Do I deserve to be validated

[YeahWellWhoKnew]

We've been married 2 years. My last marriage ended very quickly and unexpectedly. My ex wife told me she was gay and left me and the kids and moved in with her partner. Years later we're obviously divorced and share equal 50/50 care of the kids. I'll admit I'm bitter. I funded my ex wife's education and life, as soon as she qualified she left. I've never recovered financially and yet she lives the life or Reilly with her partner a geeat job, off on three holidays a year and to be honest, I hate her.

My new wife knows all this. She is so laid back and loving. I trust her 100%, first person in years. She gives me no signs to mistrust her and our relationship is great.

I admit I'm jealous. I try really hard with this and have been in therapy for PTSD (Military related) but this therapy has helped me overall. I hate being this way and my wife knows how I am. She's not a jealous person in the slightest so don't think she really gets it.

She had, let's say, an active sex life over the years. Allthough I hate the thought of that, I work really hard in myself not to let it effect me. I'm a serious overthinker but again try not to let her past bother me (because I know she did nothing wrong) and I don't make her feel bad about it either. Why should I, we didn't know each other and she was single.

All I ask of her is that she doesn't go into detail of her past because I know I'll dwell on things or overthink. I don't want to hear about exes or where they went etc. Now I know many of you will say we all have a past, we do, she did nothing wrong etc etc. I know all this but I can't help how my brain works.

I try to tell my wife how some of her comments dig into me, for example on honeymoon she said let's go have sex in the sea, I say OK and off we go. I stop and she says not here, it doesn't work here we need to go in more, stand up, I'll do this etc etc. I respond with how do you know, and she looks at me in silence. My response was well you've obviously done this before and it put me off so we left.

If the boot waa on the other foot that wouldn't bother her in the slightest. She'd probably laugh and say did it work back then.

I wish i was like that. All I want it for her to validate how I feel and to acknowledge we're different. I have other examples but won't list them all because I know I'll be told I'm being ridiculous and I probably agree.

I don't know if it's even possible to change. I really wish I could but I also wish she acknowledged who I am an give a little more support in it by leaving the past where it belongs and not refer to it

I would say — and please bear in mind I'm not a mental health professional — that there's a difference between asking for support and asking for validation. External validation is false, substance-free; like candyfloss. The only lasting validation comes from within yourself. Support is different, in my view. It's less enabling.

I do understand (I'm not military myself but I come from a big army family). It is really difficult — but part of the process is getting out in front of disruptive thoughts before they catch hold.

I suppose I want to know what should I expect? Is it wrong of me to expect support by asking to do/say certain things to help me mange myself or not?
Yes. It’s wrong. You’d be asking her to pretend to be someone she’s not.

I completely agree with the poster who blamed misogyny. Your replies on here make it sound like you hate women and their opinions.

No one “deserves” external validation. Those who require external validation tend not to be happy people.
It sounds like you’re living in the past and letting it poison your life, and only you can sort it.

It’s hard work but possible. (I’m talking from experience here).

Leave the past behind, it’s gone, you need to find a way to move on.

Your current marriage sounds like it has the potential to be good, but you need to work out if you can do the work on yourself.

I found normal therapy to be awful, but if you’re ready for it something like NLP can help to address past issues and let them go.

I also found daily meditation an excellent way to stop the constant overthinking. Some may found this a bit woo, but it’s honestly changed my life, and for the sake of 20 minutes a day it’s worth trying. I was a complete miserable dementor 18 months ago, now I’m mostly happy and rarely overthink and let my thoughts ruin things.

So anybody who tries to point out the double standard (which is sexist) is a ''keyboard warrior''.

I have CPTSD myself and it's not an excuse to cause other people pain.

Well I take your comment as misandry as you clearly cannot separate a basic seek for help and advice from someone who hates women. So I suggest you present as a misnadrist

I think its reasonable to assume you believed the person suggesting misogyny was a woman? After all, men don't typically suggest its a factor, do they? However, that's not really the point. Substitute getting angry with 'women' for 'people' if that feels better. The point is that getting unfairly angry with other people isn't going to help you address the root of this problem.
And you're wrong actually. As a woman I freely admit to being guilty at times of internalised misogyny. I have to frequently challenge attitudes and behaviours I've been trained in from childhood. There's no shame in it, as long as it's recognised and worked on, and as part of that I have no problem with people pointing it out to me.

NLP?

My partner does this to me sometimes he’s honestly the loveliest man but it gets really annoying.

Has your wife ever spoken to you about this? I’ve told my partner how annoying it is and we all have a past I’ve even thrown up his past involves two kids when I’ve got no kids!

I understand it’s not nice to think about the ones we love with other people. My SD showed me photos of her as a baby and a few involved my partner his ex and SD I hated seeing that if I’m being honest but I kept it to myself. Every time you get that feeling you need to remember you have a past too and focus on the present and the future. I wish you the best luck

To answer your question… it’s not up to others to validate you. That’s something you need to learn for yourself.
Your wife had a life before you, she should be freely allowed to talk about that given that it’s you she’s with now. What do you expect her to do? Rewrite her history to appease your jealousy and insecurity?
You sound like an awful lot of hard work. And there are so many red flags here that your mental health doesn’t simply get you a “get out of jail free” card for.

Work on yourself. You can’t expect everyone around you to be bound by your own emotions.

Neurolinguistic programming - often seen as pseudoscience, but I’ve personally seen better results in people overcoming mental health problems and trauma using NLP than talking therapy/psychotherapy.

Thanks it's really helpful to hear from the other side. I really don't want her to feel bad or push her away. I genuinely do try really hard

Wow. An inability to take criticism of yourself without saying but, but, but...will render you very hard to live with. Utterly self absorbed. People did respond kindly, they gave their time to a stranger to help him see the other side. But you can't take criticism.

Absolutely this. Note also 'I' funded her education. No sign of it being family money given the ex was doing the childcare at the time.

OP, does your wife have kids of her own? If no, can you not see that if she felt as you did, every time she looked at your kids would be a reminder of you having sex with other people? Do you not feel duty bound to not take the piss when it comes to very occasional reminders that she's also had sex before, as a result? Can you see the hypocrisy?

Well I take your comment as misandry as you clearly cannot separate a basic seek for help and advice from someone who hates women. So I suggest you present as a misnadrist

Sure. You can think that. Or, you could think, “here are quite a few women, all putting time and effort into considered replies, many giving me similar feedback, and I’m telling them they’re wrong/unhelpful/man-hating… oh… wait. Maybe it’s not them that’s wrong…”

I don’t doubt that you’re finding things hard, or that you’re genuinely seeking support. However, I find it odd that you come onto a website frequented mostly by women, and dismiss many of our replies as unhelpful. If you genuinely want to change, maybe try rereading the responses with a mindset of ‘these are people with valid opinions; even if they differ from mine, I’m going to try to understand them’ and see if you take them any differently?

Is it wrong of me to expect support by asking to do/say certain things to help me mange myself or not?

It depends on what kind of support you are asking from her. There is a big difference between helpful support and enabling, or indeed harming to the supporter.
Just putting out one biscuit instead of a whole packet is good support, telling someone they can eat whatever they want and to hell with societal judgement is not good support.

Helping find professional therapists is good support, letting DH use you as an emotional punchbag is not.

So what exactly are you asking/wanting her to do/say to help you. Lets get to the nitty gritty part.

So in the scenario you describe, you asked her a question you knew the answer to. And you knew it was going to feed into your insecurities but you asked it anyway.

I'm just wondering what you feel she should have done in order to 'validate' you? Should she have just pretended she didn't know how to have sex in the sea and gone through the motions of discovering what worked with you?

That's the only thing I can think you mean. And that's not healthy. She has a past. You cannot change that and I don't think it's fair for you to be setting traps like this for her.

Irresponsible of you to marry again when you’re still pretty messed up. People who have irrational jealousy (for whatever reason) should remember that before a person met you they’re not going around saying I shouldn’t do this in case I meet so and so in the future. Better not have sex in the sea because I might meet someone in a few years who won’t like that I’ve done that already etc!

Get your head sorted and hopefully you can learn how to have a healthy relationship with your wife so you don’t end up divorced again.

@Iguanainanigloo I'm so glad someone pointed out that having sex in the sea is a truly terrible idea. For so many reasons.

Well you're wrong but if you want more info ask rather than assuming

Fellow military ptsd poster here.

The kinder posters have given some constructive advice. Ptsd is a shitter at the best of times, let alone when you have new editions in current life that add to the 100mph brain race.

Both me and DH both served, both came to the relationship with children (me 1 toddler, him 2 pre teens) but I had never married, he had. I used to get jealous over pics, old stories etc but as I've worked through my own issues, this has disappeared.

Your ptsd and your current insecurity may be linked but you need to work on the fact that everyone has a past (including you.... Not that I'm trying to stereotype but youve likely had a sexual past too). It makes us who we are here and now.....

In terms of validation, your wife validates you every time she says she loves you or cuddles you.

Your ptsd can control you and dictate a horrible souless path of the future..... Or you control the ptsd and the demons and allow yourself to be loved and valued. This is your journey, you decide how it progresses.

Possibly could be helpful

Another point.

All this is extremely unfair on your kids.

You describe being jealous of your ex wife’s life. But then also claimed she wanted you back. So she can be that happy. You clearly aren’t happy.

and both parents have, ridiculously quickly, split and introduced new live in partners. You married your partner, when you aren’t even ready for an actual relationship.

That’s not good for the children. Neither you or your wife have really put them first. If you can’t tackle your issues for yourself. Try and do it for your kids

You're completely off the mark here