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Original poster

New date makes weird 'jokes' at my expense

146 replies

LadyH846 · 14/04/2023 05:31

I have recently been on a couple of dates with a man who I liked and felt there was potential with.

There is one thing that bothers me about him. When we're joking around, he says critical or mean things. Some examples: he basically asked me in text how I felt about him and if I was interested in pursuing it further or not. English is not his first language and it sounded like he was referring to me and not him. I asked him what he meant, and he said, 'you're so self-involved', as a joke because I misunderstood who he was referring to.

Another 'joke' he made was that I was selfish, and 'I had no integrity'.

These jokes don't really hurt me because it's so clear from what he's saying that it's all BS and not applicable to me. But these comments are jarring and sort of shut down conversation because I don't know how to respond. I laugh in response but only out of surprise, not being tickled in a humorous way.

He told me on our first date that he has an inappropriate sense of humour and he gets it from one of his parents.

What would you do in this situation? Provide feedback that the critical/mean jokes aren't welcome or just bin him off? I'm not sure if you can ask someone to change their negative sense of humour but I can imagine it would get tedious for anyone to be with someone long term who makes these jokes.

He's only done it 3 times in the space of 2 dates and some text conversations in between.

He is otherwise a nice guy, interesting, smart, hardworking, and good looking.

OP posts:

Lemme · 14/04/2023 06:28

Agree with pp. Dump kindly and explain that the ‘inappropriate sense of humour’ is the problem. What a shame!

Original poster

LadyH846 · 14/04/2023 06:28

He also spent a lot of time on the 2 dates talking about his exes, which made me feel uncomfortable. His last ex broke off their engagement by text which hurt him a lot. I've had a couple of exes present sob stories like this in the past then when I spend time with them it turned out they deserved everything they got in their past relationship.

I know women aren't perfect, but I'm asking myself what makes a woman break off an engagement by text and refuse to see the person again? Maybe an emotionally abusive partner.

OP posts:

Original poster

LadyH846 · 14/04/2023 06:30

I think I am going to bin him off. Thanks to the poster who suggested being honest about his humour. I may send something like that.

OP posts:

Lemur97 · 14/04/2023 06:31

LadyH846 · 14/04/2023 06:28

I know women aren't perfect, but I'm asking myself what makes a woman break off an engagement by text and refuse to see the person again? Maybe an emotionally abusive partner.

My abusive ex also regularly told me how badly his ex had supposedly treated him.

Whiskyski · 14/04/2023 06:31

There are so many red flags OP.
He says something and you don’t know how to respond…. And then I’ll bet he criticises you for that too.

Spent a lot of your last dates talking about his exes and you felt uncomfortable….stop putting others comfort before your own.

If you need to see him again, just give some excuse like you’re better off as acquaintances. Not going to work as romantic partner. Remain cool and aloof about it. Anything else isn’t his business

Lemur97 · 14/04/2023 06:34

LadyH846 · 14/04/2023 06:30

I think I am going to bin him off. Thanks to the poster who suggested being honest about his humour. I may send something like that.

Don't go into reasons or he'll manipulate you into trying again.

Just say you don't feel any chemistry / think you're better as friends, then see him minimally at classes. Slow fade by text.

PattyDuckface · 14/04/2023 06:36

Bin him. It'll get worse not better

Iwas · 14/04/2023 06:41

Classic manipulate technique. I was married to one of these for 25 years, and this was one of the red flags I missed at the start.

If you dump him, and he comes back begging, promising to change, please stay away.

RudsyFarmer · 14/04/2023 06:44

Red flag!!! If this is leaking out so early then there will be bunting down the line!!

SpringLobelia · 14/04/2023 06:47

Allezvite · 14/04/2023 05:36

Any date who told me, with no evidence to back it up, that I was selfish and had no integrity wouldn’t be getting another date. He’s showing you who he is already. These aren’t jokes, they are put downs that he pretends to be jokes so when you get offended or upset you can be in the wrong again for not having a sense of humour.

I wouldn’t see him again if I were you.

Yes this. He is not so subtly working on making you insecure, jumpy, anxious and double guessing yourself. he is also trying to make you want to 'prove' to him you are not 'selfish' by undermining your own boundaries and turning yourself inside out to please him.

There is better out there. He will ultimately destroy your sense of self worth. And all on purpose.

merrymelodies · 14/04/2023 06:48

Even without the stupid insulting "jokes", talking about your ex in a new relationship is a big non-no.

User0610139736 · 14/04/2023 06:51

I would bin him off now.
I was with someone (for a very very long time!) who had a “quirky” sense of humour and would say inappropriate things that are not funny. I laughed it off in the beginning but over time it just got so tedious and actually made me sad that we didn’t have the same sense of humour.
when we were socialising or with friends and family his lack of social skills also really grated on me and I didn’t like constantly being worried what he was going to say or if he was going to offend someone. For him it was also worse and more pronounced when he felt slightly insecure like in a group of people he didn’t know really really well. I spent a lot of time cringing.

Original poster

LadyH846 · 14/04/2023 06:55

I'm already a bit fed up of him 2 dates in. I can't imagine spending a lifetime with someone with such a tedious sense of humour.

OP posts:

DrHousecuredme · 14/04/2023 06:59

Nope!!
I've been in a relationship with somebody who made mean "jokes" at my expense then when I got upset said "joking, I'm joking you have got to get a sense of humour!!" As if I was the unreasonable one. It left my confidence in tatters.
Don't give him another minute, it isn't worth it.

Mercedesbenz2022 · 14/04/2023 07:03

@HashBrownandBeans
me too , a co worker , that I couldn’t be less interested in .
I am totally wrong footed with it and I keeping notes , I’ve already been to hr once but will have to go again it seems

comfyoldjeans · 14/04/2023 07:07

I have a pretty weird sense of humour but I never makes 'jokes' at other people's expense. If he was new to the language then he could be forgiven for screwing it up a bit but if he's lived and worked here for nearly a decade, this just sounds like he's being intentionally mean.

barmycatmum · 14/04/2023 07:08

So glad you’re going to bin him. Ugh “negging” is so cringy and unattractive. It’s ultimately based in massive insecurity, and I do not put up with it.

once had a boyfriend who told me “it’s a good thing you’re not a ‘10’, I can be myself with you.”

i know I’m not a “10,” but fuck him very much for saying so - I wish I had dumped him then, because he got FAR worse later on.

DurdleLau · 14/04/2023 07:10

How horrible, he will eventually wear you down until you have no confidence or self esteem if you decided to continue dating him.
he’s trying to see if he can control you probably because he has low self esteem himself, but that’s no reason to pity him. Get rid.

hugefanofcheese · 14/04/2023 07:11

Glad to see you're cutting this short. I got with one of these last year and it wasn't 'humour' it was being a tosser. It started as odd little comments and very quickly expanded into criticising every aspect of me he could think of -looks, character, intellect, culture, dress, hobbies, cooking. He then moved into a bit of 'jokey' physical pushing and ignoring sexual boundaries. Very fast indeed, we're talking weeks. Don't give this one chance.

Nice men don't put down dates for any reason. 'You are self involved' and 'you have no integrity' are not affectionate mick taking, what's funny about that?

Definitely let him know why. I would be quite harsh about this and say something along the lines of 'I understand you say this is your SOH but it's not clear what is supposed to be witty about these comments'. You could also say 'don't bother to reply with any more put downs, I am expecting it from you. I do have a sense of humour and understand other people's. The above remarks are not that'.

Original poster

LadyH846 · 14/04/2023 07:16

Thanks everyone.

I just dumped him by text (we'd only been on 2 dates). Was honest about the fact that it was his sense of humour. I said I grew up with a critical parent and there's just no way I could imagine living with someone who has a "critical sense of humour" long term.

If he tries to persuade me into continuing or saying he'll change, I will say I'm not over my ex either and there's no chance for me and him in the future.

Onward and upward!

OP posts:

Allezvite · 14/04/2023 07:20

Fantastic, well done! I wouldn’t engage any further with him tbh. You don’t owe him any explanations or justification of your decision, his views are irrelevant to your life and how you live it!

FL0 · 14/04/2023 07:20

Allezvite · 14/04/2023 07:20

Fantastic, well done! I wouldn’t engage any further with him tbh. You don’t owe him any explanations or justification of your decision, his views are irrelevant to your life and how you live it!

This. Dont get into a debate with him.

hugefanofcheese · 14/04/2023 07:22

Great stuff. Don't mention your ex though, just say your mind is made up and that's that.

Kimten · 14/04/2023 07:22

Bin.

SpringLobelia · 14/04/2023 07:23

If he starts to bad mouth you at your mutual hobby or try and bully you out of it I'd just shrug and say to people; 'I turned him down- I am sorry that upset him' and move on.

he sounds like a misogynistic bully. But that will be your fault (or the fault of any woman he comes across).

Congratulations on ridding yourself of a loser.

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