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Original poster

New date makes weird 'jokes' at my expense

146 replies

LadyH846 · 14/04/2023 05:31

I have recently been on a couple of dates with a man who I liked and felt there was potential with.

There is one thing that bothers me about him. When we're joking around, he says critical or mean things. Some examples: he basically asked me in text how I felt about him and if I was interested in pursuing it further or not. English is not his first language and it sounded like he was referring to me and not him. I asked him what he meant, and he said, 'you're so self-involved', as a joke because I misunderstood who he was referring to.

Another 'joke' he made was that I was selfish, and 'I had no integrity'.

These jokes don't really hurt me because it's so clear from what he's saying that it's all BS and not applicable to me. But these comments are jarring and sort of shut down conversation because I don't know how to respond. I laugh in response but only out of surprise, not being tickled in a humorous way.

He told me on our first date that he has an inappropriate sense of humour and he gets it from one of his parents.

What would you do in this situation? Provide feedback that the critical/mean jokes aren't welcome or just bin him off? I'm not sure if you can ask someone to change their negative sense of humour but I can imagine it would get tedious for anyone to be with someone long term who makes these jokes.

He's only done it 3 times in the space of 2 dates and some text conversations in between.

He is otherwise a nice guy, interesting, smart, hardworking, and good looking.

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 14/04/2023 08:09

Don't bother with explanations or excuses. Just 'not working for me' is all you need to say.

I dance too and know what you mean about meeting and dancing together anyway.

The key thing is, as Maya Angelou said 'when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time'

FinallyHere · 14/04/2023 08:14

Oops, too late to the party.

Soz. Pressed send too soon. Glad you have binned him off.

Man who get good to dance with are a whole new level of entitled when it comes to relationships. Sigh.

JMSA · 14/04/2023 08:14

Oh my, this thread has made me think of my ex husband.

I first met him nearly 30 years ago, when I was 20 and a bit clueless to the world. On our first dates, his humour was extremely sarcastic. I remember having had enough, and met up with him one evening to dump him. I was very proud and very strong, and would have absolutely done it. BUT that night he was completely charming and the sarcasm was gone. I hadn't given him a single clue that I was about to end it, so how did he KNOW??
Of course, because he was nice that night, I kept it going Hmm
Gosh, thankfully we live and learn!

Skybluepinky · 14/04/2023 08:28

Run for the hills.

JMSA · 14/04/2023 08:28

She already has Grin

coodawoodashooda · 14/04/2023 08:29

LadyH846 · 14/04/2023 05:46

He's an acquaintance who I see sometimes for the hobby I do (which is a dance). It's a small community and I'll see him and most likely dance with him again in the future.

I'm not sure whether to give honest feedback on the comments or just say I'm not feeling it. Or say that I'm not over my ex, which is a valid excuse because I got out of a relationship not so long ago.

Hoping to avoid awkwardness.

Definitely say its about your ex. He doesn't need honest feedback. He already knows he's horrible. He told you.

legalseagull · 14/04/2023 08:30

LadyH846 · 14/04/2023 05:46

He's an acquaintance who I see sometimes for the hobby I do (which is a dance). It's a small community and I'll see him and most likely dance with him again in the future.

I'm not sure whether to give honest feedback on the comments or just say I'm not feeling it. Or say that I'm not over my ex, which is a valid excuse because I got out of a relationship not so long ago.

Hoping to avoid awkwardness.

Please don't make an excuse - why lie to protect his feelings when he's intentionally trying to hurt yours?

Give him honest feedback - it might even help him in the future (to be less of a prick)

legalseagull · 14/04/2023 08:33

Whoops. Didn't RTFT. Well done OP. Perfect dumping

JMSA · 14/04/2023 08:34

@legalseagull

Agreed. I've never protected a date's feelings if they've been an arse. Honest feedback is best!

comfyoldjeans · 14/04/2023 08:48

Oh wow OP, he's even managed to slip a little insult into his reply...somehow implying that you're the one who brings out the worst in him. Urgh! Lucky escape I would say!

BCBird · 14/04/2023 08:52

Not for u. I would tell him.why if u feel.able to.

Might be uncomfortable for a while but u will be doing a public service.

bookbu · 14/04/2023 08:53

Stay away from him. I'm 3 years in and regret I hadn't left when it started. These 'jokes' (and pranks in my case) got worse and every time when I'm upset I'm told how unreasonable I am and everyone else would get it so clearly there is something wrong with me.

It's not worth it x

JMSA · 14/04/2023 08:53

comfyoldjeans · 14/04/2023 08:48

Oh wow OP, he's even managed to slip a little insult into his reply...somehow implying that you're the one who brings out the worst in him. Urgh! Lucky escape I would say!

Yup. Absolutely no sense of responsibility.
Knobhead.

Redruby2020 · 14/04/2023 08:56

Does he use Google translate or something similar to translate lol because the English translation on there is not good, I know from having messages between myself and a few guys but I know some of their language so I knew they didn't say something in a bad way, although it is funny the way it words things.

WakeMeUpInspring · 14/04/2023 08:57

Urgh. He's even negging you in his reply.

Lucky escape.

Original poster
LadyH846 · 14/04/2023 08:57

no, no Google translate needed. His English is excellent.

OP posts:
ChrisTrepidation · 14/04/2023 09:01

Well done for binning him off.

Do not respond to any more texts he might send. He's awful.

Also I know you say his English it excellent but those texts are barely coherent. They read like he only learned English last week!

Dibbydoos · 14/04/2023 09:02

You know the answer - bin bin bin.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 14/04/2023 09:03

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 14/04/2023 06:14

"When you told me you had an inappropriate sense of humour I didn't realise just how I would feel about that. Having experienced it I now think we should just stay friends as I don't fancy being at the receiving end of that type of humour."

“When you told me you had an inappropriate sense of humour I didn’t realise you meant something that sounds like negging. Having experienced that i think it’s best for us to just stay friends. With respect I suggest you work on your ‘sense of humour’ as it does’t reflect the best of you.”

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 14/04/2023 09:03

Wtf??

Bin.

FartSock5000 · 14/04/2023 09:23

@LadyH846 he is fully aware that this is negging. It's him testing the waters and seeing what you'll let him get away with.

"He told me on our first date that he has an inappropriate sense of humour and he gets it from one of his parents."

How is insulting someone directly - "You have no integrity" supposed to be a joke or funny? It isn't. He is using manipulative tactics to mould you into a submissive role so that he can control you.

Dump him and better yet ghost him. Just block and ignore.

He's taking you for a fool. He thinks he is so much smarter than you and you won't realise what he is doing.

Ithurtsthebackofmyeyes · 14/04/2023 09:52

He’s already saying shit like this inside three dates? And did so on your first date?

Fuck me, no. Don’t put up with this. ‘No integrity’? How is that even a funny thing to say?

He obviously prides himself on his ‘inappropriate sense of humour’, which sounds more to me like shitty remarks which, if you are hurt by, will be swiftly followed up with ‘I was only joking, where’s your sense of humour?’

Why do that to yourself? I have no doubt his ‘humorous remarks’ will escalate as time goes on.

Bin.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 14/04/2023 10:02

A joke is only a joke if both parties are laughing.

A surprisingly large number of men seem to have trouble grasping this.

HashBrownandBeans · 14/04/2023 10:04

Mercedesbenz2022 · 14/04/2023 07:03

@HashBrownandBeans
me too , a co worker , that I couldn’t be less interested in .
I am totally wrong footed with it and I keeping notes , I’ve already been to hr once but will have to go again it seems

It’s so annoying. It’s a new role for me and he has to say something about my appearance or my personality literally every time I see him. 🙄 Eventually I will snap and ask him if he fancies me or something in front of everyone. I find that usually shuts them up. 🤣

jannier · 14/04/2023 10:04

He's disrespecting you after 2 dates that's not going to get better. It's my warped personality to be a user suck it up. It's my personality to treat people like a doormat I can't change....well you knew I had a warped personality when we met so don't complain now. I can't control my mouth or my temper it's my personality.......