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Original poster

New date makes weird 'jokes' at my expense

146 replies

LadyH846 · 14/04/2023 05:31

I have recently been on a couple of dates with a man who I liked and felt there was potential with.

There is one thing that bothers me about him. When we're joking around, he says critical or mean things. Some examples: he basically asked me in text how I felt about him and if I was interested in pursuing it further or not. English is not his first language and it sounded like he was referring to me and not him. I asked him what he meant, and he said, 'you're so self-involved', as a joke because I misunderstood who he was referring to.

Another 'joke' he made was that I was selfish, and 'I had no integrity'.

These jokes don't really hurt me because it's so clear from what he's saying that it's all BS and not applicable to me. But these comments are jarring and sort of shut down conversation because I don't know how to respond. I laugh in response but only out of surprise, not being tickled in a humorous way.

He told me on our first date that he has an inappropriate sense of humour and he gets it from one of his parents.

What would you do in this situation? Provide feedback that the critical/mean jokes aren't welcome or just bin him off? I'm not sure if you can ask someone to change their negative sense of humour but I can imagine it would get tedious for anyone to be with someone long term who makes these jokes.

He's only done it 3 times in the space of 2 dates and some text conversations in between.

He is otherwise a nice guy, interesting, smart, hardworking, and good looking.

OP posts:

DameKatyDenisesClagnuts · 14/04/2023 10:14

The things he said to you made me wonder if he was from a culture where misogyny is the default for many men?

Comeohsavinglight · 14/04/2023 10:16

Well done OP! My brother has this sense of humor and I dread going to see him!

I’ve actually seen men on OLD proudly boasting of having this humor. I have also seen men say they want a ‘woman who ‘does not take herself too seriously’. I always ask then what this means and one actually answered. And yes, it means they want a woman who can take ‘ banter’ and not be upset by it. So yeah, guys who like insulting women, and are obviously being dumped because of it, but still think the problem is ‘ humorless women who can’t take a joke’ rather than them being dull and objectionable.

Original poster

LadyH846 · 14/04/2023 10:21

I had a playful relationship with my ex and it was fun. But it wasn't insulting - I always felt like he was flirty and teasing and he actually adored me. This guy is just "you're selfish" out of the blue with no warmth or humour to it. It's a real conversation ender.

The fact that he replied as he did points to a real mean streak. He's looking for someone to put down.

I appreciate all the replies. I feel a bit shit tonight about his response and the awkwardness that has been created when I will definitely see him again at our hobby group.

OP posts:

Original poster

LadyH846 · 14/04/2023 10:22

He's Spanish.

OP posts:

FictionalCharacter · 14/04/2023 10:31

LadyH846 · 14/04/2023 05:46

He's an acquaintance who I see sometimes for the hobby I do (which is a dance). It's a small community and I'll see him and most likely dance with him again in the future.

I'm not sure whether to give honest feedback on the comments or just say I'm not feeling it. Or say that I'm not over my ex, which is a valid excuse because I got out of a relationship not so long ago.

Hoping to avoid awkwardness.

Don't make "it's me not you" type excuses. It's 100% him and he needs to know that. He knows exactly what he's doing, and has given himself a reason (his "sense of humour") to continue.

Bin him, and tell him that these nasty putdowns really are not jokes, and he might find them funny but you are not prepared to be spoken to like that. Which you shouldn't be.

swayingpalmtree · 14/04/2023 10:41

FictionalCharacter · 14/04/2023 10:31

Don't make "it's me not you" type excuses. It's 100% him and he needs to know that. He knows exactly what he's doing, and has given himself a reason (his "sense of humour") to continue.

Bin him, and tell him that these nasty putdowns really are not jokes, and he might find them funny but you are not prepared to be spoken to like that. Which you shouldn't be.

Show quote history

Agree 100%. I'd be telling him- we arent compatible because I find your "jokes" insulting, rude and really offputting. Its fine if thats the way you choose to be but thats not for me so best find someone who enjoys that kind of thing.

Mumofnarnia · 14/04/2023 10:42

LadyH846 · 14/04/2023 07:16

Thanks everyone.

I just dumped him by text (we'd only been on 2 dates). Was honest about the fact that it was his sense of humour. I said I grew up with a critical parent and there's just no way I could imagine living with someone who has a "critical sense of humour" long term.

If he tries to persuade me into continuing or saying he'll change, I will say I'm not over my ex either and there's no chance for me and him in the future.

Onward and upward!

It’s not humour though is it. It’s not even a joke, can’t see anything funny about it! He’s making critical remarks like that and then disguising it as a joke! Glad you dumped him, you’ve had a lucky escape. He sounds like a manipulative gaslighting emotional abuser! Good job it wasn’t me he was dating or I’d have made a joke that I could tell he had a small penis and that only him thinks he’s good looking…. And then say haha it was a joke!

MidLifeResurgence74 · 14/04/2023 10:43

I had a boyfriend like this and it was torture. He'd make all these 'jokes' which were just awful and critical then tell me I was too sensitive or didn't understand his sense of humour. It's abusive. It's also a form of gaslighting as when I would tell him that I didn't like it, he'd then turn it around to make me think I hadn't understood him correctly (which clearly I had). Any relationship which makes you stop trusting your own thoughts and feelings, or has them minimised, is wrong.

swayingpalmtree · 14/04/2023 10:45

In any case I don’t think that’s the case because it’s not the first time you do this. It looks like you’re looking for any excuse to stop this or give up.
And I don’t really know the reason as I am/was just starting to know you

Oh- just saw his response. Typical negger- wont take responsibility for his crass jokes so now blames you and thinks you're lying and making excuses.

Good riddance- any man that wont self reflect on his behaviour (and I bet my mortgage that many other women have said the same thing to him) is bad news.

What an utter bellend.

Thighlengthboots · 14/04/2023 10:47

Good job it wasn’t me he was dating or I’d have made a joke that I could tell he had a small penis and that only him thinks he’s good looking…. And then say haha it was a joke

YES! I have always, always found that those who use the excuse of "I'm ONLY joking" to be rude never, ever, ever like it when you turn the tables on them and insult them under the guise of a "joke". They can dish it out but get really pissy when its given back to them.

rainbowstardrops · 14/04/2023 10:53

You've done the right thing. If he can call you selfish after 2 dates, imagine what he'd be like after 2 years!

CornishTiger · 14/04/2023 10:54

Definitely don’t use the not over my ex line either.

Its this guys behaviour that’s the turn off. Your boundaries and expectations are not unreasonable. Keep that line in place. No apology , no misunderstanding or mistake. He’s a negger and won’t ever see it.

user1471538283 · 14/04/2023 10:55

Knock this right on the head. It's cruel.

You can still see him at your dance class just don't bother ever going out with him again.

2bazookas · 14/04/2023 10:57

He's only done it 3 times in the space of 2 dates and some text conversations in between.

FGS, have some self respect. Good looks are not a free pass to treat you like dirt.

DrHousecuredme · 14/04/2023 11:25

That reply doesn't actually make a huge amount of sense however it's obviously designed to make you feel guilty and put you firmly in the wrong.
Don't let him affect you though, even without the insults you did nothing wrong. If, after two dates, you don't want the relationship to continue you are completely entitled to end it an move on. No need to justify it to yourself or anybody else.

CatalinaV · 14/04/2023 11:32

People behave weirdly when they get stressed. Humour is just a coping mechanism. I don’t see any red flag on his behaviour. It will go away with time. When you get more comfortable with him you should explain to him that you don’t like this.

Boohisspiss · 14/04/2023 11:37

He might not be as evil, but just tell him it’s really bad, unfunny chat and you can’t be arsed with going out for dinner with someone so tedious.

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 14/04/2023 11:44

I really wish people would RTFT or at least OPs updates, she has binned him off and was honest about why.

Shortpoet · 14/04/2023 11:44

When I was reading about his sob story about being dumped by text, I felt it was him setting you up so you would prove that you were “not like that” and if you wanted to end it you would do it in person. It’s much easier for him to argue and persuade you to give it another try in person. His text reply shows how he would have attempted to make you feel at fault and wrong if you had told him in person.

Well done on trusting your instincts, even though there was chemistry. Not easy to do.

Chat22455 · 14/04/2023 11:53

You have NOTHING to fear tonight at your hobby group because you’ve just been honest (and, from the way you come across here I imagine you weren’t ‘brutally’ honest but just factual).

You can hold your head up, own your space and just be warm. friendly and fabulous with everyone Inc him and everything else is up to him to choose how to behave.

I know you have your ex up your sleeve but PLEASE don’t use that excuse as it’s not true (if this man hadn’t been insulting, the pain of losing your ex wouldn’t have stopped you pursuing this) and it places blame totally unnecessarily and unfairly on you.

Enjoy your dancing 💃 tonight xxx

neilyoungismyhero · 14/04/2023 12:16

I think I'd just tell him you feel you'd like to revert back to friendship status only. Tell him you're not feeling his sense of humour.

Ooolaaaala · 14/04/2023 12:36

When I was reading this I was wonder how ‘negging’ was different from bullying or insults …. Found this on wiki - fascinating!!

Negging (derived from the verb neg, meaning "negative feedback") is an act of emotional manipulation whereby a person makes a deliberate backhanded compliment or otherwise flirtatious remark to another person to undermine their confidence and attempt to engender in them a need for the manipulator's approval.[1] The term was coined and prescribed by pickup artists.[1]
Negging is often viewed as a straightforward insult rather than as a pick-up line,[2] in spite of the fact that proponents of the technique traditionally stress it is not an insult. Erik von Markovik, who is usually credited with popularising the term negs, explains the difference thus: "A neg is not an insult but a negative social value judgment that is telegraphed. It's the same as if you pulled out a tissue and blew your nose. There's nothing insulting about blowing your nose. You haven't explicitly rejected her. But at the same time, she will feel that you aren't even trying to impress her. This makes her curious as to why and makes you a challenge."[3]
Neil Strauss, in his book Rules of the Game, also stresses that the primary point of the technique is not to put women down but for a man to disqualify himself as a potential suitor. On this account he refers to negs as "disqualifiers", although the technique described in the book is recognisably the same as von Markovik's. Strauss is equally clear that negs should not be used as insults: "a disqualifier should never be hostile, critical, judgmental, or condescending. There's a line between flirting and hurting. And disqualification is never intended to be mean and insulting."[4]
The term has been popularized in social media[5] and mainstream media.[6][7][8]The opposite of negging is pozzing, whereby one pays a person a compliment in order to gain their affection.[6] However, pozzing can also refer to the transmission of HIV.

Manipulation (psychology) - Wikipedia

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_manipulation

ReadersD1gest · 14/04/2023 12:40

Those aren't jokes . God, just bin him.

Pixiedust1234 · 14/04/2023 12:46

Congratulations on getting rid of a very nasty man who is trying to hide his nastiness under banter. Funny how he's turning it round on you saying its your fault for not finding it funny.

This is how abusive relationships start. Well done for seeing it.

PickAChew · 14/04/2023 12:48

He's not a nice guy. He's supposed to be trying to impress you, at this point, yet he's being a twat.

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