Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 8

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of mixed NT/ND partnerships. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

Link to previous thread

Same here ... I loved what I thought was his steadiness, his kindness, his wittiness.

DH jokes the menopause off really. I think I made a joke of it in the first place because I wasn't get much sympathy/not being listened to and wanted to draw attention to it and DH seemed to latch onto the joke I had made of it. Got up this morning feeling really floored by symptoms (just stated HRT) and DH ignored me, made no comment after me consistently moaning about my aches and pains. I just want it to be acknowledged verbally and fell into the mode of keeping on repeating myself. But on the flipside of this dh tidied up/did more chores because he sees this as helping (and it is) but I want to be verbally acknowledged too. All the women who complain their dh's don't do anything about the house/help with dc etc. it feels like I don't really have grounds to complain sometimes. Then, yet others come along and say you can't rely solely on your dh for emotional support and yes, I could do with more friends - I have one or two and I talk to them but I don't see them on a regular basis and have no other women family members - mother/sister etc. Together yet apart is a good description.

He could be yes, (well, can!) and it's funny.

it's not really a substitute for a conversation though; he shut me down whenever I tried to chat until I didn't try any more.

There are signs he's decided to do better with talking/listening with his gf now, I hope he succeeds for everyone's sake.

See that’s a surprise. DH cracks a joke about once a year, usually on holiday when he’s more relaxed.

i really miss being able to have a good laugh with someone. That means almost more than anything sometimes.

Yes, I don't have this. I wonder if it would annoy me after a while though. I have one person in my life who provides this but I don't seem them on a regular basis...feels like a tonic when they visit. Like a dial has been turned up.

DS has an incredible sense of humor, he's also an exceptional mimic. He just connects things no one else would.

The lack of emotional support from DH is driving me mad. How am I supposed to navigate the DC 20s on my own? (Mind you when I think about it I've done the last 20 years on my own, so no change really)

Its DS2s 18th birthday today. DW has taken to the sofa with a (not) sprained ankle. I've worked a twelve hour day. In cooking four different meals. Skes looking quite chuffed.

Thank you @BlueTick the moment dinner was served DW miraculously recovered.

DS is off down the pub(s). Tomorrow might be messy.

And before I jumped on, DW is an amazing mum.

That is him being poor though not his autism.

What I mean by that is it might not occur to him to get you surprises but if you have told him "I would feel loved if you bought me flowers as a suprise sometime" he can choose to do that, even if it makes no sense to him. Like when I mentioned this list of spelled out ways my partner would feel loved I had to make an effort to do it. Like I wrote them on my phone and read them regularly to remind myself to think of these things because they do not come naturally to me. Your partner can do that if he wants to and if he isn't even though you have told him then it isn't autism that's a problem in your relationship it's his lack of care. He may have a problem understanding why that is important to you but he is capable of understanding that even though it makes no sense to him that it is important and he needs to try and find a way to remember to do these things.

@Treepigeon you see I don’t see things that way.
Dh is like that too. I believe that’s because he GENUINELY doesn’t understand how I can enjoy <insert what makes me tick> so he discards the idea. Just like he discards small talk as being boring and uninteresting.

For me it’s like when DH just doesn’t get it doesn’t believe me when I tell him that looking after two young dcs all day long until he experienced it himself.
This black and white thinking is making finding a common ground, feeling cared and loved etc… quite hard work.

@Treepigeon It seems that you and your partner have found a way to communicate that makes you both happy. Even if doing some things seem unnatural to you, you do them anyway for the sake of your relationship.
Unfortunately, regardless of the reason, my dh doesn't think that way, but thanks for your input.

Felt a bit happier with DH in the last few days. Normal service resumed though

I want to lose weight, no support. Its like pushing water uphill.

Hope I'm not intruding but I don't want to start my own thread and I'm struggling with our relationship so here I am. 😶

DW (we're both women) has ASD. We've recently moved house and everything I do is "wrong" or "stupid" and everything she does is "right". My mum gifted us a lovely coffee machine as a housewarming gift. I love it — it's nothing massive that takes up too much space, and DW is complaining that it's unsightly and that there was nothing wrong with the previous 3-in-1 coffee sachets we used to have. I bought her those sachets yesterday but all I get are constant rants saying "why do we need a coffee machine"!

She has one box full of her things. The rest of the things were packed by me and I am more than happy to do the unpacking myself. I don't complain, I don't make a fuss. But what I do mind is when she stands there and tells me that I'm doing it all "wrong". She has an idea in her head of how things should be done and in what order but she can't unpack it because I was the one who packed it "wrongly" in the first place.

What she wants to do is give me instructions, and I know it's my issue for not being more patient and accommodating, but the way she goes about it is so bloody condescending. Constant talk about how "facts don't take into account your feelings" but to me what she's saying are just subjective opinions instead of objective logic!

Currently sat here with the boxes unopened because I don't want to get into another argument about the "correct way" of doing anything.

Hi @ThePineappleBuff welcome aboard.

I recognize this 100%, we have stuff that hasn't been unpacked and we've been here 15 years. We have magazines from 10 years ago that we can't recycle because DW wants to re read them and hasn't had a chance.

But above all it's the don't do this, don't do that, that is absolutely infuriating. For DW everything has to be done her way, and if she doesn't have a way, all ways are wrong.

I don't have any advice I'm afraid except to sit it out.

Oh, and I once bought a new vacuum cleaner and she refused to use for four years because I didn't consult her. I really do know where you're coming from!

Hi @Daftasabroom and @Fidelius. Thanks for the welcome!

I love DW dearly and over the years I have a fair measure as to where her limits are and where mine are and can usually find a happy medium. This move is such a nightmare though. I know change is hard for her. But as you said, it's the don't do this, don't do that that's the most difficult for me.

I am now not allowed to make coffee using the coffee machine in front of her because capsules are an "abomination" and "offensive" apparently.

Back when we were shopping for washing machines, she found fault in every single washing machine I found. I told her fine, you go find one then. A month passed and she has yet to find a washing machine as she insists that we should take our old, on the verge of breaking down one over. This machine has rust covering the bottom and it doesn't even clean properly!! In the end she said ok just buy whichever.

I went and bought a normal Miele one, nothing weird or too unique. And she hates it because it has too many unnecessary features. I told her we don't have to use any of the features just put it on mixed fabric and that's it, and she's upset because I've wasted money (we have a joint pot in addition to our own accounts and I bought this using my own account) on something with features we wouldn't use.

Now she's searching online to see if returns are possible and I haven't said this to her but I don't really have any intention of returning it.

Sorry for the vent. It's been a pretty trying morning.

I'm honestly not sure how you can live with her or indeed why you would want to.

Is living separately an option?

I ask myself this sometimes. We've been together for more than a decade and emotionally it's a mix bag for me. Sometimes we have good days and I recognise the woman I fell in love with all those years ago and it's nice and cosy and I think to myself that I can live with the bad days. Maybe it's the move but there have been nothing but bad days these few weeks and I worry if this will eventually pass.

Another part of me worries about her if I were to leave. She's very isolated and has gone NC with family for (IMO) completely petty reasons. Though of course I will never say that out loud. The only friends she has are now online friends too.

@ThePineappleBuff DW insists on running all our finances, kids student loans, insurances etc. Its one of her special interests and she'll happily declare that she's spent 3 hrs a day for 3 weeks and saved a tenner. Left to me I'd just click renew and find something interesting to do for the rest of the year day.

So she's been busy fussing over getting the kids to Uni. I've kept well clear but I must have heard "for fucks sake Mum" a hundred times a day for the past few weeks.

She's stressed, and it's a new chapter for us as a family. Massive changes are afoot so trouble has been brewing.

She renewed my car insurance a couple of weeks ago but didn't cancel auto renewal, so insured twice. Today she tries to cancel the auto renewal but the website isn't behaving the way she expects. Lots of drama, lots of trauma, shouting, swearing, name calling, demands for advice, total rejection of advice, I am apparently a fucking arsehole for leaving it all to her. I ask to have a look, she stands over my shoulder swearing and calling me names, she's tried all this etc etc.

60 seconds later it's all sorted.

Nothing like a sorry. She's now sulking.

Two minutes ago she's complaining I can't trade the plants I've grown.