Internet date had a girlfriend for the past year

[FeelingSad99]

I haven’t posted for years so starting afresh with a new username.

I am very amicably divorced (3 years now) with two pre teen children. I started internet dating in late 2020 and learned a huge amount. The last time I dated was 20 years earlier!

The first guy I really clicked with cancelled our first date on the day, then the next day there was a further Covid lockdown. We messaged for 9 months and became very close but then he disappeared and it later transpired that he was gay.

I had a break from the apps then last January matched with a seemingly great guy. He was a similar age, similar profession. We had the same taste in music, films, art, etc. It was just great. I met him a month later and the first date was lovely and we got on very well and kissed. He was my first first date in about 20 years.

However, a few days later he explained he wasn’t sure about the chemistry. Fair enough. I was disappointed but I understood and appreciated his honesty. The night before our date he had been out with a female friend until 3am and was hungover. In retrospect I realise this was a woman he was pursuing.

Fast forward 3-4 weeks and he gets back in touch wanting a second chance. He felt like he didn’t give us a proper chance. I really liked him and thought we were great together on that first date so I agreed and we met for drinks. He was super keen and we had another wonderful evening. The next day I get another text to say he’s not feeling it.

This basically went on and off for most of 2022. We would have an incredible date and the better it was, the harder he would panic and freak out. He was seemingly inexperienced, never had a long term relationship before and I also suspected he had mild ASD. I was patient and gentle with him.

Then he tells me that he and his female friend have become ambiguous in their friendship and they want to give it a go. I was upset but stepped away, asking him not to contact me again. They broke up and he said he wanted to pursue a proper relationship with me. I was massively hesitant to even meet him but he was very sweet and I agreed. On the date he announces that we can be friends after all. I freak out because he’s led me on.

We didn’t see each other for several months but he got in touch because he had my ticket to a future event. We ended up being friends and I invited him to a party.

After Christmas he wanted to meet as friends, which we did. I was willing to be friends because I had never met anyone who I had so much in common with. He was like my twin. We had the same upbringing, same part of the country a few miles apart, same cultural references. I just loved his company so much. During that meal he made a huge pass at me and we had a wonderful romantic evening. I didn’t go back to his place despite him asking.

We met a week later and he was completely different. Very cool and jumpy.

I just couldn’t cope anymore. I blocked him on Whatsapp. He realised and phoned after a few days and was full of apologies. We agreed he would leave me alone. He didn’t. I then sent him a very firm text that said date me properly or never contact me again. About 1-2 weeks later he texted to say he was thinking about how he had behaved. Another week later he messaged to see how I am. Another week later he asks me out on a proper date but doesn’t confirm specific details.

This weekend he was replying in a slightly different way. I asked him for reassurance. He says he’s still sorting his life out. He then confesses that he has a girlfriend who I suspect he was seeing from the beginning. This is the friend who he was ambiguous with before.

Previously they broke up because he says he has this huge emotional connection to her but he doesn’t fancy her and he can’t get aroused by her. He says this is still all an issue but clearly he can’t seem to break up with her. He says it’s complicated and changing and he can’t date me because he’s with her.

I feel like such a fool. I have been wishing and hoping for a proper relationship with him for over a year. I’m wondering if he was actually with her all this time.

He has lied and cheated a lot.

My stupid heart still has feelings for him. I don’t know why I can’t stop caring about him and move on. I only found out yesterday. I’m so heartbroken and confused by the whole thing.

Any thoughts or advice welcome. There is loads more to it but I appreciate this is already long and I can answer if you have questions. Thank you.

Let's assume best case scenario, that everything he's said is true.

He's cheated on her & was going to cheat with her friend. He lied about their status to her friend, to try & make that happen.

He's heard that his treating you like a yoyo is hurting you & you want him to stop. He didn't.

Even if (& I think that's doubtful as he sounds like a skilled manipulator, figuring out exactly how to keep you hooked) he has ASD, that doesn't explain or justify his behaviour.

Unless you mean you think he can't understand how his treatment of others affects them, so you'll give him a pass on lying & cheating & ignoring your wishes repeatedly?

Why would you want to be with someone who will treat you like that?

Yes he's got other qualities you enjoy. He's treated you like rubbish for a year it's not going to stop.

And the chemistry that he doesn't have with his girlfriend? Chemistry will run out with you too one day. Someone else will be new & more exciting.

Cue a repeat of how he's treated the current girlfriend.

Are you fine with that? As that seems the most likely outcome even if allhe's said is true & even if he initially commits to you.

There are some excellent replies about boundaries and self esteem (being with him will erode yours).

Good luck.

Ha! You’re probably right. I stepped away from the ASD thing for a while but I’m not sure. I suspect he’s both an arsehole and ASD but maybe he’s just an arsehole.

You have to stop caring what he does or doesn’t do. Block him everywhere and if he still wheedles through just ignore him. Ignore, that’s all. Very simple. And find a distraction. You can’t believe anything he says, you’ve been hearing your own needs and wishes, not reality.

It is painful but it will pass. You need discipline for a while.

Ps you can’t block someone as ‘a strong sign’ because that’s still trying to be in communication with them. Block him to erase him from your life, don’t tune into giving him ‘signs’.

Ugh. This man is definitely still having sex with his girlfriend - and has no intention of leaving her for OP

Bin him!

OP he is toxic. A narcissist using intermittent reinforcement to keep you dangling. Please, please, please take all of the mental and emotional energy you are putting into psychoanalysing him and use it to build yourself back up. I've been there - wasted 5 years of my life on someone like this - and, believe me, it's not going to get any better.

Thank you. All excellent points.

I think he dislikes himself a lot. I don’t blame him because he lies a lot, cheats, hurts people who love him, etc. So I can understand why he doesn’t like himself.

He’s also been repeatedly rejected by women for his physical attributes (that I love).

I think he has a strange combination of self loathing, a lack of identity, very low self esteem with a sprinkling of selfishness thrown in. So, because of that, he treat’s people quite badly because he has no idea how much he means to them. He would be SHOCKED if he knew how much I liked him.

He said to me yesterday he’s not worth it.

Yes I fear he would hit on my friends. I even fear that if we were together in a long term relationship he might even hit on my daughter’s friends when they’re 18 or whatever.

After I invited him to my party he made some joke about my friend’s big bum. It was only when he saw a photo of an Edwardian lady with a huge skirt and massive bum that he said he liked her bum and I twigged that he was attracted to my friend.

I will try to be disciplined.

We like all the same stuff. We go to the same cinemas and gigs. We’re both going to a gig in the summer. I’m worried about bumping into him but these places and gigs are important to me. I suspect that I will bump into them together.

Thank you. I don’t want to waste time. I got out of an unhappy marriage, mostly so I could have the chance to experience a good relationship.

I haven’t been ready to erase him before because I felt feelings of love towards him.

You're investing waaaaayyy too much into something that's going nowhere.

Block him on absolutely everything
Crack on with your life.
Stop explaining/justifying why he's like he is, just walk away without a backwards glance and leave him to it.
If you carry on like you are, you're gonna end up hurt if you can't have him and hurt if you can because you'll be no different to the others he's hurt/cheated on/lied to....

Well, when you see him just remember “There’s someone who will never love me, toyed with me pointlessly and doesn’t care that we’re into the same music.”

Feeling like twinsies because you like the same music is a reflection of how long it’s been since you’ve dated I think. It’s very adolescent (and I don’t mean to be horrid - we’ve all felt that and made assumptions like: “Wow we love the same bands and writers it means something!”). The part of you that’s hung up on him is not as mature/developed as your other personal characteristics and qualities, perhaps. We are all a patchwork in that respect in our own ways.

Stay strong 💪🏼

Step away from the barrel scrapings op…

Why are you still leaving lines of contact open for this manipulative car crash of a human???

Squash this shit once and for all, it’s fucking ridiculous.

🪳

Good grief, this man has been waing red flags at you since your very first date.

Short of tattooing "I am a massive knobhead" on his forehead, what more does he need to do for you to give him a swerve?

I don’t want to be hurt anymore

I couldn't believe you met this guy for a second time after he dumped you the first time round...but for you to keep metaphorically banging your head against a brick wall with this loser is insane!

Thank you. This is interesting. He didn’t think it was special that we had all of those coincidences and things in common. I had never a met a man who had read my favourite book before, or was able to quote the same obscure line from a film from 1970, or who loved my favourite songs and poems. Maybe it was naive and immature of me but I loved that.

When I was looking for a new relationship after my divorce, the two biggest factors for me were
i) having things in common (so we can grow old together doing stuff we love)
ii) having great sex
So the fact that he had these was very attractive to me.

I know. I was very pathetic. I just need to find the tap in my brain / heart so I can stop caring about him.

I still want him to turn around and run towards me. He wants marriage and a baby. I think I spent time hoping for those things with him. I know that I’m a complete idiot.

If you went on a blind date with this guy and he recounted this story about how he treated someone else, you would, I hope, see all the red flags waving furiously in the wind of his ‘complicated’ angst.

Think of all the emotional energy you have invested, for no return, and give yourself a chance to meet someone better. I sympathise, as I fell deeply for someone post-separation who ticked all the boxes, then he pulled the rug after four months. It took about 15 months for me to not think about him daily. It was a painful learning experience. Made me way more guarded when I was finally ready to date again. With the benefit of hindsight, I can see I was one in a long line of his commitment-phobia. I wasn’t ‘the one’, and I’m not sure if he was capable of committing to anyone. Don’t be second best in his ‘maybe’ game.

PS you’re not an idiot, and you need to be kind and patient with yourself, forgive yourself as your only mistake was giving him chances that you felt he was worth.

Block him on everything now and if you do run into him somewhere walk away.
Stop analysing everything he said and making excuses for him. You are not going to rescue and change him, he will bring you down if you let him.
What would you tell your daughter to do if she had this happen to her in the future?

Thank you. Yes I hope I would have been shocked, seen all the red flags and run. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if we had started properly dating that day. If he had been really into me would we be happy? Or would his issues have got to me after a while. He can be very neurotic and anxious. I wonder how I would have coped.

I think my guy has intimacy issues. And commitment issues.

He said fairly recently that he was sad because he’s never been in a relationship in which there’s a true reciprocation of feeling. He was clearly with his girlfriend at this point. I hated hearing this statement and I was thinking, what am I to you? But I had no idea that he was actually saying it in the context of having a girlfriend. Unless that was one of the brief hours in which they had split up.

Thank you. I was naive and trusting. I treat people well and I always see the best in them. This time to my detriment.

I always find that imaginary exercise hard. I think truthfully I would encourage her to follow her gut but I don’t know. I didn’t have relationship role models growing up. I’m having to learn everything myself now, post divorce, in my 40s.

So a bit like yourself then?