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Relationships

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Original poster

New date makes weird 'jokes' at my expense

146 replies

LadyH846 · 14/04/2023 05:31

I have recently been on a couple of dates with a man who I liked and felt there was potential with.

There is one thing that bothers me about him. When we're joking around, he says critical or mean things. Some examples: he basically asked me in text how I felt about him and if I was interested in pursuing it further or not. English is not his first language and it sounded like he was referring to me and not him. I asked him what he meant, and he said, 'you're so self-involved', as a joke because I misunderstood who he was referring to.

Another 'joke' he made was that I was selfish, and 'I had no integrity'.

These jokes don't really hurt me because it's so clear from what he's saying that it's all BS and not applicable to me. But these comments are jarring and sort of shut down conversation because I don't know how to respond. I laugh in response but only out of surprise, not being tickled in a humorous way.

He told me on our first date that he has an inappropriate sense of humour and he gets it from one of his parents.

What would you do in this situation? Provide feedback that the critical/mean jokes aren't welcome or just bin him off? I'm not sure if you can ask someone to change their negative sense of humour but I can imagine it would get tedious for anyone to be with someone long term who makes these jokes.

He's only done it 3 times in the space of 2 dates and some text conversations in between.

He is otherwise a nice guy, interesting, smart, hardworking, and good looking.

OP posts:

Allezvite · 14/04/2023 05:36

Any date who told me, with no evidence to back it up, that I was selfish and had no integrity wouldn’t be getting another date. He’s showing you who he is already. These aren’t jokes, they are put downs that he pretends to be jokes so when you get offended or upset you can be in the wrong again for not having a sense of humour.

I wouldn’t see him again if I were you.

TheKobayashiMaru · 14/04/2023 05:39

I'd bin him off. Those jokes are intentional, not mistakes.

TheAustralian · 14/04/2023 05:40

I went on a few dates with a man who was exactly the same.
it got to the stage where I would dread a text from him. His excuse was that he had a “warped” sense of humour.

cut ties with him now before you start feeling anything for him.

Qwerty111 · 14/04/2023 05:44

So basically he has insulted your character 100% of the times you have seen him, plus additional digs by text in between.

He sounds super.

Aerosarethebest · 14/04/2023 05:45

Look up ´negging’. It’s a stupid pick up artist technique some idiots think will make women like them.

Original poster

LadyH846 · 14/04/2023 05:46

He's an acquaintance who I see sometimes for the hobby I do (which is a dance). It's a small community and I'll see him and most likely dance with him again in the future.

I'm not sure whether to give honest feedback on the comments or just say I'm not feeling it. Or say that I'm not over my ex, which is a valid excuse because I got out of a relationship not so long ago.

Hoping to avoid awkwardness.

OP posts:

7Worfs · 14/04/2023 05:47

I know the type. This guy will never treat you right, and if you were to raise it with him, he’d tell you you’re stuck up and have no sense of humour.

Original poster

LadyH846 · 14/04/2023 05:48

Thanks all for your input which is echoing my own feelings about it.

OP posts:

swayingpalmtree · 14/04/2023 05:56

They arent jokes, they are thinly disguised insults AKA negging which is a manipulation tactic. Telling someone they are selfish isnt a joke because it isnt funny. This will only get worse if you stay with him. Also agree that if you express to him that it upsets you he'll then say you're being "too sensitive" or "its ONLY a joke" thus minimising your feelings yet again.

Dump. He isnt a good guy.

seennothinglikeit · 14/04/2023 06:00

If English isn't his first language, is he using words he doesn't know the proper meaning of? Integrity is a word many British people don't use.
Not making excuses, it would annoy me either way so I'd wave goodbye.

Original poster

LadyH846 · 14/04/2023 06:02

His English is very good. He's been in this country 9 years and has a professional job which requires great language skills.

OP posts:

Goodread1 · 14/04/2023 06:03

Get shot off @LadyH846

Why are you even questioning 😕 whether to pursue this this new date anymore,

I would only question what he bases these judgemental comments on ,

Whether there is any truth in what he says or just bullshit 💯

If he can't validate back up these comments,

Just Ditch him As soon as possible

Before he fucks your head up emotionally

It will over time
Trust me on this , I have been there

Goodread1 · 14/04/2023 06:05

Drip drip water drops , chinese mental torture
There is a reason why it was used for a method of Punishment

Goodread1 · 14/04/2023 06:07

Oops I ment like drip drop effect emotional abuse effort over time,

Don't walk run...Dont dare to look back.

Massive red flags here 💯

HashBrownandBeans · 14/04/2023 06:09

He’s negging you. Men with low self esteem do it to keep you below them. There’s a guy at work doing it to me at the moment. 🙄

YukoandHiro · 14/04/2023 06:11

Negging. Don't fall for it. Bin him off.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 14/04/2023 06:14

"When you told me you had an inappropriate sense of humour I didn't realise just how I would feel about that. Having experienced it I now think we should just stay friends as I don't fancy being at the receiving end of that type of humour."

Mouthfulofquiz · 14/04/2023 06:16

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 14/04/2023 06:14

Absolutely send this.

Poppyblush · 14/04/2023 06:18

Dutch him. Have higher standards. Don’t let someone treat you like that.

Goodread1 · 14/04/2023 06:18

Also the fact he knows he is inappropriate

He has that self Awareness of his behaviour

And one of his parents has the same psychological twisted sense of warped humour

Shows how entrenched this behaviour really is,

I doubt he will ever change this kind of emotional abusive behaviour even if he wanted too,
As its so embedded in his emotional psyche, he will allways see it as Normal,
As that's what he allways known growing up,

Doesn't know any different,

Which obviously he is 👍 OK with inflicting this on you or come to that any unwary female who has misfortune to come across,

It will get even Worse over time

He is not a good guy,

He is not even friends material let alone potential Boyfriend/Partner

🏃‍♀️ 🏃‍♂️ run opposite direction for your life

knittingaddict · 14/04/2023 06:20

Exactly. It won't have inherited this "inappropriate" sense of humour from his mum, will he?

Goodread1 · 14/04/2023 06:22

Oops typo mistake omissions I ment to say Naive unsuspecting unwary female who has misfortune to come across

Original poster

LadyH846 · 14/04/2023 06:24

Yes, it is his father who 'jokes' this way.

OP posts:

Lemur97 · 14/04/2023 06:25

End it now. I dated someone who made 'jokes' like that within the first few months.

He went on to be very emotionally abusive and controlling. I spent £2K on therapy and was prescribed diazepam. His ex had him arrested three times.

TulipsandButterflies · 14/04/2023 06:26

LadyH846 · 14/04/2023 06:24

Yes, it is his father who 'jokes' this way.

I wonder what sort of life/marriage the poor mum has had then?

Dump him. He sounds awful.

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