damn cheek calling her 'histrionic', which is a very sexist term by the way.

You and your partner had the affair. Sorry that makes you the bad guys - she was the innocent child in all this drama. It'll never really be OK, she'll always have some anger and resentment which will show itself in strange ways. You just have to accept that.

She's an adult and there's really no reason that the two of you have to have a relationship. It would be convenient to be on cordial terms, but it isn't really necessary.

Clearly she resents you for the demise of her parents marriage. This may seem unfair to you, but the facts are that you did have an affair with a married man and it lead to him leaving his family. Might as well own it, OP.

It would be foolish to interfere with your partner's relationship with his daughter. It sounds like you and your partner have had a tumultuous relationship with lots of on-and-off/back-and-forth so why insist on dwelling on past hurts and perceived slights? Maybe enjoy this relatively calm period of your relationship without instigating more unnecessary drama?

Words fail me to be honest, I can see why the poor girl wants nothing to do with you. I'd recommend leaving her and her family well alone, I think you've done enough damage in the girls life, a few shopping trips doesn't make up for it. You should probably invest in some more therapy.

You can't have your cake and eat it,

What did you expect 😳 her to feel like about you,

Who helped to fxck up her mum and Dad's marriage

She sees you as the person ( rightly or wrongly) she is never going to like you or want a relationship with you. Let it go.

I am sorry but do you think your partner might be attracted to dramatic women? Maybe you have more in common with his first wife than you think. How long have your held a grudge against his daughter over the new dog episode?

Leave her alone and let her have a relationship with her dad.
You just described a huge list of reasons you continually messed up this girls life and are, now she is an adult, still holding her preteen emotional outbursts against her.

It doesn't make any difference that you tried to be nice to her when she was about 12. You broke up her parents marriage, took her dad away from the home, sabotaged every time her parents were reuniting, and generally made her life really intense and confusing. She doesn't like you, which sounds fair
What do want from her now?

Your partner needs to maintain a relationship with his daughter who has been through a lot with his continual coming and going. What exactly do you want him to do to support you? Bringing up the dog issue - a thing which happened when she was quite young? - would be awful. Expecting her to be close to you because you did some step-parenting when she was a child is really not OK. You need to be the adult here and move on. She was polite to you. As she should be. You cannot demand more and you have no right to anything else. You also need to see B as more active than you describe him. Manipulation may have been there but he was not being blown in the wind by his exes demands. He's a grown up who needs to take responsibility for his decisions.

You both had an affair and it does cast a long shadow over families. People don't seem to realise this. They don't have to get over it or accept you. That's a simple fact.

It will probably get worse when she has kids because your DH will have grandchildren he'll want to see separately as well. So that parallel family will be unlikely to end. Also your DHs family will also be more likely to gather around future grand children as well and the ex will be around a lot more. Best to prepare yourself for it to get worse.

Question is are you going to accept things as they are or try to make your DH chose?

OP not come back?

Stunned, I tells you.

I am really sorry you had a rough first marriage OP, but that’s no excuse to have an affair with a married man and break up his children’s family.

Shit happens and all that, but it does have consequences, which you are living with.

It could be a great deal worse. Your DSD is only 21 and the chances are as she matures she will settle on a balanced picture and she’ll find a way to be OK with you. And if she doesn’t you’ll have to handle that.

The fact you did a bit of basic child care when her parents were at war and she was living with you, is nothing special and nothing she owes you anything for.

You really need to wise up on this, your skewed perspective is quite breathtaking.

Sorry you are getting so much stick here, you had an affair, you didnt murder someone, im sure those giving their opinions have done a lot worst. The thing is she is with her mother who is probably constantly putting you down so she is listening to this. She will probably come around, she is still young, I understand why you're angry, probably more upset than anything. Just enjoy your life with your partner and your own children, let him see his daughter but maybe dont ask any questions about her. You have enough on your plate if your son has CP, sorry to hear that, and im sure you're glad to be out of the marriage, it sounds horrible. (not that one person even took any of that into consideration) Everything isn't black and white in this world, we're all humans and make mistakes but try telling all these posters that. xx

Admiring the mental gymnastics there, with a nice bit of airbrushing out the negativity the OP has directed at a child and her mother. Because its

all their fault she had a repeated affair with their dad/husband.

Writing a letter to apologize then going back again to do the same thing again is very hypocritical. I suspect the daughter has read that letter as an adult and knows all she needs to make up her own mind.

Just read the OP and scanned the replies.
Didn't need to do anymore because I have an ex-friend that found herself in this exact situation.
No sympathy. At all.
You're so focused on how this has affected how you feel.
Not once have you taken responsibility for your part in this drama.
And to blame a child, I have no words.
As someone said up thread , the ripples of your actions strike far and wide.
You can't expect everyone to fall into your fairy tale love story of how you found each other again.
If you had any other insight you'd have never followed this path

If she is only 21 she must have been quite young when a lot of this went on. You're expecting your husband to "pick her up on getting a puppy" etc when she was presumably only a teenager?

When she lived with us I completely went out of my way to support her, help her with homework, projects etc. Pick her up from school. Take her clothes shopping. She even started her period when she was estranged from her mother and I bought her a “happy grown up present” of some Gucci perfume and looked after her.
You did some of this to help your husband or to make up for the fact that your husband is a crap father. Children don't have to be grateful that they were taken to school. That's low level parenting like providing sheets and a blanket on their bed.

You should be relieved that she's cut you off so you're free of the drama.

What do you want him to do?

Sounds like him maintaining a relationship with his daughter is one of the only decent things he has done over the past years.

This.

Do people not learn how to précis anymore?

As usual @MrsTerryPratchett has nailed it.

Totally

This.

There was a lot of manipulation and he kept going back to her because of the children and then couldn’t bear to be without me so would move back in with me. This went on a bit.
Must have been awful for the girls. I'm impressed that they were pleasant to you after this. It's a shame that they changed their mnd about you when they grew up, but of course their dad wants to have a good relationship with them and won't jeopardise it simply because you can't accept their current feelings about you. The fact that you think he should criticise his children's behaviour in a very awkward situation may indeed be part of why they are not keen on you.