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Original poster

Internet date had a girlfriend for the past year

325 replies

FeelingSad99 · 17/04/2023 21:36

I haven’t posted for years so starting afresh with a new username.

I am very amicably divorced (3 years now) with two pre teen children. I started internet dating in late 2020 and learned a huge amount. The last time I dated was 20 years earlier!

The first guy I really clicked with cancelled our first date on the day, then the next day there was a further Covid lockdown. We messaged for 9 months and became very close but then he disappeared and it later transpired that he was gay.

I had a break from the apps then last January matched with a seemingly great guy. He was a similar age, similar profession. We had the same taste in music, films, art, etc. It was just great. I met him a month later and the first date was lovely and we got on very well and kissed. He was my first first date in about 20 years.

However, a few days later he explained he wasn’t sure about the chemistry. Fair enough. I was disappointed but I understood and appreciated his honesty. The night before our date he had been out with a female friend until 3am and was hungover. In retrospect I realise this was a woman he was pursuing.

Fast forward 3-4 weeks and he gets back in touch wanting a second chance. He felt like he didn’t give us a proper chance. I really liked him and thought we were great together on that first date so I agreed and we met for drinks. He was super keen and we had another wonderful evening. The next day I get another text to say he’s not feeling it.

This basically went on and off for most of 2022. We would have an incredible date and the better it was, the harder he would panic and freak out. He was seemingly inexperienced, never had a long term relationship before and I also suspected he had mild ASD. I was patient and gentle with him.

Then he tells me that he and his female friend have become ambiguous in their friendship and they want to give it a go. I was upset but stepped away, asking him not to contact me again. They broke up and he said he wanted to pursue a proper relationship with me. I was massively hesitant to even meet him but he was very sweet and I agreed. On the date he announces that we can be friends after all. I freak out because he’s led me on.

We didn’t see each other for several months but he got in touch because he had my ticket to a future event. We ended up being friends and I invited him to a party.

After Christmas he wanted to meet as friends, which we did. I was willing to be friends because I had never met anyone who I had so much in common with. He was like my twin. We had the same upbringing, same part of the country a few miles apart, same cultural references. I just loved his company so much. During that meal he made a huge pass at me and we had a wonderful romantic evening. I didn’t go back to his place despite him asking.

We met a week later and he was completely different. Very cool and jumpy.

I just couldn’t cope anymore. I blocked him on Whatsapp. He realised and phoned after a few days and was full of apologies. We agreed he would leave me alone. He didn’t. I then sent him a very firm text that said date me properly or never contact me again. About 1-2 weeks later he texted to say he was thinking about how he had behaved. Another week later he messaged to see how I am. Another week later he asks me out on a proper date but doesn’t confirm specific details.

This weekend he was replying in a slightly different way. I asked him for reassurance. He says he’s still sorting his life out. He then confesses that he has a girlfriend who I suspect he was seeing from the beginning. This is the friend who he was ambiguous with before.

Previously they broke up because he says he has this huge emotional connection to her but he doesn’t fancy her and he can’t get aroused by her. He says this is still all an issue but clearly he can’t seem to break up with her. He says it’s complicated and changing and he can’t date me because he’s with her.

I feel like such a fool. I have been wishing and hoping for a proper relationship with him for over a year. I’m wondering if he was actually with her all this time.

He has lied and cheated a lot.

My stupid heart still has feelings for him. I don’t know why I can’t stop caring about him and move on. I only found out yesterday. I’m so heartbroken and confused by the whole thing.

Any thoughts or advice welcome. There is loads more to it but I appreciate this is already long and I can answer if you have questions. Thank you.

OP posts:
Pansypotter123 · 18/04/2023 16:21

@FeelingSad99

I presume they will marry so she can stay in the UK.

And you're ok with this?

TheShellBeach · 18/04/2023 16:37

FeelingSad99 · 18/04/2023 10:54

I wished him happiness with her. He responded by saying it’s a complex situation that he’s trying to resolve. I don’t know what that means.

Show quote history

It doesn't matter what it means.
He's dragging this out and dangling you on an emotional string, and you're torturing yourself.
Let it go. Stop obsessing about him and analyzing his every word and deed. It's terribly unhealthy.

WatieKatie · 18/04/2023 16:52

He was a complete time waster from the get go. After the first date seemingly going well and him ‘not feeling it’ you should have moved on. Instead you’ve given him chance after opportunity to mess you around for all this time. Time which could have been spent finding someone decent.

This guy screams head fuck. For goodness sakes don’t waste another second thinking about him. If he gets in touch again simply say no thank you and block.

Tabby87 · 18/04/2023 16:55

FeelingSad99 · 18/04/2023 16:17

Plus I was very understanding, full of empathy, trying to sympathise with him and his past. I was too nice.

However, I had no idea he had someone else the whole time!

But you did know? You've known for a long time he was stringing the other woman along.

Original poster
FeelingSad99 · 18/04/2023 17:12

Pansypotter123 · 18/04/2023 16:21

@FeelingSad99

I presume they will marry so she can stay in the UK.

And you're ok with this?

No I’m very upset about it

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelingSad99 · 18/04/2023 17:17

Tabby87 · 18/04/2023 16:55

But you did know? You've known for a long time he was stringing the other woman along.

Show quote history

Not really. I knew he had a friend who he said fancied him but he wasn’t interested. Then he told me he was going on a trip with her to support her with a work thing and alarm bells rang. He reassured me it was nothing and convinced me. Then a few days later he contacted me all upset because he had been deeply ambiguous with her for a long time and he tried to date her friend and she found out. This was all news to me because I thought he liked me! So there was a period apart. I told him to get lost. Then he reappeared saying it was over between them and we should try a relationship. I was an idiot and gave him a chance. It has been on and off with her since then. I only ever had contact with him when he convinced me he was single. It’s only since Sunday that I suspected they were together the whole time (with mini break ups when he then got in touch with me for a bit!).

I know that I have been an absolute fool.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelingSad99 · 18/04/2023 17:18

WatieKatie · 18/04/2023 16:52

He was a complete time waster from the get go. After the first date seemingly going well and him ‘not feeling it’ you should have moved on. Instead you’ve given him chance after opportunity to mess you around for all this time. Time which could have been spent finding someone decent.

This guy screams head fuck. For goodness sakes don’t waste another second thinking about him. If he gets in touch again simply say no thank you and block.

He is an absolute head fuck, tis true.

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 18/04/2023 18:18

Someone who is seeing multiple people at the same time is a liar. It's a basic non-starter, yet you gave him multiple chances and let him explain everything away. Hanging on every word he says as if truth only comes out of his mouth. There's no point. You swallowed a well-trodden falsehood used once it's known there's someone else on the scene - it's not physical, bla, bla! Watered-down subsequently to ' well it is, but I don't fancy her', followed by ' she knows and doesn't mind' and lastly ' we are both at it, so it's ok'.
The tail is long, the lies are many - "he said x, z ..." He is not what matters or where the issue is. The worry is that you ran with it for 15months of him being hot and cold, being basically dumped multiple times, then having him back as soon as he asked. You are clearly not as strong as you think, don't have boundaries much, put up with being walked all over. So much for your highly developed EQ - it's lead you to profoundly over-sympathise with his many, many plights - poor love, he had so many reasons for how he is.
This could and is highly likely to happen again to you. Take one thing from the experience- it's harder to pull away once great sex has occurred, so be more cautious about taking that step. You should of binned him off after the first date, most would of. If you continue to give chance after chance, your future will be on repeat.

Original poster
FeelingSad99 · 18/04/2023 18:43

@Opentooffers thank you. Your comment…

”You swallowed a well-trodden falsehood used once it's known there's someone else on the scene - it's not physical, bla, bla! Watered-down subsequently to ' well it is, but I don't fancy her', followed by ' she knows and doesn't mind' and lastly ' we are both at it, so it's ok'.”

Wow that is so true. I don’t know what is wrong with me. When you spell it out like that it seems so clear. I don’t know why I haven’t been able to see it clearly.

I’m not that experienced in relationships. I’ve been naive and foolish and I need to wise up.

I’m now terrified to ever get involved with anyone else because how will I know it’s not just more of the same?

To clarify, the pattern you mentioned above, is that to say he was with her all the time and it’s a stepwise path that cheaters use to justify their behaviour and none of the steps were true? Thanks.

OP posts:
Smooshface · 18/04/2023 18:57

I mean, he doesn't respect your boundaries at all, you have told him many times to stop contacting you and he doesn't listen. That is a major red flag before anything else.

My ex has spent the last year telling me that he had stopped contact with his gf who was affair partner, even yelling at me when i said they were in his life. They are now back together again and it was all bullshit as keep warm activity for me.

Grey rock, 180, do not engage and move on. Your sanity depends on it.

Original poster
FeelingSad99 · 18/04/2023 18:58

I’m reading back over old messages and realising how stupid I was. There was a time when we were chatting and flirting by text. He was out late on his own. I invited him over and he didn’t reply until a bit later saying that he headed home. In retrospect he probably went to her place. I thought he was just a bit indifferent and disinterested in me at times and that massively hurt and confused me. Whereas in actual fact he was going to her. Yes he absolutely chose her and not me. But all those micro-rejections that got to me when I thought he was choosing nothing and solitude over me. It really affected me. He would have no understanding of how his lies impacted me in that way. Worrying that I wasn’t clever enough for him or funny enough or dazzling enough or young enough or childless enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelingSad99 · 18/04/2023 19:00

Smooshface · 18/04/2023 18:57

I mean, he doesn't respect your boundaries at all, you have told him many times to stop contacting you and he doesn't listen. That is a major red flag before anything else.

My ex has spent the last year telling me that he had stopped contact with his gf who was affair partner, even yelling at me when i said they were in his life. They are now back together again and it was all bullshit as keep warm activity for me.

Grey rock, 180, do not engage and move on. Your sanity depends on it.

I told him about 6 times in 8 months to leave me alone unless he wants to date me properly. Each time he reappeared wanting to date me properly! But then changing his mind again. I know that I should never have given him these chances.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelingSad99 · 18/04/2023 19:01

FeelingSad99 · 18/04/2023 19:00

I told him about 6 times in 8 months to leave me alone unless he wants to date me properly. Each time he reappeared wanting to date me properly! But then changing his mind again. I know that I should never have given him these chances.

Show quote history

Yes so I agree he didn’t respect my boundaries at all. Each time I was upset, saying it hurts too much, please stop. But he came back and I realise it was for his own ego, comfort or titillation.

OP posts:
Smooshface · 18/04/2023 19:10

He would literally change his mind at next date - i know you want to give him the benefit of the doubt but you have let him do this to you several times now, really should have shut it down the second time he did it. If he's really confused then that's a shame, but sounds like he is playing a game.

Original poster
FeelingSad99 · 18/04/2023 19:46

Yes he’d flip flop again. I know. It’s futile.

OP posts:
Tabby87 · 18/04/2023 19:55

FeelingSad99 · 18/04/2023 18:43

@Opentooffers thank you. Your comment…

”You swallowed a well-trodden falsehood used once it's known there's someone else on the scene - it's not physical, bla, bla! Watered-down subsequently to ' well it is, but I don't fancy her', followed by ' she knows and doesn't mind' and lastly ' we are both at it, so it's ok'.”

Wow that is so true. I don’t know what is wrong with me. When you spell it out like that it seems so clear. I don’t know why I haven’t been able to see it clearly.

I’m not that experienced in relationships. I’ve been naive and foolish and I need to wise up.

I’m now terrified to ever get involved with anyone else because how will I know it’s not just more of the same?

To clarify, the pattern you mentioned above, is that to say he was with her all the time and it’s a stepwise path that cheaters use to justify their behaviour and none of the steps were true? Thanks.

You're codependent. I was too. I went to therapy for over a year and stopped being a people pleaser.

I was a magnet to damaged people before that.

Tabby87 · 18/04/2023 19:58

FeelingSad99 · 18/04/2023 18:58

I’m reading back over old messages and realising how stupid I was. There was a time when we were chatting and flirting by text. He was out late on his own. I invited him over and he didn’t reply until a bit later saying that he headed home. In retrospect he probably went to her place. I thought he was just a bit indifferent and disinterested in me at times and that massively hurt and confused me. Whereas in actual fact he was going to her. Yes he absolutely chose her and not me. But all those micro-rejections that got to me when I thought he was choosing nothing and solitude over me. It really affected me. He would have no understanding of how his lies impacted me in that way. Worrying that I wasn’t clever enough for him or funny enough or dazzling enough or young enough or childless enough.

"Yes he absolutely chose her and not me."

She's not exactly won a prize, has she? He's a cheating piece of crap. Doesn't matter which top uni he went to. He's not even bright enough to cheat well.

He could be a Jeremy Kyle guest.

Tabby87 · 18/04/2023 20:00

FeelingSad99 · 18/04/2023 19:01

Yes so I agree he didn’t respect my boundaries at all. Each time I was upset, saying it hurts too much, please stop. But he came back and I realise it was for his own ego, comfort or titillation.

Show quote history

You can't expect a selfish person to behave in a non-selfish way. It's not his nature.

YOU need to stop him contacting you.

Original poster
FeelingSad99 · 18/04/2023 20:15

Tabby87 · 18/04/2023 19:55

You're codependent. I was too. I went to therapy for over a year and stopped being a people pleaser.

I was a magnet to damaged people before that.

Show quote history

To date, I have been a magnet to quite cold men who appear to be attracted to my warm side.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelingSad99 · 18/04/2023 20:16

Tabby87 · 18/04/2023 19:58

"Yes he absolutely chose her and not me."

She's not exactly won a prize, has she? He's a cheating piece of crap. Doesn't matter which top uni he went to. He's not even bright enough to cheat well.

He could be a Jeremy Kyle guest.

Show quote history

This made me smile. Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelingSad99 · 18/04/2023 20:17

Tabby87 · 18/04/2023 20:00

You can't expect a selfish person to behave in a non-selfish way. It's not his nature.

YOU need to stop him contacting you.

Show quote history

This made me cry because of the kindness of strangers. Thank you.

You’re right. I needed to hear that.

OP posts:
LovMydog · 18/04/2023 20:23

He sounds incredibly immature and totally self absorbed. You, on the other hand, sound very caring, kind and easily hurt. He does not deserve you and you really should cut him off completely - he's taking advantage of your kind nature - don't let him.

Original poster
FeelingSad99 · 18/04/2023 20:31

Thank you @LovMydog . He says he likes me because I’m kind and patient. I guess some other women have been a lot firmer with him.

He actually said on the phone a couple of months ago that he realised he had treated me like shit. That was the last straw for me and that’s why I blocked him on Whatsapp because I thought he was bumbling along with no idea of how he was hurting me. Whereas actually he was fully aware that he was treating me like shit!!

OP posts:
Leopardlives · 18/04/2023 20:36

FeelingSad99 · 17/04/2023 23:02

You’re right. He has wasted nearly 15 months of my life. I acknowledge that I let him do that and only I can stop it.

I treat people with kindness and respect and this experience has made me realise that not everyone does that. Several times I said to him, please leave me alone, this is too hard for me, please don’t contact me unless you want something genuine with me. He kept coming back anyway, toying with me. Presumably to feed his ego or something. My best friend says he’s an emotional vampire and he hates him.

I could have blocked him a long time ago but it really wasn’t in my nature and I would have found it stressful and distressing. I eventually blocked him on Whatsapp as a strong sign but he continued to contact me via phone and text.

Your best friend is exactly right. He’s whipping up a storm with people’s attachments like he’s running a fucking puppet theatre. Don’t blame yourself though, these guys are a fake version of something you do and should want (and what we most miss after a long relationship breaks down): proper, deep, hard-earned vulnerable emotional connection with a lover. He’s like an NFT of the thing you’re actually looking for. Onwards! I hope you find the real deal next.

Original poster
FeelingSad99 · 18/04/2023 21:08

Thank you @Leopardlives

OP posts: