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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New date makes weird 'jokes' at my expense

146 replies

LadyH846 · 14/04/2023 05:31

I have recently been on a couple of dates with a man who I liked and felt there was potential with.

There is one thing that bothers me about him. When we're joking around, he says critical or mean things. Some examples: he basically asked me in text how I felt about him and if I was interested in pursuing it further or not. English is not his first language and it sounded like he was referring to me and not him. I asked him what he meant, and he said, 'you're so self-involved', as a joke because I misunderstood who he was referring to.

Another 'joke' he made was that I was selfish, and 'I had no integrity'.

These jokes don't really hurt me because it's so clear from what he's saying that it's all BS and not applicable to me. But these comments are jarring and sort of shut down conversation because I don't know how to respond. I laugh in response but only out of surprise, not being tickled in a humorous way.

He told me on our first date that he has an inappropriate sense of humour and he gets it from one of his parents.

What would you do in this situation? Provide feedback that the critical/mean jokes aren't welcome or just bin him off? I'm not sure if you can ask someone to change their negative sense of humour but I can imagine it would get tedious for anyone to be with someone long term who makes these jokes.

He's only done it 3 times in the space of 2 dates and some text conversations in between.

He is otherwise a nice guy, interesting, smart, hardworking, and good looking.

OP posts:
PickAChew · 14/04/2023 12:55

And reading on, has a habit of gaslighting as well as negging. Well done for moving him on.

oachkatzl · 14/04/2023 13:59

Negging bellend.
Well done for getting rid.

Original poster
LadyH846 · 14/04/2023 16:09

Thanks everyone

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 14/04/2023 19:03

guys who like insulting women

There is nothing clever or amusing about the things he is claiming as humour. You are absolutely correct to bin him off, well done.

I am an absolute sucker for a witty reply and love the right kind of conversation. It can be the cleverest, most brilliant repartee. It can include a bit of ambiguity but essentially the 'target' has got to be clear that it's really, really showing admiration.

It can be enchanting.

He isn't.

madamovaries · 22/05/2023 09:34

Give him one chance to change. Tell him that you don’t like this behaviour and that it upsets you.
if he does it again, despite you saying this, ditch him.
My ex boyfriend did almost exactly this and wasn’t capable of changing. It is the reason I eventually broke up with him. But my husband when we first started dating used to talk a bit too much about his exes; I told him I didn’t like it and he stopped. Some people can change; worth working out if he is one of them, I think

YoucancallmeKAREN · 22/05/2023 09:54

And there was a second date, why ?

determinedtomakethiswork · 22/05/2023 09:54

Don't tell him that you can't get over your ex. Just say to him that you and he are not suited because of the way he talks to you.

gettingolderbutcooler · 22/05/2023 09:56

It's like when someone says;
"I'm not being rude, but...." as they are justifying their BS.

RemainAtHome · 22/05/2023 10:14

I’m a foreigner.
I (used to) use sarcasm a lot.

There is no way the way he is talking to you just now is down to his command if English or a difference in culture.

As you are going to see him regularly, I’d skip the honest feedback (he doesn’t need it. He knows and has been told about it before - see his comments about his ‘humour’).
Just say you dont quite feel it. And move on.

SaladRooney · 22/05/2023 10:24

LadyH846 · 14/04/2023 06:55

I'm already a bit fed up of him 2 dates in. I can't imagine spending a lifetime with someone with such a tedious sense of humour.

That's what's bothering me about this thread, that you're already 'fed up with him', but are second-guessing yourself for even considering refusing any further dates! I'd be asking myself some questions about my own boundaries in your shoes, OP, and what sense of obligation is making you set aside your own feelings to the extent that you have.

It sounds to me as if, consciously or unconsciously, this man is already training you to put up with put-downs, when in fact he's insulting you on a semi-regular basis two dates in. It doesn't matter whether it's because English is not his first language, whether he's too insensitive to realise what he's doing, or whether his 'inherited sense of humour' is really a sign that he grew up with the idea that it's OK for men to insult women under the guise of 'banter' -- who the hell would want to keep seeing someone who, two dates in, thinks that making rude remarks about your personality is OK?

Hairpinleg · 22/05/2023 10:45

I don't see what 'sense of humour' has to do with it? He trots out insults like you are 'selfish' and 'have no integrity'. He's deliberately misrepresenting the word humour. I wouldn't pander to his pathetic defense by pretending to believe this and saying you dumped him because of his 'sense of humour'. You dumped him because he gets a kick out of insulting you.

Original poster
LadyH846 · 22/05/2023 10:55

Hi everyone,

Thank you for the replies but this thread is from over a month ago. I didn't go out again with the man in question.

I have seen him at our mutual hobby since. I definitely made the right decision as he continued with his "jokes" when I saw him. Told me I was "ruthless" for dumping him after 2 dates, and also said that he had hoped I was looking "ugly" and preferably looking upset when he saw me (so he could feel much better about himself and where he's at in his life.)

These mean comments/"jokes" are absolutely part of his personality and not something I consider subject to change.

Definitely did the right thing.

OP posts:
SaladRooney · 22/05/2023 10:56

Good call, OP!

Original poster
LadyH846 · 22/05/2023 11:09

I had fancied this guy for ages. I thought he seemed really interesting, and he was gorgeous. So it was disappointing that he turned out to be behaving in such a mean spirited way.

I told a close male friend about the disappointment and he thought I should give him another chance.

This advice didn't sit right with me and that's why I started this thread.

The main thing I learned from all of this is, don't take advice from people who have never been in a good relationship (like my friend). This thread only echoed my own thoughts back to me.

My instincts are good and I need to trust myself and my reactions more.

OP posts:
RemainAtHome · 22/05/2023 11:19

Sorry @LadyH846 .
That will teach me to look at the date of the original post rather than just the latest ones!!

But happy to see you’ve taken the right decision for you. :)

callmeblondee · 22/05/2023 11:22

Sounds utterly like tit ache and I would bin off. Humour is a huge aspect of personality and if it is jarring you now, then think 10 years down the line, god no. I often wonder why us women put up with so much bs when we could just pick and choose the right thing for us. Dont settle for this crap

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 22/05/2023 11:25

Look up ‘machismo’ OP ! ( oddly it is connected the tango…..)

Frith2013 · 22/05/2023 12:01

Good move, OP!

billy1966 · 22/05/2023 12:12

Good call OP, trust your gut indeed.

He sounds awful.

Lookingoutside · 22/05/2023 12:22

‘Only’ 3 times in 2 dates and some messages?

Only?! FFS!!!

determinedtomakethiswork · 22/05/2023 13:16

One day this guy needs to look at why people dump him by text. I would imagine it's because he would completely override you if you did it verbally. Then you really would know what nastiness was.

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