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Original poster

Internet date had a girlfriend for the past year

325 replies

FeelingSad99 · 17/04/2023 21:36

I haven’t posted for years so starting afresh with a new username.

I am very amicably divorced (3 years now) with two pre teen children. I started internet dating in late 2020 and learned a huge amount. The last time I dated was 20 years earlier!

The first guy I really clicked with cancelled our first date on the day, then the next day there was a further Covid lockdown. We messaged for 9 months and became very close but then he disappeared and it later transpired that he was gay.

I had a break from the apps then last January matched with a seemingly great guy. He was a similar age, similar profession. We had the same taste in music, films, art, etc. It was just great. I met him a month later and the first date was lovely and we got on very well and kissed. He was my first first date in about 20 years.

However, a few days later he explained he wasn’t sure about the chemistry. Fair enough. I was disappointed but I understood and appreciated his honesty. The night before our date he had been out with a female friend until 3am and was hungover. In retrospect I realise this was a woman he was pursuing.

Fast forward 3-4 weeks and he gets back in touch wanting a second chance. He felt like he didn’t give us a proper chance. I really liked him and thought we were great together on that first date so I agreed and we met for drinks. He was super keen and we had another wonderful evening. The next day I get another text to say he’s not feeling it.

This basically went on and off for most of 2022. We would have an incredible date and the better it was, the harder he would panic and freak out. He was seemingly inexperienced, never had a long term relationship before and I also suspected he had mild ASD. I was patient and gentle with him.

Then he tells me that he and his female friend have become ambiguous in their friendship and they want to give it a go. I was upset but stepped away, asking him not to contact me again. They broke up and he said he wanted to pursue a proper relationship with me. I was massively hesitant to even meet him but he was very sweet and I agreed. On the date he announces that we can be friends after all. I freak out because he’s led me on.

We didn’t see each other for several months but he got in touch because he had my ticket to a future event. We ended up being friends and I invited him to a party.

After Christmas he wanted to meet as friends, which we did. I was willing to be friends because I had never met anyone who I had so much in common with. He was like my twin. We had the same upbringing, same part of the country a few miles apart, same cultural references. I just loved his company so much. During that meal he made a huge pass at me and we had a wonderful romantic evening. I didn’t go back to his place despite him asking.

We met a week later and he was completely different. Very cool and jumpy.

I just couldn’t cope anymore. I blocked him on Whatsapp. He realised and phoned after a few days and was full of apologies. We agreed he would leave me alone. He didn’t. I then sent him a very firm text that said date me properly or never contact me again. About 1-2 weeks later he texted to say he was thinking about how he had behaved. Another week later he messaged to see how I am. Another week later he asks me out on a proper date but doesn’t confirm specific details.

This weekend he was replying in a slightly different way. I asked him for reassurance. He says he’s still sorting his life out. He then confesses that he has a girlfriend who I suspect he was seeing from the beginning. This is the friend who he was ambiguous with before.

Previously they broke up because he says he has this huge emotional connection to her but he doesn’t fancy her and he can’t get aroused by her. He says this is still all an issue but clearly he can’t seem to break up with her. He says it’s complicated and changing and he can’t date me because he’s with her.

I feel like such a fool. I have been wishing and hoping for a proper relationship with him for over a year. I’m wondering if he was actually with her all this time.

He has lied and cheated a lot.

My stupid heart still has feelings for him. I don’t know why I can’t stop caring about him and move on. I only found out yesterday. I’m so heartbroken and confused by the whole thing.

Any thoughts or advice welcome. There is loads more to it but I appreciate this is already long and I can answer if you have questions. Thank you.

OP posts:
supercali77 · 18/04/2023 06:27

My advice is to block him, on everything. Including social media...you aren't friends but he will 100% friend request you if you block him everywhere else. Get the book 'Mr unavailable and the fallback girl'. See if you recognise your situation in it. Try to realise what's actually happening here, not for him or with him, but for yourself. You've felt properly seen and understood, but by a very low empathy person. This is not a healthy attachment.

Zanatdy · 18/04/2023 06:40

You’ve given him so many chances and things will never be any different. Block him on everything so he can’t keep trying to lure you back. You deserve someone who does fancy you and want to be with you. Raise your standard and don’t let this guy mess you around anymore

Tabby87 · 18/04/2023 06:49

FeelingSad99 · 17/04/2023 22:30

What do you want to know from their social media? I think I know everything already. I can’t see any photos of them together on her Instagram. I can’t see much more than that without being their friends. But I know a lot about them both.

This sounds so stalkery.

He's not into her, but he's not into you either.

sismin · 18/04/2023 07:23

You're not the first person to fall for this sort of bullshit and you certainly won't be the last, so don't beat yourself up for the choices you've made so far. Do listen to people here, though, and get yourself far away from this man.

"You know what's great about the internet? You can look people's socials up and find out a lot about them before you even start talking to them. So all the 'quoting the line from an obscure film from the seventies' is EXACTLY how sociopathic nightmares get you hooked in the first place, because they've seen the blueprint of who you are laid out before them to cherry pick the 'Oh my GOD, I can't believe you like Albanian techno too! What are the chances??' moments."
Absolutely this. I had an ex who did this and I completely fell for it. He went through years of my social media history to figure out my likes, dislikes, political views, everything, then just fed them back to me (and I naively thought it must all be true, because he was bringing this stuff up first, and who would go to that kind of effort to trick somebody!?) He also claimed low self esteem, didn't have much luck in love (had been treated badly in past relationships, poor lamb) difficult childhood/trauma (as an excuse for any poor behaviour when the mask slipped), and he future-faked by talking about marriage and children too. He portrayed himself as being head over heels in love with me, vulnerable, with low self confidence, but ready for commitment.

He was already in 'exclusive' relationships with two women when we got together, and by the time I ended it he had 6 of us on the go at the same time (I had no idea until afterwards, but when all the women got in touch we found out he’d been using the exact same lines on all of us).

Everything you've described about this guy reminds me so much of that ex. Absolutely no point trying to figure out why he's behaved like this: run for the hills, block him on everything, and don't look back.

Pansypotter123 · 18/04/2023 07:36

@FeelingSad99

Regarding his body not reacting… I think she’s not got the typical body for that kind of reaction. I’m trying not to sound unkind. I’m not perfect either.

You're so in denial, you really are.

Original poster
FeelingSad99 · 18/04/2023 10:09

Concerned3 · 18/04/2023 01:55

I get what you say about wanting to understand what happened, so you can get peace & move on.

But most of what you say indictates, on sone level, you want to understand how he can break free of his girlfriend to be with you & understand how much you appreciate & value him. & then develop a new moral compass.

He's empowered enough to cheat & lie repeatedly, to try & wreck her friendship cos it suited his desires. He's empowered enough to ignore your requests to stop hurting you & choose you or stop contact.

So actually he's empowered enough to break things off with her, if thats what he really wants.

Thank goodness for you, it isn't. He wants to keep stringing you along, her along- & others too, in time.

That's what's happening. That's your answer.
He's been looking for a way to get everything that suits him. That included you not requiring him to commit & you not having expectations of him. So he can carry on getting everything his way, however much that hurts others.

You say you could see him trying it on your daughters friends when they're of age.

Please imagine a better future for yourself.

Any future with him won't look like you want it to.

You say youre learning, google Natalie Lu Baggage Reclaim & her other work.

I see he says he wants marriage and babies. That's Future Faking & it's the tip of the iceberg

Give yourself a time limit for attempting to understand his behaviour further, then turn your energy back to you and moving on, a bit wiser & much better off without him.

Thank you. This is makes great sense. Yes I have already read the Baggage Reclaim stuff.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelingSad99 · 18/04/2023 10:10

lilaco · 18/04/2023 04:07

Why are you obsessing to this extent? He has a girlfriend, it's not you, that's all you need to to know.

Yes, I only found out that he was with her on Sunday so I’m just processing it. I have no interest or intention to get involved with someone who is taken. I’m just using the space here to try to understand what happened, process my feelings and hopefully move on.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelingSad99 · 18/04/2023 10:11

Tabby87 · 18/04/2023 06:13

In future, end things with men the instant they say they aren't interested. Don't let them change their mind. That would've been after date one or at most two.

Stop diagnosing them with anything or making excuses.

Yes absolutely. I was very naive. If a man says he’s not interested then that would be it next time. Never again.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelingSad99 · 18/04/2023 10:13

Regarding everyone’s comments about him researching me on social media, I hardly have anything on there. Certainly no information about my interests. I think we genuinely had a lot in common and that’s why this has gone on for so long because we did have that connection. I’m not saying that men don’t do this. I do accept that once we realised we overlapped on certain things he probably bigged up his own interest in them too.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelingSad99 · 18/04/2023 10:15

supercali77 · 18/04/2023 06:27

My advice is to block him, on everything. Including social media...you aren't friends but he will 100% friend request you if you block him everywhere else. Get the book 'Mr unavailable and the fallback girl'. See if you recognise your situation in it. Try to realise what's actually happening here, not for him or with him, but for yourself. You've felt properly seen and understood, but by a very low empathy person. This is not a healthy attachment.

Yes I have read that book.
You’re right, I felt really seen by him after 20 years of loneliness and I got swept up in that feeling. But you’re also right that he has no empathy.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelingSad99 · 18/04/2023 10:17

Tabby87 · 18/04/2023 06:49

This sounds so stalkery.

He's not into her, but he's not into you either.

Show quote history

I mean that I know a lot about him because I have spent over a year chatting to him almost daily. I know a lot about her too because he told me a fair bit of stuff about his ‘friend’. No stalking necessary!

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelingSad99 · 18/04/2023 10:18

Pansypotter123 · 18/04/2023 07:36

@FeelingSad99

Regarding his body not reacting… I think she’s not got the typical body for that kind of reaction. I’m trying not to sound unkind. I’m not perfect either.

You're so in denial, you really are.

What do you mean? I’m just saying what he told me. He says he’s not sexually attracted to her but they have a deep emotional connection.

OP posts:
CAJIE · 18/04/2023 10:22

Sadly i have learned that having a lor in common, sharing hilarious jokes, etc etc.doesnt mean they are right.As a twin believe me you dont want that in a partner.I cant be doing with these neurotic men anymore who play one.They are just another type of w.....er.Watch what they do not what they say.Having said that some situations are complex and some people do run away when they develop feelings for a woman but ffs how many years can one put up with this.? The toxic nature of OLD makes this worse and love hunger too.

Mari9999 · 18/04/2023 10:35

OP,
How do you imagine that he describes you and your relationship to others? Consider the source when you are forming a mental picture of the woman that he has described.

You were probably in an emotionally needy place when you met this man. Time has passed and you have had the opportunity to experience him from a less needy and more realistic point of view. Do you really need this kind of juvenile shiftiness in your life?

JoanThursday1972 · 18/04/2023 10:36

FeelingSad99 · 18/04/2023 00:25

I don’t think so. I want him to myself. He knows this. I have repeatedly told him that I won’t share him. I want him sexually and emotionally.
He says that she doesn’t care what he does physically with other people. I care very much.
When I found out yesterday that he was with her I was nearly sick.

Show quote history

People always telling me you're a user;
I don't care what you do to them, just be good to me

This sounds like a terrible line from a song.

Original poster
FeelingSad99 · 18/04/2023 10:40

Mari9999 · 18/04/2023 10:35

OP,
How do you imagine that he describes you and your relationship to others? Consider the source when you are forming a mental picture of the woman that he has described.

You were probably in an emotionally needy place when you met this man. Time has passed and you have had the opportunity to experience him from a less needy and more realistic point of view. Do you really need this kind of juvenile shiftiness in your life?

No I don’t need this kind of nightmarish nonsense.

I suspect that he’s never told anyone about me.

OP posts:
JoanThursday1972 · 18/04/2023 10:44

I really can't believe what I'm reading. All these lengthy posts about a player who's not interested in the OP. You'll never understand him so it's best to stop trying to and focus on how to get rid of anyone PDQ who shows up like this in the future.

sismin · 18/04/2023 10:45

"I’m just saying what he told me. He says he’s not sexually attracted to her but they have a deep emotional connection".

This is almost certainly a lie.

When I had suspicions there was something going on with one of the women my ex was seeing he listed all of the reasons he wouldn't/couldn't be interested in her sexually, too. Not physically attractive to him, didn't like her personal style etc, she was just a friend who he got on with really well but nothing more than that. I later found out this detailed breakdown of why he didn't find her attractive was delivered less than 24hrs after he'd slept with her. It's not unusual for men to lie like this when they're trying to string multiple women along.

You're being taken for a fool. Stop listening to what he says and look at what he does instead. His words can't be trusted, his behaviour tells you everything you need to know.

Original poster
FeelingSad99 · 18/04/2023 10:51

sismin · 18/04/2023 10:45

"I’m just saying what he told me. He says he’s not sexually attracted to her but they have a deep emotional connection".

This is almost certainly a lie.

When I had suspicions there was something going on with one of the women my ex was seeing he listed all of the reasons he wouldn't/couldn't be interested in her sexually, too. Not physically attractive to him, didn't like her personal style etc, she was just a friend who he got on with really well but nothing more than that. I later found out this detailed breakdown of why he didn't find her attractive was delivered less than 24hrs after he'd slept with her. It's not unusual for men to lie like this when they're trying to string multiple women along.

You're being taken for a fool. Stop listening to what he says and look at what he does instead. His words can't be trusted, his behaviour tells you everything you need to know.

When I suggested he try out a relationship with his friend who fancies him (who is now his girlfriend) he acted like he was so repulsed at the idea. He criticised her body and made it sound like such a hideous suggestion that I almost apologised.

He has kept his actions hidden from me so I only had his words to go on.

OP posts:
chiefschiefschiefs · 18/04/2023 10:52

Block him, there's more to life than chasing time wasters. He seems to need his adrenaline fix by cheating on his gf with you. You're his stimulant. His quick fix.

You aren't anything more than a drug to him. You're temporary and you're disposable (in his eyes)

Tell him to focus on his own life and wish him well.

AprilFool23 · 18/04/2023 10:53

I think she’s not got the typical body for that kind of reaction.

Given men can be attracted to anything from plus size to very thin, I'm not sure what you mean there.

If he says he's not personally attracted to this woman ... yet somehow is still involved with her a year later; he's lying or physical attraction isn't all that important to him for a relationship. Or he's gay.

Most men don't waste time on women they're not physically attracted to.

Original poster
FeelingSad99 · 18/04/2023 10:54

chiefschiefschiefs · 18/04/2023 10:52

Block him, there's more to life than chasing time wasters. He seems to need his adrenaline fix by cheating on his gf with you. You're his stimulant. His quick fix.

You aren't anything more than a drug to him. You're temporary and you're disposable (in his eyes)

Tell him to focus on his own life and wish him well.

I wished him happiness with her. He responded by saying it’s a complex situation that he’s trying to resolve. I don’t know what that means.

OP posts:
ChiaraRimini · 18/04/2023 10:55

OP this guy isn't capable of having a normal relationship. Some people are just broken like that. He probably has no insight into the effect of his actions on you. Having further contact with him is just going to cause you more pain and confusion.
I was in an on and off thing with a guy like this for years, because I thought eventually he would realise how good we were together! He never did. Don't be me!

chiefschiefschiefs · 18/04/2023 10:55

It means he wants to dangle the carrot. He wants you to remain hopeful that something is "there".

He's a cryptic little shit who wants your attention whenever he suits him.

But by being vague, he keeps you wondering and guessing (and its working!)

AprilFool23 · 18/04/2023 10:56

FeelingSad99 · 18/04/2023 10:51

When I suggested he try out a relationship with his friend who fancies him (who is now his girlfriend) he acted like he was so repulsed at the idea. He criticised her body and made it sound like such a hideous suggestion that I almost apologised.

He has kept his actions hidden from me so I only had his words to go on.

Show quote history

My cousin had a youthful LTR with a guy who laughed and said derogatory things about the woman he's now married to/partnered up with long term - when talking about her being interested in him. (It was mostly because she's a different religion and yes a religious bigot, we're in Northern Ireland).

Yet he got into an LTR relationship with her.

Some people talk shite.

Nothing they say is worth taking seriously.