Do I deserve to be validated

[YeahWellWhoKnew]

We've been married 2 years. My last marriage ended very quickly and unexpectedly. My ex wife told me she was gay and left me and the kids and moved in with her partner. Years later we're obviously divorced and share equal 50/50 care of the kids. I'll admit I'm bitter. I funded my ex wife's education and life, as soon as she qualified she left. I've never recovered financially and yet she lives the life or Reilly with her partner a geeat job, off on three holidays a year and to be honest, I hate her.

My new wife knows all this. She is so laid back and loving. I trust her 100%, first person in years. She gives me no signs to mistrust her and our relationship is great.

I admit I'm jealous. I try really hard with this and have been in therapy for PTSD (Military related) but this therapy has helped me overall. I hate being this way and my wife knows how I am. She's not a jealous person in the slightest so don't think she really gets it.

She had, let's say, an active sex life over the years. Allthough I hate the thought of that, I work really hard in myself not to let it effect me. I'm a serious overthinker but again try not to let her past bother me (because I know she did nothing wrong) and I don't make her feel bad about it either. Why should I, we didn't know each other and she was single.

All I ask of her is that she doesn't go into detail of her past because I know I'll dwell on things or overthink. I don't want to hear about exes or where they went etc. Now I know many of you will say we all have a past, we do, she did nothing wrong etc etc. I know all this but I can't help how my brain works.

I try to tell my wife how some of her comments dig into me, for example on honeymoon she said let's go have sex in the sea, I say OK and off we go. I stop and she says not here, it doesn't work here we need to go in more, stand up, I'll do this etc etc. I respond with how do you know, and she looks at me in silence. My response was well you've obviously done this before and it put me off so we left.

If the boot waa on the other foot that wouldn't bother her in the slightest. She'd probably laugh and say did it work back then.

I wish i was like that. All I want it for her to validate how I feel and to acknowledge we're different. I have other examples but won't list them all because I know I'll be told I'm being ridiculous and I probably agree.

I don't know if it's even possible to change. I really wish I could but I also wish she acknowledged who I am an give a little more support in it by leaving the past where it belongs and not refer to it

You sound hard work and like you’re always waiting to trip her up….. sorry but it’s you that needs to work on this, when something effects you, you have to learn to let it wash over you and past you and not effect the present moment. You can choose not to let it ruin there current here and now or else you’re going to ruin this relationship.

It sounds like you are constantly wrestling with your thoughts and feelings, so that’s quite hard on you, and no doubt on your wife too.
The example you gave - sounds like she was on eggshells and you forced it out of her.

In your shoes I wouldn’t badger her anymore. You have to find a way to quiet down the obsessive thoughts, push them aside as they are totally unhelpful and poison your life (and that of your wife).

Practice being more light-hearted. The past is gone but you seem to be trapped in it.

It’s your issue, and nothing whatsoever to do with her, as is your hatred of your ex and your military service. You need to deal with it, and stop policing her behaviour. It must be exhausting trying to not fuel your jealous paranoia, and to keep up the pretence the world was created the day you met. You acknowledge your own past continually throughout your post (your military experience, your marriage) as justifications for the way you behave. She gets to have a past too., and no, she shouldn’t be ‘validating’ a behaviour that is likely to end your marriage if you don’t deal with it.

I doubt she is constantly referring to things from her past but you need to accept that she had experiences that haven't included you. I can see you driving her away, it's not really up to her to understand that you feel jealously when she doesnt - feeling jealousy about things that have happened before you met is odd and is something to work through in your therapy. She sounds great and her past is part of making her who she is now.

I honestly don't think she needs to validate your feelings.

You had no right to marry again with all that anger and jealousy, your poor wife.
You need a better counsellor or you'll drive her away. She shouldn't pay for the perceived sins of your ex.

Your jealousy and insecurity is your issue to solve, not here to pander to. You need to get some more therapy and take responsibility for the fact that this is our problem. How much do you talk about your ex wife? Is your current wife expected to listen to that?

She married you. Not sure what stronger validation there is. Honestly, it’s your problem to deal with, not your wife’s.

You will be heading for divorce number 2 if you don't deal with your issues.

I was kind of on your side until the sex in the sea story. You made it sound like she is always bringing up her ex’s and what they did which would be a bit grating for anyone. You brought up the past with the sea sex! This is a you problem and she’s right not to “validate” this nonsense.

As for your ex who retrained and left? SoundS like someone getting their ducks in a row for a long time to be able to leave a bad marriage.

You told her you didn’t want details, so she remained silent about the sea experience, and then you sulked about it anyway? Can you see how toxic that is? It’s really not fair on her.

I had an ex who sounds a lot like how you describe this relationship. He adored me - or he thought he did. He had an idea of who he thought I was and if I said anything that deviated from that, he would get really angry. He didn’t really like me at all. He liked who he wanted me to be. Have a long hard think: if you really do love your wife - as she is - you need to be the one to make changes. Don’t claim to love her but actually want her to behave differently to how she does…

You're 100% wrong about marriage one

Thanks for the only constructive reply for someone seeking support and help and not a bashing

You’re getting help, for heaven’s sake! It would be considerable less helpful for you if people encouraged you in your delusion that your wife owes you the ‘validation’ of pretending she is who you want her to be, a woman with no sexual past! If you can’t see that, I can see why your therapy hasn’t been effective. Take responsibility for your own damaging habits of mind!

Sorry for the typos, dog jumping on me!

*not hers to pander to
*this is your problem

OP, seriously, with that sex in the sea story, how was she meant to win? You told her told to tell you her past, so she didn’t tell you how she knew, you still sulked. What should she have done? Lied to your face and said she’d read about it or something? How is she meant to manage your jealousy?

I have mixed feelings on this. I wouldn't enjoy references to sex with other people either and tbh it would put me off. BUT I think you need to remind yourself of the hypocrisy. Not only have you had sex before, you had a wife and kids. My DP occasionally feels a bit like you about my past and tbh it pisses me off because I am dealing with him having had a bloody kid and a wife before, don't you think that's a bit more serious, intimate and designed to only happen with one person than sex is? Don't lose sight of that. She may be naturally relaxed about it, but she is far more affected by your past than you are by hers. Both by their physical presence, and the fact that you are still emotionally invested in your former relationship - as you feel such bitterness towards your ex wife.

It feels from your post like bitterness and jealousy is a major problem for you. I would continue to address that in therapy, it sounds like this is the thing with the most potential to negatively affect you and others.

Pretty much every reply here has been constructive OP. The fact that you are not able to see that says an awful lot. This is 100% your issue, your poor wife has done nothing wrong.

I don't say this lightly, but I would suggest if your marriage has any hope of a future you need to get some professional help with how you are feeling and behaving. The thing working in your favour is that you do at least recognise that your first marriage has damaged you. Don't make this your new wife's problem.

I think this sums it all up.

It sounds like you've had some really difficult previous experiences and it's not surprising that you struggle with certain things now. However, with kindness, this is your stuff. Your emotional baggage and your responsibility to continue to work on if you want your marriage to work. If your wife was behaving unreasonably (ie openly gloating about previous partners) then my response would be different. But in all honesty you're being unreasonable in asking her to effectively delete her past. Whilst I don't believe you're doing it out of malice, it's really quite controlling. And I'd strongly refute the idea that your brain works like this and therefore won't ever change. I'd suggest this attitude acts is a diffusion of responsibility for you and is definitely something your therapist would likely disagree with. Food for thought.

OP mumsnet is a very blunt place sometimes, particularly for men, step mums and mother in laws 😉.

What people are saying is true but the delivery isn’t as gentle as you might prefer it to be. Your behaviour is unfair to your wife. When someone is struggling as you are it’s practically impossible to avoid upsetting them but that is not hers to fix, it’s yours.

You said something along the lines of I can’t help that I think this way, you absolutely can. You can’t help your initial thought at the moment, but you don’t have to engage with that thought and you don’t have to act on it. You know you are insecure, so rather than following the insecure thought, label it as ‘that’s one of those insecure thoughts I get sometimes’ and move on with whatever you were doing.

The more you change the pattern of thought and reaching the more ingrained it will become and eventually the insecure thought won’t be the automatic one.

*thought and reaction

You're not being entirely honest about 'all you want' though, are you? You say all you want is for her to acknowledge and validate your feelings and differences. But that's not true is it, as it sounds to me she is doing that. A woman who wasn't trying her best wouldn't have been so accepting of your sulk over the incident in the sea for one thing.
What you really want is for your wife not to have had a past at all, and presumably to restrict her present so she never inadvertently creates a situation that might trigger you. The first is impossible, the second unreasonable.
From what you've said, your wife doesn't need to change a thing. It's you that needs to keep working on yourself, for both your sakes. Seriously, if you love this woman, don't make her a victim of your problems. It's cruel and unfair. When the feelings start, check yourself, hold back and remind yourself she is an innocent party here. If you can't do that, it's probably not fair of you to even be in a relationship at this time.

Thank you for that ❤️

You need to speak to a professional counsellor about your issues. Spend a couple of years in therapy.

you're poor wife.
She owed you nothing before she met you.

you're trying to project your shame on to her. She deserves better.

Some of these replies are really harsh. Let's be constructive.