Internet date had a girlfriend for the past year

[FeelingSad99]

I haven’t posted for years so starting afresh with a new username.

I am very amicably divorced (3 years now) with two pre teen children. I started internet dating in late 2020 and learned a huge amount. The last time I dated was 20 years earlier!

The first guy I really clicked with cancelled our first date on the day, then the next day there was a further Covid lockdown. We messaged for 9 months and became very close but then he disappeared and it later transpired that he was gay.

I had a break from the apps then last January matched with a seemingly great guy. He was a similar age, similar profession. We had the same taste in music, films, art, etc. It was just great. I met him a month later and the first date was lovely and we got on very well and kissed. He was my first first date in about 20 years.

However, a few days later he explained he wasn’t sure about the chemistry. Fair enough. I was disappointed but I understood and appreciated his honesty. The night before our date he had been out with a female friend until 3am and was hungover. In retrospect I realise this was a woman he was pursuing.

Fast forward 3-4 weeks and he gets back in touch wanting a second chance. He felt like he didn’t give us a proper chance. I really liked him and thought we were great together on that first date so I agreed and we met for drinks. He was super keen and we had another wonderful evening. The next day I get another text to say he’s not feeling it.

This basically went on and off for most of 2022. We would have an incredible date and the better it was, the harder he would panic and freak out. He was seemingly inexperienced, never had a long term relationship before and I also suspected he had mild ASD. I was patient and gentle with him.

Then he tells me that he and his female friend have become ambiguous in their friendship and they want to give it a go. I was upset but stepped away, asking him not to contact me again. They broke up and he said he wanted to pursue a proper relationship with me. I was massively hesitant to even meet him but he was very sweet and I agreed. On the date he announces that we can be friends after all. I freak out because he’s led me on.

We didn’t see each other for several months but he got in touch because he had my ticket to a future event. We ended up being friends and I invited him to a party.

After Christmas he wanted to meet as friends, which we did. I was willing to be friends because I had never met anyone who I had so much in common with. He was like my twin. We had the same upbringing, same part of the country a few miles apart, same cultural references. I just loved his company so much. During that meal he made a huge pass at me and we had a wonderful romantic evening. I didn’t go back to his place despite him asking.

We met a week later and he was completely different. Very cool and jumpy.

I just couldn’t cope anymore. I blocked him on Whatsapp. He realised and phoned after a few days and was full of apologies. We agreed he would leave me alone. He didn’t. I then sent him a very firm text that said date me properly or never contact me again. About 1-2 weeks later he texted to say he was thinking about how he had behaved. Another week later he messaged to see how I am. Another week later he asks me out on a proper date but doesn’t confirm specific details.

This weekend he was replying in a slightly different way. I asked him for reassurance. He says he’s still sorting his life out. He then confesses that he has a girlfriend who I suspect he was seeing from the beginning. This is the friend who he was ambiguous with before.

Previously they broke up because he says he has this huge emotional connection to her but he doesn’t fancy her and he can’t get aroused by her. He says this is still all an issue but clearly he can’t seem to break up with her. He says it’s complicated and changing and he can’t date me because he’s with her.

I feel like such a fool. I have been wishing and hoping for a proper relationship with him for over a year. I’m wondering if he was actually with her all this time.

He has lied and cheated a lot.

My stupid heart still has feelings for him. I don’t know why I can’t stop caring about him and move on. I only found out yesterday. I’m so heartbroken and confused by the whole thing.

Any thoughts or advice welcome. There is loads more to it but I appreciate this is already long and I can answer if you have questions. Thank you.

Shaking My Head

Yes!! I forgot her from the list.

I know. I would be worried that he’d fall for one of my friends.

I have been living in this craziness but talking about it here has helped me put it in perspective. Your reactions are helping me to see the utter ridiculousness of the whole thing.

A couple of my friends just don’t like to discuss him at all.

Another couple are sympathetic because they knew I really liked him.

Another couple have made their feelings about him very clear!!

However he has a physical issue that most women don’t like but I have no issue with so he gets rejected a lot.

I know a guy who flitted from woman to woman, didn't commit, stayed with women he wasn't overly attracted to, had no normal boundaries or integrity - definitely all very grey; he is on the shirt side for a man but even we were intimate he also seemed to gave a mico penis/almost micro penis. I wondered if it was a factor.
Even when perfectly nice and rather eligible women were in relationships with him, he'd not commit. I don't know if he has done since

This man seems to not have been married or had kids by 43? Very unusual.
A lot of ishoos with him.

*short, obviously

Yes never married. Only lived with someone because of extreme, unforeseen circumstances and not for long. No children.

He actually messaged me last Autumn and said that he’s very solitary and there’s a reason that he’s 43 and he hasn’t been with anyone in a committed relationship for any significant length of time. He said he was a walking red flag.

This guy doesn’t have any penis issues! 😂

There could be many things going on, but it sounds like his psyche has been damaged and deeply affected by whatever physical issue he has that causes him to be rejected by the majority (?) of women.

His insistence on talking about every involvement, rejection, romance, non starter etc to you - like he's constantly logging it all/score carding it all and cant stop even when talking to a woman he's "romancing".

His apparent inability to form a healthy relationship with someone he fancies, who fancies him back etc etc.

If hes like this at 43, who knows if he'll ever fully resolve his issues.

Ah yeah when you said the sex was good I presumed he probably doesn't; but his psyche has clearly been deeply affected by whatever physical issue he has that causes lots of women to reject him..

I'm guessing he probably got lots of shit about it growing up too.

He says that his whole issue is because of this physical thing. That women reject him for it. When they find out they immediately lose interest even if he’s already built up a good online rapport.

You have analysed him perfectly there. That’s exactly him.

He said he was a walking red flag.

11 pages it's taken to read something true that he's said

No, OP. He SAYS he gets rejected a lot.
You need to get out of the mindset of believing everything he says.

Ha ha!!

Is he particularly short?

I can totally believe he gets rejected a lot. He’s an acquired taste!

Yes

I think you mentioned he was a late starter at relationships (and he's certainly in the minority of ppl not having been married or had kids by 43).

Sometimes when ppl are solitary/don't get into relationships from the age that most ppl typically do; they end up with a mindset that they're meant to be like that, that they'll end up like that, that they're not like everyone else, that their relationships won't be "normal" etc.

It could be another factor.

Yes he often says he missed the boat. That that part of his life (finding a wife) is over. That it wasn’t meant for him despite him really wanting it. That the window was 25-35 but it has passed. Saying all this to me, a woman who wanted to commit to him!

OMG!! Please move on and find someone who isn't this flaky. He sounds like an absolute loser!

I’m a lot taller than him. He actually really likes tall women and welcomes heels. I think he finds it empowering to be seen with a tall woman.

He is also losing his beloved hair and he thinks he’s getting fat (he isn’t). So he doesn’t believe he’s physically a catch.

Ok, well - there's a reason it's called "small man's disease".

I do tend to find many short men have a lot of issues in relationships.

I know one (not very very short, but relativekt short) who turned my school mate's sister from an outgoing, bubbly, happy go lucky young woman into a down, critical, slightly bitter, unhappy young woman because of his behaviour; cheating, coming onto her mates ..... Sound familiar.

They remind me of that Groucho Marx saying "is never want to be in a club that would have me as a member"; bit with them it's "I couldn't commit to a woman who'd commit to me". I think they think there must be something wring with any woman who'd actually have them.

Oh absolutely! I even quoted that at him because I said to him the only reason you don’t want to be with me is because I fancy you so you think there must be something wrong with me!

This was before I discovered he was still seeing X.

*I'd never want to be in a club that would have me as a member

He said his height made him very neurotic.

I don’t think it helped that his Dad is tall because he didn’t have a short Dad to relate to.