Internet date had a girlfriend for the past year

[FeelingSad99]

I haven’t posted for years so starting afresh with a new username.

I am very amicably divorced (3 years now) with two pre teen children. I started internet dating in late 2020 and learned a huge amount. The last time I dated was 20 years earlier!

The first guy I really clicked with cancelled our first date on the day, then the next day there was a further Covid lockdown. We messaged for 9 months and became very close but then he disappeared and it later transpired that he was gay.

I had a break from the apps then last January matched with a seemingly great guy. He was a similar age, similar profession. We had the same taste in music, films, art, etc. It was just great. I met him a month later and the first date was lovely and we got on very well and kissed. He was my first first date in about 20 years.

However, a few days later he explained he wasn’t sure about the chemistry. Fair enough. I was disappointed but I understood and appreciated his honesty. The night before our date he had been out with a female friend until 3am and was hungover. In retrospect I realise this was a woman he was pursuing.

Fast forward 3-4 weeks and he gets back in touch wanting a second chance. He felt like he didn’t give us a proper chance. I really liked him and thought we were great together on that first date so I agreed and we met for drinks. He was super keen and we had another wonderful evening. The next day I get another text to say he’s not feeling it.

This basically went on and off for most of 2022. We would have an incredible date and the better it was, the harder he would panic and freak out. He was seemingly inexperienced, never had a long term relationship before and I also suspected he had mild ASD. I was patient and gentle with him.

Then he tells me that he and his female friend have become ambiguous in their friendship and they want to give it a go. I was upset but stepped away, asking him not to contact me again. They broke up and he said he wanted to pursue a proper relationship with me. I was massively hesitant to even meet him but he was very sweet and I agreed. On the date he announces that we can be friends after all. I freak out because he’s led me on.

We didn’t see each other for several months but he got in touch because he had my ticket to a future event. We ended up being friends and I invited him to a party.

After Christmas he wanted to meet as friends, which we did. I was willing to be friends because I had never met anyone who I had so much in common with. He was like my twin. We had the same upbringing, same part of the country a few miles apart, same cultural references. I just loved his company so much. During that meal he made a huge pass at me and we had a wonderful romantic evening. I didn’t go back to his place despite him asking.

We met a week later and he was completely different. Very cool and jumpy.

I just couldn’t cope anymore. I blocked him on Whatsapp. He realised and phoned after a few days and was full of apologies. We agreed he would leave me alone. He didn’t. I then sent him a very firm text that said date me properly or never contact me again. About 1-2 weeks later he texted to say he was thinking about how he had behaved. Another week later he messaged to see how I am. Another week later he asks me out on a proper date but doesn’t confirm specific details.

This weekend he was replying in a slightly different way. I asked him for reassurance. He says he’s still sorting his life out. He then confesses that he has a girlfriend who I suspect he was seeing from the beginning. This is the friend who he was ambiguous with before.

Previously they broke up because he says he has this huge emotional connection to her but he doesn’t fancy her and he can’t get aroused by her. He says this is still all an issue but clearly he can’t seem to break up with her. He says it’s complicated and changing and he can’t date me because he’s with her.

I feel like such a fool. I have been wishing and hoping for a proper relationship with him for over a year. I’m wondering if he was actually with her all this time.

He has lied and cheated a lot.

My stupid heart still has feelings for him. I don’t know why I can’t stop caring about him and move on. I only found out yesterday. I’m so heartbroken and confused by the whole thing.

Any thoughts or advice welcome. There is loads more to it but I appreciate this is already long and I can answer if you have questions. Thank you.

Good lord, I'd hoped you tell your daughter to know her own worth and to not let someone treat her like this.

He sounds like a nut job. No thank you

Sorry @FeelingSad99 - that came across as a bit harsh. What you have written about them sounds just like you and him? Don't you think?

I don’t think so. I want him to myself. He knows this. I have repeatedly told him that I won’t share him. I want him sexually and emotionally.
He says that she doesn’t care what he does physically with other people. I care very much.
When I found out yesterday that he was with her I was nearly sick.

I probably would say that. I don’t know. I find it difficult to imagine.

He and I have never argued either. I have reprimanded him a couple of times when he deserved it but we don’t argue. I’m not saying this is a good thing.

@FeelingSad99 - I get why you were so attracted to him. When you have quirky interests it's great when you meet someone who shares them.

I also get the impressions that part of you're attraction to him is that "he lets you in" and shared so much with you. But you need to listen less to what he says and start looking more at what he does.

Your posts are so full of "he says". You've lost yourself in there. What he says is irrelevant because he's a self-absorbed plonker who doesn't give a damn if people are hurt by his behaviour, he just cares if that hurt then has a negative impact on him. So he only starts caring about the negative impact on you when you pull away, but while you're sitting there stunned and hurt by what he says he doesn't give a toss.

So pay attention - he has hurt you, he has hurt other girls he's been involved with, and he happily hits on other girls who are friends with his "girlfriends". He will continue to do this. These are his actions. He has shown you who he is with these actions. BELIEVE IT!!!!

But you've laid yourself out on a plate for him so many times....and he always picks someone else.

It doesn't really matter why.

(Though I'm thinking BPD/player/misogynist who could also have ASD if that's what you believe).

You need to wake up and smell the coffee sweetheart. He lies easier than he breathes. He's not the man you are hopefully for.

Is BPD bipolar or borderline?

He always wants what he can’t have. Apart from in this situation where he seems to want her enough to stay and she wants him too. He said she told him that she is in love with him.

I think if I moved on and met someone new he would be full of regret. In fact I think he even said that to me once!

@OrderOfTheKookaburra
Thank you. Wise words.

If it was borderline, I just read this and I can definitely see some similarities.
https://psychcentral.com/pro/exhausted-woman/2017/02/an-interesting-mix-male-borderline-personality-disorder#5

I do wonder whether his deep attachment to her is related to attachment issues. I think he has a fear of abandonment. This article mentions that too.

Could it explain why he doesn’t want to break up with her despite him saying that the relationship just doesn’t work and the physical side isn’t there?

I really think you need to stop analysing him and start focusing on yourself and how you might go about modelling healthy relationships for your daughter. This isn't healthy.

I’m just trying to understand what happened so I can put it away and hopefully move on. Understanding what happened gives me some peace.

This sums it up so well.

Yes but you are focusing on the wrong thing - you are trying to understand why he did things. You should be trying to understand why you ignored so many red flags and let yourself be treated like this for over a year.

@FeelingSad99 you need to stop analysing everything, drop him and move on. You will never get the answers you so
obvioisly crave because he will never tell you the truth.
Stop giving him attention and fuelling the drama.

I get what you say about wanting to understand what happened, so you can get peace & move on.

But most of what you say indictates, on sone level, you want to understand how he can break free of his girlfriend to be with you & understand how much you appreciate & value him. & then develop a new moral compass.

He's empowered enough to cheat & lie repeatedly, to try & wreck her friendship cos it suited his desires. He's empowered enough to ignore your requests to stop hurting you & choose you or stop contact.

So actually he's empowered enough to break things off with her, if thats what he really wants.

Thank goodness for you, it isn't. He wants to keep stringing you along, her along- & others too, in time.

That's what's happening. That's your answer.
He's been looking for a way to get everything that suits him. That included you not requiring him to commit & you not having expectations of him. So he can carry on getting everything his way, however much that hurts others.

You say you could see him trying it on your daughters friends when they're of age.

Please imagine a better future for yourself.

Any future with him won't look like you want it to.

You say youre learning, google Natalie Lu Baggage Reclaim & her other work.

I see he says he wants marriage and babies. That's Future Faking & it's the tip of the iceberg

Give yourself a time limit for attempting to understand his behaviour further, then turn your energy back to you and moving on, a bit wiser & much better off without him.

This man has more tales and stories than Mother Goose. Why not find someone with less drama. This sounds like high school dating for adults.

No amount of common life and professional experiences could make this man a properly functioning adult.

Life is too short to spend it listening to the endless chapters of his love life.

Why are you obsessing to this extent? He has a girlfriend, it's not you, that's all you need to to know.

Urgh, he sounds repellent.

I think the best thing you can do is assume everything he has told you is a lie. None of it sounds even remotely plausible. Read it back to yourself and imagine what you'd say to someone who spun you this tale of absolute horseshit and wanted your advice on it. You'd think their head buttoned up the back.

You know what's great about the internet? You can look people's socials up and find out a lot about them before you even start talking to them. So all the 'quoting the line from an obscure film from the seventies' is EXACTLY how sociopathic nightmares get you hooked in the first place, because they've seen the blueprint of who you are laid out before them to cherry pick the 'Oh my GOD, I can't believe you like Albanian techno too! What are the chances??' moments. Turns out you're not as intuitive as you think you are, right?

You've been played, my darling, Good and Proper. For your own self worth, do not give him a moment's more thought. He's not special, or damaged, or 'just needs the right woman'. He's a narcissistic bell end, and you are well rid. The way he talks about other women is revolting.

Block him on everything. Cry your heart out, moan to your friends until they threaten to disown you, drink yourself inside out if needs be, but ignore and forget him.

And then start work on yourself so that you don't fall for any sort of this grade A bullshit in the future. You need to stop it with the saviour complex, or you're going to end up right back where you started with another 'quirky individualist' who can't keep it in his pants.

This is a clusterfuck.

Why are you so invested in him when he’s never invested anything in you?

Read and reread @LadyOfTheCanyon ’s post above because she’s absolutely correct. All of this “connection” and “we love all the same authors/movies/whatever” is just him dredging through your online history and regurgitating things he knows you want to hear. He gets off on knowing that he has completely fooled you to the point that you’re dangling on his every word.

Stop falling for it. None of it is real.

In future, end things with men the instant they say they aren't interested. Don't let them change their mind. That would've been after date one or at most two.

Stop diagnosing them with anything or making excuses.

Agree with this.

Never make a man say he's not interested in you more than once.

Why are you dating a cheat? You're as bad as he is.

You seem absolutely ok with him generally speaking about women in a horrible way.