I haven’t posted for years so starting afresh with a new username.
I am very amicably divorced (3 years now) with two pre teen children. I started internet dating in late 2020 and learned a huge amount. The last time I dated was 20 years earlier!
The first guy I really clicked with cancelled our first date on the day, then the next day there was a further Covid lockdown. We messaged for 9 months and became very close but then he disappeared and it later transpired that he was gay.
I had a break from the apps then last January matched with a seemingly great guy. He was a similar age, similar profession. We had the same taste in music, films, art, etc. It was just great. I met him a month later and the first date was lovely and we got on very well and kissed. He was my first first date in about 20 years.
However, a few days later he explained he wasn’t sure about the chemistry. Fair enough. I was disappointed but I understood and appreciated his honesty. The night before our date he had been out with a female friend until 3am and was hungover. In retrospect I realise this was a woman he was pursuing.
Fast forward 3-4 weeks and he gets back in touch wanting a second chance. He felt like he didn’t give us a proper chance. I really liked him and thought we were great together on that first date so I agreed and we met for drinks. He was super keen and we had another wonderful evening. The next day I get another text to say he’s not feeling it.
This basically went on and off for most of 2022. We would have an incredible date and the better it was, the harder he would panic and freak out. He was seemingly inexperienced, never had a long term relationship before and I also suspected he had mild ASD. I was patient and gentle with him.
Then he tells me that he and his female friend have become ambiguous in their friendship and they want to give it a go. I was upset but stepped away, asking him not to contact me again. They broke up and he said he wanted to pursue a proper relationship with me. I was massively hesitant to even meet him but he was very sweet and I agreed. On the date he announces that we can be friends after all. I freak out because he’s led me on.
We didn’t see each other for several months but he got in touch because he had my ticket to a future event. We ended up being friends and I invited him to a party.
After Christmas he wanted to meet as friends, which we did. I was willing to be friends because I had never met anyone who I had so much in common with. He was like my twin. We had the same upbringing, same part of the country a few miles apart, same cultural references. I just loved his company so much. During that meal he made a huge pass at me and we had a wonderful romantic evening. I didn’t go back to his place despite him asking.
We met a week later and he was completely different. Very cool and jumpy.
I just couldn’t cope anymore. I blocked him on Whatsapp. He realised and phoned after a few days and was full of apologies. We agreed he would leave me alone. He didn’t. I then sent him a very firm text that said date me properly or never contact me again. About 1-2 weeks later he texted to say he was thinking about how he had behaved. Another week later he messaged to see how I am. Another week later he asks me out on a proper date but doesn’t confirm specific details.
This weekend he was replying in a slightly different way. I asked him for reassurance. He says he’s still sorting his life out. He then confesses that he has a girlfriend who I suspect he was seeing from the beginning. This is the friend who he was ambiguous with before.
Previously they broke up because he says he has this huge emotional connection to her but he doesn’t fancy her and he can’t get aroused by her. He says this is still all an issue but clearly he can’t seem to break up with her. He says it’s complicated and changing and he can’t date me because he’s with her.
I feel like such a fool. I have been wishing and hoping for a proper relationship with him for over a year. I’m wondering if he was actually with her all this time.
He has lied and cheated a lot.
My stupid heart still has feelings for him. I don’t know why I can’t stop caring about him and move on. I only found out yesterday. I’m so heartbroken and confused by the whole thing.
Any thoughts or advice welcome. There is loads more to it but I appreciate this is already long and I can answer if you have questions. Thank you.