Do I deserve to be validated

[YeahWellWhoKnew]

We've been married 2 years. My last marriage ended very quickly and unexpectedly. My ex wife told me she was gay and left me and the kids and moved in with her partner. Years later we're obviously divorced and share equal 50/50 care of the kids. I'll admit I'm bitter. I funded my ex wife's education and life, as soon as she qualified she left. I've never recovered financially and yet she lives the life or Reilly with her partner a geeat job, off on three holidays a year and to be honest, I hate her.

My new wife knows all this. She is so laid back and loving. I trust her 100%, first person in years. She gives me no signs to mistrust her and our relationship is great.

I admit I'm jealous. I try really hard with this and have been in therapy for PTSD (Military related) but this therapy has helped me overall. I hate being this way and my wife knows how I am. She's not a jealous person in the slightest so don't think she really gets it.

She had, let's say, an active sex life over the years. Allthough I hate the thought of that, I work really hard in myself not to let it effect me. I'm a serious overthinker but again try not to let her past bother me (because I know she did nothing wrong) and I don't make her feel bad about it either. Why should I, we didn't know each other and she was single.

All I ask of her is that she doesn't go into detail of her past because I know I'll dwell on things or overthink. I don't want to hear about exes or where they went etc. Now I know many of you will say we all have a past, we do, she did nothing wrong etc etc. I know all this but I can't help how my brain works.

I try to tell my wife how some of her comments dig into me, for example on honeymoon she said let's go have sex in the sea, I say OK and off we go. I stop and she says not here, it doesn't work here we need to go in more, stand up, I'll do this etc etc. I respond with how do you know, and she looks at me in silence. My response was well you've obviously done this before and it put me off so we left.

If the boot waa on the other foot that wouldn't bother her in the slightest. She'd probably laugh and say did it work back then.

I wish i was like that. All I want it for her to validate how I feel and to acknowledge we're different. I have other examples but won't list them all because I know I'll be told I'm being ridiculous and I probably agree.

I don't know if it's even possible to change. I really wish I could but I also wish she acknowledged who I am an give a little more support in it by leaving the past where it belongs and not refer to it

It sounds like your self-esteem has had a knocking and it's up to you to sort it out. No-one else.

Look at the evidence of your wife's affiliations, your kids and friends. Notice compliments given.

Each night think about something you did well, or you managed to do even though it may have been hard.

Humans need 9 positives to counteract one negative, and a wife leaving you is a huge negative.

I do think there is something in the sex in the sea stuff. There's an old cultural message still lurking, that women must be chaste and save themselves for the man they love. She had a life before you, she is a sexual being. She is now choosing to be with you, as you are her. I would say this is cultural misogyny, and a lot of us hold this view. Women are still vilified for being sexually active. Men are not.

This is a really important point OP that it would be good to get your proper thoughts on, rather than a defensive or kneejerk reaction, as it may help you understand why people feel what you're asking is very unreasonable.

You've asked her "can you please not say anything about the past because I'll make it something it's not" which means you've asked an adult to not discuss their life before you to avoid your reaction, rather than you committing to changing that reaction, despite the fact that the reminders of your life before her are ever present (rightly so, they're your kids!) for her.

Can you see the hypocrisy in that?

Again try not to react just default defensive as it could be really useful to you to properly consider people's posts even if they feel confronting.

I admit I'm jealous. I try really hard with this and have been in therapy for PTSD (Military related) but this therapy has helped me overall. I hate being this way and my wife knows how I am. She's not a jealous person in the slightest so don't think she really gets it.

Can you explain this a little more OP?

You say you're jealous - does that mean that in addition to the issues you have with her past life before you, you also worry if she goes out without you / was to make a new friend and start spending time with them etc?

If she has a night out, do you panic? Do you ask her lots of questions when she gets back? Or sulk if she's out later than you would have preferred her to be?

I'm trying to gauge if the issue is exclusively about her past or if it also has an impact on how you react to the present too.

It's an anonymous forum so you'll get the best advice if you're completely honest.

No I have absolutely no issue with her going out with friends. I don't bombard her when she's out, I don't question.her when she's back, I don't ever look at her phone and never feel The need to. I trust her 100%. I don't like how she refers to past experiences with men which are mostly off the cuff comments. There are a few things she's said that's stuck with me that I know are silly, she once said to me you should play rugby, they have great bodies, I watch it just for the men and my ex played the guitar it was so hot. You should play. I'm neither a rugby player nor musician. So when she says comments lime that I wonder if I'm good enough they I start to overthink well if he was that hot is she comparing me... I've asked her not to say stuff like that and before anyone says it doesn't matter its just comments, it matters to me and I can't see how anyone would be happy with a partner saying how hot their ex was

There are a few things she's said that's stuck with me that I know are silly, she once said to me you should play rugby, they have great bodies, I watch it just for the men and my ex played the guitar it was so hot. You should play. I'm neither a rugby player nor musician.

Ah I remember your previous threads now OP.

Did you act on any of the advice on those threads to seek some counselling for this issue specifically?

If my partner said 'you should start running, runners have great bodies' then I would think he was being an insensitive dick. But it's hard to tell whether it's as black and white as that because as you yourself have acknowledged, your thinking on this is clouded by your issues with her past.

This has been an issue for a while now as I remember the rugby example you've shared before. What have you tried when it comes to this topic? What's worked? What hasn't?

I’m not sure what’s the relationship between your ex and your need to avoid talking about your current partner about her exes.

As you are seeing a therapist, have you talked about it with them?
What did they say?

Re asking for support.
I actually think asking for HELP is ok. But asking her to constantly monitor what she says isn’t ok.
eg your example of sex in the sea, seeing the circumstances it would have been unreasonable to ask her to think that it was a sign she had done it befire blabla…
But asking her to avoid mentioning them - like ‘oh I went there with Adam 3 years ago’ is more reasonable.

A reminder.
Asking her tI avoid mentioning her exes doesn’t mean you can ask her to NEVER mention them. And that you can feel let down etc… if she does from time to time.

How am I off the mark?

Both you and your ex wife didn’t rush into new relationships and move people into your children’s lives? Before either of you actually thought about what were you were doing.

You not liking what I said doesn’t mean it’s not correct. I have gone from what you posted

There are a few things she's said that's stuck with me that I know are silly, she once said to me you should play rugby, they have great bodies, I watch it just for the men and my ex played the guitar it was so hot. You should play.

If she said that like this with no real reasons so it’s out if the blue, then her comment was out of line.
There is no need to compare you with her exes, your body to them or to ask you to do X or Y so you are ‘hot’ in that way too….
Tone of voice is important there too - was she joking? And fo your told her it made you uncomfortable, has she made more comments along those lines since then?

No. My ex wife was in a relationship for 8 months before the kids were introduced and me 9 months. So as I said, you're off the mark

And how long since your ex wife left? How long since the divorce?

How long did you date your wife before marrying?

8 and 9 months is still very quick. Especially since both you and your ex are in relationships you are unhappy with. That’s the point. You involved your kids when both relationship have little chance of being successful long term.

Any thoughts on this OP?

It would be helpful to know what you took from the previous thread as people are likely to give the same sort of feedback as the situation doesn't sound like it's changed, so I thought I would ask.

With reference to your honeymoon example, your wife didn’t mention her past, you did. You are not asking for validation, you are asking for your wife to constrained by your own issues.

You phrase your expectation in such a way that makes it sound that you are not asking for much. Put yourself in your wife’s shoes for a second, being expected to pretend that she didn’t have a life before you, where’s the line or distinction you expect her to make? You aren’t seeing the hundred’s of times she’s bitten her lip, driven herself crazy trying to figure out what would trigger you or the person she has been forced to become to accommodate your issues.

I’m glad you’re getting support but you do well to consider that your issues impact her too.

No. My ex wife was in a relationship for 8 months before the kids were introduced and me 9 months. So as I said, you're off the mark

That is still quite quick for them to meet their parents partners.

How long were you and your now wife together before she moved in with you and the kids?

The kids went through their mum leaving the family home to move in with the partner she left you for, which must have been really upsetting for them.

I can understand why posters are just saying that perhaps more caution should have been taken when it came to introducing them to both of your partners.

And therein lies the problem.

*You've asked her "can you please not say anything about the past because I'll make it something it's not" which means you've asked an adult to not discuss their life before you to avoid your reaction, rather than you committing to changing that reaction, despite the fact that the reminders of your life before her are ever present (rightly so, they're your kids!) for her.

Can you see the hypocrisy in that?

Again try not to react just default defensive as it could be really useful to you to properly consider people's posts even if they feel confronting*

Exactly.

Any thoughts on this OP, as you've not addressed my comment about your kids?

Would you be ok with it if your wife asked you not to mention your kids as it was upsetting to her for you to mention your past?

I really think acknowledging the double standard there could help you move forward.

I'm not here to discuss how I raise my children. You disagree with these times, that's fine. I don't

You've asked her "can you please not say anything about the past because I'll make it something it's not" which means you've asked an adult to not discuss their life before you to avoid your reaction, rather than you committing to changing that reaction, despite the fact that the reminders of your life before her are ever present (rightly so, they're your kids!) for her.

Can you see the hypocrisy in that?

Again try not to react just default defensive as it could be really useful to you to properly consider people's posts even if they feel confronting.

No I can now... tbh it's not something I thought of if I'm honest but I absolutely see that point now. And of course there's a level of hypocrisy, albeit unintentional. She's never ever had an issue or complained but I see that thos doesn't necessarily mean it doesn't bother her

So you won’t answer how long ago you and the ex wife split up or your children.

It was either a long long time ago. Or there was very little time between splitting and introducing partners.

It’s telling that you only want to discuss things that you agree with. Crack on. Keep repeating the same mistakes.

With respect OP, the questions are being asked because it's usually that family dynamics overall also have an impact on other things.

Totally get you being defensive over your kids, however I will say that they will absolutely been impacted on the sit up, new partners, marriages etc. You just don't see it and many don't til they are older and teens etc can articulate themselves, often coming out in anger.

And your ptsd/issues with current wife..... I thought I'd shielded my DDs from my ptsd etc..... Its only after 4yrs of therapy I'm seeing the impact I've actually had on them and it breaks my heart.

Years ago I was in London with an ex and we walked past a coffee shop near where I used to work. I made a comment about loving the coffee there and his face closed over. Immediate sulk because it was a reference to something I'd enjoyed before I met him. It's an extreme example but, for your wife, she will be thinking if she mentions something innocuous from the past then you will infer that it was something she did with another man.

With the sea sex thing, she was trying to get frisky with YOU but you ruined it for you both.

I've answered the children part. The rest is irrelevant

So you would be ok if he said oh I love tjis restaurant I've eaten here loads and you knew it was with his ex?

Of course! It's just a restaurant. I would hate to have someone vetting every thought in case it turned into words that made a casual reference to an ex. You can't expect someone to behave like they didn't exist before you.

In my case, it was a coffee shop that I loved. Didn't go there with any exes, maybe went with a couple of colleagues over the years, but my (now) ex hated the reference to something in my life before him. It dragged the day down.

Why wouldnt it be OK? I've taken DH to bars/restaurants I frequented when I lived in London..... But I don't sit and say oh I remember this one time when xyz......