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Original poster

Dating while pregnant

318 replies

Bunny44 · 18/04/2023 16:07

I don't know if people will find this topic a bit weird but basically I'm 18 weeks pregnant after my ex left me at 9 weeks pregnant for someone else. I'm conscious I'll not be able to date, or probably have sex for a really long time and that makes me sad.

I still have needs and would like the opportunity to experience some intimacy before an anticipated very long dry-spell. I'm not sure how to go about it. I don't even know if I want to mention I'm pregnant. I'm not looking for anything serious especially since I'm going to relocate when 8 months pregnant. I used to use Hinge for dating but I think that tends to be more serious, whereas Tinder seems to be full of weird people.

I live in Central London and usually it's really easy to meet people with apps, but it's just the approach I'm unsure of. Also has anyone else dated while pregnant and how was it?

OP posts:
BellePeppa · 19/04/2023 08:58

MilkshakeEarthquake · 19/04/2023 08:41

So why post at all?

Show quote history

I find you get this a lot on MN. Someone posts and others pile on to responders telling them it’s none of their business and the OP should do what they want.

I agree it’s no one’s business as long as they’re not posting on a forum asking for advice or even just telling total strangers their intentions.

If you don’t want responses from total strangers don’t post. If you want advice or validation from those you trust then tell your actual friends.

Florissante · 19/04/2023 08:59

Also I know several people who have met new partners while pregnant and they weren't weird. My cousin met his wife while pregnant and they went on to have more children.

Why not ask them instead of random people on the Web?

violetskypurple · 19/04/2023 09:01

samestyle · 19/04/2023 08:56

Aren't you concerned with protecting your baby? What happens you meet a man that's too rough with you, spikes your drink , anything dodgy could happen with a stranger, just because he seems nice for a few hours at a bar, he could be dangerous. You can't just think about yourself anymore.

OP reckons drink spiking and being attacked are avoidable/only happen to gay men

Joewessex · 19/04/2023 09:49

Jesus. Focus on your baby.

You’ll get the rest of your life to get laid.

onmyknees23 · 19/04/2023 09:50

samestyle · 19/04/2023 08:56

Aren't you concerned with protecting your baby? What happens you meet a man that's too rough with you, spikes your drink , anything dodgy could happen with a stranger, just because he seems nice for a few hours at a bar, he could be dangerous. You can't just think about yourself anymore.

She thinks these things are outdated and uncommon....

NCMum79 · 19/04/2023 09:51

Characterising everyone who's questioning the wisdom of this choice as 'closed minded' or 'sex negative' is disengenuous. You apparently have it all sewn up, supportive friends, positive online dating experiences, rationale. And yet, here you are looking for positive stories. Why? I'm no psychologist but I suspect a part of you is uncertain about it. Go ahead and argue with everyone in support of your own choice, and call them closed minded. If that genuinely helps you feel more solid in your choice and it's right for you.

Many of the women on mumsnet don't support casual sex for women. Not out of prudence but simple risk analysis. Casual sex has worse outcomes for women than men. There's a fabulous book about it (The case against the sexual revolution)

I was single for several years, I did a lot of online dating did a fair bit of casual sex. I have horror stories. You met mostly nice people. That's great....If you'd had a bad one, and believe me they happen not as a rarity but with some regularity, you wouldn't be considering it. I'd say this pregnant or not. Casual sex with people outside of your social circle brings with it a level of risk to women that i've personally experienced - I would never do it again if I became single. It's not about being illiberal, it's about personal wellbeing.

blahblahblah1654 · 19/04/2023 09:53

Your choice but I can imagine if guys knew you were pregnant you might attract a weird type. I'd wait tbh. It's only a few months!

DuesExMachina · 19/04/2023 09:56

Starting to suspect that the heightened risk of doing this while pregnant is part of the thrill

MrsSkylerWhite · 19/04/2023 09:57

Bunny44

I've not just been dumped - it was 2 months ago now and I'm already having counselling”

That really isn’t long at all.

hellhavenofury · 19/04/2023 10:03

Sorry but i dont think a guy is going to want to have sex with you whilst you are carrying someone elses child! Harsh but probably true!

Greensleevevssnotnose · 19/04/2023 10:05

I have read the full thread and not seen any positive stories other than the one the OP posted. Journalist maybe?

MrsSkylerWhite · 19/04/2023 10:18

hellhavenofury · Today 10:03
Sorry but i dont think a guy is going to want to have sex with you whilst you are carrying someone elses child! Harsh but probably true!”

I think any man that did would be creepy as hell.

Tohaveandtohold · 19/04/2023 10:41

I mean people are not judging, people are just giving advice based on your post. Most people can’t imagine doing it and that’s what they’ve told you. I personally wouldn’t either.
As you already know what you want, just crack on with it but don’t expect anyone to justify it for you.

Derbee · 19/04/2023 11:33

Bunny44 · 19/04/2023 01:13

Yeh you're right! I think because my friends are so open minded I'm kind of taken aback by the level of misogyny on here. People making judgey, preachy comments under the guise of being "concerned" for me or my baby. Clearly judgement of women's sexuality is still alive and well!

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How is it misogyny to find it strange that someone would put their unborn baby at risk by going out and shagging random strangers?

Your ex is a pig. You’ve made a bit of an error getting pregnant with him, when he was an unreliable pig. You’re left to deal with the fallout (relocating, extra shifts at work etc). It’s not fair, but as the person who literally has the baby inside you, you need to prioritise the baby and think about it’s welfare in a way that he doesn’t.

Phoebo · 19/04/2023 11:44

GreyCarpet · 18/04/2023 17:01

I can't imagine anything less appealing or important at 18 weeks pregnant tbh.

I'd also be wary of the sort of man who'd be willing to have sex with a recently separated pregnant stranger.

You say you might not mention it but you will be showing soon if not already.

This, plus I'd want to be super careful yoi don't catch anything. Herpes when you're about to give birth is really dangerous for a baby. I agree with others that you seem to have some messed up priorities!

Phoebo · 19/04/2023 11:49

Tohaveandtohold · 19/04/2023 10:41

I mean people are not judging, people are just giving advice based on your post. Most people can’t imagine doing it and that’s what they’ve told you. I personally wouldn’t either.
As you already know what you want, just crack on with it but don’t expect anyone to justify it for you.

Well said

Phoebo · 19/04/2023 11:50

DuesExMachina · 19/04/2023 07:22

Me too.

@Bunny44

There is nothing misogynistic about being in control of yourself and looks after your health and that of your child.

In fact, I'd suggest that equating casual sex with the solution to loneliness is a massive chunk of internalised misogyny on your part.

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👏👏👏

Phoebo · 19/04/2023 11:55

Bunny44 · 19/04/2023 00:31

Nope - just thought there would be more modern and open minded women here than there seems to be!

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I think it's because most people are thinking about the baby and not about you. You'll probably (hopefully) get it when you have your baby

Peapodburgundybouquet · 19/04/2023 11:56

Phoebo · 19/04/2023 11:55

I think it's because most people are thinking about the baby and not about you. You'll probably (hopefully) get it when you have your baby

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I have no stock with the idea that women cease to exist beyond being the vessels for the babies they’re carrying, once pregnant.

Sazza26xx · 19/04/2023 11:59

Bunny44 · 18/04/2023 18:25

These views sound really out-dated by the way

"STI's, meeting a dangerous weirdo online, potential drink spiking etc" - these are all perfectly avoidable. And just because they're 'online' doesn't make them weirder than people you meeting IRL. Most people I've dated through online dating are really nice, ordinary people. Plus you meet them in a safe, public space at least a few times first. Spiking drinks is also really avoidable and not a common issue at all, especially when I'm not even drinking. The only people I know it's been an issue for is gay men.

"Meeting people in the usual ways" - online dating is the only real way to meet people for me and most people I know. I work from home so not like I'm going to bump into anyone at work for instance. Plus I'm not looking for a relationship so don't want someone in my circle. You can still cross-reference their public info to see who they really are, i.e. instagram, LinkedIn etc. I think online dating is the usual way now.

Show quote history

You sound quite naive, these can happen to absolutely anybody

SaturdayGiraffe · 19/04/2023 12:05

What was the breakup like? Will your ex be involved in the child's life at all?

peechie · 19/04/2023 12:28

I have no stock with the idea that women cease to exist beyond being the vessels for the babies they’re carrying, once pregnant.

You can still enjoy life without a casual shag. Pregnancy only lasts for a few months. You can date as a parent, but when you're pregnant, you're supposed to consider your baby's health and their start to life.

It's not the right time to be doing this for all the reasons mentioned on this thread. I'd say the potential for instability and STIs for the baby are pretty good reasons not to.

I dated with a child, it's not judgemental to point that this is a dumb idea.

Chowtime · 19/04/2023 12:30

Cant you just go without a man for few months?

gerbilcrocus · 19/04/2023 12:47

Chowtime · 19/04/2023 12:30

Cant you just go without a man for few months?

Of course she could, but why should she?

ninjafoodienovice · 19/04/2023 13:00

Wow - I'm so sorry you've had some of these responses. If you were a soon to be dad who had split up from a partner no one would care if you dated. Such double standards as well as ridiculous infantilising of you as if you would put your baby at risk etc.
I can't offer any advice other than, maybe dating apps might not be great as there isn't a 'by the way I'm pregnant but not looking for anything serious' criteria but maybe thinking ahead to where your parents live, booking nct classes locally and trying to make friends in advance of you moving there. Then you are opening up that 'friends of friends dating pool' and seeing what community stuff there is. Is there a local gym for example that you could start going to?

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