Do I deserve to be validated

[YeahWellWhoKnew]

We've been married 2 years. My last marriage ended very quickly and unexpectedly. My ex wife told me she was gay and left me and the kids and moved in with her partner. Years later we're obviously divorced and share equal 50/50 care of the kids. I'll admit I'm bitter. I funded my ex wife's education and life, as soon as she qualified she left. I've never recovered financially and yet she lives the life or Reilly with her partner a geeat job, off on three holidays a year and to be honest, I hate her.

My new wife knows all this. She is so laid back and loving. I trust her 100%, first person in years. She gives me no signs to mistrust her and our relationship is great.

I admit I'm jealous. I try really hard with this and have been in therapy for PTSD (Military related) but this therapy has helped me overall. I hate being this way and my wife knows how I am. She's not a jealous person in the slightest so don't think she really gets it.

She had, let's say, an active sex life over the years. Allthough I hate the thought of that, I work really hard in myself not to let it effect me. I'm a serious overthinker but again try not to let her past bother me (because I know she did nothing wrong) and I don't make her feel bad about it either. Why should I, we didn't know each other and she was single.

All I ask of her is that she doesn't go into detail of her past because I know I'll dwell on things or overthink. I don't want to hear about exes or where they went etc. Now I know many of you will say we all have a past, we do, she did nothing wrong etc etc. I know all this but I can't help how my brain works.

I try to tell my wife how some of her comments dig into me, for example on honeymoon she said let's go have sex in the sea, I say OK and off we go. I stop and she says not here, it doesn't work here we need to go in more, stand up, I'll do this etc etc. I respond with how do you know, and she looks at me in silence. My response was well you've obviously done this before and it put me off so we left.

If the boot waa on the other foot that wouldn't bother her in the slightest. She'd probably laugh and say did it work back then.

I wish i was like that. All I want it for her to validate how I feel and to acknowledge we're different. I have other examples but won't list them all because I know I'll be told I'm being ridiculous and I probably agree.

I don't know if it's even possible to change. I really wish I could but I also wish she acknowledged who I am an give a little more support in it by leaving the past where it belongs and not refer to it

So you would be ok if he said oh I love this restaurant I've eaten here loads and you knew it was with his ex?

Genuinely OP, yes.

I don't know many people at all who would think twice about their partner saying 'oh I love it this restaurants I've eaten here loads' even if they knew it was with their ex.

It honestly wouldn't bother most people because it's just factual.

They like the restaurant.

They have an ex.

They used to go to the restaurant with that ex.

What is it that isn't ok with you when it comes to her making saying it about the restaurant?

This reaction is making me think poor wife no.2.

Yes! Of course. It’s a restaurant. My DP has a history. It’s part of who he is. I want to know him and continue learning about him so I’d be happy to hear about places he liked.

Honestly OP, the more you post the more irrational you sound. I'm actually feeling a little concerned for your wife. If every time the woman mentions something as trivial as eating in a restaurant you're triggered, your jealousy is off the scale and way outside the parameters of 'normal' behaviour. You also appear to have a short fuse when someone says something that displeases you, and your mental health sounds quite fragile. I genuinely hope you are getting the help you need.

No, obviously it isn't. Why should she moderate her behaviour and be banned from mentioning certain experiences or parts of her life because you can't deal with your feelings? You are an adult. Sort yourself out and behave like one! You sound controlling and jealous and misogynistic and I feel really sorry for your wife. You should not have been having a relationship, let alone marrying again, until you'd sorted yourself out. Expectimg her to "manage" your behaviour by making certain conversations taboo is completely unacceptable. The fact you even ask if this is ok is disturbing.

My ex wife was in a relationship for 8 months before the kids were introduced and me 9 months. So as I said, you're off the mark

Wow. So they've been subjected to both parents not only involving unrelated adults they barely know in their lives but also to them having miserable relationships with these strangers. Poor kids.

Seriously, mate, this is really extreme. I'm a man and my partner has had sex with a fair few other people before me. She was engaged to someone else before me.

She tells me often about things she did with exes, places she went, even funny sex stories about previous partners.

None of that bothers me, why would it? They're a part of her history, part of what makes her the person she is. And that person has chosen to spend her life with me.

The more you act like this, the more you'll push her away. She'll be afraid to talk about her past, or anything else for matter. She'll literally start locking away a part of herself, and it'll be entirely your fault.

Get some therapy, sort yourself out. Because it's your issue to sort, and she doesn't owe you any validation for it.

Now you can see that in terms of your question about the restaurant, no one would react the way that you would, can you see that this is faulty / unhelpful thinking and the issue is you not her?

That's my point. Of course it's OK to go, but there is no need to say anything about any experience with an ex

I think you have anxiety tbh, and like most people suffering with anxiety you are trying to avoid your triggers by controlling your environment. Unfortunately that isn’t going to work - you will just become more unable to cope with uncertainty and you’ll also drive people away in the process. You need to encounter the world as it is (including your wife’s past) and build in some coping mechanisms. Your fears will hopefully diminish if you let them surface, rather than avoiding them. Please don’t censor your wife - it’s not doing either of you any good.

I speak as a wife of an amazing man who struggles with anxiety and sometimes encounters some of the same thoughts you have.

That's my point. Of course it's OK to go, but there is no need to say anything about any experience with an ex

Ok but OP a number of us have explained that we genuinely wouldn't feel anything negative if our partner said 'that restaurant is great, me and Katie used to go loads when we lived nearby' or similar.

Because if you know your partner had an ex. And you know they've been to the restaurant lots of times. Why does it matter if you know it used to be with that ex? Why does it matter if they mention that?

I'm genuinely asking as I'm unsure what your issue would be with them saying something like that. What would you be jealous about? What would you be hurt by? What would you feel was inappropriate about it?

You really need to think before you post. Who said anything about bad relationships with partners?? No one. Both kids have excellent relationships with all 4 parents so you are basing your point on assumptions. This post has nothing to do with kids

Errr... you stated your wife is not happy with her partner and was asking you to take her back, so obviously that isn't a health my relationship, is it? Deceit etc. And as for your own, your comments show very clearly it is extremely unhealthy and must be miserable for your wife. And you don't exactly sound very happy, do you?

Thanks for replying. Can I please ask then, as the person on the other end, do you choose not to mention things that you know trigger your husband or do you say what you feel and allow him to manage and deal with his own anxiety?

And yes I have anxiety and have been medicated.

Tbf OP I think by miserable relationships that poster was referring to the issues you started this thread to discuss (which are very serious and nowhere near to a healthy relationship currently) and also to the fact that your ex wife's relationship doesn't sound especially happy either:

In actual fact exwife asked on a number of occasions post separation to get back together, told me plenty times that she'll always love me and she was forced into a situation and hates the fact I'm married again

And I'm afraid you're kidding yourself if you believe none of this will impact your children.

The issue I have with this is "do you choose not to mention things that you know you could trigger your husband" the things could be ANYTHING.

Having sex in the sea = trigger
A restaurant = trigger
A song she likes = trigger (my ex sulked over me saying I liked a song because he thought I might have listened to it with an ex)

If you ask her to do this then you are asking her to censor what she says to a degree so that nothing in the past can be mentioned in case you turn it into a potential ex trigger. You turned intimacy (sea sex) into something it shouldn't have been. YOU brought her ex in; not her.

Tbh nobody wants to hear where their significant other has been or done in the past with x, y & z. Given that your DW knows how you feel, it wasn't wise of her to suggest a fun sex activity and then make it so obvious that she'd done it all before. It's a tad cringe and really it's better to be original with suggestions than repeat.
Difficult to know if you are overly jealous or reacting to a bad case of mentionitis by your DW. It's actually bad form to bring up what you've done.

That's all I'm trying to get at... I agree some things don't need to be mentioned.

We are all different. I wish absolutely nothing bothered me and my wife and I could laughed joke about exes or experiences. I wish I was as good and perfect as some posters.

I come for help and get accused of being misogynistic and a bad parent.

Can't see me coming here for advice again

As a general rule I don’t limit what I say at all. The rare exception might be if I know my husband is already overwhelmed (this sometimes happens at transition times such as packing the car to go on holiday).

My husband’s therapist has been clear that I should not offer reassurance (btw, I think it’s reassurance you are seeking, not validation). If my husband is seeking reassurance from me I should say ‘I can’t reassure you’ and move on.

My husband does have strategies to manage his thoughts though. He keeps a worry book - he notes down any obsessive thoughts and he can come back to them the next day if he needs to, but he rarely does, they pass. Second, he relies on a few mantras to handle recurring tropes. Yours, on this issue, could be something like ‘there is a reason they are the exes and I am the husband!’. Third, sometimes he also steps back and just recognises that what he is feeling is anxiety, and it’s horrible but it will pass. The situation is not the problem, the anxiety is.

I think you said you had a counsellor - could you maybe talk about some concrete strategies for coping with this that don’t put the onus on your wife?

The problem is that your wife will never be able to validate you or reassure you enough to make you feel better and the chances are that the more she does reassure you or change herself to make you feel better the more you'll feel you'll need this. It will never be enough.

That's why therapy is so important. You need to start to build your self esteem from within and learn to soothe yourself when you feel irrationally angry or jealous rather than looking for external validation.

Have you done much reading about emotional regulation? Do you do any activities that help to improve your mental state? E.g. meditation, yoga, walking in nature, swimming, cycling etc.

In fairness, the entire human sexual repertoire isn’t so huge that you can start entirely afresh with each insecure new partner.

I mean, I’m uncomfortable with the suggestion that that the OP’s unfortunate wife needs to avoid sea sex on holiday in case her prior experience is evident and triggers another bout of paranoia, and instead cast about for increasingly niche things she’s never done — 69ing in a rollercoaster, reverse cowgirl in a field of tulips in bloom, whatever. Or to never betray the remotest previous familiarity with coffee shops, beaches, holiday destinations, London restaurants — or does she need to explain that she had a latte there with her sister in 2004? Or pretend she doesn’t know her way around the Marais?

I wish absolutely nothing bothered me and my wife and I could laughed joke about exes or experiences.

OP can you identify what it is you feel if you're reminded she has a past before knowing you?

This was the example you assumed most people would also have an issue with:

So you would be ok if he said oh I love this restaurant I've eaten here loads and you knew it was with his ex?

Can you explain what exactly it would make you feel? Is it just the reminder that she's had sex / relationships with people before you? And if so why does that reminder hurt you when you've also had sex / relationships (and marriage and kids!) with people before her?

This isn't me being snarky, I'm genuinely trying to get to grips with why something like that example would bother you.

Thanks that's really helpful

No I haven't and don't but I'll certainly look that up. I know it's not her place to do it, I know it's down to me to fix I just don't know how so probably relying on her to do it for me