@ReleaseTheDucksOfWar thank you. It does sound like your friend manages things pretty well and her DH works hard at their relationship too.
I have read so many books. I have learned to release just about every expectation of what he might do to show that he cares, how he might express himself etc. I work hard to translate his harsh comments into what he actually meant underneath before I respond. I've written lists of the stuff I need help with around the house. I don't get wound up when he spends hours on his special interest and doesn't remember to ask me about something important.
I am by no means perfect. I have worked very hard to understand that he processes information differently than me, and to control my own emotional reactions. It's taken several, very difficult years to get to this point though and there's been a lot of damage done in the process through all the misunderstandings, arguments and distance.
I suppose the issue is that he doesn't seem to understand that a relationship needs work and effort from both sides,especially to repair one that is so damaged. He constantly points out the things that are wrong in our relationship, and says that we haven't been happy for years (since we were dating basically). He seems to expect 'happiness' to just happen magically and I can't get through to him that we need to communicate and work at it. If I try to talk to him about anything vaguely emotionally challenging he can cope with barely a few minutes before he shuts down.
I love him and believe he loves me but he lacks the emotional tools to help me repair our badly damaged relationship and instead focuses on what's broken about it. It's very demoralising.
Sorry for the extended moan everyone. I really appreciate the safe space to vent, it's quite cathartic just to get it out x