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Original poster

New date makes weird 'jokes' at my expense

146 replies

LadyH846 · 14/04/2023 05:31

I have recently been on a couple of dates with a man who I liked and felt there was potential with.

There is one thing that bothers me about him. When we're joking around, he says critical or mean things. Some examples: he basically asked me in text how I felt about him and if I was interested in pursuing it further or not. English is not his first language and it sounded like he was referring to me and not him. I asked him what he meant, and he said, 'you're so self-involved', as a joke because I misunderstood who he was referring to.

Another 'joke' he made was that I was selfish, and 'I had no integrity'.

These jokes don't really hurt me because it's so clear from what he's saying that it's all BS and not applicable to me. But these comments are jarring and sort of shut down conversation because I don't know how to respond. I laugh in response but only out of surprise, not being tickled in a humorous way.

He told me on our first date that he has an inappropriate sense of humour and he gets it from one of his parents.

What would you do in this situation? Provide feedback that the critical/mean jokes aren't welcome or just bin him off? I'm not sure if you can ask someone to change their negative sense of humour but I can imagine it would get tedious for anyone to be with someone long term who makes these jokes.

He's only done it 3 times in the space of 2 dates and some text conversations in between.

He is otherwise a nice guy, interesting, smart, hardworking, and good looking.

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 14/04/2023 07:27

Allezvite · 14/04/2023 05:36

Any date who told me, with no evidence to back it up, that I was selfish and had no integrity wouldn’t be getting another date. He’s showing you who he is already. These aren’t jokes, they are put downs that he pretends to be jokes so when you get offended or upset you can be in the wrong again for not having a sense of humour.

I wouldn’t see him again if I were you.

This!

That would piss me right off.

I wouldn't see him again.

Yes, it is his father who 'jokes' this way.

This went without saying tbh...

romdowa · 14/04/2023 07:28

It's called negging. Time to bin him off. Block him and move on. His behaviour will only get worse

DrHousecuredme · 14/04/2023 07:31

Good for you op!

Justalittlebitduckling · 14/04/2023 07:34

These aren’t jokes.

Most guys like this take a while to reveal their true nasty selves, so the fact that he’s revealed it early is doing you a massive favour and stopping you from wasting your time.

Original poster
LadyH846 · 14/04/2023 07:37

He sent me this in response. Yikes. I don't know what he means by this isn't the first time I've done this because I haven't shared much of my past with him.

---------

Hello,

Seriously and by message?

Have I used inappropriate humor with you? I said that just in case and because you look very polite. But I guess I am how I’ve been with you.
Or maybe it’s just being with you.

In any case I don’t think that’s the case because it’s not the first time you do this. It looks like you’re looking for any excuse to stop this or give up.
And I don’t really know the reason as I am/was just starting to know you.

It’s great when we are together, you (or I) can’t deny it.
But I can’t force you to do anything

OP posts:
SpringLobelia · 14/04/2023 07:39

He's horrible.

Don't respond. Again it is the pushing of you boundaries and gaslighting you.

And he is hardly coherent either.

But keep on record every exchange he sends because he sounds like he is not the sort of man to take a polite no as an answer.

HalebiHabibti · 14/04/2023 07:42

I think I'd send one more response covering the following points:

You've already explained your reasons
And
You've only been on 2 dates so having this conversation by text seemed appropriate.

Sign off with 'Best wishes for the future' or similar and then don't reply any more.

Allezvite · 14/04/2023 07:42

Just ignore him, and block too so you don’t have to give him any more headspace. He sounds really odd!

Dogsitterwoes · 14/04/2023 07:43

Just ignore it. He's trying to push your buttons with the not the first time comment. There's nothing wrong with a text after 2 dates.

AHugeTinyMistake · 14/04/2023 07:44

Yeah that response definitely confirms you did the right thing OP.

Horrible man. Don't respond.

PammieDooveOrangeJoof · 14/04/2023 07:45

LadyH846 · 14/04/2023 05:31

I have recently been on a couple of dates with a man who I liked and felt there was potential with.

There is one thing that bothers me about him. When we're joking around, he says critical or mean things. Some examples: he basically asked me in text how I felt about him and if I was interested in pursuing it further or not. English is not his first language and it sounded like he was referring to me and not him. I asked him what he meant, and he said, 'you're so self-involved', as a joke because I misunderstood who he was referring to.

Another 'joke' he made was that I was selfish, and 'I had no integrity'.

These jokes don't really hurt me because it's so clear from what he's saying that it's all BS and not applicable to me. But these comments are jarring and sort of shut down conversation because I don't know how to respond. I laugh in response but only out of surprise, not being tickled in a humorous way.

He told me on our first date that he has an inappropriate sense of humour and he gets it from one of his parents.

What would you do in this situation? Provide feedback that the critical/mean jokes aren't welcome or just bin him off? I'm not sure if you can ask someone to change their negative sense of humour but I can imagine it would get tedious for anyone to be with someone long term who makes these jokes.

He's only done it 3 times in the space of 2 dates and some text conversations in between.

He is otherwise a nice guy, interesting, smart, hardworking, and good looking.

Throw him back. I dated a guy like this who told me I needed my roots doing and wore too much lip gloss amongst other gems.
he was really upset when I dumped him which was strange.

CornishTiger · 14/04/2023 07:48

Don’t engage any further. No justification or explaining further needed

I’ve got the ick just reading that message.

ANOTHERnewstart · 14/04/2023 07:48

Well done @LadyH846 for ticking to your gut thoughts. As you can see his reply is in no way an apology or any sort of recognition, just gaslighting!
i ended a relationship with someone due to their ‘jokes’ ..when you know
its an underlying issue it’s time to run.

BoneBrothByDayDonutByNight · 14/04/2023 07:49

I realise I’m arriving late but I think after two dates it was a bit weird to give “feedback” beyond “the chemistry just isn’t there for me”. I’d certainly think if a guy dumped me after a few dates and told me it was because of my style of humour (I use the term loosely with this one) the he was a bit arrogant. It would have been less awkward to have just kept it vague.

Anyway, that said, the ship has sailed and you made the right call. Nothing wrong with doing it via text so early. He’s clearly a bit intense and those jokes weren’t funny, even with the second language excuse.

Magicmu · 14/04/2023 07:50

Oh god, he REALLY doesn’t get it. Run, run, run some more.

and btw I am SO cross about the man who told a pp she wasn’t a 10! How dare he! We are all bloody 10s just for existing. Bastard.

TerfIngOnTheBeach · 14/04/2023 07:50

It messes with my head just reading his text. I cannot imagine throwing a shit sense of humour into the mix too. There might be a language barrier, but it’s a no from me.

well done OP for recognising poor behaviour early on.

PammieDooveOrangeJoof · 14/04/2023 07:50

Sorry just seen your update and yes his response “maybe it is just being with you”
(what a cheeky git!) just confirms you did the right thing.

LetItGoHome · 14/04/2023 07:52

His response really gives me the creeps! He has a very peculiar turn of phrase. There is no way you should have met face to face to dump after only 2 dates. That would have been weird. You have done absolutely the right thing. Xx

Original poster
LadyH846 · 14/04/2023 07:54

I wrote back and said I didn't want to waste his time by telling him on a 3rd date.

Confirmed that these were my reasons and said it's an incompatibility and nothing wrong with that. Wished him well.

OP posts:
BishopRock · 14/04/2023 07:55

Ignore and block, OP.

Don't respond to this as all he wants is for you to start justifying yourself which you have no need to do.

There's also no need to say you're not over your ex, it's none of his business now. You didn't like his humour, you dumped him. End of story.

Isiteveningyet · 14/04/2023 07:58

Christ, I’m glad you’re running, what a weirdo he is.

Suzi888 · 14/04/2023 07:58

He’s been honest, he is going to “joke”.

If you hate it and want it to stop then tell him, any more “jokes” and it’s off.

It sounds like he enjoys it, isn’t going to stop and shouldn’t have to change for you. You only have to accept it if you want to date him.

Original poster
LadyH846 · 14/04/2023 08:04

@BoneBrothByDayDonutByNight I realise that it is awkward giving feedback on his sense of humour after 2 dates but insulting people for fun...it is an unusual sense of humour!

If I'd said the chemistry wasn't there, I'd have been lying. The chemistry very much was there. We had already kissed. It was only when I got home and thought about it that I realised I didn't feel good about a 3rd date and I knew exactly why.

OP posts:
TrombonesAreNotBones · 14/04/2023 08:06

Well done.

Make sure you have blocked him on every channel, mobile phone, messenger/FB, whatsapp etc.

JMSA · 14/04/2023 08:09

Ugh, he sounds unfunny and awful.

I feel you should be honest about the reason, OP.

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